# MontyPython quote time



## Cloud Strife (Apr 29, 2003)

I just wanted to quote Monty Python


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## Sinistra (Apr 29, 2003)

Oh Cloud Strife.....



Ni!


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## Arc_Angel (Apr 29, 2003)

The Knights who say Ni, demand a sacrifice....

Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods

Ni, ni, ni, ni, ni, ni, ni, ni, ni, ni, ni.....

We will say Ni again to you if you do not appease us

Well what is it that you want

We want a ........ shrubbery  ha ha ha lol


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## timdgreat (Apr 29, 2003)

What is ur name?

King arthur of Camelot.

What is ur quest?

i seek the holy Grail.

What is the air speed velocity of a laden sparrow?

African or European?

What i dont know that, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 :rolly2:


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## sidewinder (Apr 29, 2003)

Arthur approaches an isolated castle guarded by soldiers ( #1 & #2 ) ..... 

S #1: Where'd you get the coconuts? 
A : We found them. 
S #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! 
A : What do you mean? 
S #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. 
A : The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land? 
S #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? 
A : Not at all. They could be carried. 
S #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut? 
A: It could grip it by the husk! 
S #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. 
A: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. 
S #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? 
A: Please! 
S #1: Am I right? 
A: I'm not interested! 
S #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! 
S #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point. 
S #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that. 
A: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! 
S #1: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory. 
S #2: Oh, yeah... 
S #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...


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## greyshades (Apr 30, 2003)

..Always liked the dead parrot skit myself.. XD 

Just don't remember the quotes at the moment..so I will qoute my ICQ (which has a Monty Python: Holy Grail sound scheme on at the moment.):


'I fart in your general direction!' -said with outragous french accent-

 


don't mind my bad spelling..


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## little smaug (Apr 30, 2003)

"From now on i want you to call me 'Loretta'."
"But why do you want to be 'Loretta', Stan?"
"I want to have babies."
"But you can't have babies!"
"Don't you oppress me!"
"I'm not oppressing you, Stan, you haven't got a womb!" :laugh2:


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## nic (Apr 30, 2003)

(From the Holy Grail)

King: "One day my son, all this shall be yours!"
Princes: "What? The curtains?"


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## little smaug (Apr 30, 2003)

One that i'm constantly using in everyday life - 

"He's making it up as he goes along!"


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## nic (Apr 30, 2003)

WOMAN:  Well, 'ow did you become king then?

ARTHUR:  The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!

DENNIS:  Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.  Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR:  Be quiet!

DENNIS:  Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR:  Shut up!

DENNIS:  I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!


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## sidewinder (May 1, 2003)

TIM: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. 
ARTHUR: Where? 
TIM: There! 
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit? 
TIM: It is the rabbit! 
ARTHUR: You silly sod! 
TIM: What? 
ARTHUR: You got us all worked up! 
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. 
ARTHUR: Ohh. 
TIM: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. 
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! 
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer! 
GALAHAD: Get stuffed! 
TIM: He'll do you up a treat mate! 
GALAHAD: Oh, yeah? 
ROBIN: You mangy scots git! 
TIM: I'm warning you! 
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum? 
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones! 
ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off! 
BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!


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## Tabitha (May 1, 2003)

I'm not sure if this is exactly right, but here goes:

"He's not the messiah.  He's a very naughty boy"

LOL


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## Arc_Angel (May 1, 2003)

MORTICIAN:  Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
      Bring out your dead!
      [clang]
CUSTOMER:  Here's one -- nine pence.
  DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
  MORTICIAN:  What?
  CUSTOMER:  Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
  DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
  MORTICIAN:  Here -- he says he's not dead!
  CUSTOMER:  Yes, he is.
  DEAD PERSON:  I'm not!
  MORTICIAN:  He isn't.
  CUSTOMER:  Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
  DEAD PERSON:  I'm getting better!
  CUSTOMER:  No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
  MORTICIAN:  Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
  DEAD PERSON:  I don't want to go in the cart!
  CUSTOMER:  Oh, don't be such a baby.
  MORTICIAN:  I can't take him...
  DEAD PERSON:  I feel fine!
  CUSTOMER:  Oh, do us a favor...
  MORTICIAN:  I can't.
  CUSTOMER:  Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes?  He won't
      be long.
  MORTICIAN:  Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
      today.
  CUSTOMER:  Well, when is your next round?
  MORTICIAN:  Thursday.
  DEAD PERSON:  I think I'll go for a walk.
  CUSTOMER:  You're not fooling anyone y'know.  Look, isn't there
      something you can do?
  DEAD PERSON:  I feel happy... I feel happy.
      [whop]
  CUSTOMER:  Ah, thanks very much.
  MORTICIAN:  Not at all.  See you on Thursday.
  CUSTOMER:  Right.


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## angelle myst (May 1, 2003)

"I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!"



"Run away! Run away!"


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## little smaug (May 1, 2003)

Dennis: Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, Iâ€™m being repressed!

Knight: Iâ€™m invincible!
Arthur: Youâ€™re a loony!

Peasant: She turned me into a newt!
Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: â€¦I got better.

French soldier: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!


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## Arc_Angel (May 1, 2003)

GUARD:  I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper!  I fart in your general direction!  



MINSTREL (singing):  
Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
And his penis--

ROBIN:  That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
Looks like there's dirty work afoot.


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## greyshades (May 1, 2003)

[Scene: pet shop. Mr. Praline walks into the shop carrying a dead parrot in a cage. He walks to counter where shopkeeper tries to hide below cash register.] 
Praline (John): Hello, I wish to register a complaint...Hello? Miss? 
Shopkeeper (Michael): What do you mean, miss? 
Praline: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint. 
Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closing for lunch. 
Praline: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. 
Shopkeeper: Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it? 
Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it. 
Shopkeeper: No, no it's resting, look! 
Praline: Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now. 
Shopkeeper: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting. 
Praline: Resting? 
Shopkeeper: Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful pumage, innit? 
Praline: The plumage don't enter into it -- it's stone dead. 
Shopkeeper: No, no--it's just resting. 
Praline: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot! 
Shopkeeper: (jogging cage) There it moved. 
Praline: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage. 
Shopkeeper: I did not. 
Praline: Yes, you did. (takes parrot out of cage,shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against counter) Polly Parrot,wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead parrot. 
Shopkeeper: No, no it's stunned. 
Praline: Look my lad, I've just about had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was dueto it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk. 
Shopkeeper: It's probably pining for the fjords. 
Praline: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home? 
Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage. 
Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examimimg that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there. 
Shopkeeper: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and VOOM!. 
Praline: Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised. 
Shopkeeper: It's not, it's pining. 
Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot. 
Shopkeeper: Well, I'd better replace it then. 
Praline: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth. 
Shopkeeper: Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots. 
Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture. 
Shopkeeper: I've got a slug. 
Praline: Does it talk? 
Shopkeeper: Not really, no. 
Praline: Well it's scarcely a replacement, then is it? 
Shopkeeper: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you. 
Praline: Bolton, eh. 
Shopkeeper: Yeah. 
Praline: All right. 
[He leaves, holding the parrot. CAPTION: `A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS' Close-up uf sign on door reading: `Similar Pet Shops, Ltd.' Pull back from sign to see same pet shop. Shopkeeper now has moustache. Praline walks into shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty parrot cage still on the floor.] 
Praline: Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it? 
Shopkeeper: No, no it's, er, Ipswich. 
Praline: (to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you. (leaves) 


---Found this on a website..it's my favorite.. I just bout died laughin' when I saw it on tv.  :laugh2:


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## sidewinder (May 2, 2003)

ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! 
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. 
ARTHUR: How does it, um-- how does it work? 
LAUNCELOT: I know not, my liege. 
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments! 
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, verses Nine to Twenty-one. 
SECOND BROTHER: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu-- 
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother. 
SECOND BROTHER: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.' 
MAYNARD: Amen.


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## Arc_Angel (May 2, 2003)

ALL HEADS:  Halt!  Who art thou?
  MINSTREL (singing):  He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
  ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through.
  ALL HEADS:  What do you want?
  MINSTREL (singing):  To fight, and--
  ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir knight.
  ALL HEADS:  I'm afraid not!
  ROBIN:  Ah.  W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
  ALL HEADS:  You're a Knight of the Round Table?
  ROBIN:  I am.
  LEFT HEAD:  In that case I shall have to kill you.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Shall I?
  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, I don't think so.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Well, what do I think?
  LEFT HEAD:  I think kill him.
  RIGHT HEAD:  Well let's be nice to him.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Oh shut up.
  LEFT HEAD:  Perhaps-
  MIDDLE HEAD:  And you.
  LEFT HEAD:  Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, cut your own head off!
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Yes, do us all a favor!
  LEFT HEAD:  What?
  RIGHT HEAD:  Yapping on all the time.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  You're lucky.  You're not next to him.
  LEFT HEAD:  What do you mean?
  MIDDLE HEAD:  You snore.
  LEFT HEAD:  Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
  LEFT HEAD:  All right, all right, all right.  We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
  MIDDLE HEAD:  Yes.
  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, but not biscuits.
  LEFT HEAD:  All right, all right, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
  ALL HEADS:  Right!
  LEFT HEAD:  He buggered off.
  RIGHT HEAD:  So he has, he's scarpered.


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## Trunks (May 2, 2003)

[...CENSORED...]


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## Arc_Angel (May 2, 2003)

GALAHAD:  Zoot!
  DINGO:  No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
  GALAHAD:  Oh, well, excuse me, I--
  DINGO:  Where are you going?
  GALAHAD:  I seek the Grail!  I have seen it, here in this castle!
  DINGO:  No!  Oh, no!  Bad, bad Zoot!
  GALAHAD:  What is it?
  DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!  She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped.  It's not the first time we've had this problem.
  GALAHAD:  It's not the real Grail?
  DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot!  Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon.  You
      must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
  GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
  DINGO:  You must spank her well.  And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like.  And then, spank me.
  VARIOUS GIRLS:  And spank me.
      And me.
      And me.
  DINGO:  Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
  GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
  DINGO:  And after the spanking, the oral sex.
  GIRLS:  Oral sex!  Oral sex!
  GALAHAD:  Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
  LAUNCELOT:  Sir Galahad!
  GALAHAD:  Oh, hello.
  LAUNCELOT:  Quick!
  GALAHAD:  What?
  LAUNCELOT:  Quick!
  GALAHAD:  Why?
  LAUNCELOT:  You're in great peril!
  LAUNCELOT:  Silence, foul temptress!
  GALAHAD:  Now look, it's not important.
  LAUNCELOT:  Quick!  Come on and we'll cover your escape!
  GALAHAD:  Look, I'm fine!
  LAUNCELOT:  Come on!
  GALAHAD:  Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
  DINGO:  Yes!  Let him tackle us single-handed!
  GIRLS:  Yes!  Tackle us single-handed!
  LAUNCELOT:  No, Sir Galahad, come on!
  GALAHAD:  No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
  DINGO:  Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
  GIRLS:  Yes, yes!
  GALAHAD:  Wait!  I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred and fifty of them!
  DINGO:  Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
  GIRLS:  Yes, yes.
      [boom]
  DINGO:  Oh, s**t.

hee hee


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## little smaug (May 2, 2003)

> As cunning as a fox thats just passed a degree in cunning and is head of cunning at oxford university


Ain't that blackadder?


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## nic (May 2, 2003)

> _Originally posted by little smaug _
> *
> Ain't that blackadder? *



Yeh that's was I thought, still Blackadder is full of great quotes too 


Anyway, no one has posted the Lumberjack song yet!:

*I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay. 
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES: 
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. 
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER: 
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch. 
I go to the lavatory. 
On Wednesdays I go shoppin' 
And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES: 
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch. 
He goes to the lavatory. 
On Wednesdays he goes shopping 
And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. 
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER: 
I cut down trees. I skip and jump. 
I like to press wild flowers. 
I put on women's clothing 
And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES: 
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps. 
He likes to press wild flowers. 
He puts on women's clothing 
And hangs around in bars?!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. 
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER: 
I cut down trees. I wear high heels, 
Suspendies, and a bra. 
I wish I'd been a girlie, 
Just like my dear Papa.

MOUNTIES: 
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels, 
Suspendies, and a bra?!

[talking] 
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My! !...

[singing] 
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. 
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay. 
He sleeps all night and he works all day.*

I like the version where Connie Booth (the Lumberjacks girlfriend) starts crying as the truth dawn on her and at the end she tearfully whails "Oh Melvin! And I thought you were so rugged!" and runs of set.


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## Trunks (May 3, 2003)

~deletes the post~
erm it was never there.....


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## Steffi (May 5, 2003)

I just love Mont Python......

"We are the Knights who say Ni..."

"You cannot pass unless you bring us a.........shrubbery"


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## little smaug (May 5, 2003)

"A nice one. And not too expensive."


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## Arc_Angel (May 5, 2003)

ARTHUR:  Old crone!  Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery!
      [dramatic chord]
  CRONE:  Who sent you?
  ARTHUR:  The Knights Who Say Nee.
  CRONE:  Agh!  No!  Never!  We have no shrubberies here.
  ARTHUR:  If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... `nee'.
  CRONE:  Agh!  Do your worst!
  ARTHUR:  Very well!  If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
  CRONE:  No!  Never!  No shrubberies!
  ARTHUR:  Nee!
  BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Noo!
  ARTHUR:  No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
  BEDEMIR:  Noo!
  ARTHUR:  No, no -- 'nee'.  You're not doing it properly.
  BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Nee!
  ARTHUR:  That's it, that's it, you've got it.
  ARTHUR and BEDEMIR:  Nee!  Nee!
  ROGER:  Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
  ARTHUR:  Um, yes.
  ROGER:  Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `nee' at will to old ladies.  There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred.  Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
  ARTHUR:  Did you say `shrubberies'?
  ROGER:  Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber.  My name is Roger the Shrubber.  I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
  BEDEMIR:  Nee!
  ARTHUR:  No!  No, no, no!  No!

hee hee   :laugh: :laugh2:
*has fallen on the floor from laughing


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## Steffi (May 5, 2003)

Can't think of anything I to have fell off my chair laughing with tears rolling down my cheeks

 :laugh: :laugh2: :rotate:


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## Arc_Angel (May 5, 2003)

ARTHUR:  O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery.  May we go now?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  It is a good shrubbery.  I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
  ARTHUR:  What is that?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
  RANDOM:  Nee!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Shh shh.  We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
  RANDOM:  Nee!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Therefore, we must give you a test.
  ARTHUR:  What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Nee?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
      [dramatic chord]
  ARTHUR:  Not another shrubbery!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
  RANDOM:  A path!  A path!  Nee!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
      [dramatic chord]
  ARTHUR:  We shall do no such thing!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh, please!
  ARTHUR:  Cut down a tree with a herring?  It can't be done.
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Don't say that word.
  ARTHUR:  What word?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
      the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
  ARTHUR:  How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
  ARTHUR:  What, `is'?
  HEAD KNIGHT:  No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
      saying `is'.
  BEDEMIR:  My liege, it's Sir Robin!
  MINSTREL (singing):  Packing it in and packing it up
                       And sneaking away and buggering up
                       And chickening out and ****ing about
                       Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
  ARTHUR:  Oh, Robin!
  ROBIN:  My liege!  It's good to see you!
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  He said the word!
  ARTHUR:  Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
  MINSTREL (singing):  He is sneaking away and buggering up--
  ROBIN:  Shut up!  No, no no-- far from it.
  HEAD KNIGHT:  He said the word again!
  ROBIN:  I was looking for it.
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
  ROBIN:  Uh, here, here in this forest.
  ARTHUR:  No, it is far from--
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Aaaaugh!  Stop saying the word!
  ARTHUR:  Oh, stop it!
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh!  He said it again!
  ARTHUR:  Patsy!
  HEAD KNIGHT:  Aaugh!  I said it!  I said it!  Ooh!  I said it again!
  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  :laugh:

*Is still on the floor laughing soo hard*


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## meaghan_maxwell (May 9, 2003)

monty pythonness.Yay.The best is the rabbit part from Holy grail.or the coconuts.YAY!


Get back here and fight you coward
But I've cut off your arms
t'is but a mere flesh wound!


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## little smaug (May 9, 2003)

Arthur: Flesh wound? Your arms off!
Knight: <pause> I've had worse.
Arthur: You liar!


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## Steffi (May 9, 2003)

Spam spam spam spam,
Spam spam spam spam!!


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## greyshades (May 10, 2003)

Rat cake.
Rat pudding.
Rat sorbet.....


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## little smaug (May 10, 2003)

> Spam spam spam spam,
> Spam spam spam spam!!


Wonderful spam!!!


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## Arc_Angel (May 12, 2003)

ARTHUR:  Just keep me covered.
  TIM:  Too late!
      [chord]
  ARTHUR:  What?
  TIM:  There he is!
  ARTHUR:  Where?
  TIM:  There!
  ARTHUR:  What, behind the rabbit?
  TIM:  It is the rabbit!
  ARTHUR:  You silly sod!  You got us all worked up!
  TIM:  Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.  That's the most foul, cruel,
      and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
  ROBIN:  You tit!  I soiled my armor I was so scared!
  TIM:  Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a
      killer!
  KNIGHT:  Get stuffed!
  TIM:  It'll do you a trick, mate!
  KNIGHT:  Oh, yeah?
  ROBIN:  You mangy Scot git!
  TIM:  I'm warning you!
  ROBIN:  What's he do, nibble your bum?
  TIM:  He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
  ARTHUR:  Go on, Boris.  Chop his head off!
  BORIS:  Right!  Silly little bleeder.  One rabbit stew comin' right up!

Ha ha, the best bit of the Holy Grail   :laugh:


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## RJM Corbet (May 24, 2011)

From Faulty Towers (is that ok?):

Guest: Mr Faulty, I don't like the view from my window.

Basil: Well, that's Torquay. That's the view of Torquay. What do you want: lions and elephants and zebras running around all over the place?


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## Boneman (May 24, 2011)

That is one heck of a bumped thread... Where d'you find it? 

"She has travelled. She's from Purley."
"Say no more!!! Purley squire, famous place. Say no more." 

RJM, are you getting younger every day? Your avatar certainly seems to be...


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## Chaoticheart (May 24, 2011)

Man: Inspector, inspector.        
Inspector: Uh huh.        
Man: I'm terribly sorry but I was sitting on a park bench  over there, took my coat off for a minute and then I found my wallet had  been stolen and £15 taken from it.        
Inspector: Well did you er, did you see anyone take it, anyone hanging around or...        
Man: No no, there was no one there at all. That's the trouble.        
Inspector: Well there's not very much we can do about that, sir.        
Man: Do you want to come back to my place?        
Inspector: ... Yeah all right.


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## Boneman (May 24, 2011)

"An argument is a series of statements intended to establish a proposition. It's not just saying 'no, it isn't' "
"Yes it is."
"No it isn't!" 


Also: from the same sketch, one used frequently by my wife and I: "Is this the five-minute argument or the full half-hour?"


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## Vladd67 (May 24, 2011)

Bet you weren't expecting this

Reg: Trouble at t'mill. 
Lady M: Oh, no! What sort of trouble? 
Reg: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on't treddle. 
Lady M: Pardon? 
Reg: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on't treddle. 
Lady M: I don't understand what you're saying. 
Reg: One of the cross beams has gone out of skew on the treadle. 
Lady M: Well, what on earth does that mean? 
Reg: I don't know! - Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition! 
 [the door flies open and in come three Cardinals in red robes] 
Cardinal Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise!... Surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency! Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our four... no... Amongst our weapons... Hmf... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surpr... I'll come in again. 
 [They leave] 
Reg: [gamely] I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. 
 [They burst in again] 
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!... Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!


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## clovis-man (May 24, 2011)

And now for something completely different.

_or, if you prefer_:

You probably noticed that I didn't say, "And now for something completely different," just now. This is simply because, I am unable to appear in the show this week. Sorry to interrupt.


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## RJM Corbet (May 24, 2011)

Basil: Manuel, go get me a hammer.
Manuel: Que?
Basil: A HAMMER ...
Manuel: Eh? A hammer sandwich?


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## Boneman (May 24, 2011)

When I lectured in Barcelona recently, I actually said "You'll have to forgive him - he's from Madrid." 

And the Catalans understood it!! Not strictly speaking Monty Python, but Fawlty Towers is still John Cleese...


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## J-Sun (May 24, 2011)

Cleese as Praline (inspecting a candy company), Jones as Milton (candy company guy), Chapman as Parrot (assistant inspector).

*Praline*: Next we have number four, 'Crunchy Frog'.
*Milton*: Ah, yes.
*Praline*: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?
*Milton*: Yes. A little one.
*Praline*: What sort of frog?
*Milton*: A dead frog.
*Praline*: Is it cooked?
*Milton*: No.
*Praline*: What, a raw frog?
_Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy._
*Milton*: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from
Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then
sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate
envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.
*Praline*: That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
*Milton*: What else?
*Praline*: Well don't you even take the bones out?
*Milton*: If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it?
*Praline*: Superintendent Parrot ate one of those.
*Parrot*: Excuse me a moment. _(exits hurriedly)_
*Praline*: Well, the Superintendent thought it was an almond whirl.
People won't expect there to be a frog in there. They're bound to think it's
some sort of mock frog.
*Milton*: _(insulted) _Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives
or additives of any kind!
*Praline*: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete
the words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the legend, 'crunchy raw
unboned real dead frog' if you want to avoid prosecution.


"a little one" - "lightly killed" - "wouldn't be crunchy would it?" - "some sort of mock frog" - "crunchy raw unboned real dead frog" *rofl*


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## RJM Corbet (May 29, 2011)

He's from Barcelona [sshhh...]


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## J Riff (May 29, 2011)

Man: You do a lot of acting, do you?
Indian: Yes. Redfoot tribe live by hunting and acting.
Man: You don't fight any more?
Indian: Yes! Redfoot make war! When Chief Yellow Snake was leader, and Mighty Eagle was in land of forefather, we fight Pawnee at Oxbow Crossing. When Pawnee steal our rehearsal copies of 'Reluctant Debutante' we kill fifty Pawnee - house heap full every night. Heap good publicity.
_The lights dim, audience chatter subsides_
_Cut to stage, house manager walks out._
House Manager: Ladies and Gentlemen, before the play starts, I would like to apologize to you all, but Miss Cicely Courtneidge is unable to appear, owing to-
_He is suddenly struck in the chest by one arrow, then another. He crumbles to the ground revealing a half-dozen arrows in his back. The air is filled with war whoops, drums and screams. Cut to a working class kitchen._
Mum (reading newspaper) D'you read that Edgar?
Dad: What's that dear?
Mum: There's been another Indian massacre at Dorking Civic Theater.


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## Ice fyre (May 1, 2013)

I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights

But only when they are red

I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights 
I like trafic lights

But not when they are amber

I like traff...oh sod it ...whats the point

I never wanted to do this...I always wanted to be a LUMBERJACK leaping from tree to tree with ma best gurl bai ma siade, I would sing sing sing!


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## BetaWolf (May 1, 2013)

One of my all-time favorite sketches. Beautiful in its simplicity:

    Voiceover: This man is no ordinary man. This is Mr. F G Superman. To all appearances, he looks like any other law-abiding citizen. But Mr F G Superman has a secret identity. When trouble strikes at any time, at any place, he is ready to become... BICICLE REPAIR MAN! 
 Boy: Hey, there's a bicycle broken, up the road. 
 Bicycle Repair Man: Hmmmmm. This sounds like a job for... Bicycle Repair Man.                     But how to change without revealig my secret identity? 
 Superman 1: If only Bicycle Repair Man were here! 
 Bicycle Repair Man: Yes, wait, I think I know where I can find him.                     Look over there! 
 Caption: FLASH! 
 Supermen 1-3: Bicycle Repair Man, but how? 
 Superman 1: Oh look... is it a stockbroker? 
 Superman 2: Is it a quantity Surveyor? 
 Superman 3: Is it a church warden? 
 Supermen 1-3: NO! It's Bicycle Repair Man! 
 Superman In Need: MY! Bicycle Repair Man! Thank goodness you've come! Look! 
 Caption:
 Clink!
	 Screw!
	 Bend!
	 Inflate!
	 Alter Saddle! 
 Superman 2: Why, he's mending it with his own hands! 
 Superman 1: Se how he uses a spanner to tighten that nut! 
 Superman In Need: Oh, Oh Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repay you? 
 Bicycle Repair Man: Oh, you don't need to guv. It's all in a days work for...                     Bicycle Repair Man! 
 Supermen 1-3: Our Hero! 
 Voiceover: Yes! whenever bicycles are broken, or menaced by international            communism, Bicycle Repair Man is ready!


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## Gordian Knot (May 1, 2013)

No-ONE ExSPECTS! The Spanish Inquisition!!!!!


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## B Bat (Aug 27, 2013)

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay. I sleep all night and I work all day.
He's a lumberjack and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea.
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch. He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea.
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay. I sleep all night and I work all day.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wildflowers.
I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps. He likes to press wildflowers.
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars?
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
(He's a lumberjack and he's okay)
I sleep all night and I work all day
(He sleeps all night and he works all day)
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie just like my dear papa.
He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.


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## Alex The G and T (Aug 27, 2013)

Help! Help!  I'm being Oppressed!


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## Starbeast (Aug 27, 2013)

*Monty Python - The Visitors*

(door bell rings)

Man: Who the hell is that?

Arthur: I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along.

Man: Look. We were going to have a quiet evening on our own.

Arthur: They won't mind, they're very broad minded.

Brian: Good Evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like around the middle of the Earth, only with an "L". 

(Equator couple lol)

Brian: This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit, but she has a heart of gold.

(Equator couple lol)

Man: There must be some kind of misunderstanding, because this is number 41...

Brain: Who's that then? (points) Who's the bird? (approaches woman) You've got a nice pair there, haven't you love? Give us a kiss.

(woman screams)

Brian: Shut up ya silly *****. It's only a bit of fun.

Man: Now-now look here!

Brain: Ah, straight gin please.

Arthur: I'll get it.

Man: Look! Leave those drinks alone!

Audrey: And three cans of beans for me please.

Brain: I told you to lay off the beans, you *****!

Audrey: I only want THREE CANS!

Brain: Button your lip, ya rat-bag!

(Equator couple lol)

Brian: Was rather witty, wasn't it? (laughs) Where's my gin? 

(door bell rings) Man: What the hell's that?

Brian: Oh. I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along. Has his first wife passed away, and he's somewhat distraught. Poor chap. I hope you don't mind.

(caped man enters) OMG, what a simple ghastly place.

Brain: Yeah. It's not too good is it. A pint of Crim-de-mon for my friend! Well, how are you are great ****? (Brian sits on chair) Bit lumpy. Ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat.

(Woman moans in anguish)

Caped man: I brought along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up.

Brian: Is ne sexy then?

Old man: (spits) I had to bring the goat, he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet. (laughs)

Brain: (approaches woman again) Come on love, drop em'.

(Woman screams and runs off)

Brian: Blimy. She doesn't go much does she? (sits on chair, it breaks)

Audrey: (lol) Oh, I wet em'.

Old man: Oh! The goat's done it. By naught.

(more people enter home)

Man: GET OUT ALL OF YOU! GO ON, GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!

Brian: I beg your pardon?

Man: I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts. Now look, I'm giving you just half minute, then I'm going to call the police. So get out!

Brian: I don't much like the tone of your voice. (pulls out gun and shoots man)

Man: (screams and falls)

Brian: (looks at crowd in house) Let's have a ding-dong. (everybody sings)


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## StormSeeker (Aug 28, 2013)

The Fish Licence scene kills me: 

Shopkeeper: A what?

C: A license for my pet fish, Eric.

S: How did you know my name was Eric?

C: No no no, my fish's name is Eric, Eric the fish. He's an halibut.

S: What?

C: He is...an...halibut.


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