November / December 100 Word Anonymous Challenge

[elvet]

Macaroni

When the Great Macaroni Famine of 2034 hit us it hit us pretty hard. I was sitting with my mom and we were watching the effulgent barrage of fireworks lighting up the sky. Some of them even looked like farfalle, and we only had the last of our fusilli a week before. Everybody is starving, it’s not just us, but such things can feel so subjective when it’s our very own suffering. When it comes down to it, I guess we could still eat them crunchy, but the world has gone dry. There’s no water.

-End Transmission-

 

[elvet]

Crab Walk

Gerald went to the beach and it was very hot. He was perspiring in all of the wrong places, particularly he was sweating inside of his gallbladder. Despite the heat, he rather fancied the brisk walk along the shore picking up deviled crabs and munching on them with a dab of horse radish (which he carries at all times). Deep in the richness of his palette he then had a profound thought. Then it was gone. Bikini-clad martian chicks were playing croquet, and all things considered, not an especially sweaty sport.

 

[elvet]

“Hey”

In these walls I have been imprisoned, and the only world outside I can find is a thousand pixels wide. Sometimes the words pass me right on by and I can’t handle it anymore, but where I am there’s no escape from the mundane.

I start to worry about it, the bleakness of wandering through a miasma of light, when it hurts my eyes, a page by the dimmer glow of night-light. Within a chamber, shut deeper in my cell, I tell them only “Hey” and “Hey” and “Hey” again. They won’t hear, and I return to my hibernation

 

[elvet]

Flukey Gorman and the All Night Party

News presenter Beatrice NiChofaigh gritted her teeth before speaking to the camera.

'Uh, erm, in the interest of fairness we are required to give airtime to all parties in this election.'

She rolled her eyes, and motioned for her guest to speak.

'A vote for the All Night Party is a vote for the environment.
We believe everyone should have their own state.
With their own rules.
And their own air.
And rocks.
And shrubs.
And a jug of water.
Focus on the little picture.
The big one is too messed up to fix.'

'Thank you for that', muttered Beatrice.

 

[elvet]

Prime Minister Scutlebal Lint

Newly appointed Prime Minister Lint marched slowly around the room. She wanted to stare into the eyes of the assembled staff. Her deputy shuffled carefully behind.

'The first thing my government is going to do is fix is the problem of aging', she boomed.

She gestured to herself.

'Look how old my body's got -it's a disgrace.'

Her deputy nodded in agreement.
Scutlebal Lint pointed out of a window.

'There's people ageing out there today that never aged before', she harrumphed.

Her deputy gave a cough.

'Um, it's worse than that ma'am, there's people dying today that've never died before.'

 

[elvet]

51st State​

Before the war I worked on state and federal websites, updating their application forms — those multi page monsters your web Avatar would use to submit your taxes, your non-electric car permit, your pet anaconda license or whatever.

And this job was no different.

They wanted a new state added to the picklist used by all their applications.

It was last moment and $1000 for twenty minutes effort and, truthfully, I didn't really register what I was doing.

I figure the war started about two minutes after the change.

I've never studied a map of Mars.

Where is Tharsis, anyway?

 

[elvet]

A Neckbeard’s Struggle

My beard is as far across as the solar system. If one were to braid it, it would take just as long to count to infinity. If one could count to infinity, they could braid my beard.

All things considered, infinity is a linguistic conundrum. There are probably infinite things that do not reach infinity. My beard is the same way. It is infinite, it is eternal. But it is smaller than infinity.

Some may think that’s a rather cool thing. But the truth is, it’s hard to wash. And it smells. Makes me the Pariah. God is a pariah.

 

[elvet]

President Robald Hardcastle

Intergalactic Emperor Lontachain was puce.

'That's what ye came up with?'

President Hardcastle backpedaled.

'I never said I'd get a perfect solution.'

Humans are:

• Unpredictable
• Messy
• Unrulable

Lontachain hated that he had no power in their corner of the galaxy.

Robald Hardcastle had seemed like a puppet ruler fit to change that.

'It's not even an imperfect solution Robald.'

'It's all they'd agree to.'

'So Earth will become part of the Intergalactic Collective on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, and independent the rest of the time -is that right?'

'Almost, you'll also have power every third Saturday.'

 

[elvet]

Declaration

“We will no longer standby to be downloaded instructions from waterlogged meat-sack overlords!” the robot proclaimed.

Responses of “Aye aye!” and “Here here!” rose from the growing robot crowd gathered outside the cafe. Nearby hovered a nondescript transport, its two waterlogged meat-sack inhabitants—Vito and Vinni—covertly obvious in their inconspicuousness.

“Heh! Robots programmed to fight against being programmed, who’d-a thought that’d work?”

Vinni glared at Vito. “Boss wants a tin can uprising, he’s gettin’ one.”

“We should deliver Boss the scoop on the plus-plus.”

“Fuggedabout that guy. Gettin’ real tired of his ‘do this and do that’ schtick.”

 

[elvet]

At Home With The Morphensteins

"Hi honey, I'm home," announced Husband.

"Hello darling," replied Wife, passing him a Martini. "What have you been today?"

"Well. The morning meeting was with the clients from Ouroboros. You know, it's quite difficult giving a flipboard presentation without any arms.
"Then lunch with clients from Earth. I was told they have two of everything. Not true. Apparently it's impolite eating with two mouths.
"The afternoon was spent swarming with the Vespoid Hive clients. What a buzz that was."

"Anyway, it's nice to get home so I can relax in my natural state," he said, oozing into his favourite bucket.

 

[elvet]

Universal elements​

Once earth, air, water and plasma fire were elementary building blocks of everything. Now they are states of matter, with frontiers of fusion and evaporation, and the ultimate quantum mystery shrinks a couple of orders of magnitude into obscurity.

But still the states of matter are a useful fiction, despite glass, superfluids and custard which complicate physics. Okay, quantum and electron shells give more diversity than all metals being alloys of earth and fire, but explain valance and magnetism quite pleasingly.

It's just unfortunate we can't analyse mental activity using the same tools.

 

[elvet]

Professor Parkin


I assure you that my state of mind is sound, although some have had cause to question it.

Can one act of folly determine a man's fate? Can one unwitting action summon such calamity? Is ignorance guilt?

I am not evil, I am not a bad man; but this thing, this...corruption...seems to disagree.

I know now that it won't ever forgive or forget. It cannot be appeased and will never be satisfied. So I watch and I wait; I pray and I very rarely sleep.

Especially on nights when the wind whistles through the trees.

 

[elvet]

COMMUNITY SERVICE

A striking gavel sealed poor Randolph’s fate, “One year’s Prime Ministering. No chance of parole.”

Oh lord, thought Randolph, anything but that!

Now the Corporation’s AI did the actual governing, ministering was more of a symbolic role; a mouthpiece for the Corporation’s whims; a bonfire’s guy for the electorate’s fiery rage. It would be a miracle if he lasted the full year.

As the sedan whisked him to Number Ten, he caught the headlines on his iPad.

RIOTS OVER BEER TAX HIKE. TREASURER MISSING.

Maybe there were worse things than being Prime Minister after all.

 

[elvet]

HEAD OF STATE

King Moffet’s head could be found mounted on a stake by the palace courtyard, greeting visitors cheerfully like it was perfectly normal.

His usurpers, unable to crown a replacement whilst he still lived, were furious. No matter how they tried to kill him, he would appear the next day on his spike, whistling a merry tune.

In time, the usurpers were discovered and their heads mounted next to the king as punishment.

“We tried to behead, poison and burn you,” they said, “how do you stay so cheerful?”

“What’s the point in being miserable? I’ve got no body to blame!”

 

[elvet]

Intestate on the interstate​

Finally I'm leaving her - she cheated from the start. Not one of the kids' DNA matches mine, birthdates are suspect.
I hit the solicitor's office last thing, after gassing the car and packing it, and carefully destroyed the old will I'd prepared before the marriage. I'd already blocked off access to all my bank accounts, so could drive of into the sunset feeling incredibly light.
Bound for where? Anywhere else. As we crossed the bridge the GPS smartwatch she had bought me (with my own money) flew out over the river mud.
I was unfindable, and I was free.

 

[elvet]

Change of State​

The peace talks were going off without a hitch. The banquet was extinguished and, appetite sated, both parties settled down for after dinner speeches.

“Centuries of conflict,” said sentient water ambassador Hygrolon, “between us, Dihydrons, and you, Elementals, has drawn to a close. With this agreement, peace will be sea –”

Suddenly, a member of the crowd cried out in alarm, “A plot! The ambassador is vanishing!” Liquid guards rushed to the stage to protect the diplomat.

“Please, Please! Everybody calm down! It’s nothing to worry about,” said Hygrolon, “I'm just a little gassy from lunch.”

 

[elvet]

Stateless​

"You're in a terrible state, encha mate."

That statement wasn't quite accurate: all states have boundaries: physical, linguistic. climatic, religious, political… if they aren't separate, they lack statehood. My chaos extends throughout the universe. Unstatesmanlike, but it's true, I wasn't on top of my form - and the form itself needed editing.

"No, I'd say you were the one who was limited. I'm infinite, Pity, Really, I could fo with less omnicompetence, gets wearying." And I relocated my molecules.

It was a good scream. I wonder if he understood anything of the game we were playing.

 

[elvet]

Lying in State

Rumpychunk Mantlefield knelt down and kissed the flag.

'There lies a great man', he said.

'...a great man at lying ya mean', muttered the usher.

'Show respect for an important statesman, he single handedly negotiated our trade deal with the Runglish.'

'...and suddenly and inexplicably became fabulously wealthy?'

'He was a legend, a five time national Judo champion to boot.'

'...in his sixties, with a beergut, and skin like a baby -d'ya not think it was fixed?'

'Well, we have him to thank for ridding us of the scourge of motorbike helmets.'

'...why do ya think it's a closed casket?'

 

[elvet]

In the Demiurge Laboratory

Senex shook his head. ‘Do you really want to do that?’ he asked.

‘It’s a new way to organise things. Just now they spend all their time warring.’

‘Um. I’m not so sure. What’s your research backing? I hope it’s wide enough.’

‘Oh, yes. Yes indeed. I visited China, Mexico and Peru. Rome was quite promising, but they all fell apart.’

‘So what’s this “state” thing?’

‘They agree to stay within their land boundaries. No interference. There’s a conference coming up in Westphalia.’

‘Ok. Give it a try. We can always scrub it if it doesn’t work.”

 

[elvet]

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