Something new

[Dan Jones]

I think this is some of your best stuff, Jo. Really clear and bright and clean. O can see the TV adaptation already with a grumpy Ian McElhinney as Jim. Keep going, girl.

By the way , I loved the Pointless intro! (And I would've picked Lisburn )

 

[HareBrain]

This didn't quite work for me I'm afraid, and I'm a bit pressed to figure out why. (Helpful, I know.) I think it feels a bit aimless, until the baby is found. I think you need a hook before that point, and it should be Jim as a character, but for me you're not quite there yet. Maybe you're trying to get across his whole life too much, including his past and his surroundings, in too short a space, when you should give him more room to breathe and just be himself. (Some of his thoughts feel a bit "Aha! I can fit that in here", but that might just be my experience of my own writing.) Maybe expand on his relationship with Snoops, maybe have him talk to the dog more, hint at the fact that he does this because there's no one else to talk to. A few more tiny, incisive details would help. He notices there's only two tins of beans left in the cupboard and that makes him anxious because of the time the local shop ran out, that sort of thing.

If you keep the Pointless opening, I agree it should be made clearer what it is.

That's all just my opinion of course, and it's hugely in the minority, so feel free to ritually burn it.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

This didn't quite work for me I'm afraid, and I'm a bit pressed to figure out why. (Helpful, I know.) I think it feels a bit aimless, until the baby is found. I think you need a hook before that point, and it should be Jim as a character, but for me you're not quite there yet. Maybe you're trying to get across his whole life too much, including his past and his surroundings, in too short a space, when you should give him more room to breathe and just be himself. (Some of his thoughts feel a bit "Aha! I can fit that in here", but that might just be my experience of my own writing.) Maybe expand on his relationship with Snoops, maybe have him talk to the dog more, hint at the fact that he does this because there's no one else to talk to. A few more tiny, incisive details would help. He notices there's only two tins of beans left in the cupboard and that makes him anxious because of the time the local shop ran out, that sort of thing.

If you keep the Pointless opening, I agree it should be made clearer what it is.

That's all just my opinion of course, and it's hugely in the minority, so feel free to ritually burn it.

There's always one... there is a bit of that going on, of course, slotting things in. I'm not sure how much more of the everyday I want to add in, for fear of delaying the hook even more, but I'll see if I can loosen up his voice a little.

 

[HareBrain]

I'm not sure how much more of the everyday I want to add in, for fear of delaying the hook even more

If the character and his voice were a hook, you wouldn't be delaying it, but advancing it.

Anyway, you're probably best off coming back to it when you've lived with Jim for a whole book and you can judge if you've captured what you want of him here.

 

[Swank]

The answers came up. Liverpool. Well, it was never going to be that. Lincoln. He wasn’t even sure that was a city. And London, with a giggled admission that the two contestants didn’t know any other cities starting with L. He watched the three rejected answers. The lowest was Lincoln – a city, he’d learned something new today and that showed he was still alive. Sure enough, there was Lisburn. Pointless. And Londonderry, if he’d had thought of it. Alexander Armstrong wished everyone goodbye, as he always did, following the formula: the same things said, in the same order. Already Snoops was getting up, trying to herd Jim as he would any sheep.

I found this confusing. It probably isn't important, but I can't tell if Lisburn is the correct answer or another one of the wrong guesses. Maybe it makes sense to someone who has seen the show the scene is modeled after? But my confusion interrupted the reading.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Here we go. Poor Alexander Armstrong; how the mighty are... eradicated.

The TV droned in the corner, as it had done all day, not watched but a constant hum of voices that made the house seem less empty.

“A UK city beginning with L,” said the presenter, looking for the lowest possible answer.

Jim absently rubbed Snoops’ ears, in the spot where the collie liked. “Lisburn.” Snoops cocked his head, and Jim nodded sagely. It was down to this, talking to the dog. “Always go for a Northern Ireland answer. They’re always pointless.”

He watched the three answers. The lowest was Lincoln – a city, he’d learned something new today and that showed he was still alive. Sure enough, there was Lisburn. Pointless. And Londonderry, if he’d had thought of it. The end music came up and already Snoops was getting up, trying to herd Jim as he would any sheep.

 

[Parson]

I like this much better. I really felt like Jim comes alive in with lines like "it was down to this." I wasn't, and don't think would have been, confused about location, that was much clearer. But I'm not sure the first line does anything for your story except be clever. I'd drop it and start with "The TV droned in the corner...".

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I found this confusing. It probably isn't important, but I can't tell if Lisburn is the correct answer or another one of the wrong guesses. Maybe it makes sense to someone who has seen the show the scene is modeled after? But my confusion interrupted the reading.

It’s the fault of the rules of Pointless. Convoluted and awkward to describe. But I can’t think of another quiz where knowing the Northern Irish answer gives you the win each time (no one ever knows anything about us!)

I want to keep it - it’s a very (NI) thing to do, win by the back door, and it tells readers where the book is set - but I can play with it some more (without inflicting everyone here further!)

 

[msstice]

Here we go. Poor Alexander Armstrong; how the mighty are... eradicated.

The TV droned in the corner, as it had done all day, not watched but a constant hum of voices that made the house seem less empty.

“A UK city beginning with L,” said the presenter, looking for the lowest possible answer.

Jim absently rubbed Snoops’ ears, in the spot where the collie liked. “Lisburn.” Snoops cocked his head, and Jim nodded sagely. It was down to this, talking to the dog. “Always go for a Northern Ireland answer. They’re always pointless.”

He watched the three answers. The lowest was Lincoln – a city, he’d learned something new today and that showed he was still alive. Sure enough, there was Lisburn. Pointless. And Londonderry, if he’d had thought of it. The end music came up and already Snoops was getting up, trying to herd Jim as he would any sheep.

I feel a little bad now. After reading the whole thread it almost feels like we bullied you into losing a bit of your voice.

IMO it isn't _bad_ that you confused me into thinking there was a lot more going on than there was - it's a bit like one of those movies where they start with a party and gaiety and then zoom out and it's old man Codger watching TV.

You can confuse me at the start, as long as you make clear he switches off the telly and then it's just him and Snoop and I get that full let down so now I'm as depressed as Codger.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I feel a little bad now. After reading the whole thread it almost feels like we bullied you into losing a bit of your voice.

IMO it isn't _bad_ that you confused me into thinking there was a lot more going on than there was - it's a bit like one of those movies where they start with a party and gaiety and then zoom out and it's old man Codger watching TV.

You can confuse me at the start, as long as you make clear he switches off the telly and then it's just him and Snoop and I get that full let down so now I'm as depressed as Codger.

It’s cool. It will probably change many times before it comes out, and whether good or rubbish it will have my voice, for sure

 

[Swank]

Here we go. Poor Alexander Armstrong; how the mighty are... eradicated.

I'm in the US, so my knowledge of un-syndicated UK media is limited. So the format of Pointless is as remote for me as the inside jokes on the Jason show would be to you. But Americans might not be your base, so it doesn't matter?

He paused on the bridge, waiting for Snoops to make his way to him, the nightly walk just as familiar, as much as a ritual, as anything Alexander Armstrong could say.

Jim stepped past the dog and stooped down, pushing the long grass and brambles back and there, in the glen, under a tangled bower of ivy, lay a baby, wrapped in a single white sheet, its hands balled up in fury.

Small niggle - these sentences are so divided up by commas that it is difficult to follow what the core idea of the sentence is. I can't tell if they fail to be grammatical, but they are busy and resist reading (to my eyes).

Otherwise, a nice piece.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm in the US, so my knowledge of un-syndicated UK media is limited. So the format of Pointless is as remote for me as the inside jokes on the Jason show would be to you. But Americans might not be your base, so it doesn't matter?



Small niggle - these sentences are so divided up by commas that it is difficult to follow what the core idea of the sentence is. I can't tell if they fail to be grammatical, but they are busy and resist reading (to my eyes).

Otherwise, a nice piece.

In this one, for the first time, I am unashamedly targeting the Irish market and so its conventions will lead. I sell very little outside the U.K. anyhow.
Clunky commas. I’ll nuke. My grammar is always a bit dodgy. I now call it my voice and get away with it more

 

[THX1138]

Jo, I enjoyed it myself. The beginning of the story showed the meandering thoughts of the MC due to the boring, repetitive life where he lives. And you show this on his walk. It's always the same and nothing changes. And I could tell you are going for the Irish market. (Enough time on chrons to pick up on Irish Si Fi/Fantasy style of writing. )

But I was starting to lose interest halfway through because of the emphases on the Just another boring day narrative. I found the time spent on the walk just a bit long.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Sorry, existentialist editing fear incoming. I'm working through the second chapter editing. This is a really slow, reflective story (one would nearly say literary) about grief and belief and community. It's not gung ho*. Does this opening set that up?

*This is terrifying for me. I normally go at a million miles an hour. Think Claire Keegan-esque in pace and detail.

 

[HareBrain]

This is a really slow, reflective story (one would nearly say literary) about grief and belief and community. It's not gung ho*. Does this opening set that up?

That's the kind of story I felt would follow naturally from it, but (as in my earlier crit) I didn't think it was quite there yet.

Often I think people start stories too early, but here I think you might have started it too late, and need something else to set up the themes before the kid is found.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

That's the kind of story I felt would follow naturally from it, but (as in my earlier crit) I didn't think it was quite there yet.

Often I think people start stories too early, but here I think you might have started it too late, and need something else to set up the themes before the kid is found.

I think, once I know the story, I'll know what needs to be told first. I hope. I hate beginnings. And phew.

 

[Danny McG]

Ok Jo
Sorry but I started zoning out while reading the description of the glen and where his house was situated - it could do with a bit of trimming.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Ok Jo
Sorry but I started zoning out while reading the description of the glen and where his house was situated - it could do with a bit of trimming.

I've trimmed a bit. I think I was worried people would get lost with what was what and where was where.

 

[Toby Frost]

Very briefly, the writing is good, especially the descriptions, but I agree that it will need a bit of trimming. However, I'd expect that from the usual editing process. I think it improves once Jim is outdoors, when I got quite a strong mental image, and to be honest I found the early references to Pointless and Northern Ireland to be a bit forced (they wouldn't be if they were included later on). I do think that the Pointless reference will date and will confuse future generations!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Coming back to this I am trying to decide if something like:

It was just at the end of the evening walk, right beside the second waterfall, when Snoops found the baby lying in the glen, under a bower of ivy


and then describe the glen on the way down?
(I’m editing chapter 4 at the mo, in case anyone thinks I’ve just got stuck here and not moved on - and pacing is a little slow for my liking, but my pacing is often too quick)