Ready to start draft 3.

[yorelm]

I wanted to wait a coupla days before posting something else so I could respond to other posts. But since there's nothing new yet, I'm posting the opening to the paragraph in my previous thread. I'm ready to start draft 3 and would appreciate suggestions before I begin. Just the first four paragraphs:

The blaring of a semi's horn jolted me like a splash of freezing water. My eyes snapped open, and it took me a few disoriented seconds to realize I'd drifted over the double yellow lines, lulled by the rain's steady rhythm. Adrenaline kicked in, and I gripped the wheel, wrenching it to the right, until the tires screeched back into the rightful lane. Easing off the gas, I took a few shaky breaths. "Rookie move," I muttered, shaking my head.

After regaining my bearings, I coasted for another twenty minutes, then merged onto I-85 South from North Carolina. The green neon glow of an exit sign blinked ahead, announcing CANSTON VILLAGE NEXT RIGHT. Since I'd nearly become a few lines in the local news, a break was overdue. Canston should have a motel. Even a no-star dive would be better than driving half-asleep or risking a nap in a roadside ditch.

I rolled up to the main part of town--a fishing village judging from the boats, at least a dozen docked alongside a handful of weather-beaten piers. A few houses spread around a hillside across the water, shadowed in darkness. The only light came from street lamps accenting raindrops in hazy cones.

Welcome to nowhere, I thought. Life here probably matched the pace of the tide.

Continue on-able?

 

[Yozh]

I like it so far, good pacing and I would keep reading.

One picky detail, is that I can't see where you would find a fishing village on I-85 in North Carolina. Isn't all up in the mountains?

 

[yorelm]

I like it so far, good pacing and I would keep reading.

One picky detail, is that I can't see where you would find a fishing village on I-85 in North Carolina. Isn't all up in the mountains?

Arrrg! I thought there were coastal towns. If not, I have some major changing to do! Thx Yozh.

 

[Cthulhu.Science]

The blaring of a semi's horn jolted me like a splash of freezing water. My eyes snapped open, and it took me a few disoriented seconds to realize I'd drifted over the double yellow lines, lulled by the rain's steady rhythm. Adrenaline kicked in, and I gripped the wheel, wrenching it to the right, until the tires screeched back into the rightful lane. Easing off the gas, I took a few shaky breaths. "Rookie move," I muttered, shaking my head.

This paragraph could be reorganized for action -- Having the protagonist act then reflect. -- This reorganization needs grammar check but it keeps the action together.

The blaring of a semi's horn jolted me like a splash of freezing water. My eyes snapped open, Adrenaline kicked in, and I gripped the wheel, wrenching it to the right, until the tires screeched back into the rightful lane. I took a few shaky breaths. and it took me a few disoriented seconds to realize I'd drifted over the double yellow lines, lulled by the rain's steady rhythm. Easing off the gas, I muttered, "Rookie move," shaking my head.

Adrenaline kicked in, and I gripped the wheel, wrenching it to the right, until the tires screeched back into the rightful lane.

During a heavy rainfall tires don't screech. Tires lock up and the car slides across the water without any tire-on-road (contact) or sound at all.
Wrenching the wheel would put the car into a spin off the road, into a barrier, or into other cars -- perhaps all three.

Probably only people who have driven in weather would notice. But a lot of places have weather.


Also there was a phrase that I'm not familiar with:

merged onto I-85 South from North Carolina.

I'm familiar with merging "toward" a place not "from" a place.

I'm curious what I'll find in that strange dark town...

 

[Swank]

I like Cthulhu's edit. There is something a little too "on the nose" about the passage. The wording is too precise or the cadence too regular. I'd rather read something with the action:reaction he wrote, or in a light vernacular that makes the re-telling more casual.

The basic structure of a joke is set up followed by punchline. All prose should have elements of both - take us down a path and deliver in some surprising or satisfying way. Don't just give us the events in time order.

Sorry if that is overly philosophical.

 

[yorelm]

I

This paragraph could be reorganized for action -- Having the protagonist act then reflect. -- This reorganization needs grammar check but it keeps the action together.

The blaring of a semi's horn jolted me like a splash of freezing water. My eyes snapped open, Adrenaline kicked in, and I gripped the wheel, wrenching it to the right, until the tires screeched back into the rightful lane. I took a few shaky breaths. and it took me a few disoriented seconds to realize I'd drifted over the double yellow lines, lulled by the rain's steady rhythm. Easing off the gas, I muttered, "Rookie move," shaking my head.





During a heavy rainfall tires don't screech. Tires lock up and the car slides across the water without any tire-on-road (contact) or sound at all.
Wrenching the wheel would put the car into a spin off the road, into a barrier, or into other cars -- perhaps all three.

Probably only people who have driven in weather would notice. But a lot of places have weather.


Also there was a phrase that I'm not familiar with:


I'm familiar with merging "toward" a place not "from" a place.

I'm curious what I'll find in that strange dark town...

I don't drive. Until laser surgery, I was half blind for a good chunk of my life, so I never learned to drive because of my poor vision. I see fine now, though. Still, the "screeching" was a lapse of logic on my part. I'll simply change it to "skid." But even in the rain, if a blaring horn startles you awake because you're crossing over the lines, you won't be calm enough to carefully steer back into your lane, no matter the weather. Your knee-jerk reaction is to quickly get out of the way. I can just put something like "nearly slamming into the embankment" after the skid. That should put even more stress on his needing to get some sleep asap.
Thanks for that. I was a head-slapper.

 

[Cthulhu.Science]

I like Cthulhu's edit. There is something a little too "on the nose" about the passage. The wording is too precise or the cadence too regular. I'd rather read something with the action:reaction he wrote, or in a light vernacular that makes the re-telling more casual.

The basic structure of a joke is set up followed by punchline. All prose should have elements of both - take us down a path and deliver in some surprising or satisfying way. Don't just give us the events in time order.

Sorry if that is overly philosophical.

You might note that I didn't add or subtract any words. I just reorganized the sentences and phrases provided.

 

[Cthulhu.Science]

I

I don't drive. Until laser surgery, I was half blind for a good chunk of my life, so I never learned to drive because of my poor vision. I see fine now, though. Still, the "screeching" was a lapse of logic on my part. I'll simply change it to "skid." But even in the rain, if a blaring horn startles you awake because you're crossing over the lines, you won't be calm enough to carefully steer back into your lane, no matter the weather. Your knee-jerk reaction is to quickly get out of the way. I can just put something like "nearly slamming into the embankment" after the skid. That should put even more stress on his needing to get some sleep asap.
Thanks for that. I was a head-slapper.

As someone who has both driven in weather and (so very long ago I can admit it now) dozed while driving once or twice, might I suggest that automatic reaction is based on experience. If your protagonist is from the East Coast of the US and drives highways a lot then maybe they have basic good reactions.

Adrenaline kicked in, and I gripped the wheel, wrenching it to the right, until the tires screeched back into the rightful lane.

Adrenaline kicked in, I held the wheel as wind sucked the car toward impact with the semi as it hurtled past only inches from the side mirror. Clear of the impending doom, I took a few shaky breaths as I guided the car back into my lane...

OK, that's a little melodramatic, and poorly written, but it puts the pieces together a little better. Not that I've encountered that specific event, but pulling off on a paved shoulder for a minute to get ones bearings and to let one's heart stop racing is usually in order after such a thing. Perhaps followed by the decision to find a place to sleep.

I've just reread my sentence -- It is awfully written isn't it.
But the ideas are there. That is the airflow around the truck. Note the lower lines that would be pulling at the side of the car. Note that the passing at highway speeds would only be a second or two, but on slick roads reactions would matter.

 

[Swank]

You might note that I didn't add or subtract any words. I just reorganized the sentences and phrases provided.

Certainly. The order you tell the reader about events can make something much more interesting than the order it occurs in.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I like it. It reminds me of Richard Chizmar’s style. Can’t comment on the geography as I’m a Brit with little knowledge of such alchemy as Interstates …

What genre is this? Nice work

 

[yorelm]

As someone who has both driven in weather and (so very long ago I can admit it now) dozed while driving once or twice, might I suggest that automatic reaction is based on experience. If your protagonist is from the East Coast of the US and drives highways a lot then maybe they have basic good reactions.



Adrenaline kicked in, I held the wheel as wind sucked the car toward impact with the semi as it hurtled past only inches from the side mirror. Clear of the impending doom, I took a few shaky breaths as I guided the car back into my lane...

OK, that's a little melodramatic, and poorly written, but it puts the pieces together a little better. Not that I've encountered that specific event, but pulling off on a paved shoulder for a minute to get ones bearings and to let one's heart stop racing is usually in order after such a thing. Perhaps followed by the decision to find a place to sleep.

I've just reread my sentence -- It is awfully written isn't it.
But the ideas are there. That is the airflow around the truck. Note the lower lines that would be pulling at the side of the car. Note that the passing at highway speeds would only be a second or two, but on slick roads reactions would matter.

View attachment 127812

I get the point.

 

[yorelm]

I like it. It reminds me of Richard Chizmar’s style. Can’t comment on the geography as I’m a Brit with little knowledge of such alchemy as Interstates …

What genre is this? Nice work

It's a rather weird horror short story. Though I've seen his name a lot, I've never read him, but that has me curious.
Thx for reading.

 

[dgackst]

I like the opening! It grabbed my attention. I think you could quicken the pace some more in the opening paragraphs, but I wouldn't worry about that until the story is completed.

 

[Cthulhu.Science]

I get the point.

If you don't drive there is no reason to know that car tires don't squeal in the rain or on dirt roads or in the snow. Film makers have been adding the squealing sound in those conditions for as long as there have been films and TV.

 

[yorelm]

If you don't drive there is no reason to know that car tires don't squeal in the rain or on dirt roads or in the snow. Film makers have been adding the squealing sound in those conditions for as long as there have been films and TV.

I consider myself a semi-logical guy, so I still think I should have caught that just from common sense. But to my credit, I just may have after another pass. I just can't count on that all the time.

 

[Yozh]

Arrrg! I thought there were coastal towns. If not, I have some major changing to do! Thx Yozh.

Plenty of coastal towns in NC, just not on I-85. Maybe switch it out for I-40, or old US 1? US Road Map: Interstate Highways in the United States - GIS Geography

 

[yorelm]

Plenty of coastal towns in NC, just not on I-85. Maybe switch it out for I-40, or old US 1? US Road Map: Interstate Highways in the United States - GIS Geography

Thanks!

 

[Phyrebrat]

It's a rather weird horror short story. Though I've seen his name a lot, I've never read him, but that has me curious.
Thx for reading.

Finally… another horror writer hereabouts!

 

[yorelm]

Finally… another horror writer hereabouts!

Hey partner! But I do urban fantasy, trad fantasy, and sci-fi also. I suppose more urban fantasy than the rest.

But always weird no matter the choice. I simply can't think "normal" when it comes to storytelling. But I do try to make the prose as "real" as I'm capable.

 

[Toby Frost]

I don't have a lot to say here. Leaving aside the details, if the overall question is "Would you read on?" or "Is this good enough to justify continuing?" I would say "Yes" to both, although (no offence meant) those are quite low fences to cross. It doesn't seem fundamentally broken or wrong to me.