# Can you date a non-fan?



## heyfoureyes (Nov 18, 2007)

As a geek who's into jocks, I've been very happy not dating other sf/f fans. I have dated fans too, but appreciating sf/f is a bonus for me, not a requirement.

However, I do have some friends who feel that they must date another fan.  They don't feel that they would be truly understood by a non-fan.

So, I'm curious, folks -- is fandom a dating requirement for you? Has dating a non-fan ever causes problems? And most importantly, have you ever _converted_ a non-fan to a fan?


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## Lucien21 (Nov 18, 2007)

I don't think it is essential that your date/partner enjoys all the same things. Some crossover is nice so that you can enjoy things together, but it is nice to have something for yourself.

I suppose it also depends on how far into fandom you are. Dating someone who would think you are weird for going to a convention or dressing up as a Klingon etc is probably a bad idea.


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## ironvelvet (Nov 21, 2007)

I don't think it's so much about your commitment to SF. 
I know way too many people who see SF as a - pretty sad, desperate to escape reality, never grew up (in a retarded loser sense) - type of interest. Even within SF and Fantasy there's loads of cliques and a fair amount of disrespect floating about. 
So really it comes down to how open and tolerent of your interests the other is, whatever those interests may be.


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## Rohan (Nov 21, 2007)

Not a requirement at all, for me. So long as the person I am with has no _problem _with my reading material, I am content with either fans or non-fans.

Incidentally, I did indeed convert my girlfriend into a Fantasy fan. I fed her on a diet of varied fantasy; from Wheel of Time, to A Song of Ice and Fire, with many steps in between.

Actually, I often read aloud to her. I read her the entire Belgariad series aloud. I've also read the first three Malazan books to her, as well as several other smaller series. She loves it.


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## Omphalos (Nov 21, 2007)

I'm married to a non-fan, and nothing I do will ever change her mind.  If the story doesn't involve high fashion and a young upwardly mobile socially confused recent college grad, she ain't havin' nothin' to do with it.  I foresee myself watching a lot of movies with my son once he gets old enough and I completely indoctrinate him.


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## Kissmequick (Nov 21, 2007)

Wouldn't bother me, as long as we had other stuff in common tbh. 

My Old Man was a TV SFF guy when I met him but he never read. He's got quite bad dyslexia. He'd tried some old style fantasy novels and found that it took him so long to read ( and often re read) a sentence or paragraph, by the time he got to the end of the page he'd forgotten what was at the start! I tried reading LOTR to him, but my voice gave out...

However, I managed to get him into Pratchett for starters and he found that not only highly amusing but above all _easy to read._ So I've spent my time finding him books that are written in an easy style ( dragonlance was another good one to start with) and eventually he's even got good enough to tackle Lord of the Rings( although he did have trouble with a lot of the names, he just came up with his own interpretation/ pronunciation and went with that). He was so chuffed when he finished!

Only trouble is now, he keeps nicking my books off me.


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## Ragnar (Nov 21, 2007)

Mrs Ragnar is pretty much a non-fan. I managed to get her watching SF TV shows & she can hold her own in a discussion about DS9 or Babylon 5 etc... but that's as far as it goes. I've given up trying to get her to read anything & she fell asleep during the first Star Wars movie. Its not a problem though - its the differences that make a relationship interesting.


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## Thadlerian (Nov 21, 2007)

Omphalos said:


> If the story doesn't involve high fashion and a young upwardly mobile socially confused recent college grad...


Sounds just like _The Wheel of Time_ to me...


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## tangaloomababe (Nov 21, 2007)

As far as Science Fiction  and fantasy goes my partener share a common interest, we both enjoy reading and watching both styles.  HOWEVER as far as chrons goes, nope this is my private sanctuary, to air my views about anything and I would'nt share it with anyone, well except the other 20,000 members that is!


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## gully_foyle (Nov 21, 2007)

Ragnar said:


> Its not a problem though - its the differences that make a relationship interesting.


Precisely! Me and Ms Foyle have very diverse reading and professional interests. We like similar music, movies, foods, outdoorsy stuff, and we happen to like the same two children (most of the time!) She is very much into other cultures, but not imagined ones. She loves reading about far off and exotic places, but only if they really exist. So if I try to tell her about what I am reading about, her eyes pretty much glaze over, her head droops and she feigns death until I stop. The other day she asked me why I love SF and I told her it was an escape, her response was "are you trying to escape from us?" My answer was "ofcourse".


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## Cayal (Nov 21, 2007)

At the rate I am going I can't afford to say no to anyone. lol.


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## Nesacat (Nov 21, 2007)

It's not a problem but the other person has to respect that this is something you are interested. It's alright if they do not understand or care for it but it's not alright if they belittle you for it or use it to run you down. The differences do make things interesting I agree but there needs to be respect for the difference.


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## gully_foyle (Nov 21, 2007)

Nesacat said:


> It's not a problem but the other person has to respect that this is something you are interested. It's alright if they do not understand or care for it but it's not alright if they belittle you for it or use it to run you down. The differences do make things interesting I agree but there needs to be respect for the difference.


Nesa, respect is the basis of any relationship. No, wait, let's say its the egg that binds the relationship cake together (cause you still need sugar n stuff).


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## Nesacat (Nov 21, 2007)

There's a whole bunch of people who just have not worked that out yet Gully. I happened to have married one. He thought it was the stupidest thing in the world, my reading habit. It made me abnormal and unnatural. He's now married to someone who fits neatly into his ideas.

Maybe that's why sometimes people insist on dating within fandom. And yes ... you do need the sugar and stuff. But the eggy bits are necessary.


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## gully_foyle (Nov 21, 2007)

Ms Foyle wasn't exactly first pick either. We learn the hard way Nesa. But, still we learn.


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## Nesacat (Nov 21, 2007)

Yes we do Gully. I wish we didn't have to learn in this way but maybe that is necessary too.


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## chrispenycate (Nov 21, 2007)

As regarding the dating side, I'm possibly the worst person to ask, as essentially I never have. 
Still, I keep friendships as long as most people maintain marriages, I'll base my position on this.
It would seem that communication is one of our species' strong points (foresight definitely isn't) and it is very convenient to have a range of subjects in common with a partner to converse upon; the state of the weather and the health of offspring wear out fairly fast. Not many of my friends seriously read speculative fiction, so I am forced to have knowledge on other matters (doesn't require much force – I'm still inquisitive about just about everything). Before discovering the web I didn't know anyone with an interest aproaching my own, but this didn't turn me into a total hermit. Quite.
So, if the "fan" in your description is a genuine abreviation of "fanatic" and you are totally focussed on SFF to the exclusion of all other interests (apart, one assumes, of low-communication biological ones) it would seem wiser to find someone who shares this viewpoint, albeit to a lesser degree, otherwise discussions risk becoming extremely boring.
If, on the other hand, SFF is one facet of a wider ranging personality, I can see no reason to reject someone simply because not all the cogs mesh; after all, with how many people is this latter going to occur?


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## Ragnar (Nov 21, 2007)

I did go out with a fellow fan for a couple of years when I was younger. She was a big Dune fan and introduced me to Heinlein. Although I eventually realised that having a partner who _isn't_ a total mentalist that likes to sleep around is much more important than having a partner with an in-depth knowledge of the works of Frank Herbert


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## speedingslug (Nov 21, 2007)

Ideally it's nice for your partner to have some interest in your fandom, Ms Slug watches quite a few shows and films, it's going a fight for the remote between Corrie and Star Trek otherwise. But opposites attract (or so they say).


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## Briareus Delta (Nov 21, 2007)

What's a date?


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## Adasunshine (Nov 21, 2007)

I don't think it's necessary to have the same interests, like many other people have said, it's the differences that make it interesting but I agree with Nesa... the borderline obsessions p) we have in life need to be respected and not made fun of.

Luckily, my blokee is a geek in his own little way, he's not into SF&F as such but does love a Graphic Novel which was how he got into Neil Gaiman... 

Our tastes in all areas do cross over somewhere but we're also at the extremes, for example, I can't stand heavy metal music, it makes my brain hurt, blokee loves loves loves bands like Mad Capsule Markets, Slayer, Metallica.. the list goes on... blokee hates pop, whereas I've been known to bop around the house to a bit of Britney & co but we meet up in the middle with bands like Lemon Jelly, Foo Fighters, QOTSA, Zero 7, Grand National, Captain, Goldfrapp etc... 

It's pretty much the same with books, he loves factual books about the history of all different cultures or things like Peter Ackroyd's *LONDON: A Biography* and although these topics interest me, I just can't read the books, I don't absorb factual books very well (I blame pregnancy and school) and I, well, I love my fantasy novels and although he really isn't into that sort of thing, we meet in the middle with authors like Neil Gaiman. China Mieville etc and we both also enjoy biographies and books about various mythologies (which is borderline fantasy if you ask me but nevermind ).

The same thing applies to film also and pretty much every other topic out there, we find ourselves pretty much loving what the other hates but meeting _somewhere_ in the middle...

As far as forums go, I have Chronicles & a couple of others and he has his footy forums so we're both guilty there but as you can see, rather different tastes and concerns! 

xx


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## tangaloomababe (Nov 21, 2007)

Originally posted by Nesacat



> here's a whole bunch of people who just have not worked that out yet Gully. I happened to have married one. He thought it was the stupidest thing in the world, my reading habit. It made me abnormal and unnatural. He's now married to someone who fits neatly into his ideas.



Nesa you are right.  When my ex and I were married, I loved to read, still do.  Loved sci fi, still do.  He didn't like to read, didn't enjoy sci fi and to top it off had no appreciation for Bruce Springsteen.  Heavens we were doomed.  My current partener loves to read, enjoys sci fi and will even listen to Bruce with me.  We get along very well!!!!!


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## Nikitta (Dec 4, 2007)

My boyfriend is not a Science Fiction fan, though he does enjoy some of the books I suggest to him. He then suggests books from other genres to me and we both end up having expanded our horizons a bit. We're both different and similar enough to do that: we different enough to have something new to introduce the other to, but also similar enough for it to be something that the other is likely to enjoy.

I'd never date someone who doesn't at least once in a while read for pleasure. It doesn't have to be the same genres as I read, but he does have to read.


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## Delvo (Dec 4, 2007)

How often does anybody meet a non-fan who's willing to date a fan?


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## Pyan (Dec 5, 2007)

Delvo said:


> How often does anybody meet a non-fan who's willing to date a fan?



Oh, they do....once.


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## jackokent (Dec 5, 2007)

It's good to date non fans.  How else will they ever learn?

My partner doesn't read non fiction unless it's something I've written.  I'm sure he hates my stuff but it's a partners duty, I feel, to be a live in critic.  

But seriously diverse tastes can be as good a both liking the same things.  We don't have a thing in comon and we are continually teaching eachother about new stuff.  I think he may even be ready for the opera one day.


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## November (Dec 8, 2007)

It hasn't been a problem for me, dating a non fan; in the early days.  Then, going to the cinema, taking about books you have read ideas etc. then it all goes wrong.  I had one boyfriend who admitted he hadn't read a book since he was 14.  I knew there then it was over.

When I found out my rugby playing boyfriend liked Sci-fi/fantasy I knew he was the one for me.  Eight years and two kids later we still curl up on the sofa to watch Stargate.  I do get annoyed when he is reading Larry Niven though and won't pull his weight with the kids!


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## Stormflame (Dec 8, 2007)

"Opposites attract.  If a couple was the exact same and loved the exact same things...we would be bored and perhaps look for more unfavorable excitement."


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## Ramoth's Rider (Dec 9, 2007)

i would say so my other half doesnt read a lot but he watches TV so its nice to sit and read while he is watching something odious like Dog the Bounty hunter!!!
He does keep trying to hint that my bookshelves need clearing but them i think i would disown him if touched my books


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## dustinzgirl (Dec 9, 2007)

heyfoureyes said:


> As a geek who's into jocks, I've been very happy not dating other sf/f fans. I have dated fans too, but appreciating sf/f is a bonus for me, not a requirement.
> 
> However, I do have some friends who feel that they must date another fan.  They don't feel that they would be truly understood by a non-fan.
> 
> So, I'm curious, folks -- is fandom a dating requirement for you? Has dating a non-fan ever causes problems? And most importantly, have you ever _converted_ a non-fan to a fan?



I've been with my honey for almost six years. He hates most sci fi/fantasy (unless its got boobs, LOL) and I dislike most reality, sports, and comedy shows (how many freaking times can you freaking watch Tommy Boy before it is NO LONGER FUNNY!) we do come together on most of our choice of music, we meet in the middle at metal, then I like a lot of blues/jazz and he likes a lot of death/industrial. 

Point being, we take turns. He takes me to all the new openings of movies I really want to see that he will hate (LOTR, Serenity, Star Wars) at the theaters because he knew thats what I wanted, and I've bought him dang near every sports game ever made for every media ever created, because thats what he likes. I also sit through hours upon hours of NASCAR racing (which I don't mind at all) then all the NASCAR television shows (which I do mind, they just all say the same thing over and over and over and over and over again).

It only causes a problem when something I like is on something he likes, like if BSG conflicts with NASCAR. Thank goodness for a VCR (going to get TiVo, its on the list). 

There are some things we have found that we both like. He has come to like Eureka and I have come to enjoy stupid comedies like Jackass (I know, so beneath me.)

Oh, and he is a tried and true atheist. I'm not, I'm a Christian.

We also have a huge affection for video games, although he likes sports games and I like rpg's.

I actually have no idea why we are together, but I think its because if we both liked the same thing all the time we wouldn't be able to get into three hour long debates about why Evil Dead is a thousand times better than Vanishing Point (it is, if you don't agree with me, go choke). 

So I guess are real commonality is that we are both stubborn as heck and love a good argument.


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## j d worthington (Dec 9, 2007)

Nesacat said:


> Yes we do Gully. I wish we didn't have to learn in this way but maybe that is necessary too.


 
Cat... this is the only way any living thing learns; it's the only way it _can_, ultimately (short of some divine being -- or future geneticist -- encoding the information into the genes). And, without it, we wouldn't take the chances or the risks that bring us so much joy (as well as pain) and advance the species. So, painful as it indeed sometimes is... it really is the best way for us to learn. (Which doesn't mean I don't weep and piss and moan when it happens to me same as everybody else; but it's still the best way....)

As for the general topic... depends on how much you, as well as the other person, are willing to respect (and, dare I say it? enjoy) the differences as well as the similarities between you. Some things will always be foreign to one or the other of you; some things you may learn to like and even relish in common; some you'll share to begin with. (While it's true that "opposites attract" quite often, in order for a relationship to work there have to be enough similarities for a decent amount of common ground. Otherwise, once the hormones quiet down you quickly fray each others' nerves to the point of sheer repulsion....) So... like so many things, it depends on the individual.....


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## Pyan (Dec 9, 2007)

j. d. worthington said:


> Otherwise, once the hormones quiet down you quickly fray each others' nerves to the point of sheer repulsion....



Nicely put, jd....and when that happens, it's usually too late to salvage anything......


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## Erin99 (Dec 10, 2007)

Jaire said:


> At the rate I am going I can't afford to say no to anyone. lol.



You read my mind, Jaire.


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## Stormflame (Dec 10, 2007)

Come on people!  You live in the outer reaches of the world..but, there can't be a shortage!!??


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## j d worthington (Dec 10, 2007)

pyan said:


> Nicely put, jd....and when that happens, it's usually too late to salvage anything......


 
This is, sadly, very true.... I've always preferred an "Ours didn't work out, but I wish you well" approach, but it takes two to make _that_ work, as well....


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## Erin99 (Dec 10, 2007)

Citadel said:


> Come on people!  You live in the outer reaches of the world..but, there can't be a shortage!!??



Let me see... I'm looking for an intelligent, thoughtful, kind, honest guy who also will put up with my room full of car models. Not to mention, well, a guy who can put up with _me_. Which is tough, let me tell you. 


I think I lost half of the young population at the word "intelligent".


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## j d worthington (Dec 10, 2007)

Leisha said:


> Let me see... I'm looking for an intelligent, thoughtful, kind, honest guy who also will put up with my room full of car models. Not to mention, well, a guy who can put up with _me_. Which is tough, let me tell you.
> 
> 
> I think I lost half of the young population at the word "intelligent".


 
Mmmmm.... Puts me in mind of a class I took on creative writing in my senior year of high school. In the midst of being scolded for my stuff being so "down", I was asked why I wrote such depressing stuff. I replied: "Because we live in a decadent society." The blank looks weren't enough... someone had to actually ask the question: "What's decadent mean?"

In other words... I take your point.....


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## Erin99 (Dec 10, 2007)

LOL, JD. Trust me, I'm not proud of my peers either. I think each generation loses something (should I add "in the head" here?). 


Hmmm... I should add that I'm joking, btw, before I get a big backlash of txt spkrs logging on to correct me...


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## Joel007 (Dec 10, 2007)

Its nice to have your own things as well as things in common with your significant other. My wife doesn't like SF&F, but she likes Harry Potter!?


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