Fantasy Novel Prologue

[Devin]

I like the idea that the narrator is a historical chronicler, it lends credence to why the narrator has the knowledge they do, that's super cool. the self deprecation thing combined with the ending about authors wanting attention don't square for me. The narrator isn't you, the author, they don't need to be humble, especially if they are claiming to give the True account of something commonly misunderstood. I started imagining them as some kind of heretic, challenging the commonly believed story, or some kind of hipster or conspiracy theorist.

if you want the way they tell stories to be specific, pick a style that they speak in that's very different for your own, and set yourself some rules so the you can break them for fun. If this a lecturer then they aren't asking questions of the audience, except when they do. a drunk guy in a back stall of a bar, he flows from thing to thing more haphazardly, except for the things they really want to say.

I like that the narrator has character, but then you have to know why they are going to sit and tell us a story for however long the book is to read, y'know? its the reason people write love songs: you never have to defend why you're writing it, everyone understands heartbreak is a big emotion worth writing about.

what is the narrator trying to prove?

 

[Whitestar]

Hello Christine! I must admit that I really enjoyed reading your outline! However, like the other members have said, it needs some work and take pointers from each of them because they all raised some good points. And now I will provide my constructive feedback.

First, personally, I found the narrator constantly addressing the reader to be redundant, off-putting, and patronizing. It felt like the narrator was addressing a five year old child. This alone is enough to discourage your readers from continuing and as a result, they will put the book down. Now, I know that was not your intention, but that's how it comes across. Get rid of it because it is the first step towards streamlining your story. Second, you discuss about the King's inevitable death, which is your hook, that's great! Every good story begins with a hook and the King dying is it! BOOM! That's your hook! Well done!

But then the narrator pitches out to another direction and begins to talk about the princesses and a man who is being held captive. First of all, that's too many things happening at once and all at the beginning of your story. Second of all, what is their connection to the King? Why is that relevant at this moment? This is understandably confusing to the reader. You already had me hooked with the King dying, so stick with that first. You need to elaborate on it and you can do it in one of two ways.

The first option is to begin the story with the King's death, coupled with a funeral scene and then do a flashback sequence of him as a young King in his prime, just starting out in his kingdom. Or the second option is to hold off his death scene and then do a flashback sequence. Next, go into detail as to how he ran his kingdom. What kind of King was he? Was he a good King? Was he a bad King? Was he a fair King? Was he an incompetent King? Or somewhere in-between? What laws and rules did he established during his kingdom? How did he treat the people under his rule? What was he like behind the public's eye? Was he the same or a completely different person on a one-to-one basis? And so on.

Note, the character of the King doesn't necessarily has to be good or likable, in fact he could be the complete opposite, but he has to be a fascinating character and we at least have to be able to relate to him on some level. A character can be unlikable and repugnant, but he or she can still be a fascinating character at the same time.

As for the two princesses and man being held prisoner storyline, it also sounds interesting, and if they are a part of this story, that's fine, but these characters can show up at a later time. Focus on the King first and go from there.

I want to thank you Christine for being very brave by sharing your story with us, it takes enormous courage and I salute you!

This story has great potential, don't give up! Keep at it and I look forward to reading more about it when you're ready to post it.

And lastly, congratulations on completing your first book!

 

[magpie Asylum]

First of the sitting seems to have a lot going for it. I do have a few thoughts.
1: who is the narrator of this prologue? They is some character in the language (Now dear reader). It implies a relationship between the reader and the narrator. It might help to establish that in the first few lines. Maybe starting the prologue with a question like "Dear reader they say history is made in the great moments. What if I told you those are just the moments we write down? What if I told you its the unwritten moments that truly shape or world" Just a thought.

2: Location names matter. It helps establish the common language and hints at mythology of the world. I'd take some time to develop that especially since this is a chance to get a macro view of the locations.

Over all it has a lot of potential.

 

[Mark_Harbinger]

Hi Christine,

A few thoughts. YMMV.

On sequels: I've found balancing making something new while bringing along readers of the first piece a fun challenge. I'm not sure I'm succeeding (working on my sequel right now). As an answer, to have an (true, power) omniscient POV narrator come right out and meta-narrate the story-telling challenge is a bold attempt, and I celebrate that. I really do; but, I agree with others that this version doesn't quite land, for many of the reasons already listed.

On prologues: It succeeds in setting genre/pace/tone. At least, I think this is historical (eg, "leastways") fantasy, rapid-paced, and formal in tone. But, if I don't already know who this narrator is, then they become a veil with which I'm forced to contend, instead of a window to the story.

I do want to mention: I think it's very nice prose. I like how much (in the poisoned king scene, for example) is imparted through character reactions/actions; but, again, the juxtaposition of the narrator's "telling" about her own desires with the more effective "showing" of the scenes themselves becomes jarring.

One idea: Try this. If you do decide to keep the prologue and the motif, it still doesn't pass my first paragraph test (a little ditty I employ). There's more about it here: www.coffeebeatcafe.com/2021/06/01/the-first-paragraph-test/

To wit, what if you just start with paragraph two? Is that more intriguing? If the narrator can impart information and sly commentary on the down low without getting in the way, I think it all could work.

Thanks for sharing!!

 

[FarangFarmer]

First of all, I want to thank you for the pleasant read. The intro is great, I was hooked until you broke the fourth wall. I do like stories that break the fourth wall as long as it helps the story.

I do love the twist when the physician moves in closer to the king to examine him to find out that he is dying from something else, most likely poisoned by his daughter. I hated her a bit for that haha. When the knight moves in closer to intimidate the physician, you tell that he is a large man. How large is he? And is the eight-day ride to the city of the Goddess on foot? Also, how far is the land of Khan? How many days? Maybe an idea to give a number so the distance can be compared to the city of the Goddess?

"And here, on the same day that the poor physician attends his dying master in the castle to the east, on the eleventh day of the raven, in the fourteenth year of the Republic - as the Chronicle of the Temple will record it" - Can this sentence be written better so it improves the flow?

The keeping of a northern man is against the treaty that binds the republic and tribes together. The visitor is angry, but the High Priestess charms her; come, sit and have wine, an honest mistake has been made. The princess is satisfied, but when she leaves she takes the boy with her - I assume the Priestess takes the boy, right?

It makes no difference to me, reader. I am merely here to tell you what transpired in those days. Make of it what you will. - Can't you leave this sentence out? It might help to improve the flow

I would add a bit more information to the war of the rebellions against the king. It is a conflict and could be a very interesting part for the readers. We love conflicts and we love to know more about them.

I hope to read more of your pieces.

Also, the feedback from this community is so amazing. I love reading their feedback. It helps me as a writer too