S/He Did This - Repetitive?

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Wayne Mack

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Is there an alternative to "S/he did this. S/he did that"?

I have a third person story where the main character is alone for a long sequence. It feels repetitive to keep writing, "S/he did something" followed by "S/he did something else." Does this type of section feel repetitive when read? Can anyone recommend alternate sentence structures?
 
Can you pull the POV in real close and focus more on the sensory experience?

During the course of my daily activities I’m not thinking to myself “I’m walking down the hall, now I’m opening the door, now I’m lifting the toilet lid...”

It’s more like “man these walls and floor are dirty wish someone would clean them; the door is really creaky when it opens; i guess the fart fan is broken again it smells like someone else’s sh*t in here...”
 
Without knowing the setting or style it is difficult to be sure what would work.
For me, I might be tempted to explore their reaction to what they were doing rather than their action. do say they had a reheated burrito for lunch but make them complain [inside their own head if needs be] that they had gas all afternoon.
Have them enjoy the walk in the fresh spring air, than just have them walk five miles to the market or whatever.
Or....
If the events are not vital to the story... cut them. If it just filling time between other events does it need to be explained?
 
One simple option is to change the shape of the sentences. Instead of: "Bob woke up hungry. He opened the fridge. He looked for some cheese. He had filled the fridge up only last week, but he couldn't find any." you could write: "Bob woke up hungry. He opened the fridge and looked for some cheese. Although it had been filled only last week, there was no cheese left."

Another option might be for the character to think about the plot, to break things up. "As he ate his breakfast, Bob wondered why the police had been watching his house. Had they stolen his cheese? It seemed unlikely, but in this city..."

I remember wondering how writers who wrote in the first person avoided starting every sentence with "I". I looked at some Raymond Chandler novels. I can't recall exactly how he avoided it, but I remember thinking that he did a good job of it. (And I started all of those sentences with "I".)
 
Along the same lines of Toby, I'd suggest mixing things up.

Take something like "He opened the door." It could be changed to...
"The door handle felt cold as he opened it."
"A light breeze blew past him as he opened the door."
"The door creaked as he opened it."
"Placing one hand on the handle, he tentatively opened the door."

If you're talking specifically about long run-on sentences of he did this, he did that, then you could just mix a few sentences like the above in to break it up, or even rephase entire paragraphs to make them flow better.

"He opened the door, then he walked through. He paused when he saw the occupant of the cell." Could be...
"Opening the door, he crossed the threshold with gusto, stopping only when he saw who sat chained to the wall."
"The door creaked as it opened and as he stepped through a light breeze blew past him, chilling him to the bone even as he saw the occupant."

Remember that you don't always have to write as the character interacting with an object, the object can instead interact with them.
 
Danny McG said:
I'm not gonna sleep at nights, I'll be gazing at my moonlit ceiling and thinking "Where is Bob's cheese?"
Click to expand...

There you go, @Toby Frost, sounds like you should develop your idea into your next novel.

I, meanwhile, will concern myself with the question of what kind of weird-ass house Danny has where the moon can light up his ceiling.
 
.matthew. said:
"A light breeze blew past him as he opened the door."
Click to expand...
Or even something like:

Opening the door let in a light breeze.​
​
Okay, it maybe a general statement that whenever the door is opened, a light breeze can be felt, but the context should indicate whether it's that or a specific instance of the character opening the door in the "present"**.

Danny McG said:
"Where is Bob's cheese?"
Click to expand...
It must be somewhere around....


** - The quotation marks are there because it might be a past tense narrative.
 
"Bob woke up hungry. He opened the fridge. He looked for some cheese. He had filled the fridge up only last week, but he couldn't find any."

Bob was half-convinced the growling in his belly was what woke him up. There was no cheese in the fridge. "But," he thought, "I went shopping only last week!". It was then he noticed the huge whiskered shadow falling on the billowing curtains.
 
msstice said:
"Bob woke up hungry. He opened the fridge. He looked for some cheese. He had filled the fridge up only last week, but he couldn't find any."

Bob was half-convinced the growling in his belly was what woke him up. There was no cheese in the fridge. "But," he thought, "I went shopping only last week!". It was then he noticed the huge whiskered shadow falling on the billowing curtains.
Click to expand...
It’s Danny, still looking for Bob’s cheese.
 
I effing love brie
Wayne Mack said:
Is there an alternative to "S/he did this. S/he did that"?
Click to expand...
I often ask myself the same question. And I think there are some great answers here. On the other side of it though, removing the doer of the action can often result in passive sentences, or at the very least more uses of the verb 'to be'
So: I found the cheese behind the milk. becomes: The cheese was behind the milk.
A verb like found conveys more than was, so are we in a situation of choosing the lesser of evils?
I suppose you could do: Behind the milk, I found the cheese. But I don't think that completely solves the problem.
 
Phyrebrat said:
Give the POV a strong opinion about ‘things’ rather than just describing what she’s doing, so... make the ‘doing’ more personal which should allow you to play with structure more.

Course, this is harder if your POV is vegan.
Click to expand...
"Where on earth is the dratted coconut cheese? It should be behind the rice milk, but it's never where it's supposed to be. Oh well. It's not very yummy anyway – a bit like chewing plastic. Maybe I'll just have toast. Now where's the olive spread?"
 
Toby Frost said:
Unexpected plot twist:

View attachment 75286

I once read that "said" is often not consciously read by readers, who see it as a tag to indicate speech, and don't get as tired of seeing it as one might worry. I wonder if starting many sentences with "He [verb]" would have the same effect.
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I don't think so - it can make writing seem repetitive unless used for effect. E.g. after a day-long search for cheese:

She saw the cheese. She ate the cheese. She spat out the cheese.
 
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