Ok, I'm bruised, beaten and broke.
Have to take a break for a while, to let my head stop spinning.
I hope you're feeling a little better now. It is always hard to open one's writing up to critical review, so congratulate yourself on having both the guts to do it and the humility to accept opinions on your work.
Some thoughts on the specific issues you've raised, in the hope they help.
For Sule -
Yea, thought the meal was a bit too much. Though, as they say - a picture is worth a thousand words. And it is referring to the fine food served at the inn. Otherwise simply stating they were eating a meal, could be interpreted as basically eating iron rations.
I'm a great believer in including food! It's part of every culture and its use can give insights into your world so forms an unobtrusive way to slip in world-building -- a lunch of figs and oranges immediately conjures up a different milieu from bread and dripping. So don't be afraid of writing food into the story, but I'd suggest that you think exactly what "fine food" means in this time and place and adjust the menu accordingly, and then bring it in more subtly ie not just literally paraded in, and through the characters eg "Vaust immediately fell upon the venison pasty" or "Garym disliked spiced food ordinarily, but the cinnamon-scented curd tart was wonderful and he ate it all"
The 3 different references to Garym. Just trying to give various references than continually saying Garym or he all the time.
In the past the French tended to use periphrasis in description, so you're in good company! However, it reads as a little arch to Anglo-Saxon ears. Where there are only the two of them then "he" is fine, rather than using the name. It's more difficult with three or more characters, and sometimes rearranging lines helps so that one character keeps the dialogue for longer allowing the "he" to continue uninterrupted.
The change in locations is to (1) show the forgetfulness of a character - Vaust.
Then make this clear, perhaps, if it's relevant to the plot-- eg "Garym smiled to himself. As ever, Vaust had forgotten what she was doing" -- but perhaps when it's slightly more interesting for the scene, as by itself it doesn't really add enough here.
Pet peeve's - Perfunctory descriptions:
True, I do that. It is how I am. For I have a limited sense on how to describe someone I am imagining
I'm also bad at thinking what people look like, so I tend not to give descriptions much, so if you don't want to do it, don't. For me, part of the problem in your descriptions is that they sit flat on the page as if just dumped there. I've read successful thrillers that do this -- each new character accompanied by a paragraph -- but they tend to have more interesting detail. And just as with the food, ground description in the characters and their reactions/ideas if possible, or with action eg instead of "[she's] wearing a short, violet and gray dress" have something like "her short dress exposing her knees as she walked, to the disgust of an elderly goblin" or "wearing violet again since Garym had once said it suited her".
You mentioned a close third person POV - what is that?
Instead of being a film camera standing back and watching the whole scene, be eg Garym, and watch everything through his eyes, describing what he sees, what he thinks etc
As far as the hat - it is a Stetton type of hat. And since Stetton is a trademark, did not know if I could say it. I have three horses and do wear one. And are there really 'cowboys' in the fantasy realms? So how else was I going to describe the hat without everyone thinking a pointed wizards hat?
Stetson is indeed trademarked, but that doesn't prevent anyone talking about it or mentioning it in a novel as long as you avoid all risk of defaming the company eg by linking the hat to nefarious goings-on! However, using the name of a company which is so closely tied to the American west in the C19th, in a fantasy novel that isn't set in that time and place, would certainly pull me out of a story so I think you're right to avoid the name. Something like "a slouch hat" would work, but why would this character be wearing such a hat? Why not a hat that is perhaps more appropriate to the time and setting?
Your asking to leave some descriptions out, for the reader fill in something suitable on their own. And yet Sule mentions perfunctory descriptions. Which road to take . . . . ?
From my reading of Sule's comment the "perfunctory" isn't that there's too little, but that the descriptions you give are too uninformative because they're flat police-speak rather than based on what gives detail about the characters -- both the character being described and the POV character effectively doing the describing.
Some kind of hook to getting interested. Hard to do with only a snippet from the book.
Um, well, no. Obviously the opening paragraph/page is where a hook is vital, to attract new readers, but thereafter you have to keep the reader hooked -- every new scene has to make the reader want to read on, so every new scene needs a hook of some kind of its own. The kind of hook may change, because there are different ways of keeping the reader interested, but there must still be something.
Here for instance, I'd have started the chapter with the three of them sitting at a table, Vaust still picking at the meat or guzzling her wine, and Astrin telling them precisely what he wants them to do, which to my mind would be immediately more gripping, hooking the reader into reading further. Clearly, I don't know where you're going next, but in truth is there anything in this part of the scene as written which is absolutely vital to the plot or our understanding of the characters which can't somehow be brought in later or in a different way?
I like the simple pleasantries. Just because current society is getting to the point where everyone will soon live in hover-chairs and their meals (and everything else) delivered to them.
You're absolutely right. Pleasantries of this kind are the oil that helps to avoid friction between people in real life, and we need them, more of them. But...
But what is wrong with reading about two people being introduced?
The cheap answer is -- it's boring. Or, at the very least, it risks being boring unless handled very deftly. Lit fic can get away with it -- perhaps because lit fic readers expect to be bored!!
-- but we genre writers don't have that luxury. Books aren't real life, so we don't add in all the ums and ahs and endless repetitions that form real conversations, and in the same way we need to edit our writing to include only the things that take the story forward or help with characterisation -- in some cases that can mean a long welcome, but for the most part it's best to keep moving.
And yet, the various books I have read over the years, all read differently. So where is the common thread that says their right - except that they have been published.
Different people like different things! There is no one-size-fits-all in books as in anything else, which is why all we can do here is give advice based upon what we have learned and what we understand/believe might attract the attention of agents, publishers and readers. If on reflection you prefer to write how you want to write, then just ignore us, and certainly if you were planning on SPing, there's no need to worry about what anyone else thinks. Ultimately, you have to enjoy your own work, and if trying to change your style makes you unhappy, then don't.
Meanwhile, stop beating yourself up about "lack of writing knowledge" -- we're all still learning as we go, it's just that we're a little higher up the writing mountain than you are at present, and we're offering a few guide ropes as you embark on the steeper ridges!
