18,000 crit

[Jo Zebedee]

I’m sorry I havent replied individually - life is chaos here - but I have read all the comments, and very much appreciate them. Whilst this is mostly a piece of fun, it might extend later, and it’s very useful to have this reminder that, no matter how well I know the world and some readers will, I still need to pay attention to the worldbuilding

 

[msstice]

I was thinking of perhaps starting a thread on it, as I think it would be worth discussing, but I'm not sure what I would say apart from what I just have.

I think this would be interesting to many of us here!

 

[Phyrebrat]

Are you still after Crits? Im Sorry to be late - I can give you feedback if I can read it over le weekend.

pH

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Are you still after Crits? Im Sorry to be late - I can give you feedback if I can read it over le weekend.

pH

I think I’m grand, but thank you x unless you want to in which case, have fun

 

[HareBrain]

I think this would be interesting to many of us here!

OK, I'll go back to her notes and have a think and put something up in a couple of days.

 

[jd73]

Yeah, I really like this. No technical issues - a couple of tiny, tiny typos that are barely worth mentioning. Absolutely a readable read.

I felt the prose could be a little more detailed. I felt for instance you might set the scene a little more in the opener. Really take us there. But it was a neat situation and I'm kind of curious as to what will happen if - oh, let's face it, when - Shug takes this chap on as a boy-underling.

 

[pambaddeley]

Good pace, nicely sketched in world building, and clear evocation of the two characters - agree with much of what has been said above and noticed a few typos including a punctuation mark in a word.

I think if you write something like "Thin, dark hair" both adjectives apply to the hair - I was thrown anyway - maybe Thin, with dark hair, would clarify that.

 

[Provincial]

Hi.

Apart from the typos, I wouldn’t change anything.