Of course I like it. And, frankly, I think this will be divisive in terms of people who like this sort of thing (stylewise) and those who don't, because as far as I can see, there's not really much I don't like. Love the geography and the mentioning of real place names (in TCC I've just been writing about the navvies so we're channeling each other again) and you know I love a Victorian setting.
If I had to say what might be problematic:
I do think there's a quite a lot of self-consciousness in the writing, and you might consider turning down the level of simile and metaphor, and literary references.
As you know I tend to stick to deep POV so for me, the implication in the first para is that Rogers is the POV even though it's in omni/pres. This makes me wonder about some of the word choice and eloquence. Then in the second para are we thinking from the journalist's POV; and the third from Essex's?
There are some things that were a bit jarring in terms of choosing the best word. I don't think sinew is helpful for the sun, and call me a kid but a tumescent moustache made me giggle. Would aspic and Odysseus be forefront in that person's mind.
I feel the Leviathan Strange and Strange Books emporium might be better served introduced in the fog section, just for thematic tone. And I wonder if the opening statement (the sentence seems too short for me) might work better if : "Bill Rogers thinks London fog is like..."
Do we find out who this voice-from-above narrator is if we're not inferring it's the three men named? It might be an idea (if it is an actual person) to furnish the reader with some reference to the narrator's identity before this section.
I don't have a problem with present tense, or narration (just second person, present), which is why I think really this'll come down to reader preference.
Is this from the same WIP you sent me a short passage of last month?
If I had to say what might be problematic:
I do think there's a quite a lot of self-consciousness in the writing, and you might consider turning down the level of simile and metaphor, and literary references.
As you know I tend to stick to deep POV so for me, the implication in the first para is that Rogers is the POV even though it's in omni/pres. This makes me wonder about some of the word choice and eloquence. Then in the second para are we thinking from the journalist's POV; and the third from Essex's?
There are some things that were a bit jarring in terms of choosing the best word. I don't think sinew is helpful for the sun, and call me a kid but a tumescent moustache made me giggle. Would aspic and Odysseus be forefront in that person's mind.
I feel the Leviathan Strange and Strange Books emporium might be better served introduced in the fog section, just for thematic tone. And I wonder if the opening statement (the sentence seems too short for me) might work better if : "Bill Rogers thinks London fog is like..."
Do we find out who this voice-from-above narrator is if we're not inferring it's the three men named? It might be an idea (if it is an actual person) to furnish the reader with some reference to the narrator's identity before this section.
I don't have a problem with present tense, or narration (just second person, present), which is why I think really this'll come down to reader preference.
Is this from the same WIP you sent me a short passage of last month?
