Action scene of clashing magic spells (745 words)

[Flaviosky]

Hello dear community

This time I wanted to share with you what's supposed to be the climatic battle of the first volume of my story. One of the MC got posessed by the villain (Arck) and holds a legendary sword, now corrupted by the villain's arcane magic and reaching a nearly demonic state (arcane magic is corrupted magic after over-using normal magic, usially in what's called fusion magic, combining different magic schools).

Diane is the protagonist, Natalie is her personal guard, Gareth is a powerful soldier with magical abilities, Philippe is a mage and member of the mage's academy, Valerie is a rogue mage, Isalvine is a young priestess apprentice, Rina is a powerful high priestess and Enzo is medium-tier swordsman.

The POV is on Valerie, the rogue mage.

I wanted to know if the action scene is actually fun, if the pace and structure are appropiate, and if there's too much going on. I fear the scene may be a little bit confusing.

Thanks a lot for your time and patience.

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There might be a chance! He’s not dead!

Valerie comes out from her bafflement and follows Philippe, while Gareth inserts his sword in his shield's side slot and aims his hand towards Arck. His white aura shines and bursts, the crystal on his shield starts shining as well. His gaze is piercing, fixed on his opponent.

Philippe’s aura gets stronger and stronger “Arrrgh, come on!” he yells, as his magic intensifies. He shudders, bringing one hand to his face.

“Damned. Academy mage!”

Arck’s aura bursts and he launches a black ice spell towards Philippe, but a fireball deflects the attack.

“Good job, Valerie!” Rina cheers.

Valerie breathes rapidly, seeing Philippe casting fire, ice and thunder in a swirling orb of magic, just in front of Gareth. The shining mist coming out of his aura fuses with the energy that comes out of Gareth, forming a whirlwind of sheer might.

“Let’s end this!” Gareth shouts.

His aura shines high, and he releases his ray of light magic that combines with Philippe’s spell, unleashing a bursting elemental ray towards Ark. A huge shockwave from their combined power makes everything tremble, and the water of the stone floor turns to steam as the ray travels through the shrine.

“You. Will die!”

Arck screams, bursting his dark aura. He points the sword towards Gareth and he unleashes a dark beam, as the black mist swirls and fuses with his demonic power.

The spells clash. Neither attack surpasses the other in this struggle of energy. The whole place trembles, while black and white sparks scatter in all directions. The stone floor shatters under these sources of energy pushing against each other.

“I. Will turn you to. DUST!”

His eyes glow purple and more energy comes out of him, pushing Gareth’s attack back.

“Arrrrgh, Philippe! More magic!”

“I’m not sure I can…!”

Philippe’s body is stiff, his aura bursting strongly as he keeps fueling his elemental spell. Some dark sparks shine from his aura, and his nose starts to bleed.
“I won’t be able to hold it for long…!”

Gareth’s body trembles, he grinds his teeth, but he steps back.

Rina seems nervous “This looks bad, we have to do something before Philippe’s magic turns arcane!”

She reaches Philippe and starts using light magic.

“Arck’s rear flank is clear! We have to attack!” Natalie says

She runs, Valerie, Diane, Enzo and Isalvine follow her. Their running is hard, as the energy from the clashing magic makes the ground tremble and the wind to swirl with violence. Natalie struggles to charge against Arck, facing the dark tempest his cursed aura generates.

“Dammit, aaargh! This energy is so strong!”

Enzo covers his face from the gust “I can’t go further!”

Gareth’s legs tremble, giving another step back.

“Philippe!”

Rina’s teeth grind, her aura bursting high, still casting her replenishing spell

“Come on! I won’t be able to purge Arck from him if I faint!”

“Valerie! Attack with magic, it’s the only thing that will reach him!” Natalie says.

Valerie nods and focuses, casting a firebolt that travels through the arcane tempest and hits Arck.

*Bwoom!*

The smoke gets swallowed by a dark mist. Arck’s magic grows stronger.

“You are. Just insects!”

His dark aura bursts higher, and the shockwave pushes everyone standing close to the ground.

Valerie kneels, frustrated. “I’m...I’m so tired…”

Isalvine kneels as well, her fox ears down, trembling. She shares a deep stare with Valerie, but her dark green eyes don’t look defeated. She gets up, struggling to remain on her feet against the violent gust. Valerie stretches her hand and catches her, Isalvine immediately starts using light magic on her, despite her rampant breathing and her trembling hands.

“Hey, no! You’ll faint!”

“Bring him back…” Isalvine says.

She intensifies her magic and faints, falling by her side. Valerie stares at her hands and looks up.

“Valerie, come on!” Enzo yells

She stands up, resisting the strong wind coming out from the clash of magic before her. Her yellow eyes shine with a sharp gaze as she gathers fire magic on her hands.

Rina kneels, breathing heavily as her aura shimmers.

“NOW!”

Valerie casts her firebolt, and the explosion makes Arck trip, his dark aura shimmers. Gareth steps forward and his elemental beam bursts through Arck’s attack.

“Begone, revenant!”

A big explosion follows, nearby stone pillars crumble. The sound of the cracking soil is deafening, making the shocked screams of everyone inaudible. A dense cloud of mist and dust covers the place.

 

[dgackst]

I found this scene very fun, and the pace and structure seemed appropriate. I found myself reading through everything quickly because of how you structured it. You did a great job of conveying an urgency in the fight, and I really enjoyed that. Every bit of dialogue seemed fitting and was well suited for a battle scene. Also, I could feel the urgency in the character's voice as I read. I found myself gritting my own teeth at certain points.

I didn't think there was too much going on in the scene for it to make sense. But I was a little confused if the protagonists knew they were fighting one of their own (now possessed by Arck), or they believed they were fighting the main villain Arck and the individual Arck possessed was no longer recognizable. The "Begone, revenant!" piece spoken by Gareth at the end makes me believe that it is the former (known one of their own was possessed) and that they are attempting to exorcise the villain out.

That was the only bit I was a little lost on. Every thing else though I really enjoyed. Very good pace and structre, I think. It read quickly.

Thank you for sharing!

 

[PadreTX]

For me,

It definitely is colorful. Alot went into describing the magic.

It was confusing though.

“Damned. Academy mage!”

At first, I didn't know if this was Arck describing his enemy, or Philippe describing a novice mage.

With all the people, it was difficult to folllow who did what.

When Arck is described in the scene, I forgot he was possessing someone. I don't even know who Arck possesses. If that's in the story, I didn't pick up on it.

A big explosion follows, nearby stone pillars crumble.

Is there a ceiling that also falls down?

I am probably going at this with a disadvantage of not knowing these characters, who would be introduced and learned about from reading earlier in the novel.

Fun read though. It just needs to be easier to understand, with all the parts of the scene.

 

[The Big Peat]

Didn't work for me I'm afraid. And that might just be me being me so take the following with a pinch of salt. Small stuff first.


You can tighten up the prose and PoV, which would help (the sheer number of bodies makes it confusing) i.e.

"Arck’s aura bursts and he launches a black ice spell towards Philippe, but a fireball deflects the attack.

“Good job, Valerie!” Rina cheers.

Valerie breathes rapidly, seeing Philippe casting fire, ice and thunder in a swirling orb of magic, just in front of Gareth."

Whose fireball is that? I presume it's Valerie's, but if we're in her fireball, would it be "a fireball" or "her fireball"? Saying "her fireball" makes it clearer. Although I have to say, it generally feels omniscient PoV, and if it's not and it's meant to all be Valerie's PoV - then "Rina’s teeth grind" - how does Valerie know that? (also two cases of teeth grinding feels clusmy)

Also the sentence "Valerie breathes rapidly, seeing Philippe..." - could be "Valerie breathes rapidly. Philippe casts" to create shorter, snappier sentences, and remove some of the passive wording.


There's also some stuff where the English phrasing is a little odd - I don't know if this is too nitpicky for you, whether you want it picked up, but stuff like "She shares a deep stare with Valerie, but her dark green eyes don’t look defeated." - you stare at someone, but you don't share a stare with someone.


The big thing for me though is there's not a lot of emotion to it. I have no idea how Valerie feels about Arck? Sad about how he fell? Angry at what he's done? Delighted to be finally beating him? How does the various events make her feel? Take the following

"Their running is hard, as the energy from the clashing magic makes the ground tremble and the wind to swirl with violence."

Yes, you have shared how Valerie is in the moment, but it feels distant, not like we're there with Valerie. Does the wind hurt? Does Valerie fall or stumble?

By and large, and I'm holding forth on Anglosphere standards that you may feel don't apply to you, the best action scenes rely on great action *and* great emotion. I feel like you've tried to convey all the action happening, but you've not looked for Valerie's emotions to be central.


Hope that all makes sense. I think it could be a good scene with editing but it's definitely a little confusing as things stand.

 

[Flaviosky]

remove some of the passive wording.

Thanks. I'm using a bit of it so I don't get a monotony of "He does X, then she does Y, then Z happens", but I'll try to use passive voice less often.

I have no idea how Valerie feels about Arck

You're right. Her thoughts are a little bit abscent, so I got deeper in that.

it generally feels omniscient PoV

It is, but one of the first piece of advice I got here is to focus on one character to feel closer to the action and avoid head-hopping.

Thanks for the critique!

 

[Bowler1]

Evening all and Merry Christmas.

It didn't quite work for me which was a pity, because the writing was generally good.

I found the section a little distant and confusing with all the characters. For me, there was no central POV from a character to make it feel real. Looking over the section again there are feelings and emotions from more than one character, which is head hopping for me and this adds to the general confusion I was left with. In a busy scene, battles etc. sticking with one character, their feelings and emotions, fear etc. works better and keeps the narrative clear.

Dialogue and who was speaking when was far from clear and was caused by missing speech tags. In a scene with lots of characters be strict on speech tags and don't assume the reader will keep up with you, because I didn't - possibly you splitting dialogue and how you edited the section here as well, so if dialogue belongs to a character then keep this together.

Rina kneels, breathing heavily as her aura shimmers, "NOW," she shouted with all her might - this small change to me makes it clear it was Rina speaking.
The original was a little confusing with POV, as her kneeling action linked to her breathing and aura is close to Rina's POV.

Valerie casts her firebolt, and the explosion makes Arck trip, his dark aura shimmers. Gareth steps forward and his elemental beam bursts through Arck’s attack.
We then jump to Valarie and her clear POV, that is immediately followed by Gareth with no paragraph break to show it is a new character action, and confuses which character POV I am supposed to focus on. This all lacks clarity and control, and adds to my confusion by the end.

Very good technical writing, but the clarity was not there for me (lack of strict POV and poor control of dialogue) and because of this the impact of the scene was lost near the end. Quite common in big busy scenes, but from what I can see Flaviosky, you have the skills to correct this. Focus on tight editing when in a big battle scene. I find sticking with one character and what they see and feel is usually best for clarity, and if they feel pain etc. then that emotional hook works better for the reader.

Good luck with it mate, you'll get there.

 

[Flaviosky]

Dialogue and who was speaking when was far from clear and was caused by missing speech tags

Thanks a lot. I was assuming that if I was talking about what "Character X" was doing and then put a dialogue without tag, then the reader would assume that the dialogue stayed with the focus of the action. I see that this may not work when too many characters are involved.

We then jump to Valarie and her clear POV, that is immediately followed by Gareth with no paragraph break to show it is a new character action

I can clearly see your point when examining the other paragraphs. It is best to have separate paragraphs to different character actions? I'm asking because with that criteria, a fairly long prose is nearly impossible in battle scenes, even using full stops to keep sentences short.

 

[Bowler1]

Separate paragraphs for separate character actions is in my view needed. But if you're staying with a strict POV of one character, then it is that character seeing the world around them so you don't need separate paragraphs. Remember however, that they see other character reactions through their eyes so it is the main POV response to what they see and stay with that. In a big scene, in my opinion it is actually easier to manage when I stay with one POV, and a character that may not see everything either, just like in real life. That way you get to play with what can be heard only, or felt. Leading from the front, or cowering in a hole scared, means a character cannot see everything and by trying to describe all that's happening, you miss the opportunity for close emotion, elation and/or popping your pants fear. Hopefully this helps, but bear in mind this works for me, but might not do for you and you have to find what works for you when writing.

 

[Wayne Mack]

On theory I got from Brandon Sanderson's lectures was that the reader will be in either description mode or dialog mode and the reader's mind will follow one or the other. In the sample, action and dialog is interleaved making it more difficult to follow either one. Given that this is an action scene, consider dropping all dialog or pushing it to the beginning and to the end of the scene.

On a more technical note, reconsider the use of random periods in dialog text. Either use a period between each word (which is a trend I thoroughly dislike) or only use periods to close a complete thought.

 

[msstice]

either description mode or dialog mode and the reader's mind will follow one or the other

<raises hand with intent to quarrel>

My current opinion is that it is more seamless to trickle in environmental descriptions as characters converse. Looking at the context do you mean fighting scenes vs dialog? Yes, I think extensive clever quipping during combat can be grating. Unless it's The Princess Bride.

 

[Shiftless]

Bowler 1 expresses my thoughts:

... There was no central POV from a character ... Looking over the section again there are feelings and emotions from more than one character, which is head hopping for me and this adds to the general confusion. In a busy scene ... sticking with one character ... works better and keeps the narrative clear.

Fast paced and fun action scene, but I wasn't sure who was on who's side. Maybe it will work better in the context of the longer work. The reader will get to know the characters and therefore will know which are allies and which are enemies.

 

[Flaviosky]

but I wasn't sure who was on who's side

Well, considering the villain is a specter controlling one of the MC's body, all other characters want to defeat the villain but don't want the MC to die.

But yes, all of that gets clear from the beginning, considering this is supposed to be the climatic battle of the book. I'll work on that POV, the dialogue tags and be careful to not mix (too much) characters in each paragraph

 

[Wayne Mack]

<raises hand with intent to quarrel>

My current opinion is that it is more seamless to trickle in environmental descriptions as characters converse. Looking at the context do you mean fighting scenes vs dialog? Yes, I think extensive clever quipping during combat can be grating. Unless it's The Princess Bride.

The theory I am repeating is that the reader has two different reading modes and having the reader context switch between them detracts from the reader's ability to follow what is written. This is briefly referenced at time 6:30 in this Brandon Sanderson lecture on writing dialog,

(I found this discussion to be well worth the investment of ten minutes of time).

I have never read The Princess Bride and it's been years since I watched the movie. It would be an interesting experiment to see if movies follow the separation approach as well. Do movies tend to have dialog during scene setting shots? Do movies have dialog during action sequences? Focusing on writers, the experiment could also be done on the next novel one reads.

For me, the idea of different reading modes provides a rational reason to adopt certain writing conventions. I feel that my writing has improved by separating descriptive sections from dialog sections and that intermixing the two compromises the clarity and flow and engagement with the text. I find it easier to follow a theory than a simple rule nor conjecture.

 

[WSDuffy]

Thank you for submitting this. I thought you did a number of things really well. The battle was definitely ambitious given the number of people involved, and you gave a really good sense of motion, particularly in the early part of the conflict. However, there are a few opportunities that I see for improvement, that I hope won't require massive change for you, with one exception,

1 (the hard one): I would consider shifting from English present to English past tense. This is a big change, I admit, but it would make the prose flow a little smoother. That said, the present tense model does work great in screenplays

2: Add a few phrases to give moments a space to breathe. Adding some reaction space would give weight to important scenes and help add stakes to the situation. For example, when Gareth and Phillipe send their huge team attack at Arck, the speed of the response undercuts what should be a harrowing moment. If we saw the huge blast of the two, a moment when they pause/show fatigue, and then see Arck walk through unscathed, it would help hype how powerful Arck is.

3. I would escalate more clearly to the point when Valerie's magic becomes necessary, as it seems like everyone sees it as a big risk/big deal when she goes in. I would start with a failed physical attack to establish that such attacks don't work on ark, maybe before Gareth adjusts his shield. Then have the Phillipe elemental attack, which shows that only high level magic has a chance. Then bring in Valerie as the last resort, with Isalvine buffing her even though doing so will cause her to collapse (which has consequences later, I think)? This would establish the desperation of Valerie's stand, and make clear that that her fire bolt is fundamentally different from Philippe and others' elemental magic.

4. As written, Rina and Enzo seem largely superfluous. I would either cut them, or have Arck take them out quickly to establish his power.

Hope that helps

 

[Flaviosky]

Add a few phrases to give moments a space to breathe

Agree completely. I've given more text to certain descriptions to postpone the resolution of certain elements of the battle. I found that it also builds tension.

I would escalate more clearly to the point when Valerie's magic becomes necessary,

I get the point and aso agree. I've added more text to build tension towards that moment, inclusing doubts and moments at the brink of defeat.

As written, Rina and Enzo seem largely superfluous.

Well, Enzo is the weakest of them all and Rina lacks offensive magic, although she's the only one that can purge Arck off the body he's using. I'll try to get Enzo knocked out early.

Very (I mean, very) helpful comments, really giving good material to work and review the entire story (again XD). Thanks a lot.

 

[WSDuffy]

Very (I mean, very) helpful comments, really giving good material to work and review the entire story (again XD). Thanks a lot.

I would be happy to review your whole story when the time comes.

 

[msstice]

The theory I am repeating is that the reader has two different reading modes and having the reader context switch between them detracts from the reader's ability to follow what is written.

Thanks for posting that lecture.

I agree in general that if we have a long conversation, it's better (and more plausible) to have a tableau type scene where folks are sitting round chewing the fat and not doing sword fighting in the middle. Occasional references to actions, like cutting an apple, or sipping a drink, are still helpful, I think. I've seen effective use of "characters doing stuff" used instead of dialog tags.

Most of the time, however, my characters are saying a sentence or two, and stuff is happening in between, and I think that is natural. We typically explore the world, interact and then share information based on what we found and the questions that arise.

 

[Billijak]

I agree with much of the above. I really enjoy this type of fantasy fiction and I found your writing to be fast paced and energetic. Perhaps slightly too fast paced. It is a little confusing as I think you have 8 characters in this scene, but as you mentioned it's the climatic battle so I would assume by that point all of these characters would be well established and known to the reader.
I would definitely allow some moments to let the characters breathe and maybe describe their positions in relation to each other. I liked how the magic reacted with their environment and caused damage. IMO more of this would add tangiability to the scene.
Would read more.