232 words of new short/novella (weird fic/horror) - too long an intro or...?

[Cosmic Geoff]

The moon has grown a giant mouth and is silently, madly whispering what experts, lip-readers, etc cannot translate.

Duh. Very weird. I hardly dare ask what has happened here.

I liked the first paragraph as I can relate to insects trying to get out through a glass pane. (Not seen a bee,though). Why 'ended up blind', though?
disinterested - wrong word - I suggest uninterested, bored?

That memory’s occurred to me many times as I write this (which is more for company than anything else, but I suppose someone’s got to record what’s happened); not that the throngs of mute people mindlessly walking single file, hand-in-hand, around the odd alleys, streets and lanes of Sunburye - and, I assume, the entire globe - really care.

All one sentence. It might be easier to read if you split it.
walking single file, hand-in-hand - that might be physically difficult.

Matthew, the poster boy for the phrase, there’s none so blind as those who don’t see... springs to mind.

The religious reference might be lost on some readers in our secular/multicultural society. The deviation from 'There's none so blind as those who will not see' is I assume intentional. I don't think the paragraph as a whole is very successful.

Something else, perhaps. Something with a less edifying agenda.

A clear note of menace there.
Overall, I think it partly works as an opening to a weird story, but could bear some reworking. The link between the child watching the bee and the current situation (ambiguously defined) seems strained. Maybe you are trying to cram too much in and something needs to go - perhaps the fourth paragraph.

 

[Phyrebrat]

@Cosmic Geoff Thank you for taking the time to read and comment - appreciate the points you've made, thanks. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to acknowledge your reply!

I've stalled a little on this short - partly because I'm nearing completing the first draft of my second novel, but mostly because the story's tone and feel isn't going at all how I wanted. It's all become a bit too prosaic and 'normal' whereas I wanted it to have a much more Ligotti-esque feel. Or perhaps dark fairy tale-ish. I think I became too concerned with trying to create an everyday, believable world at the expense of mood.

I'll probably put up a newer version when I've got a firmer grip on the approach.