The Earthers Must Die

[CultureCitizen]

The Earthers Must Die - Part 1 of 6



This tale is dedicated to the memory of Scottish writer Iain Menzies Banks, creator of the utopic society of named the Culture.


2056 - Base Olympos, Mars

Alena reviewed the latest tissue sample with a slight smile of hope: it didn't have the slightest sign of cancer.

"What did I do differently this time?" she wondered.

She introduced the rest of the tests into the sequencer while taking that sample to her work table. The result intrigued her. The other two hundred samples showed signs of cancer to a greater or lesser extent, but this one was completely free. She took a few cells from the culture and observed them under the microscope. The cells were perfectly healthy, too healthy: she had forced their mitosis cycle to replicate a hundred times faster, but the organelles seemed much younger.

"Gene, can you review the recording and tell me exactly what I did to this sample?"

Gene was the laboratory's AI/robot. It controlled four mechanical arms that emerged from the ceiling and two quadcopters with which it could perform minor tasks. Technically, it could repeat the entire testing cycle autonomously, but Alena liked to prepare the samples personally. Fifteen seconds later, the computer responded.

"Alena, you forgot to introduce the oncovirus into the sample. It's no wonder the cells didn't produce any tumors."

Alena twisted her mouth into a look of disgust and looked at the tissue again, still intrigued by the appearance of the cells. Gene emitted a soft murmur, a signal that he had a comment to add, but that might be uncomfortable for his interlocutor.

"Anything else you want to add Gene?"

"Alena, I'm sure that if you had let me prepare the samples this error would not have occurred."

Alena sighed. Working with Gene was frustrating: he could do everything better than her, and usually in a fraction of the time. On the other hand, she would never have been able to bring her research to that point without his help: Gene was an tireless, efficient and to some extent creative assistant.

"Can you tell me what the result of the other samples was?"

"With pleasure: Tests 43 and 94 are the ones with the least tumor advancement. However, the cells of sample 43 show a noticeable deterioration, which I find intriguing. I will file that sample for a later study. The other sample seems promising... extrapolating the results we obtained, it could translate into five more years of life for people with gallbladder cancer. Very encouraging, given that they usually don't live more than six months."

"I expected a better result."

"It's a pretty good achievement. It's possible that the treatment will be much cheaper than the treatments available on Earth."

"Do you want me to perform any other tests during the night?"

"No, Gene, I'm tired and I can't think of anything else. I'll review the results calmly tomorrow."

She left the laboratory, closed the door and pressed the shut-off button that prevented the AI from continuing to perform tasks on its own in the laboratory. She then went through the full-body scanner before being able to exit to the main hallway on the floor. She walked the distance to the elevator by taking long leaps of four meters. She had been on Mars for three years and still enjoyed taking advantage of the low gravity. The older colonists thought it was a somewhat childish and tasteless gesture, an attitude that could only be explained as envy: the first colonists had lost much of their muscle mass and it was impossible for them to jump that way.

She descended five floors to the ground floor, left the genetic research building and put on her archaic extended reality lenses. Almost all of her friends had already gone to bed. Only Renan was still working in the AI laboratory.

Somewhat frustrated, Alena looked at her watch, it was late: ten thirty. She stored the shell containing the virus-free sample in the refrigerator to continue analyzing it tomorrow. Then she organized the equipment on her work table and turned off the main light in the laboratory.

"Do you have time to go to dinner?" she subvocalized.

"I don't know ... what do retro girls from Earth eat?"

"Roasted beef on a bonfire."

Renan sent her several horrified face emojis.

"Even if you have enough pergs to buy a cow, I don't think Tharsis will let you start a bonfire ... oxygen and trees are a highly valuable resource here."

"I'll have to settle for vat-cultivated meat."

"That's more acceptable. Where and at what time do we meet?"

"In Marajó in half an hour. Before I want to swim for a while, the back pain is killing me," said Alena.

"Marajó? Martian-Brazilian skewers? Is that what you're craving or are you doing it to please me?" asked Renan.

"Both," Alena replied.

Alena walked to the south shore of the park. Only five people were swimming in the immense Olympic pool. She took a towel from the automatic dispenser, undressed and left her clothes on a sun lounger. She climbed the diving board, ran to the tip and jumped with all her might. She rose two meters and turned before diving into the water.

She took four laps swimming on her back and two swimming freestyle. When she got out, she found Renan lying on one of the sun loungers. She took a towel and covered herself with it while wringing out her hair.

"I thought we would meet in Marajó," said Renan.

"And miss out on those curves? Not in my dreams," replied Alena.

Alena finished drying herself and dressed without Renan taking his eyes off her.

"Let's go," Renan said as he got up from the sun lounger. "I'm starving."

They walked in silence to the restaurant. Alena looked at the dome that covered the park fifty meters above them. The triple layer of plastic and the two meters of water trapped between the two lower layers did not allow them to see the stars. She felt nostalgic for the Earth's sky.

When they arrived at the restaurant, Renan walked directly to an interior table.

"I like to sit outside," Alena protested.

"There's a rain programmed in half an hour," warned Renan.

"Yes, it's okay, I like the rain," Alena said.

[1] *Perg – Peta Erg, the martian currency equivalent to 23,884 Kilocalories. A Mars colonist receives at least 18 Pergs per work day, roughly equivalent to 50 USD in 2023.

 

[msstice]

Overall comments: I realize you are world building, but it was a tad slow for me. The start primes me for something (Scientist, works on cancer, worried about being replaced by a robot) but then the story relapses into a tension free description of regular life/routine. I would find it more effective if you took the hook you started with (the cancer research, the AI) and weaved it into the rest of the description.

"It's a pretty good achievement. It's possible that the treatment will be much cheaper than the treatments available on Earth."

"Do you want me to perform any other tests during the night?"

The use of separate paragraphs made me lose who was speaking and confused me. I think this does not need two paras, and if you want to split the sentences anyway, you should leave out the closing quote of the first line to indicate no change of speaker.

Alena walked to the south shore of the park. Only five people were swimming in the immense Olympic pool. She took a towel from the automatic dispenser, undressed and left her clothes on a sun lounger. She climbed the diving board, ran to the tip and jumped with all her might. She rose two meters and turned before diving into the water.

If it helps, it is about this point I started to skim, trying to find where the story picked up again.

Keep writing!

 

[CultureCitizen]

Overall comments: I realize you are world building, but it was a tad slow for me. The start primes me for something (Scientist, works on cancer, worried about being replaced by a robot) but then the story relapses into a tension free description of regular life/routine. I would find it more effective if you took the hook you started with (the cancer research, the AI) and weaved it into the rest of the description.


The use of separate paragraphs made me lose who was speaking and confused me. I think this does not need two paras, and if you want to split the sentences anyway, you should leave out the closing quote of the first line to indicate no change of speaker.


If it helps, it is about this point I started to skim, trying to find where the story picked up again.

Keep writing!

Sorry about the formatting, I am just getting used to the forum's formatting and since there is no indentation I decided to keep the extra spaces.
I will keep dialogues together in the next post.

 

[tinkerdan]

I thought most of this was quite well written with little to complain about.
However.. This...

She descended five floors to the ground floor, left the genetic research building and put on her archaic extended reality lenses. Almost all of her friends had already gone to bed. Only Renan was still working in the AI laboratory.

Somewhat frustrated, Alena looked at her watch, it was late: ten thirty. She stored the shell containing the virus-free sample in the refrigerator to continue analyzing it tomorrow. Then she organized the equipment on her work table and turned off the main light in the laboratory.

Before this you have her leave the lab and go through a scan check to get out of the special hallway and then going to the ground floor and from how this reads she has left the building. Then all of sudden she is putting the sample into the refrigerator and turning the light off in the lab. Did she or did she not leave the lab--did she or did she not leave the building. And how did she get that sample past the scan check; or is the scan check for something else.

 

[The Judge]

Sorry about the formatting, I am just getting used to the forum's formatting and since there is no indentation I decided to keep the extra spaces.
I will keep dialogues together in the next post.

I think you may have misunderstood msstice (or I've misunderstood your comment...). The formatting you've done for the dialogue is fine, with the line's space between paragraphs showing the different speakers. The problem with the couple of lines msstice picked up, though, is that they're by the same speaker -- or so it appears -- and as a result should not have been split into separate paragraphs, but continued in the same para. On the odd occasion you have a long speech from someone that needs to be split into separate paras, then you don't put the closing quotation marks at the end of the first one. ie

"Blah, blah, blah," she said at inordinate length. "Blah. [no closing quote mark]​

​

"Blah, blah, blah." [closing quote mark to show she's finished now]​

As to the extract as a whole, I had the same problem as msstice in that I thought it started well in the lab, but then I started skimming at the chummy back-and-forth with Renan (perhaps make it clear he's male earlier on, by the way). Even in a novel I'd be impatient with nothing much happening in the first 1000 words, and in a short story it's imperative that every word counts, so I'd suggest you think carefully as to whether any of the end stuff is actually necessary.


Some specific points:

"What did I do differently this time?" she wondered.

Out loud?? If so, why doesn't Gene answer? If not, the thought would be best shown as italics without the quotes.

Gene was the laboratory's AI/robot. It controlled four mechanical arms that emerged from the ceiling and two quadcopters with which it could perform minor tasks.

This is very tell-y. I'd suggest you delete this and instead start with something like "The lab's AI took fifteen seconds to respond." which lets us know what Gene is without you needing to say it in so many words. And here you're using "it" for Gene, but later it's "he" -- best to be consistent.

Technically, it could repeat the entire testing cycle autonomously, but Alena liked to prepare the samples personally.

Why "Technically"? Seems a wrong choice of words. Ditto "repeat" -- surely it wouldn't be repeating the cycle, but carrying it out.

his interlocutor.

A word Gene might use but comes awkward in her POV.

"Anything else you want to add Gene?"

Comma needed before "Gene".

Alena sighed. Working with Gene was frustrating: he could do everything better than her, and usually in a fraction of the time. On the other hand, she would never have been able to bring her research to that point without his help:

Why frustrating if he's better? Perhaps bring down from above that she preferred to do things herself and explain why. In any event, I'd suggest not "On the other hand" as that makes it appear that doing everything better than her is counterpointed by Gene's efficiency, when actually it's on the same side of the equation.

being able to exit to the main hallway on the floor.

"On the floor"? Is it missing "below"?

and put on her archaic extended reality lenses. Almost all of her friends had already gone to bed.

This read as a non sequitur since I had no idea what "extended reality lenses" were, so if they enable her to know the friends had gone to bed, it might be worth explaining as much ie "They told her that..." Otherwise I'd suggest separating the two ideas.

Somewhat frustrated, Alena looked at her watch, it was late: ten thirty.

You had "frustrating" above, so unless you're making a point about her, best to choose another adjective. But why should she be frustrated if she knows it's late?

She stored the shell containing the virus-free sample in the refrigerator to continue analyzing it tomorrow. Then she organized the equipment on her work table and turned off the main light in the laboratory.

But she's left the building, so where is she now, with a fridge and work table? Has she turned off the light in Renan's AI lab??

I don't think Tharsis will let you start a bonfire ... oxygen and trees are a highly valuable resource here."

This and the next line don't sound like banter, but as you as author force-feeding us some worldbuilding. I'd suggest dumping it.

"In Marajó in half an hour. Before I want to swim for a while, the back pain is killing me," said Alena.

At the very least a comma needed after "Before" but better as eg "Before then" or "Beforehand". And if she's suffering back pain, how was she able to make the long leaps without pain and/or why hasn't it been shown already eg rubbing her spine?

"Marajó? Martian-Brazilian skewers? Is that what you're craving or are you doing it to please me?" asked Renan.

"Both," Alena replied.

There's only the two of them so as you've given us "said Alena" in the previous line, giving their names again is otiose and borderline irritating.

"I thought we would meet in Marajó," said Renan.

"And miss out on those curves? Not in my dreams," replied Alena.

I'm pretty sure you've got those dialogue tags the wrong way round. And as I've noted above, the second one not needed.

Alena finished drying herself and dressed without Renan taking his eyes off her.

Even if they're in a loving relationship, this sounds very pervy put in here like this.

Alena looked at the dome that covered the park fifty meters above them. The triple layer of plastic and the two meters of water trapped between the two lower layers did not allow them to see the stars. She felt nostalgic for the Earth's sky.

This sounds like you dumping world-building on us, not something arising naturally through the characters.

"There's a rain programmed in half an hour," warned Renan.

"Yes, it's okay, I like the rain," Alena said.

"a rain"?? And again, these dialogue tags not needed.


Overall, not a bad piece and certainly well worth continuing with it, but I'd recommend you dump practically everything after she leaves the lab, and move on more quickly with the story.

 

[CultureCitizen]

I thought most of this was quite well written with little to complain about.
However.. This...

Before this you have her leave the lab and go through a scan check to get out of the special hallway and then going to the ground floor and from how this reads she has left the building. Then all of sudden she is putting the sample into the refrigerator and turning the light off in the lab. Did she or did she not leave the lab--did she or did she not leave the building. And how did she get that sample past the scan check; or is the scan check for something else.

Thanks for pointing out this error.
This is actually a translation from my nattive language (spanish) , I did a lot of copy-paste-translate operations and this is, in all likelihood the result of pasting in the wrong spot, but, I'll check the original version to be sure.
Edit: .... yes , copy -paste errror. Thanks.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

I started typing about some of the technical errors, but I think TJ got most of them. But really, these little errors (like the swapped dialogue tags; said Renan / replied Alena) are really important because the reader trips over them and they become a huge distraction. Another example would be the utopic society of named the Culture. And leaving the laboratory and then apparently still being in the laboratory. And there are a few more.

As far as the story goes, I think it sounds intriguing. I'm not a reader who needs a dramatic hook in the first couple of lines - I'm generally ok for things to build more slowly, as they do here.

 

[CultureCitizen]

Those are a lot of points. I'll address only the points where I think your remarks would create a gap in the world-building, character-building, or the core of the story. The rest are editing mistakes which I must correct.
.

Somewhat frustrated, Alena looked at her watch, it was late: ten thirty.

You had "frustrating" above, so unless you're making a point about her, best to choose another adjective. But why should she be frustrated if she knows it's late?

Those two different frustrations
1) working with an AI that outperforms you in almost every task
2) working for months and having poor results in her research
That said, yes, a change of adjectives is sound advice.

I don't think Tharsis will let you start a bonfire ... oxygen and trees are a highly valuable resource here."

This and the next line don't sound like banter, but as you as author force-feeding us some worldbuilding. I'd suggest dumping it.

No sir, no dumping, this is actually quite important. It is a very important sentense:
- It gives a hint on Alena's playful character; she is teasing Renan ( Alena knows bonfires are not allowed)... and Renan plays along.
- It hints on how different are the cultures of Earth and Mars
- It is a foreshadowing of the end.

"Marajó? Martian-Brazilian skewers? Is that what you're craving or are you doing it to please me?" asked Renan.

"Both," Alena replied.

There's only the two of them so as you've given us "said Alena" in the previous line, giving their names again is otiose and borderline irritating.

"Both", Alena is simply saying she has a craving for the skewers and she is trying to please him, because he likes that restaurant.

Alena finished drying herself and dressed without Renan taking his eyes off her.

Even if they're in a loving relationship, this sounds very pervy put in here like this.
Yes it is, actually Renan is a womanizer. Alena and Renan feel mutual attraction, but she keeps her distance because she knows it.

Alena looked at the dome that covered the park fifty meters above them. The triple layer of plastic and the two meters of water trapped between the two lower layers did not allow them to see the stars. She felt nostalgic for the Earth's sky.

This sounds like you dumping world-building on us, not something arising naturally through the characters.
Yes, I am. But then I still have to explain why Alena feels nostalgic for Earth's sky and why she can't see the stars ( in spite of the thin Martian atmosphere). Again, I have to point out the differences between living in a Martian cutting-edge colony and Earth.

 

[The Judge]

Just to clarify these issues as I've perhaps not made myself clear initially.

You had "frustrating" above, so unless you're making a point about her, best to choose another adjective. But why should she be frustrated if she knows it's late?

Those two different frustrations
1) working with an AI that outperforms you in almost every task
2) working for months and having poor results in her research

As far as her work is concerned, certainly point (2) is understandable, but I don't think frustration is the right word for being outperformed by an AI -- personally, I'd be irritated and annoyed, but "frustration" suggests there's something in her way, or she's unable to move forward, which fits (2) but not (1) so well, to my mind.

But that comment of mine related to the line "Somewhat frustrated, Alena looked at her watch, it was late: ten thirty." which comes immediately after "Only Renan was still working in the AI laboratory." so the inference is she's frustrated that only Renan is awake -- it doesn't seem to have any relation to her work. If you mean that she's frustrated at her work, and wants to speak to someone and decompress, but only Renan is awake, then I think you need to spell it out.

This and the next line don't sound like banter, but as you as author force-feeding us some worldbuilding. I'd suggest dumping it.

No sir, no dumping, this is actually quite important. It is a very important sentense:
- It gives a hint on Alena's playful character; she is teasing Renan ( Alena knows bonfires are not allowed)... and Renan plays along.
- It hints on how different are the cultures of Earth and Mars
- It is a foreshadowing of the end.

In that case you need to make it sound more like banter, because at the moment -- for me, at least -- it isn't working. It wouldn't take much; just exaggerate things a little eg

"Even if you'd managed to wangle enough pergs to buy a cow, somehow I don't think Tharsis would be happy at you starting a fire. You might not have noticed, but oxygen and trees are something of a valuable resource here."​

​

"What? You mean I'll have to settle for vat-cultivated meat yet again?"​

Perhaps also have her giggle, to make it clear she's joking.

There's only the two of them so as you've given us "said Alena" in the previous line, giving their names again is otiose and borderline irritating.

"Both", Alena is simply saying she has a craving for the skewers and she is trying to please him, because he likes that restaurant.

A misunderstanding I think. I understood why she said what she did. The point I'm making is that the dialogue tags aren't needed. ie it should read:

"In Marajó in half an hour. Before I want to swim for a while, the back pain is killing me," said Alena. [the "said Alena" is fine here]​

"Marajó? Martian-Brazilian skewers? Is that what you're craving or are you doing it to please me?" [no dialogue tag here as we know it must be Renan speaking]​

"Both." [again no dialogue tag here as we know it must be Alena speaking]​

If you have a long conversation between two people, there's no need for "said X" repeatedly -- name one or other of them perhaps after five or six lines, so people can keep up with who is speaking, but no more than that.

Even if they're in a loving relationship, this sounds very pervy put in here like this.
Yes it is, actually Renan is a womanizer. Alena and Renan feel mutual attraction, but she keeps her distance because she knows it.

Then show us what she feels about it. Is she uncomfortable by his gaze? Does she find it erotic? Make it important to the characterisation.

This sounds like you dumping world-building on us, not something arising naturally through the characters.
Yes, I am. But then I still have to explain why Alena feels nostalgic for Earth's sky and why she can't see the stars ( in spite of the thin Martian atmosphere). Again, I have to point out the differences between living in a Martian cutting-edge colony and Earth.

Well, no you don't have to explain her nostalgia, nor point out differences, not unless they're plot points. Readers don't need nearly as much worldbuilding as we want to throw at them! If you think it will help with characterisation, or something here is a plot point, then you need to incorporate it better into the scene, so it feels natural for her to look up at the dome and think about how it's constructed despite the fact she's been there for some time and she knows full well she won't see the stars. Don't tell us she's nostalgic -- show us, and let us feel her loss. For that I think you need to get into her head more. Actually, thinking about it, that's true for the whole scene. At present you're giving us a TV view of her from outside. Get closer and we'll be invested in her problems.


Incidentally, I hadn't appreciated English isn't your first language, so I can quite understand how misunderstandings arise. Trying to writing in a foreign language is always going to be difficult, so all kudos to you for doing it.

And good luck with the story!

 

[CultureCitizen]

Well, no you don't have to explain her nostalgia, nor point out differences, not unless they're plot points. Readers don't need nearly as much worldbuilding as we want to throw at them! If you think it will help with characterisation, or something here is a plot point, then you need to incorporate it better into the scene, so it feels natural for her to look up at the dome and think about how it's constructed despite the fact she's been there for some time and she knows full well she won't see the stars. Don't tell us she's nostalgic -- show us, and let us feel her loss. For that I think you need to get into her head more. Actually, thinking about it, that's true for the whole scene. At present you're giving us a TV view of her from outside. Get closer and we'll be invested in her problems.


Incidentally, I hadn't appreciated English isn't your first language, so I can quite understand how misunderstandings arise. Trying to writing in a foreign language is always going to be difficult, so all kudos to you for doing it.

And good luck with the story!

The world-building and the cultural differences are important for the plot in a subtle way. When I have posted the last part we can discuss if it is really necessary or not to make a description of Mars and its culture.
It is a short story, not a novel, so part of the world-building has to skip the show don't tell rule.
Cultural note: in Spanish we use long dashes for dialogue ( with a rather convoluted syntax) and quotes for thoughts. We don't really use italics.

 

[Yozh]

1. Overall, I like this and think you have a good set-up going for a story. Particularly the first part in the lab. As I reader I felt like I understood Alena's motivations, frustrations, and got a sense of her character and the setting. I like how you show her enjoying low-gravity "superstrength." I didn't think the world-building was too heavy, though you could probably refine the presentation.

2. The second half about the relationship with Renan needs more work, in my opinion. In the opening, we learn a lot about Alena's relationship with the AI Gene and what she thinks of him. In contrast, we learn almost nothing at all about Alena's relationship with Renan or what she thinks of him.

Here is the first mention of Renan:

She descended five floors to the ground floor, left the genetic research building and put on her archaic extended reality lenses. Almost all of her friends had already gone to bed. Only Renan was still working in the AI laboratory.

Somewhat frustrated, Alena looked at her watch, it was late: ten thirty.

All we know is that Renan is the name of the only friend who's not working, and that Alena is "somewhat frustrated." Is she frustrated because this is her least-favorite friend? Because she likes him but is too shy to tell him? Because she wants company but not Renan's? If so why?

You've written Alena pretty close in the opening paragraphs, so why back off now? Tell us how she really feels.

Then this next part when Renan shows up unexpectedly by the pool:

She took four laps swimming on her back and two swimming freestyle. When she got out, she found Renan lying on one of the sun loungers. She took a towel and covered herself with it while wringing out her hair.

"I thought we would meet in Marajó," said Renan.

"And miss out on those curves? Not in my dreams," replied Alena.

Alena finished drying herself and dressed without Renan taking his eyes off her.

This is written more from Renan's perspective than from Alena's.

How does Alena feel about him changing their plans and arriving early? How does she feel about the way he is watching her? We get none of her thoughts, or even facial expressions.

If the relationship is important to teh story, then you need to develop it more. If it's not, then cut it down or out.

 

[CultureCitizen]

1. Overall, I like this and think you have a good set-up going for a story. Particularly the first part in the lab. As I reader I felt like I understood Alena's motivations, frustrations, and got a sense of her character and the setting. I like how you show her enjoying low-gravity "superstrength." I didn't think the world-building was too heavy, though you could probably refine the presentation.

2. The second half about the relationship with Renan needs more work, in my opinion. In the opening, we learn a lot about Alena's relationship with the AI Gene and what she thinks of him. In contrast, we learn almost nothing at all about Alena's relationship with Renan or what she thinks of him.

Here is the first mention of Renan:



All we know is that Renan is the name of the only friend who's not working, and that Alena is "somewhat frustrated." Is she frustrated because this is her least-favorite friend? Because she likes him but is too shy to tell him? Because she wants company but not Renan's? If so why?

You've written Alena pretty close in the opening paragraphs, so why back off now? Tell us how she really feels.

Then this next part when Renan shows up unexpectedly by the pool:


This is written more from Renan's perspective than from Alena's.

How does Alena feel about him changing their plans and arriving early? How does she feel about the way he is watching her? We get none of her thoughts, or even facial expressions.

If the relationship is important to teh story, then you need to develop it more. If it's not, then cut it down or out.

The relationship is not that important... there is a bit more about it in the next 2 pages.
The story is written in third person omniscient, not from Alena's point of view.

 

[Wayne Mack]

The idea of a genetic researcher searching for something positive, a cure for cancer, combined with the contrasting hint of an interplanetary war from the title, makes for a very interesting set up. I already have an idea for a significant emotional conflict for the primary character.

One model for analyzing a story is the Three P model proposed by Brandon Sanderson: Promise, Progress, Payoff. There is an opening promise of something involving genetic research. I don't expect a payoff of the initial promise this early in the story, but I do expect to see some level of progress. The discussion of test results does provide some sense of progress, however, this does not apply to the actions after leaving the lab. As a reader, I need to be given a new purpose or a rationale for Alena's next actions. Without this, they feel arbitrary and feel like disconnected story points.

I had two issues with Alena as a character. I usually like the protagonist to be either competent or feel like he or she has the capability to learn to be competent. The line,

"Alena, you forgot to introduce the oncovirus into the sample. It's no wonder the cells didn't produce any tumors."

made me feel that Alena was incompetent and I also saw no obvious mechanism for her to gain competence.

Later, this line felt very voyeuristic to me,

She took a towel from the automatic dispenser, undressed and left her clothes on a sun lounger

Now a writer is certainly entitled to portray whatever situations he or she feels appropriate. This just felt like an unexpected turn into a type of story I would not normally read.

I feel that there are a lot of interesting and well thought out worldbuilding aspects in this sample. What I feel is missing is an engaging reason why these specific details are being presented.

 

[CultureCitizen]

The idea of a genetic researcher searching for something positive, a cure for cancer, combined with the contrasting hint of an interplanetary war from the title, makes for a very interesting set up. I already have an idea for a significant emotional conflict for the primary character.

One model for analyzing a story is the Three P model proposed by Brandon Sanderson: Promise, Progress, Payoff. There is an opening promise of something involving genetic research. I don't expect a payoff of the initial promise this early in the story, but I do expect to see some level of progress. The discussion of test results does provide some sense of progress, however, this does not apply to the actions after leaving the lab. As a reader, I need to be given a new purpose or a rationale for Alena's next actions. Without this, they feel arbitrary and feel like disconnected story points.

I had two issues with Alena as a character. I usually like the protagonist to be either competent or feel like he or she has the capability to learn to be competent. The line,

made me feel that Alena was incompetent and I also saw no obvious mechanism for her to gain competence.

Later, this line felt very voyeuristic to me,

Now a writer is certainly entitled to portray whatever situations he or she feels appropriate. This just felt like an unexpected turn into a type of story I would not normally read.

I feel that there are a lot of interesting and well thought out worldbuilding aspects in this sample. What I feel is missing is an engaging reason why these specific details are being presented.

Hi,
She is not incompetent, not really. Just as most humans, after working on a long-running experiment she made one mistake in one experiment. Errors like that happen all the time in science, one such happenstance gave birth to penicillin.

But then there is the (existential matter) of what roles will we play in a society where machines outperform us in most tasks. Alena is not incompetent, she is just incompetent compared to the AI. Doing something in the lab actually makes her feel a bit useful, because she is mostly there to guide the direction of the research and make sure the AI doesn't misbehave.

So there go my reasons behind those details.

 

[CultureCitizen]

Later, this line felt very voyeuristic to me,



She took a towel from the automatic dispenser, undressed and left her clothes on a sun lounger

Now a writer is certainly entitled to portray whatever situations he or she feels appropriate. This just felt like an unexpected turn into a type of story I would not normally read.

Well, considering most of the population are adults, I actually thought it would be just a small cultural twist that nudity wasn't such a taboo topic on Mars. If you want to take a dive you simply get undressed and swim.

But as in every form of art, every reader experiences the narration in its own way ( and not necessarily in the way the author intended).

 

[msstice]

Well, considering most of the population are adults, I actually thought it would be just a small cultural twist that nudity wasn't such a taboo topic on Mars. If you want to take a dive you simply get undressed and swim.

But as in every form of art, every reader experiences the narration in its own way ( and not necessarily in the way the author intended).

I take your point, but a reader's reaction (which @Wayne Mack 's is) is useful to consider. "Promises" have been mentioned before in the thread. This is especially important at the start of a story. A reader is trying to judge not only if the writing is good, but what kind of story it will be. What we as writers mention of the world and what we don't sets the tone ("Promises") for the story.

Describing a woman stripping down and then emphasizing it by having a character remark on her appearance makes a promise. Is this an important part of your story - the fact that nudity is not a taboo? But her friend does remark on it, suggesting that nudity is actually not that common place. There are some mixed promises here. Will there be more nudity in the story? Will there be explicit sex? These lines sort of hint at that. Some readers might want to read more because of that, some may be turned off. What is important is, are the promises true? If there won't actually be more of that, it could be a problem (and not just for this aspect but for any aspect) because promises have then been broken.

 

[CultureCitizen]

I take your point, but a reader's reaction (which @Wayne Mack 's is) is useful to consider. "Promises" have been mentioned before in the thread. This is especially important at the start of a story. A reader is trying to judge not only if the writing is good, but what kind of story it will be. What we as writers mention of the world and what we don't sets the tone ("Promises") for the story.

Describing a woman stripping down and then emphasizing it by having a character remark on her appearance makes a promise. Is this an important part of your story - the fact that nudity is not a taboo? But her friend does remark on it, suggesting that nudity is actually not that common place. There are some mixed promises here. Will there be more nudity in the story? Will there be explicit sex? These lines sort of hint at that. Some readers might want to read more because of that, some may be turned off. What is important is, are the promises true? If there won't actually be more of that, it could be a problem (and not just for this aspect but for any aspect) because promises have then been broken.

Your point on promises is interesting. I guess I can just leave out Renan's remarks.

 

[CultureCitizen]

I take your point, but a reader's reaction (which @Wayne Mack 's is) is useful to consider. "Promises" have been mentioned before in the thread. This is especially important at the start of a story. A reader is trying to judge not only if the writing is good, but what kind of story it will be. What we as writers mention of the world and what we don't sets the tone ("Promises") for the story.

Describing a woman stripping down and then emphasizing it by having a character remark on her appearance makes a promise. Is this an important part of your story - the fact that nudity is not a taboo? But her friend does remark on it, suggesting that nudity is actually not that common place. There are some mixed promises here. Will there be more nudity in the story? Will there be explicit sex? These lines sort of hint at that. Some readers might want to read more because of that, some may be turned off. What is important is, are the promises true? If there won't actually be more of that, it could be a problem (and not just for this aspect but for any aspect) because promises have then been broken.

... I am having second thoughts... the scene is probably as shocking as the regular swimsuits for middle eastern countries.
Which is exactly the reaction I wanted. The only thing that gets on the way are Renan's comments. So I guess , I'll just leave that scene as is, but remove Renan's comments in spite of having a crush on her.

Is this better?

She took four laps swimming on her back and two swimming freestyle. When she got out, she found Renan lying on one of the sun loungers. She took a towel and dried her body, she then covered herself and sat by Renan’s side.
"I thought we would meet in Marajó," said Alena.
"The session ended, before what I expected," replied Renan nonchalantly.
Alena finished drying herself and got dressed.

 

[Wayne Mack]

One of the challenges I see as a writer is the need to be quite detailed and specific about things. As a writer, one has a wealth of images and expectations in one's head. The reader, though, is limited to only what is presented on the page. I suggest reviewing your responses to reader comments and identifying how many of them are further explanations of what you intended the reader to understand.

I find that in those situations, I have the following options:

• Remove the section in question unless there is a very valid reason for keeping it.
• If kept, expand the section to fully reveal the intended information.
• If the expansion feels out of place, then defer the section until later.
• Last option is to decide that reader confusion or misunderstanding is actually a positive for the story, ignore the comment, and leave it be.

I feel like you have a lot of ideas percolating in your head. It is just that they are not coming across to the reader as well as you had hoped. In the end, you are the one to decide what to write, but it is pleasurable when readers can fully share what you have envisioned.

 

[Brian G Turner]

One thing that sounds out to me is how distant the narrative is to the main character - it's all tell, no show. The result is that the reader is left distanced from events rather than engaged by them. This was popular in writing a few decades ago, but these days readers generally demand a closer character experience that they can almost feel. I'd suggest you read up on POV use for close third person and see if that helps.