# Tommy Cooper anyone??



## Pandæmonium (Sep 1, 2001)

I found these. I know who he is, and he's quite funny also. Enjoy!



Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
>The other one says "so are you, you fat bas***d"
>
>Two cannibals eating a clown.
>One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
>
>Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the 
>other was eating fireworks.
>They charged one and let the other one off.
>
>
>A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
>He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
>Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
>'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,'
>Says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
>
>"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 
>'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone juststares at you. But you do the same thing 
>on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
>
>"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and 
>put it in a library.'
>I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
>
>And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were 
>chucking money to him.
>I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
>
>"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me 
>a lift?"
>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
>
>"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
>  So that was nice."
>
>"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'.
>He said Hundreds & thousands?'
>I said 'We'll start with one.'
>He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
>I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
>
>I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
>He said 'To camp?',
>I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
>I said 'I also Want to buy a caravan.'
>He said 'Camper?'
>I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
>
>So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?"
>He said "My dog's died."
>
>"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
>The one I was in went back and forwards.
>  I thought 'This is unusual'.
>And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
>
>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's 
>speaking please?'
>And a voice said 'You are.'"
>
>So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming 
>baths?'
>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>
>"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
>He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>
>"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
>And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>It's either my mum or my dad.
>Or my older brother Colin.
>Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>But I think it's Colin."
>
>"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he 
>said 'You've been promoted.'
>And I swerved.
>And then he rang up second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
>And I swerved again.
>He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
>And I went into a tree.
>And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
>And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
>


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## jsc (Sep 1, 2001)

Hi DEL!

Tommy Cooper must me a British Comedian!  Some of these jokes are really funny!  Are you in a joke  posting war iwth OMEGA_Weapon?


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## Pandæmonium (Sep 1, 2001)

Hi JSC. 

I'm havin a sorat war over jokes with him. But all in the name of good. We're M8's, so we share em sometimes. And yeah, Tommy Cooper is quite funny. He's dead now though i think.


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## DCBastien (Sep 2, 2001)

jsc yes he was british. he did silly magic tricks that went wrong and wore a fez:Crazy: go figure us


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## Pandæmonium (Sep 2, 2001)

Ya. That FEZ was kewl, lol! His magic was ok too!


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## Neo (Sep 2, 2001)

Tommy cooper was one of the funiest comedians going in the uk.... made a lot of people laugh....

Some good jokes there DEL...


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## Pandæmonium (Sep 3, 2001)

Cheerz Neo!


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## jsc (Sep 3, 2001)

Thanks for keeping me informed about Tommy Cooper... He had some great jokes and it seems an original mind!  

so many comedians seem to have bitten the dust.... that is sad!


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## DCBastien (Sep 3, 2001)

great comics are always mourned :*(


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## Pandæmonium (Sep 3, 2001)

ya...*Raises a glass* For Tommy Cooper. His laughter will remain with in us!


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## Dave (Sep 3, 2001)

He actually died on stage, I guess he would have liked to go that way!


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## DCBastien (Sep 3, 2001)

well i didn't know that.... yeah i guess. was there a docu on him recently...?


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## Pandæmonium (Sep 3, 2001)

On Stage? Well, i suppose that's a fitting end for a stage performer. The crowd musta been shocked tho!


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## OMEGA_Weapon (Sep 3, 2001)

Yes very shocked!!


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## Pandæmonium (Oct 19, 2001)

New ones, sehr funny! !

<color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>>>

>>TOMMY COOPER AT HIS BEST ..................

>>

>>Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

>>The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

>>

>>  Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

>>  Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it.

>>

>>  "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."  "That sounds

>>like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

>>

>>  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.

>>  The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

>>

>>  A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there

>>  anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at

>>  him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

>>  Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."  "What? Because he's

>>  cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

>>

>>  Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my

>>backside."

>>  "How's that?"

>>"Don't you start"

>>

>>  "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

>>  "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

>>

>>  Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

>>

>>  What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

>>

>>  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

>>

>>  So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."  I said "Why?" He said

>>"My dog's died.'"

>>

>>  "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

>>'Who's speaking please?'

>>  And a voice said 'You are.'"

>>

>>  "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said

>>  'Is that the local swimming baths?'

>>  He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

>>

>>  "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my

>>  house.'

>>  He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

>>

>>  Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5

>>people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my

>>dad.

>>  Or my older brother Colin.

>>  Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

>>  But I think it's Colin.

>>

>>  So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he

>>  said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

>>And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.

>>And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing

>>  director.'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said

>>'What happened to you?'

>>  And I said 'I careered off the road.

>>

>>  Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in

>>  went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist

>>said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

>>

>>  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give

>>me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for

>>it.'

>>

>>Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."

>>The other one says "so are you, you fat git!!"

>>

>>  Two cannibals eating a clown.One says to the other "Does this taste

>>funny to you?"

>>

>>  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the

>>other was eating fireworks.

>>  They charged one and let the other one off.

>>

>>  "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left

>>  a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

>>

>>  A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a

>>  long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"

>>

>>  A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several

>>  places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

>>

>>  I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

>>

>>  My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you

>>expect from a cross-breed.

>>

>>I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both

>>  got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd

>>  take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

>>

>>  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find

>>any.

>>

>>  I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for

>>the next 2 years.

>


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## Dave (Oct 19, 2001)

That's how I remember him!


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## Pandæmonium (Oct 20, 2001)

Man, some of these r gr8 material. lol!


My FIC parts are up for my FINAL FANTASy FIc. Seem em here! PM me your choice of character if you want to be part of it!


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## Serena (Oct 20, 2001)

LOL, indeed, dat woz funny! 

and died on stage? geez, wot a trooper!


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## Dave (Oct 21, 2001)

It is true, not just an urban legend, if you were wondering.

On 15 April 1984 he collapsed on the stage of Her Majesty's Theatre, London, while appearing in a 'live' television show; indeed, as the curtains closed on him, many viewers imagined his tumble to be part of his clowning. He was taken to Westminster Hospital, where he was adjudged dead.


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## Pandæmonium (Oct 21, 2001)

Ya. My dad was watching that epp too!


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