A World Without Turtles - Intro

[The Judge]

Oh yes, much better. The intro is interesting, and you slipped in details well. I'd suggest making it clearer she's underwater in the first line or two, as she could be standing knee-deep for the first 4 sentences, so the "surface" comes as a bit of a surprise and requires a mental readjustment which is disrupting.

That last paragraph is still too info-dumpy for my taste, and I don't think you need it. You've brought out very well that turtles are being used in civilian and military circles, so there's no need to give us any further explanation at this point. Personally, I'd dump it all, but if you want it, and in this form rather than dripping it in later, then I'd suggest you go the "literary quote" way. At the start of every chapter have a couple of lines or a short paragraph which supposedly comes from a noted authority -- here you could invent a scientific journal perhaps, which sets out some historical facts about turtle use which would bring your readers up to scratch.

I noticed a few solecisms as I went through (though no more than I'd see in the average piece of work by a native English speaker). It's too late for me to do a nit-pick, but my personal bugbear was shown with "A product of careful genetic engineering, Anna’s research group" -- strictly speaking, this means the research group is a product of the genetic engineering! Since the subject of the first clause is the starfish (which perhaps should be "which" and "its" not "who" and "he"), it must also be the subject of the second, so "A product of ... engineering, the starfish was...". Alternatively, re-write it so the research group is the subject of both.

But, as I say, this is much better -- a stronger, more captivating start. Well done.

 

[Parson]

(Word of warning -- I am not a editor/reader in the league of most of these others)

I loved your opening. If you had just deleted that last paragraph I would have thought it was one of the very best. I was totally drawn into the story. My quibble with the first part is that I thought that she was standing up wading in the water and when she looks at the surface I am surprised. I might think of something like

"Unexpectedly, a wave almost throws her off balance, even at 10 meters deep she has to grab onto a branch of false tree coral. (I suspect you can do this better than I, but this way works for me.)

I don't think it's necessary to say "without dropping the animal." that becomes obvious when she does her measuring.

For me, the real problem with this rendition of your opening is that last paragraph. I'd drop the whole thing and find ways to dribble in the information as the story progresses. There is no need for this background in the opening page of the your book. Let the reader discover things that are important background when they become important. If they do not become important probably they do not need to be written. --- As the author I think you need to know these things, but sharing them is not always beneficial in the story.

 

[Jesse Harris]

I really like this latest version. It makes me want to keep reading. Amazing work. Mission accomplished

 

[Azoraa]

wohooo, thank you! ))))))

@.matthew. thanks for the detailed remarks. You really picked out the words I didn't feel 100% comfortable with myself. How did you do that?
So the starfish will be an "it", and the "albeit" and the high-tec collars will go.

@The Judge and @Parson : thank you so much! hm, I need to make up my mind about the info-dumping. I like the idea of an invented authority at the chapter beginnings. For the moment, I think I first need to realize where the info-dumping happens throughout the book, and then decide what to do about it. In some cases, I think I need a version of it to fill in some gaps on the timeline. But it feels more elegant to drip-feed it.
It's still a bit hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that the reader might not need all this! THEY NEED TO KNOW!!! How can they not know??

and yes, the issue with being underwater was ambiguous. I now changed it to something like:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They are working in the coral reef today, some ten meters below the surface. Anna adjusts her lung performance enhancer. A wriggling, pink starfish in one hand, she turns around to see where Lito is. A wave almost throws her off balance, and she holds onto a branch of false tree coral in the last moment. She can’t see Lito. She looks up to the glittering surface. He must be further down, taking samples of the sea floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll probably keep playing around with it...

@Jesse Harris ehem, well, if you really want to, you know *coughingpolitely*
... after this discussion here I'm kinda looking for critical beta-readers. My current beta-readers are all my friends, and I have serious doubts they'll be that critical.

 

[.matthew.]

I think the word wave is what leads to confusion about the characters location. I know there are underwater waves but when we think wave we think surface, just an automatic leap for the mind. Maybe current would work better? Add in a little bit of context to the sentence and bam, you've got the mental picture you want.

Consent Form | Scuba Diving
A description of someones experience that could be referenced to add some intensity to the moment. I liked the word surge too

The wriggling, pink starfish in one hand, Anna turns around to see where Lito is. A wave almost throws her off balance, and she holds onto a branch of false tree coral in the last moment without dropping the little animal. She can’t see Lito. She looks up. The surface is maybe ten meters above her. He must be further down, taking samples of the sea floor.

Using this method you might be able to drop the ten meter bit, or add it earlier when describing the underwater wave in some way. That'd also open up the space after she looks up to throw in a description of the sunlight she'd see refracting through the water or something (could be an atmospheric image).

 

[Azoraa]

@.matthew. thanks for the link! Great idea to look for first-hand reports of this kind! btw look at the post directly above yours, there is already an updated first few sentences. But yeah, maybe current is better than wave in that respect...

 

[BT Jones]

Hi Azoraa,

Again, the same disclaimer as per my recent critique of Jo Z's work: I am a newbie, unpublished and don't read a huge amount of fiction, so do not claim to be anything like an expert. All I can offer is my opinion.

I must admit, I found the world-building background and premise to be fascinating. I'm always interested in different takes on a sci-fi / future theme, so having it set in the Middle East is most intriguing. I also am curious about what happened at AF 0 (After the fall out, or something).

I think there are some unique ideas and themes here, particularly fusing human and marine DNA, which I have to say I've never come across. Genuinely, this is one of the most interesting premises I have ever come across.

But if I was to be truly critical, I found the ideas and themes more engaging than elements of the writing. Am an fine with either past or present tense, and 1st, 2nd or 3rd person narratives. I definitely preferred the past tense sections, and parts of the present tense section seemed a little muddled from line to line. I would have been fine with the whole thing being in 1st person too, I just think you need to drag the reader into Anna's head. Have her exhibiting some personal opinions, some inner thoughts, etc.

For instance, you could have opened with the turtle experience 1st person without any context as to who Anna was and what it was all about. You could have the sense of beauty about the ocean and majesty but also threat about the turtle. Then Anna panics, rushes to the surface. Then she sees Lito who is already climbing out of his wetsuit. She mentions the scales and maybe how she finds him attractive, but not in the way she would another "pure" human male - and that could be the segue to world-building part.

I should say, of course, that I shouldn't assume there is any bigotry or intolerance in your story at all. Anna might be 100% fine with mixed-DNA humans, so there might not be an angle here at all. I just think to truly engage with readers of the 21st century, you need to leave them an issue they can relate to. I think that is why some stories set too far in the future don't engage with an audience: the characters are so far removed beyond current attitudes that people can't see anything in them.

So I wouldn't want to assume what your characters might or might not think - and you may already have this theme covered in other parts of the story.

Sorry, I think I'm rambling here. I can't give you any links to other articles or stories as I am not much of a reader. I guess what I wanted to say is that I was really interested in your world and would actually like to read more of it. I just think you need to be a bit more dynamic to pull the reader in for the opening section. You could maybe inject some false peril and have maybe some sharks on the scene, a brush with death for Anna and then the turtle appearing, almost like a mythical angel and driving off the shark, but before Anna can tag her or take samples, she spirits away, and Anna is losing blood from her skirmish with the shark, so she has to surface. That's where she bumps into Lito, who's irridescent, scaly arm grabs hers and pulls her into the boat - he has the wetsuit pulled down to his waste, shimmering in the noon sun...

Sorry, I'm rambling again and it sounds like I'm trying to write for you.

Bottom line is, I really like your story and with a bit of tweaking, it could be enthralling. Not that you need encouragement from a newbie, but some of my early drafts - when I look back on them - were nowhere near as effective as they are now. I guess this is what this whole critique process is for.

Either way, good luck with it. You have a great idea in your inkwell!

 

[Azoraa]

@BT Jones
wow, thanks for your encouragement!! That's very motivating )
I also really like your ideas
What I'm getting from your feedback, and from what others wrote above, is that there is not enough emotion and dynamics in the scene. You'll find a rewrite somewhere in the thread where I addresses some of the others' criticism, and I'd be happy to hear your opinion on it, too, if you like.

Generally I find that I've my hands quite full with all the world-building, story-building, character-building, what-comes-next, language, that I feel like I can't do it all in one go.
I also feel like I'm not entirely in Anna's head yet, and that probably shows. I'm trying to write her a bit more anal in the beginning, more in need of control, a bit more rigid, and yes - actually a little bit biased towards hybrids.

Cheers,
Lisa

 

[BT Jones]

Okay, Azoraa, I read your rewrite and I prefer it to the original. I still think you could perhaps have more of the exposition handled through dialogue rather than Anna's thoughts. I still feel you are perhaps spoiling the mystery to some degree by explaining line by line about the turtle and what it is or isn't. I think I read a quote somewhere from Elmore Leonard (and I paraphrase here) about not bothering to describe anything in your scene (script) and just have it all relayed via dialogue.

This was a heavy criticism of my own work initially; that I was doing too much telling, especially inner thoughts, when I could just as easily convey the essence of the point via a line or two of dialogue. That is something I am coming to terms with now and it's an instinct I am developing.

Ultimately, I think we (sorry, I mean you) need to convey the real dark, mysterious wonder of actually seeing a turtle 'an actual wild turtle... Surely not', just drifting out of the cerulean depths, gliding like it owned the ocean, ushering away any possible threats for Anna as if it is an envoy for Mother Nature herself, catching the shafts of summer sunlight, batting a nonchalant obsidian eye Anna's way as if saving her life was all part of a day's work... or something like that.

And then when Anna emerges, you can capture all the world-building aspect of the turtles through dialogue;
Anna - "I just saw an actual wild turtle.'
Lito - "No way - they're all extinct. The military swept this area for new recruits just last week. We should report it..."
Anna - "No, don't, she... She was watching over me... I think."

Sorry - again, I think I'm drifting into 'trying to speak for you' territory.

I'll just close by saying that I think dialogue and personal interaction is a great way of capturing world-building elements. You could deliver 50% of all your initial set-up via an initial dialogue between Lito and Anna: the turtles; what they are used for; the mixed-DNA; Anna's reluctant attraction for Lito; her unspoken prejudice (mentioned via an internal aside - an embarrassed glance at his scaled pectoral muscles.

As before, apologies if I am being too forthright with my opinions.
I genuinely look forward to reading more.

 

[.matthew.]

This was a heavy criticism of my own work initially; that I was doing too much telling, especially inner thoughts, when I could just as easily convey the essence of the point via a line or two of dialogue. That is something I am coming to terms with now and it's an instinct I am developing.

I think shoehorning in dialogue is a sloppy way to do it. Sure, some things can be explained that way, but it almost always feels more forced to my ear. It works best in worlds where a character doesn't know this stuff and so they can learn at the same pace as a reader. In this case it also puts a pause between it (between experience and telling her colleague).

I definitely prefer the original narration to dialogue.

 

[reggiesaun]

Lot of comments I didn't read. Sorry if I repeat...

There is a lot of telling, as mentioned. I'm okay with that. It's very techy, reminds me of old "pure" scifi. But you have to work harder at characterization and pacing with that style. You have to let me know what's up with these characters. Not backstory...motivation. SHOW, SHOW, SHOW me motivation!

This lady works underwater. I'm imagining that takes a dedicated LOVER of Aquatica. So to see a wild turtle should have BLOWN HER MIND (opinion). I didn't get that excitement. I didn't get much of any of how she felt about it, and yet that is the conflict of this scene. The most major thing to happen is the sighting of a WILD turtle. That's a big deal (its in the title!!!!)

Finally, I'd suggest starting with a hook...

"Anna was underwater when she saw the turtle gliding towards her out of the deep blue. It was big, almost her size, but moved as though it
weighed nothing. Her carapace was colored in shades of green, blue, and a dark red. Every scale on her body
had a different color, and was framed by white, leathery skin.

A wild turtle!

She returned to the surface. Lito, her partner, came up beside her. They pulled themselves back up on the boat.

“Did you see the turtle?” Anna asks Lito right away..."

I'm totally engaged with this one. I like it. Keep going!!

 

[Azoraa]

Hi everyone,

it's a few years later, but I wanted to let you know that this novel will be published in a few weeks, in German though. It went through a long and deep process of me realizing I write better in my mother tongue. I translated it "back" to German myself, all the while revising and adding depth. I guess it's not relevant to most of you folks, as it's in German now, but I wanted to let you know.
You can check it out here:

https://www.amazon.de/Drei-Phasen-Entwurzelung-Liebe-Schildkr%C3%B6ten

Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback several years ago. You set me onto the right track!
Best
Lisa

 

[Toby Frost]

Good luck with it! Over the years, I've come to think that almost everyone writes best in their mother tongue. Congratulations and I hope it goes really well!

 

[tinkerdan]

The second example is much different from the first.
However, I did find it to be better written.
Keep writing.