Write an opening that would stop you buying a book

Eye wrote this book and eye hoope you in-joy it. Mye hoorscope told mee to trye sompthing new sew eye wroote this.
Eye goght up this mornning, eight and wint four a wallk. Caim back and red a paeper. It wous a goud daye sew far win beans from out there in Spaic took me four a wried in thear Spaic shipp. It wous foun!
 
It was a stark and dormy night. The goblins were gobbling like turkeys, but the banshee wasn't wailing - she'd been banned. My sword snored in the scabbard where it was stored as I stumbled across the peach cobblerstones past a neon sigh that flashed "GHOULS - GHOULS - GHOULS." I'd drunk too much whiskery at the Cat Cub so I wasn't even tempted - I just wanted to find a place to spill my guts. "I can help with that!" cried a gas-hobgoblin, waving his beetle-axe. "Just hold still a moment." I almost let him, but in my head I could hear the voice of the beautious Chlamydia calling me on to glory, which is one letter out from "gory" but often surprisingly similar. I pulled out my sword by the handle and hit the gas-hobgoblin with it, turning him into two half-goblins. One of them headbutted me in the cod-piece. The batter on the cod crunched and I was left with mushy peas. I was in danger of being gobbled up by the half-goblins, so I waved my sword and soared away.

[Continues in this vein for 250 pages.]
 
Fiberglass Cyborg said:
It was a stark and dormy night. The goblins were gobbling like turkeys, but the banshee wasn't wailing - she'd been banned. My sword snored in the scabbard where it was stored as I stumbled across the peach cobblerstones past a neon sigh that flashed "GHOULS - GHOULS - GHOULS." I'd drunk too much whiskery at the Cat Cub so I wasn't even tempted - I just wanted to find a place to spill my guts. "I can help with that!" cried a gas-hobgoblin, waving his beetle-axe. "Just hold still a moment." I almost let him, but in my head I could hear the voice of the beautious Chlamydia calling me on to glory, which is one letter out from "gory" but often surprisingly similar. I pulled out my sword by the handle and hit the gas-hobgoblin with it, turning him into two half-goblins. One of them headbutted me in the cod-piece. The batter on the cod crunched and I was left with mushy peas. I was in danger of being gobbled up by the half-goblins, so I waved my sword and soared away.

[Continues in this vein for 250 pages.]
Click to expand...
Hmmmm It actually has a very nice comedic vibe. If you can come up with an original plot or interesting characters I might be tempted to read it.
 
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