S/He Did This - Repetitive?

[msstice]

I once read that "said" is often not consciously read by readers, who see it as a tag to indicate speech, and don't get as tired of seeing it as one might worry. I wonder if starting many sentences with "He [verb]" would have the same effect.

This is true, but it can cause problems in audio books. It is more apparent when someone else is reading it to you.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I once read that "said" is often not consciously read by readers, who see it as a tag to indicate speech, and don't get as tired of seeing it as one might worry. I wonder if starting many sentences with "He [verb]" would have the same effect.

I am wondering the same thing. Just because something feels repetitive when writing it, does not mean it will feel repetitive when reading it. I hope if I keep the plot moving, the reader will be more interested in the sequence of events than the words used to describe them. I think I will complete the scene, polish it using some of the suggestions above, and post an excerpt in Critiques.

 

[Biskit]

What have I started?

You'd best check copyright with Jasper Fforde - this sounds dangerously close to his Cheese Levy and the Cheese Enforcement Agency.

 

[Wayne Mack]

What have I started?

Maybe there is just something about Mack and Cheese.

 

[therapist]

S/he did something" followed by "S/he did something else." Does this type of section feel repetitive when read?

I have noticed myself do this aswell. And it does not read well. I try and actively look for this when I read, and try to get a feel for how other authors tackle this. Generally they just intersperse the action beats with thoughts/observations. I like what Phyrebrat said. For example:

Bob woke up hungry. Why is my life so sh*t? Sure, he had cheese in the fridge, but it wasn't brie or even camembert. Hell, he would even eat some cheddar right now. But the prospect of spending another morning stuffing his face with shredded parmesan was doing nothing for his morning depression. He finally got out of bed and made the walk of shame to the kitchen. Here we go again. He opened the fridge. There was no cheese. A huge whiskered shadow monster thing appeared beside him, 'hello Bob' it said, breath reeking of parmesan. Bob died.

 

[Toby Frost]

Good point. That mixture of action - thought - (sometimes) introspection breaks it up really well. I'm currently reading a book (Case Histories by Kate Atkinson) that uses the idea of a small thought or event triggering a memory too much for my liking. Like the "Bob did X" structure, it becomes quite noticeable after a while.

 

[Thiswriterinme]

Having a period of time where your character is alone gives you a great opportunity to work in details about the character by including their thoughts and sensory experiences with their actions. You could also use that time to do some setting embellishment from your character's POV. That kind of description based on their observation also gives insight into the character and how they relate to their setting which could be indicative of their reactions within the story.

There is definitely a balance between thought, action, sensory experience, and setting description though. I think we've all read books where a scene description goes on too long (or focuses on something so small - like grass or clouds - for too long) or an internal monologue seems to last forever (I come across excessive internal monologues in Anime a lot. I know it is part of the style, but there are a lot of times I want them to just skip past all that).

First-person writing does seem to fall into the "s/he did" monotony more commonly than third-person writing (though third-person is not immune as illustrated with Bob and his cheese). You could play around with writing in third-person and see if that helps generate more ideas for how to make a first-person passage more interesting or fleshed out. Reading books or short stories written in third-person could also help give you an idea of how to fill some of that space.

 

[tinkerdan]

The fact that you have noticed it should tell you that something needs to be done.

I am wondering the same thing. Just because something feels repetitive when writing it, does not mean it will feel repetitive when reading it. I hope if I keep the plot moving, the reader will be more interested in the sequence of events than the words used to describe them. I think I will complete the scene, polish it using some of the suggestions above, and post an excerpt in Critiques.

Your making a list of things that she did or in other words you are telling us what she did.
Why not--as some have mentioned above--show us what she is doing.

If you get hold of the first publication of my first novel, I think it's a good argument that you--can--use said too much..
Anyway, when I do edits and find these repetitive things I search for something that can organically fix the problem--if it takes too much force to fix it then it gets left the way it is; however there is usually a better way of saying it than to draw it all out like a shopping list.