I agree with some of the comments above, but would say it a slightly different way. The narrative distance to the POV character seems inconsistent--as a reader, I feel like I'm watching the action through a camera with auto focus that is zooming in and out, unable to make up its mind. A lot of the distance issues could be smoothed out by eliminating dialog tags and reframing the more distant formulations as the opinions, thoughts, or impressions of the POV character.
When the narrative distance is close, this really shines. You really do nail it. There were moments in this when I felt the character's quiet desperation, the burden of the long grind of subsistence living, the trauma of living in a reality violently and permanently altered. I also got a sense of both affection and distance from the traveling group--somewhere between co-workers and family. That effect had to be difficult to create.
From a technical perspective, I think you could do a lot of addition-by-subtraction. There's a lot of potential for the elimination of words and consolidation of ideas. I think focusing on this in your next pass would get you down the road a ways on the narrative distance consistency issue, as well.
Thank you for sharing. I'd love to find out what happens next.
When the narrative distance is close, this really shines. You really do nail it. There were moments in this when I felt the character's quiet desperation, the burden of the long grind of subsistence living, the trauma of living in a reality violently and permanently altered. I also got a sense of both affection and distance from the traveling group--somewhere between co-workers and family. That effect had to be difficult to create.
From a technical perspective, I think you could do a lot of addition-by-subtraction. There's a lot of potential for the elimination of words and consolidation of ideas. I think focusing on this in your next pass would get you down the road a ways on the narrative distance consistency issue, as well.
Thank you for sharing. I'd love to find out what happens next.
I think I have sorted out the closeness - but it’s good to hear some of her was already coming across 
