Do These Characters Appear Drunk?

[Lafayette]

I'm having a little trouble with this scene with two drunks having a conversation. Is it believable to you? How can I make it better? Are there any authors that write convincing drunken dialog?


Interlude 1​

In a room with deep, looming massive shadows, two drunken men, one tall one short, leered with blood-shot eyes at the images of the hoverball. The figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.

“Damn it! Damn it! What ‘as happened to the images, wizard?” roared the white-haired man, throwing a whiskey bottle at the hoverball, thus breaking its glass-like shell. “I don’t see anything including that beer guzzling bitch.”

“Unfortunately, my lord,” hiccupped the man in brown, “my spies have all died,”

“That I caaan see, mage, lisped the tall man. “Thanks to that Timberman and that red-haired boy.”

“What I can’t see,” hicced the short man, “my lord, is why you’re show upset?”

“The Vanadon bitch is there, that’s what,” snapped the tall man belching. “What is she doing there?”

“Vadoorah, being there is merely a co-incidence,” purred the mage. “You heard her say she only sought the Olden One for a cure for her cancer. She knows nothing of the object or of magic. You should be elated that she will soon die of her plague.”

“True. True. But now she has allies, a development that gives me discomfort.”

“It shouldn’t, my lord, you do not need to worry,” the small man smiled with cloudy eyes. “The Timbermen are scorn by all Shannamir and this one is no exception. He will fail in his endeavors to help. Vadoorah will do nothing as long as you hold her daughter captive. As for this small band of men-at-arms, they are nothing to your grand army.”

For a moment, the tall one swayed as he contemplated, “You’re correct. They will do her no good, especially when one of them is an unarmed craven fat man. And besides, we heard her and the Timberman say they are lost and don’t know how to get back to Shannamir.” The tall one laughed. “We can thank the redheaded killer for that. If he spared one Ord, they would have talked.” Sighing, he added, “It’s almost too bad, for I would have loved to match blades with the punk.”

 

[tinkerdan]

When asking this question:
I'd remove the --two drunken men--from the first line.
That way we might get a good look at it without prejudicing the reader from the get go.

 

[HareBrain]

“It shouldn’t, my lord, you do not need to worry,”

This is the bit that most feels authentically drunk, because the speaker starts something, realises he doesn't quite know where it's going and his wits are too fogged to rescue it, and starts again. Some of your sentences feel a bit long and coherent to be credible.

Tad Williams, in The Dragonbone Chair, has a drunken character, Towser (at about the 75% mark I think) whose speech I thought very well-observed. But making your own observations, next time the opportunity arises, would be just as good.

 

[alexvss]

The white-haired man was convincing; but not the other one. I think it’s because the latter seemed too calm, and I think that’s in part because he wasn’t screaming like the other.

Two authors that do this in a convincing way are Robert Howard and Fritz Leiber. In the scenes, the characters are crazy drunk, yelling in every sentence. Fafhrd and mouser keep screaming at each other, and at others. The dialogue tags present actions like, “he said, after drinking from the jug”. You only did that in the first line. Also, provocations. Drinking gives a man stupid courage. When Conan enters a tavern, the drunken men are not afraid of calling him names, despite his massive size and all.

Instead of using elongated words, like “caaaaan”, I believe it’s more realistic to contract the words.

 

[HareBrain]

Alcohol tends to liberate true character, though, not change it. The short man is a mage. That suggests someone who is intellectual rather than physical, and very well-controlled. I don't see that he would get very loud under the influence unless something else was compelling him to be so. (Though this might depend on his age, which we're not told.)

 

[Toby Frost]

I find this quite hard to answer because they seem to be talking in that slightly stilted “ye olde” style that’s used in a lot of fantasy novels. Overall, the mage doesn’t sound very drunk to me, either in terms of what he’s saying and how he’s saying it, but the tall chap does. Of course different people get drunk in different ways, so perhaps it’s an idea to work out how these particular guys would be: one might be loud and loutish, the other obsessive and determined (“No, listen, what you’ve got to see is…”). They seem to be having quite a strategic conversation for two drunkards: I wonder why they wouldn’t have this conversation sober, since it seems important? “Purred” suggests a very smooth way of speaking that doesn’t feel drunken: would “slurred” work better?

 

[AllanR]

The dialogue tags hiccupped, lisped, hicced, snapped, purred.... feel to overhanded too me. There is only two people talking, most of the time you don't need the tag.
If one of them (or both) is a regular drunk, a common element can be regular repetition. i.e. "What is she doing there? What is she doing there!"

 

[Phyrebrat]

If it’s in omni — which is what it appears to be — you can refer literally to their drunkenness.

Something like this I’d prefer telling over showing. Drunks in stories are often on a par with phonetic writing of idioms and accents for me. Irritating.

With this in mind I’d opt for the quickest way to get the info across, and allow your drunks to be a little less sloppy (which helps as a contrivance for the reader).

 

[tinkerdan]

A further thought in a method to help you consciously convey what you want.
As mentioned before remove the line that explicitly says they are drunk.
Then write the scene and include the clues of drunkenness but never have the narrator explicitly call out the drunkenness.
You can allow a character to point it out; however the narrative should convey the thought without explicitly mentioning drunkenness.
Once you are satisfied with that, then you can give it to someone as a test to see if they think you are conveying the thought that they are drunk.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I am not getting a feeling of drunkenness and feel that the dialog tags are being overused to the point of distraction. Consider describing the characters' actions to show their drunkenness. The first character seems to be an angry drunk, as he threw a bottle, but later he is purring. Are the characters standing or sitting? Are their movements clumsy? Do they stumble or knock things over?

I also felt confused as to the number of characters as the character descriptions were embedded in the dialog tags. The characters were described as tall and short, then a wizard and a white haired man, then a man in brown and a mage. Give the full descriptions up front and avoid throwing in additional description during the discourse. As a reader, I do not know whether to focus on the discussion or the descriptions.

There were also a lot of names and terms thrown at the reader in a short amount of time. If these have all been previously revealed, then this would not be a problem. If this is the reader's first introduction to them, I feel this could be information overload.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I agree with not telling the reader that they drunk; best to show it.

throwing a whiskey bottle

could be

throwing an empty whiskey bottle

to suggest that he's drunk it.

I'd suggest 'glazed' eyes instead of 'glassy', and with 'why you're show upset' I assume that you are indicating a slurring of speech? It's probably better not to confuse the reader, so perhaps rather than 'show upset' (with 'show being an actual word), choose 'so upshet'?

If you are looking for good examples of drunken speech, from memory I think that Terry Pratchett (usually with characters from the Night Watch), although an alternative is Shakespeare's Falstaff, who is a rather elegant (and likeable) man who seems to be in a semi-permanent inebriated state.

 

[Lafayette]

When asking this question:
I'd remove the --two drunken men--from the first line.
That way we might get a good look at it without prejudicing the reader from the get go.

Another case of telling instead of showing. I should know better by now. Thanks.

 

[Lafayette]

This is the bit that most feels authentically drunk, because the speaker starts something, realises he doesn't quite know where it's going and his wits are too fogged to rescue it, and starts again.

I didn't think of fogginess of thought. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I will use it.

Some of your sentences feel a bit long and coherent to be credible.

I will look into it. I did wonder about it.

Tad Williams, in The Dragonbone Chair, has a drunken character, Towser (at about the 75% mark I think) whose speech I thought very well-observed. But making your own observations, next time the opportunity arises, would be just as go

Unfortunately, I don't have access to it. Thanks anyway.

 

[Lafayette]

The white-haired man was convincing; but not the other one. I think it’s because the latter seemed too calm, and I think that’s in part because he wasn’t screaming like the other.

The shorter one is calmer by nature and not just because the white-haired man is his lord, but I want him to show some drunkenness. Both men are drinking buddies and in a sense bonded. In this scene they are not meant to be violent or crazy drunk just obnoxious.


Instead of using elongated words, like “caaaaan”, I believe it’s more realistic to contract the words.

Okay, that idea didn't work.

 

[Lafayette]

With this in mind I’d opt for the quickest way to get the info across, and allow your drunks to be a little less sloppy (which helps as a contriv

With this in mind I’d opt for the quickest way to get the info across, and allow your drunks to be a little less sloppy (which helps as a contrivance for the reader).

A little sloppy drunk, but not rip roaring drunk.

 

[Lafayette]

A further thought in a method to help you consciously convey what you want.
As mentioned before remove the line that explicitly says they are drunk.
Then write the scene and include the clues of drunkenness but never have the narrator explicitly call out the drunkenness.
You can allow a character to point it out; however the narrative should convey the thought without explicitly mentioning drunkenness.
Once you are satisfied with that, then you can give it to someone as a test to see if they think you are conveying the thought that they are drunk.

Okay, I'll work on hinting instead of telling.

 

[Lafayette]

I agree with not telling the reader that they drunk; best to show it.

throwing a whiskey bottle

could be

throwing an empty whiskey bottle

I like that.

to suggest that he's drunk it.

I'd suggest 'glazed' eyes instead of 'glassy',

Glazed is a better word.

and with 'why you're show upset' I assume that you are indicating a slurring of speech? It's probably better not to confuse the reader, so perhaps rather than 'show upset' (with 'show being an actual word), choose 'so upshet'?

Yes, I was trying to display slurring of speech. I will employ upshet. Thanks.

 

[Lafayette]

Are the characters standing or sitting? Are their movements clumsy? Do they stumble or knock things over?

Okay, more body movement.

I also felt confused as to the number of characters as the character descriptions were embedded in the dialog tags. The characters were described as tall and short, then a wizard and a white haired man, then a man in brown and a mage.

I was trying to avoid being redundant by not saying 'white-haired man' all the time. I thought variety was needed.

Give the full descriptions up front and avoid throwing in additional description during the discourse. As a reader, I do not know whether to focus on the discussion or the descriptions.

I'll think about this. I just don't to be guilty of info dump.

There were also a lot of names and terms thrown at the reader in a short amount of time. If these have all been previously revealed, then this would not be a problem. If this is the reader's first introduction to them, I feel this could be information overload.

The two men are responding to what went on in previous chapters and to characters they haven't encountered yet.

 

[Lafayette]

I find this quite hard to answer because they seem to be talking in that slightly stilted “ye olde” style that’s used in a lot of fantasy novels.

Really? That isn't my intention.

Overall, the mage doesn’t sound very drunk to me, either in terms of what he’s saying and how he’s saying it, but the tall chap does.

Looks like I'll have to work on the mage some more.

Of course different people get drunk in different ways,

That is so true. They also go through different stages. I knew one guy that would start out silly and as time progress he would become obnoxious.

They seem to be having quite a strategic conversation for two drunkards: I wonder why they wouldn’t have this conversation sober, since it seems important?

The events that come upon the two are unexpected. It like us having one too many while watching television and the news comes on announcing that the government has raised the tax on spitting to 75%.

“Purred” suggests a very smooth way of speaking that doesn’t feel drunken: would “slurred” work better?

'Slurred' sounds better.

 

[SurrealSisyphus]

There is a heavy emphasis on the sound of drunkenness but I believe that, as Wayne Mack said, that giving more to see that they're drunk: The motions, alcohol around them, and physical quirks would go far as well as detailing scent of the room. To really write a convincing intoxicated character I think it would also be to your benefit to address lulls in their speech and a general lack of coherency. That said even without the first statement that they're drunk I could glean the drunkenness. I just think the repetition and focus on the 'sounding drunk' aspect made it a bit heavy-handed.