# The worst SFF story ever



## Harpo

Let's try to write the absolute _worst_ Sci-Fi/Fantasy story ever (the comedy aspect is allowed to be good though, obviously)

You can write up to a short paragraph at a time.  I'll start us off:



The tall metal rocket landed on the White House lawn.


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## The Ace

And was immediately blown to atoms by Whitehouse Security.


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## Talysia

What they didn't count on was the fleet of flying saucers hovering overhead.


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## Lenny

Which, in retaliation, sent out a death beam, annihilating 3/4 of the American population.


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## Harpo

The only survivors were the Californians, and anyone who happened to be visiting their state.  And what a state it was.


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## Talysia

And so, the Californians vowed revenge on the aliens.


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## Harpo

They turned to their Hollywood idols for inspiration and their Governor for leadership, they knew good old Arnie wouldn't let them down in a crisis like this crisis.


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## Talysia

"I think I can help,"  Arnie replied, getting up from his desk.  "Wait right there for a moment,"  he said to the Californians' spokesman.  "I'll be back."  And he went left the office to get something.


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## Harpo

He came back dressed as Onan The Barbarian, and was carrying a big pointy sword.


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## Somni

'Sir, how's that going to reach a flying saucer?' asked the Spokesman.


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## Talysia

"I just need something to get me up to those ships,"  came the reply.  "What have we got that can get a person up to that altitude, and fast?"


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## Harpo

"I don't know" said the spokesman, "I'm just a hippy, there's only one kind of high I'm used to"


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## sanityassassin

> Would it not just be easier writing the screenplay for Independence Day as this is very similar so far




Christopher Lloyd runs in saying"I have this amazing idea to destroy the spaceships but I need the help of Tom Cruise and Will Smith to carry it out"


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## Majimaune

"Sorry they were in the 3/4 that got destroyed....good job too."


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## Talysia

"Ok, then," the spokesman said, "we'll have to do something ourselves," and he set out to find a way to defeat the aliens.


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## Giovanna Clairval

... when a hatch opened in the hole-ridden silvery surface of the rocket, and an object was projected out and onto the lawn.


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## tangaloomababe

It was a white flag, did this mean the aliens had surrendered? I doubt it!


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## Majimaune

_Meanwhile in the alien spaceships..._ "We'll send out this white flag to tell them that we declare war on their planet."


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## Harpo

_Meanwhile in California......._...... "Wow man! Flying saucers are groovy!"


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## Majimaune

_Back at the site of the white flag..._Some nitwit (the President of the United States of America)  saw the white flag being thrown out of the spaceship and cried aloud "They surrender!!!"


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## Dave

_I've seen this film before, the big shiny robot appears next!_


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## The Ace

Freda heard you.


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## Majimaune

And spoke with a rusty voice because the things making up the vocal cords were rusty.


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## Anomander

"My name is Osama" it squeaked, "but you can call me Sam"


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## Lenny

Or Sammy. It is a good name, Sammy. Ozzy is acceptable also.


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## Talysia

The Californians looked on in disbelief, then someone shouted, "What do you want here?"


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## Majimaune

"Nothing too out of the ordinary...just this planet."


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## YOSSARIAN

Then Osama sounded an ominous, rusty cakcle.  One of its minions added its voice to Ozzy's, and quickly all the robots joined in.  The din reminded Arnold of the secret Austrian demolition derbies he attended when he was naught but a perversely overmuscled youth in Vienna. . .except those were automobiles with roaring engines slamming into one another-and these were alien robots with oxidized vocal cords, laughing.  "Get out of here!" he implored, not only to the aliens, but to his precious Californians as well.


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## Majimaune

"NEVER!!!!" The sound of the robots was terribly loud now.


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## YOSSARIAN

In fact it was so loud that it nearly drowned out the sound of legions of Hummers sparking to life (via remote start) as the majority of the Californians sprinted to their vehicles.  The governor's aging but still impressive pectorals twitched like never before, his jaw clenching at the sight of girlie men rumbling off in their sparkling clean off road automobiles.


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## Majimaune

And then he ran as well shouting "Ged away from the robots they are going to blow" and jumped into his ex-military hummar and drove to Mexico.


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## YOSSARIAN

Yet some people remained.  A small sea of mid-sized sedans were not moving.  _Rental cars_, the occupants of which were families keeping their eyes peeled in search of Steve Spielberg.  They thought they were watching an honest to goodness motion picture production.  Then scores of Hummer H3s sputtered to a halt.  At first the gawking tourists (finally realizing this was a true alien invasion) thought the invaders had employed motor killing devices.  When disgruntled young women hopped from drivers' doors it became obvious that the vehicles had stooped because the ladies had neglected to heed the "LOW FUEL" lights thereby running themselves out of gas.


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## Majimaune

The big white robots all conjured fireballs in their hands and started to throw them at the vehicle's.


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## Dave

_I haven't seen this film before, but I'm going to rent the DVD!_


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## Harpo

"BOOM!" went the exploding vehicles, sometimes in slowmotion, sometimes in Matrixtime, and sometimes they were just exploding like an exploding vehicle usually does.


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## Rosemary

Patricia McKillip's 'The Tower At Stony Wood'.  It just seemed to be a mixture and rework of old fairy tales...


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## Majimaune

Then in mid explosion one of the cars got doused in water from an unknown source.


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## Harpo

It had started raining without anybody noticing.


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## power 0wns

then everyone died, and everything blew up, apart from 2 leprechauns called adam and eve


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## Majimaune

Then the two leprechauns went away to a parallel universe.


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## hypocriticHarkonnen

As they did so, a bunch of leprechaun gold coins fell out of their pockets. Mixing with cosmic [fart] gas, they turned into the first Deluxe Autobots and Decepticons.


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## Harpo

The Parallel Universe was _exactly_ like our universe, except that everyone was called Adam or Eve


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## hypocriticHarkonnen

Then all the Adams formed a group against all the Eves and started World War [n].


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## Majimaune

And that turned out to be a disaster in which God himself got killed.


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## x//ada\\x

he booked himself onto the spacship known as Jesop, and bought a bar of chocolate to eat on the way.


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## Harpo

They forgot what were fighting for, so the war was a draw


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## Majimaune

Or was it? That was the greatest question of all time! Then 42 became its answer.


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## Harpo

Suddenly the entirety of everything was transported almost two years into the future, and everybody had to start all over again.


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## Granfalloon

...from where they had left off, only now it was two years from now. By this time the aliens had given up and left when they realized that the last of the chocolate bars had been devoured. Soon everyone else on the planet realized that America was abandoned (except for the Californians, who no-one ever really takes seriously anyway) so they rushed in for a piece of the American dream pie. For the most part, they did not find what they were looking for, since for one thing, American money was now worthless, and the pie was just a pipe dream.


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## zaelyel

Suddenly the moon became pink.


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## Granfalloon

...and then purple.


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## Fireyfly

and then the cast of Twilight came in and got bludgeoned to death by Joss Whedon (yay!!!)


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## Ursa major

The air shimmered, and the Princess appeared. Her hair was of spun gold; spun as in: by Lord Mandelson, out of L'Oreal.

"I've a pony." The Princess held up a bundle of notes. "Who knows how much I can buy with it?" she snorted.


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## thepaladin

*"It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out. The maid screamed. A door slammed. Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon."*


The beagle looked around at the pony and smiled. The wizard scribbled in his book. The starship captain kissed the lovely Zamorian Princess who'd taken a wrong turn and ended up in the story by accident.....  Quickly Luke and Han moved to stop the evil Ming before he could immolate Flash. Buck Rogers grabbed Dale's hand and ran for the space shuttle he'd left running!


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## Moontravler

You see a buxom blonde sprawled across the screen. She says: "Come play, my lord..." ...and winks.

Oops, sorry, that's on the back flap of the book.


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## J Riff

The horror returned on Monday evening when Krannigan opened the refrigerator. The thing that had been growing in there all these months while he had been away with Cynthia at the holistic natureopathic tribal voodoo self-help clinic in the woods near Pleasant valley, was very hungry. 
 As the many-tentacled organism reached for him, he thought of her hair, the splendid autumn-russet gleam of pure.... browness, that radiated from Cynthia's hair, like a brownish moonbeam of glowing magic browness...nay, browner than brown, he thought, there had to be a new word created for Cynthia's hair. Then everything went brown.



BTW The results of the Bulwer-Lytton bad romance-writing contest are in.


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## Triffids

Then Krannigan started reading the Twilight saga and things got a whole lot worse.


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## Somni

with every line the world became greyer and greyer.


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## Dave

And they all lived happily ever after!


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## Interference

... until the grave was disturbed by the emergence of a grizzly, wizened hand; and, lying on the floor of the spaceship, the pilot's eye twitched open; and a swirling mist enveloped the house...


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## Allanon

The house had become a metaphore for the story and aptly should now become it's title.... I digress. If only it could have been different for the deathly figure of the dead but now re-animated star captain, he had only ever wanted to be on Broadway but his parents had pushed him into the Star Academy. "Do something with your life" they'd say, "stop whining about that silly acting nonsense!". Look where that advice had gotten him, nobody gets zapped by aliens on the cast of Hairspray!! Oh well, back to the story.... 

If only it could have been different.... Nope forward slightly..... The Dead Captain, as he should now be referred to, hobbled silently to the ships controls and pushed the correct sequence of buttons, avoiding the Red one, setting his course for Xiit'ujiin.....


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## Interference

Or at least, he thought he was pressing the buttons.  In fact, his finger tips penetrated the solidity of the panel like a ghostly superimposition in an early film just exploring the technique of double-exposure for the first time - except that this was real life - or possibly death.


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## Harpo

Suddenly, reality kidnapped the story and hurled it into a time machine.  When the story re-emerged, a little over two years had passed and almost everything was exactly the same.  Or so it seemed.


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## anivid

deleted - wrong place


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## Black/White Eyes

The child found the story in the shape of a lantern, swirling colors of plot devices.

"It'll make a nice gift for Grandma!" she said, and with a fourish of red skipped on her way to Grandmother's house with her basket of goodies and lantern of stories.


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## Harpo

She came to a wooden bridge across a river, and paused.

"What if there's a troll under this bridge?" she wondered, as she was often in the habit of getting her stories mixed up, "I'll never get to Grandma's gingerbread house unless I leave a trail of bread crumbs"

So saying, she threw down a handful of crumbs, and was immediately set upon....


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## Greenwoody

...by a public health inspector.

"You can't drop those breadcrumbs here!" the towering giant of a public health inspector roared with a roar like a roaring lion, only not quite as loud.  "I'll have you for littering and potential pollution of a water-course.  Are those even organic breadcrumbs?"
"Er, no they're Value brand," the poor child sobbed.  "I only-"
"Silence!" the public health inspector shrieked, a vein throbbing on his pock-marked temple, as he looked down his long pointy nose at her with his one bloodshot eye.  "Did I ask you to speak, child?"
"Well, actually you did."
"Oh, so I did, right.  Sorry."


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## alchemist

There was a _slash _and a _thump_. The public health inspectors headless body fell to the ground and his head (now separated from his body) rolled along the road trailing a trail of red, scarlet, rubrescent drops of blood.

An attractive woman in a skimpy tee shirt jumped from behind a bush, carrying the biggest-ass blade the girl had ever seen. Why, it was only Chastity McVamp, the famous paranormal private investigator!


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## J Riff

Chastity holstered her blade and sneered down at the little girl.
"Well, little girl" she said  "-if that's what you really are - maybe you'd like to tell me just where you are going and what you are doing."
"Going to Gramaw's house." squeeked the child.
"Lead on then, child.. but keep your hands where I can see them. And stop dropping those breadcrumbs."
"Otay." said the little girl, and they set off through the woods.


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## Harpo

McVamp was investigating a series of werewolf sightings in the area, and her prime suspect was an elderly lady who lived in a cottage in the woods with three little pigs


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## Greenwoody

As they progressed along meandering trails though the dense forest that was full of trees and bushes and general shrubbery, they passed a clearing where a blade lay embedded in stone, the very blade would be used to kill the evil wizard at the end of the story.  All lay still and silent save the lonesome creaking of the trees as the cold wind whistled through the branches like an old kettle that doesn't automatically click off; the squawking of birds; the buzz of insects; and the monotonous lonesome drone of a nearby motorway.


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## mr kite

It was quiet for the time of day , 12.01 am and they knew that sooner or later it would be light and they would be able to find a little Cafe that sold those nice little buns that looked like Space Ships , and still had one of those old space invader machine that took most of their pocket money back in the day .


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## Harpo

"What's your name, kid?" whispered Chastity McVamp, by way of small talk.
"Little Red Writhing Hood" replied the child.


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## Greenwoody

They continued struggling to make small talk as they progressed through the forest.

A clap of thunder made them jump as they stepped from the trees into a clearing.  There before them stood a stereotypical witches cottage, a ramshackle thatched abode built of wood and stone and such-like.  Forbidding dark windows looked out at them as they approached up the winding garden path, a trail of smoke wafting down from the crooked chimney, beside a rusted old satellite dish.

The old wooden door creaked slowly, inexorably open...
Just then an old woman hobbled out and held up a can of WD40 to the hinches.  "Ah, that's better," she crooned.


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## Harpo

But the WD40 can had been sabotaged and was filled with superpowerful Knockout Gas, rendering everyone comatose for a very long time.

Eventually, along came seven assorted characters from seven other stories, and so.....


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## sinister42

Arthur Dent came to after a nasty blow to the head that came from he knew not where.  "What?  I don't understand.  Where's the tea?" he said.  The forest loomed over him like a big looming thing that he couldn't think of right now. 
"Hiya," said Spiderman.
"Ack! Why are you wearing that?"  He didn't know why this was his first question of Spiderman, instead of, perhaps, "Why are we sitting here in the woods blinking at things," but the bright red spandex really was distracting. 
"I'm your friendly neighborhood Spiderman.  It seems you've taken a blow to the head.  Do you want me to call someone for you?"
"No, I'm fine," said Arthur.  "Just need some tea and some aspirin.  Have you seen my friends?  One of them has two heads and three arms, and the other one is a suicidally depressed robot."
Spiderman looked around at the looming forest.  "Nope," he said. 

(I should stop there, really.)


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## Harpo

Arthur & Spidey raised their eyebrows at the writers, although how anyone can tell when the latter does so must remain a mystery for now.
"I say" started Arthur, "weren't there supposed to be seven of us?"
Spiderman nodded in agreement. "We can read, pal! It says seven assorted characters and there's only the pair of us here!"


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## sinister42

"Yes, well, perhaps the other five fell down somewhere else," posited Arthur.
"That seems a likely scenario," agreed Spiderman, adjusting his Spandex uniform, which was riding up uncomfortably.  It did that.  Arthur looked away, embarrassed.
"Hiya," said Captain Mal Reynolds.  "You two look lost.  I reckon you could use a ship."
"There's one," said Arthur.  "Just need to find the other four."


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## Danny McG

As Arthur spoke he realised the other two were staring over his shoulder, anxiously he span around and saw.. 

Forest!


"Er, what are you looking at" he whispered, craning his head at them both.
In unison they pointed at a nearby bush that appeared to be trembling.
A gust of wind parted the leaves to reveal a scruffy youth holding a Great Dane in his arms, both shivering nervously.
The youth yelled "Zoiks Scoob, they've seen us, like, run!"


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## Harpo

And so they ran, they ran and ran, from the forest to the City Of The Future, in all its faded 50s glory.


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