# Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)



## J Riff (Dec 18, 2010)

This was just on - and I couldn't help it.... This is so you won't have to watch it. There's a solid hour of really cheesy jokes left out... These, then, are the highlights, of:

 
 SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS
 
 Opening credits - Real 60s pop cheez music _- Hooray for Santy Claus_! Geez, Pia Zadora. Who knew!?
We start with a TV interview with Santa Claus... direct from the North Pole.
Santa is smoking a pipe. Mrs. Claus seems nice... 
The Elves are working with planes and saws... making toy rockets... and Martians!

Meanwhile, on Mars... they are eating food pills.. the children are in bad shape, confused..they spend all day watching Earth TV. The Martian kids have antennae and are hyper. The adults have to use 'sleep-spray' on the kids because of the darn Earth TV shows!
The Martians consult the ancient one - 800 yrs. old...he complains about the robotic programming of the martian children...making them adults before they are ready... _we need a Santa Claus on Mars!_! (thunder FX- old one disappears)
"_We will capture this Santa, and bring him to Mars. We leave for Earth tonite! Prepare spaceship number one!
_Using Magnascopes, Santa is searched for. But where is he..? _It's like looking for a speck of space-dust in a comet's tail...waitaminit..I see him!"
_The Martian UFO is spotted - The president activates 'retaliatory units' (stock shots of rockets and jets)

"_Lower landing legs. Landing legs lowered_!"
The Martians sneak up on some earth kids... bad jokes about the Martian antennae.."_Are you a television set_?"
The kids are taken to the North Pole. (many more shots of cool jets.)
The Martians activate Torg_! - We are taking no chances! Nothing can stop Torg! 
_The children have escaped.. to warn Santa! _I'll put Torg on their trail!
_A guy in a bear suit ...is... no that's sposed to be real bear! Torg is a Robot and he is really cheezy. He catches the kids.
"_You won't get away with this, you ... you .... Martian!"
_ 
 Santa treats Torg like a toy..... Torg becomes a toy and won't grab Santa! The elves have baseball bats but a paralyser ray takes care of them. Front page of paper - "Santa kidnapped by Martians." 
The world unites to try and save Santa. (More stock Rockets)
Real dialogue, martian crew members _> What's soft and puffy and you toast it in a fire, and it's green?"
A martianmellow! _Really.

 The bad martian guy tries to jettison Santa and the kids into space. But Santa and kids escape through a tiny air duct! Supernatural power! The Santashapeshifter!
Santa meets the Martian children... he laughs... they laugh...everyone laughs. The Martian brats have never laughed before. They go to sleep without using the sleep-spray.
Santa must set up an automated toy shop on Mars. He is informed that he will never return to Earth. He is protected by motion-detector disintegrators. A joke about the new _Slinky_ toy... is that Shemp from the 3 Stooges?! May as well be. Cheeezy organ music.....
Santa makes remarks denigrating technology. The toy shop wires get crossed resulting in weird toys like in toy story. 
_This never happened when we made toys by hand. 
_The Martians open 'The Nuclear curtain"...? which is ... if you walk thru it you are disintegrated... 
The bad Martians have kidnapped the goofy Martian, who is wearing Santa's spare suit.
_ 
"Santa Claus has powers that you don't know about!!"
_ 
Santa booby-traps the toy-machine... the kids attack the Martians with toys... throwing stuff at them ... shooting ping pong balls... oh geeee.. tha's enough... after much Ho-hohHoing... the goofy martian replaces Santa. The real Santa and the kids are sent back to Earth with salutations from the good martians.... ending with a lotta Ho Ho hos...
_Hooray for Santy Claus! _plays.... Mercifully - The End. A Jalor Production. 
Holy cow! Now the Wolfman is on!


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## Dave (Dec 18, 2010)

I loved this when I was very, very young. For years I never knew the title, or could ever find it on TV again. Then when I finally did... well, either it didn't age well, or I had grown up too much.


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## clovis-man (Dec 19, 2010)

I have a DVD of it. And I'm not even ashamed. IIRC, it was featured on MST3K some years ago.


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## J Riff (Dec 20, 2010)

I hafta say - that MST went on too long. Too much poo-poo jokes. The first half-dozen, fine...but now nobody watches the originals anymore, and all the MST's are the same level of collegy bodily function jokes...
 They do catch all the main points...but 'tis still much more fun to watch it yourself, instead of the stupid robots using every one-liner in the book. So there.
 Now, I'm going to watch_ Beast of Yucca Fla_ts - unedited!


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## clovis-man (Dec 21, 2010)

Yeah. And I think I'll do the same with *Robot Monster*.


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