# Worst book covers



## Brian G Turner

I happened across a picture of the old cover for Robert Jordan's "Lords of Chaos" - and was reminded that I always found this to be one of the worst fantasy covers _ever_.

I dare anyone to best the accolade of worst cover ever. I mean, just look: the man in the white shirt - is he doing an Elvis impression, or is he a dazed country and western singer desperate for the toilet?







Good to see hos covers getting a proper revamp - there's a nice image here which shows the old ones alongside the newer UK and US versions:

http://worldofcovers.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/robertjordanbs_wheeloftime1.jpg

So, any more terrible covers? 

Oh, wait - I just remembered some of those random looking Lovecraft ones ... !


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## Mouse

Ha! Yep. This was posted on Twitter.


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## Darth Angelus

I said:


> I happened across a picture of the old cover for Robert Jordan's "Lords of Chaos" - and was reminded that I always found this to be one of the worst fantasy covers _ever_.
> 
> I dare anyone to best the accolade of worst cover ever. I mean, just look: the man in the white shirt - is he doing an Elvis impression, or is he a dazed country and western singer desperate for the toilet?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Good to see hos covers getting a proper revamp - there's a nice image here which shows the old ones alongside the newer UK and US versions:
> 
> http://worldofcovers.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/robertjordanbs_wheeloftime1.jpg
> 
> So, any more terrible covers?
> 
> Oh, wait - I just remembered some of those random looking Lovecraft ones ... !


Hehe, yeah, I, Brian, I very much agree that that book cover is _terrible_.

My personal vote would go to the next book's cover, _A Crown of Swords_, but really, that entire series has REALLY BAD covers.

I think the character on this image looks even sillier.


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## Victoria Silverwolf

Blurred photograph of a cheap plastic model of the Enterprise?


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## HareBrain

I cannot, just cannot understand how those original US covers of Wheel of Time got anywhere near the printers. Not only are they badly executed, they're almost entirely devoid of drama or interest. Was someone trying to sabotage the series?

The UK ones are much safer, but also dull. I do quite like the new US ones though.

Victoria, that is truly terrible.


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## Nerds_feather

HareBrain said:


> I cannot, just cannot understand how those original US covers of Wheel of Time got anywhere near the printers. Not only are they badly executed, they're almost entirely devoid of drama or interest. Was someone trying to sabotage the series?
> 
> The UK ones are much safer, but also dull. I do quite like the new US ones though.
> 
> Victoria, that is truly terrible.



I've always felt book cover design is better in the UK than the US. 

Speaking of bad covers, though, there's a whole mess of them here. 

Also, not sure which edition this conforms to, but it's just...no.


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## Christopher Lee

Well, I guess The Wheel Of Time currently holds the record for worst book covers ever.  Here's a pretty bad one:






With this one it seems like the artwork just isn't great and doesn't _say _anything.

Oh, thanks for the link, I, Brian.  Those new covers look amazing.


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## bluenimbus

what a page of eye sores, ouch!


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## Starbeast

Victoria Silverwolf said:


> Blurred photograph of a cheap plastic model of the Enterprise?


 
I remember seeing that cover a while ago. And it is one of the worst novel covers I've ever seen. Here's another, with a fitting pen name.


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## Lady of Winterfell

Nerds_feather said:


> Also, not sure which edition this conforms to, but it's just...no.


 
This was the first print of the hardcover I believe, and is actually the cover on my copy. I agree wholeheartedly, its pretty bad.  I would never have picked it up if I just saw it in the bookstore. Thankfully I did based on recommendations here. And thankfully they changed the cover. Although, when I had him sign my book a couple weeks ago, he could tell I had been a fan since the beginning based strictly on this cover.


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## Teresa Edgerton

HareBrain said:


> I cannot, just cannot understand how those original US covers of Wheel of Time got anywhere near the printers. Not only are they badly executed, they're almost entirely devoid of drama or interest. Was someone trying to sabotage the series?



I don't think so.  Plenty of fans must be attracted to Darrell K Sweet's style of cover, because he's done so many of them, and why would publishers continue to commission them if they don't work?

I actually like some of his early covers, but it seems like over the years his artwork has become sloppier and sloppier (maybe too _many_ commission to give any of them the time they deserve?), and progressively more boring.  The colors, too, can be so garish.

But still ... they sell books.  I don't know why.

I love the newest covers.  I would buy those books if I didn't already know that I wouldn't like what's inside.


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## Toby Frost

I always get the impression that American and British paperbacks are quite different. American ones seem to be slightly smaller, which is very useful if you want to carry a book around with you, and the covers seem to be rather more Errol Flynn than the British ones, which tend to go for mystery rather than straight depiction. Of course I'm generalising enormously here.

Anyhow, here is a site devoted to absurd cover pictures: http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk

The reason I know about this is because my first book is on it. In fairness, though, when I pointed out that the cover was a well-drawn and literal interpretation of the events of the story, they did retract the comment that it was bad.

http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/2009/09/space-captain-smith/

(And I don't know where they got the idea that that was me dressed up on the cover...)

EDIT: whoops, I hadn't realised that site had been posted earlier.


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## thaddeus6th

I always rather liked your cover.

I wonder if covers that are awful actually end up being useful, in that they attract attention. I think I'd rather have an awful cover then a bland, mediocre one (although obviously Bane of Souls has a fantastic cover and so does Journey to Altmortis).


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## nightdreamer

Toby Frost said:


> Anyhow, here is a site devoted to absurd cover pictures: http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk



A lot of horrible covers there, but several of them I rather liked.  It's all a matter of taste, as they say.  Interestingly, when I was studying how to make a good cover, I ran into some that were supposed to be good, but weren't by any logical definition.  I'm sorry, but if you can barely make out the title and author even at full size because of clever graphics and bizarre fonts, then it's not a good cover.


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## J-Sun

More or less in order of worstness (which is also chronological - they thought they had a good thing going).















A sort of a Tanith in _Day By Night_. And a fish. That _Silver Metal Lover_ is hilarious. Mind-blowing. Something.


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## J-Sun

Other than _SML_, Lee got off lightly compared to Cherryh.

Try to contain your excitement with these two.









And it just doesn't get any sexier than this.








And yet these became huge authors for DAW which goes to show most people must *not* judge books by their covers.

-- Oh, I almost forgot - DAW apparently realized _Serpent's Reach_ was so bad Something Had to Be Done so they "fixed it".






What did they have against that protagonist? At least the BEM looks better.


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## Curt Chiarelli

God may have a mote in his eye, but Pocket Book's art director has double cataracts.






Finally, a gun control issue that everyone can agree on: elephants poaching humans with assault rifles.


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## Darth Angelus

Curt Chiarelli said:


> God may have a mote in his eye, but Pocket Book's art director has double cataracts.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Finally, a gun control issue that everyone can agree on: elephants poaching humans with assault rifles.


Holy crap! Those are ugly covers. LOL


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## Curt Chiarelli

Darth Angelus said:


> Holy crap! Those are ugly covers. LOL



Poor Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle! I wonder how much in royalties they lost by being saddled with _those_ covers. Correct me if I've missed something here, but aren't publishers supposed to encourage the consumer to buy their books, not burn them?






In space no one can hear you die of emphysema.


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## Boneman

I like the smoking one...

LE Modesitt wrote a whole series with appalling covers: can't link them, but if you google 'LE Modesitt book covers' and then press the images button on the left, you'll see some real corkers.


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## Curt Chiarelli

Boneman said:


> I like the smoking one...
> 
> LE Modesitt wrote a whole series with appalling covers: can't link them, but if you google 'LE Modesitt book covers' and then press the images button on the left, you'll see some real corkers.



Yes, that helmet_ is _brilliantly designed with a convenient pop-off screen for those pensive, nicotine-infused moments before our Man-of-Action rescues The Girl from the clutches of a horde of B.E.M.s or some deranged megalomaniac bent on destroying the Earth . . . . 

Let'a face it: the artist was a hack and the guy who hired him cared even less. Which leads me to the next thought . . . .

Am I the only one picking up on a pattern of condescension amongst this endless stream of god-awful artwork? The science fiction, fantasy and horror genres have always been treated like a literary ghetto by the American publishing industry and nowhere is this attitude more apparent than in these shoddy covers. Sure, things improved after *Star Wars* proved the genre could be a cash cow, but the stigma lingers on like a musty odour.

On the topic of Mr. Modesitt's covers, I see many Darrell K. Sweet illustrations represented. I respectfully disagree with the verdict of some folks on this thread about Mr. Sweet's art. Yes, his characters are a little strange looking, but that is stylistically intentional. I agree that some of his later stuff lacks dramatic tension, but I see this disagreement largely as a mere divergence in taste, nothing more. As we've seen, there are_ far _worse transgressors operating out there in the cold vacuum of the publishing industry.


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## Bick

I think I'm with the majority - having checked out lots of these covers by Sweet, I've reached a personal conclusion that they are uniformly awful!  I think Sweet clearly struggled when it came to drawing people.  I'm astonished he was commissioned so often.  His landscapes and architectural backdrops are fine.  

Interestingly, I came across a Jack Vance cover that reminded me of the first cover that I, Brian posted, regards the standing man in a shirt.  Except in this picture, there's a sense of animation and tension in the figure.  The contrast is startling: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10791046-dangerous-ways


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## Vertigo

My personal worst covers are Jack Campbells Lost Fleet covers - the American ones:





This is a book about the admiral of a space fleet who never leaves the flagship and (as far as I remember) never actually picks up a gun. The UK cover is a bit more meaningful:


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## J-Sun

Excellent example. The UK cover is kind of blandly conventional, but fine - the US covers drive me nuts. Not just bad or wrong, but bad _and_ wrong.


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## Vertigo

Yeah there were some USA based people on here specifically stated they hadn't tried those books purely because of the covers! Interesting to note that I did have a short email conversation with Jack Campbell (well John Hemry actually) and he also preferred the UK covers and hated the USA ones, but apparently the publishers weren't particularly interested in his opinion on them. I believe they also had the final say on the book titles as well.


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## MontyCircus

When I saw the title this immediately sprung to mind.  Surely this is the worst Wheel of Time cover.  Everything is crooked and it looks like an 8 year-old drew it.  I laughed out loud the first time I saw it in the bookstore...


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## Krayhayft

Starbeast said:


> I remember seeing that cover a while ago. And it is one of the worst novel covers I've ever seen. Here's another, with a fitting pen name.


That picture reminds me of this redhead I dated.


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## Nerds_feather

This one is just...well, consider the source material, but still...


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## Nerds_feather

Poor David Weber...


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## Nerds_feather

Another Baen "classic" cover


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## CrumpleHornedSnorkak

These are hilarious! 'The Mote in God's Eye' has to be my favourite. The facial expression of the... (is it an alien?) is brilliant. Where do they find these artists??


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## Nerds_feather

Another temporary lapse of reason:


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## HoopyFrood

Hah, poor Wheel of Time covers. I had the first book with the lame cover and because I'm That Kind of Person who hates having a series with mixed styles, every time I buy the next one, it has to be with those style of covers. They're...unique, at least


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## Nerds_feather

YES.


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## Nerds_feather

I love Kate Elliot's writing, but...oh god:


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## Victoria Silverwolf

Photographic covers for futuristic novels are rarely a good idea.


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## Dave

The question must be: why are there so many examples here of bad artwork? Surely, there must be as many struggling artists out there as there are struggling writers, all who would die for a break. Or, is that the reason: did the writer just ask their 'mate' to do it? 'You could draw better than me at school, do this cover and I'll buy you a drink.'

I can't see things improving with photographs though. if you use a favourite search engine and look for 'photoshop disasters', then you'll see what I mean - even among professional, well-paid marketing campaigns.


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## Rodders

Perhaps it shows a publisher's attitude towards our genre?


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## thaddeus6th

Nerds Feather, I have The Caverns of Kalte! [For reasons which are strange and mysterious I actually have two copies].

Early Lone Wolf books did have ropey covers, but they were tremendous fun.


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## Venusian Broon

I thought they'd be a dedicate place for displaying the worst book covers that SF can offer - and I have at least found one:

http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/

So If you have an hour or two to waste...


...I've already discovered 'unimaginable demensions' on page 2...


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## JunkMonkey

Victoria Silverwolf said:


> Blurred photograph of a cheap plastic model of the Enterprise?



I can tell you, having read _Galaxy 666_, that the cover is better than the contents deserve.


And the link http://worldofcovers.files.wordpress...eeloftime1.jpg
Had me mind going for a minute.  "The Eel of Time".  I like it.  It has possibilities.


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## Victoria Silverwolf

A while back I saw a few Stephen King novels with really awful covers.  Here's one.


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## Nounboy

I wonder if anyone collects bad book covers for the sake of bad book covers, the way some people collect really bad album covers for the sake of the art. Could make a nice library, or sub-collection.


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## JunkMonkey

Nounboy said:


> I wonder if anyone collects bad book covers for the sake of bad book covers, the way some people collect really bad album covers for the sake of the art. Could make a nice library, or sub-collection.



Almost certainly. Think of it as a sort of modified Rule 34: if it exists; somebody out there is collecting it.


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## Erin99

Somehow I missed this thread...




I said:


> I happened across a picture of the old cover for Robert Jordan's "Lords of Chaos" - and was reminded that I always found this to be one of the worst fantasy covers _ever_.
> 
> I dare anyone to best the accolade of worst cover ever. I mean, just look: the man in the white shirt - is he doing an Elvis impression, or is he a dazed country and western singer desperate for the toilet?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Good to see hos covers getting a proper revamp - there's a nice image here which shows the old ones alongside the newer UK and US versions:
> 
> http://worldofcovers.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/robertjordanbs_wheeloftime1.jpg
> 
> So, any more terrible covers?
> 
> Oh, wait - I just remembered some of those random looking Lovecraft ones ... !



What I find hilarious about the cover is that, um, the dragkhar in the sky doesn't even feature in the book, and the swooning Aes Sedai would probably rather burn herself out than swoon at a man who could channel. I suppose she's trying to warn Rand of the dragkhar, but it looks very cheesy.

The cover is one of my favs, too, purely for how horrendous it is. Then again, most of the covers are bad - mullets, wrong hair colours, a Dark One with purple rollers in his hair, Perrin looking like Conan, men standing in awkward poses, trollocs that look like men in masks, Perrin looking like an old man, a Crown of Swords that is on upside-down (I could go on) - which is why I wish I had the ebook versions instead - those are stunning (except for the first book, which looks like it could be a cover of a nautical romance). I do love Sweet's horses and backgrounds, though - amazing.

And thanks for the cover collage - it's great to finally see all the editions together: http://worldofcovers.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/robertjordanbs_wheeloftime1.jpg


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## HoopyFrood

It took me a good few books to realise they were supposed to be Trollocs. I was always like, "who are these shifty guys supposed to be?"

Bill with his curlers is definitely my favourite, though


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## Erin99

That's another fav of mine, too - the purple rollers are very fetching with the purple robe and flamey eyes and mouth: http://www.phombo.com/art/hq-wallpapers-collection-fantasy-art/558065/full/

I also get a chuckle from seeing how horrendous Loial is on the second cover. Loial is cute in my head.


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## thaddeus6th

Here's a meta-question, as it were: is a bad cover really a good cover?

A cover's job is to get attention. In car terms, I've heard about Moscovics[sp] because they're phenomenally bad. I also know about the Bugatti Veyron for rather opposite reasons. But a middle of the range bland, so-so car from 20 years ago is something of which I know nothing whatsoever.


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## Bob Whitely

Wow, even more bad covers than I remember! Some good - er  bad finds here. I have an anthology coming out Dec. 2014 - sure hope mine turns out better than these! i'll do my best. 

I've noticed that many bad covers were on old books (yeah recent ones too, but just saying') which makes me wonder. There were great artists back then, just as there are now, so why so many bad ones? Could perceptions have changed? 
(obviously printing tech improved) could it be editorial priorities have changed? I'm not even talking about fonts right now. Why was really bad art even allowed? Did budgets increase for covers at some point, based on research? 

I know some impact was made by books being sold online (the need for covers to not look too horrible when down way small. Maybe this goes beyond the OP, if so, sorry! Next chance I get, I'll track down some bad covers.


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## JunkMonkey

Bob Whitely said:


> I've noticed that many bad covers were on old books (yeah recent ones too, but just saying') which makes me wonder. There were great artists back then, just as there are now, so why so many bad ones? Could perceptions have changed?
> (obviously printing tech improved) could it be editorial priorities have changed? I'm not even talking about fonts right now. Why was really bad art even allowed? Did budgets increase for covers at some point, based on research?



Tastes _have_ changed but I suspect that older bad covers appear more often here because they have had longer to get spotted.   Over the years there is a tendency for mediocre crud to evaporate from the collective conciousness leaving the interestingly good and interestingly bad stuff to become more obvious.

Time I think to wheel out my visual aid:





x axis = volume of work.  y axis = quality


As I say, time passes and the crud just gets neglected (swamped by the never-ending spew of new crud) and the really interesting s*** just gets more and more interesting the older it gets as it is slowly shorn of its context. 

Modern interesting s*** isn't as obvious as old interesting s*** because of all the background chatter of modern, superficially/vaguely similar crud - which is why you see less of it appearing here (and like minded places).  It will come.


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## Bob Whitely

What an interesting post. I like it!


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## Randy M.

Oh, man, I've enjoyed the laughs this thread has given me.

It's really not hard to prove DAW was the Baen of their day, is it? Except DAW may have been a bit more straight-faced about it. Rather like they didn't get the joke.



J-Sun said:


> Other than _SML_, Lee got off lightly compared to Cherryh.
> 
> [...]



About this one: I read that edition, and at the time I thought the illustrator had Susan Sullivan in mind. Sullivan is a U.S. TV staple who has appeared in everything from Dark Shadows to Rich Man, Poor Man II to The Incredible Hulk to Barnaby Jones to Falcon Crest to Dharma & Greg. Now she's best known as Martha Rodgers, mother of Richard Castle.

Honestly, I don't think that cover was anywhere near as bad as some of the other covers for Cherryh and Lee, but it's also not as pleasantly bland as the one they used for Downbelow Station.


Randy M.


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## Lady of Winterfell

Leisha said:


> That's another fav of mine, too - the purple rollers are very fetching with the purple robe and flamey eyes and mouth: HQ Wallpapers Collection - Fantasy Art - Photo 1194 of 1266 | phombo.com
> 
> I also get a chuckle from seeing how horrendous Loial is on the second cover. Loial is cute in my head.


 

This made me laugh. Somehow I completely missed the curlers when reading the book.


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## nightdreamer

Hey, I remember that Brothers of Earth cover.  I must have read it.  I always get a kick out of these "worst cover" posts, if for no other reason than that I can console myself that I don't do that badly.


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## Curt Chiarelli

Nerds_feather said:


> This one is just...well, consider the source material, but still...




Ah, L. Ron Hubbard, my favourite Thetan! You can glimpse him in the background hoarding the Church of Scientology's millions in ill-gotten loot from the clutches of the I.R.S.


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## Fried Egg

I've always thought these were particularly bad covers:


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## Venusian Broon

Brilliant Fried Egg,

The second book's claim to be the 'The best piece of epic fantasy ever written' is somewhat undermined by the picture of someone being attacked by a muppet.


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## paranoid marvin

I think covers can age pretty badly. Back in the day they were published they were probablynot much different to others. I wonder what people will think of book covers today in 50 years time?

As for me, I was never a fan of the early Discworld book covers.


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## alchemist

Fried Egg said:


> I've always thought these were particularly bad covers:



I don't think that one's so bad, although it's very generic modern-day Urban Fantasy (and I've browsed a lot of UF covers lately)


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## HareBrain

She looks like she's been interrupted in something furtive. Also, the pretentious-sounding quote by Neil Gaiman reminds me why I don't much like author quotes on book covers.


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## Bick

The Well of the Unicorn is a funny one.  I looked it up on ISFDB.  That cover from 1976 survived only a few years and was replaced when the tile was republished by a cover from... wait for it... Darrell Sweet, surely the worst fantasy artist of all time!  Del Rey decided to dispense with claims it was the best fantasy epic ever written though, which probably was a good decision.  Sweet's cover is less action-packed (of course, his protagonists usually just stand around looking constipated).  I actually like the strange bear/muppet creature.


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## Chris Guillory

I don't know who this is supposed to be? Is it Drizzt? Is it David Warner? Where does his hair end and his sideburns begin? Why the purple aura?


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## Fried Egg

alchemist said:


> I don't think that one's so bad, although it's very generic modern-day Urban Fantasy (and I've browsed a lot of UF covers lately)


I think the cover makes it looks like a paranormal romance novel which it most emphatically is not (and I didn't want people who saw me reading it on the train to think it was).


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## J-Sun

Fried Egg said:


> I think the cover makes it looks like a paranormal romance novel which it most emphatically is not (and I didn't want people who saw me reading it on the train to think it was).



I agree with alchemist - generic, but not awful. Doesn't say paranormal romance to me but I don't know what those covers actually look like. I can see how it  might, though, I guess. To me, it looks more like, say, Brunette Buffy the Ghost Hunter.

Speaking of things whose nature the train-folk might misunderstand:


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## Curt Chiarelli

Her husband's pension and benefits through the Post Office were fantastic, but the prospect of laying a clutch of 10,000 eggs in a stagnant mill pond with Kermit the Frog was just too tempting to resist . . . . Ah, reckless youth! Always at the mercy of caprice and wild abandon!

Further proof that Sturgeon's Law is an immutable fact of the Known Universe. The prosecution rests.


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## thaddeus6th

Complete and unabridged - surely that's a tautology?

And... was there an abridged version of this? Perhaps with all the frisky amphibian fun-time taken out?


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## Curt Chiarelli

thaddeus6th said:


> Complete and unabridged - surely that's a tautology?
> 
> And... was there an abridged version of this? Perhaps with all the frisky amphibian fun-time taken out?



Tautology you say? I wished they'd changed the cover text to "Uncut and Full-Length" so we could watch the censors foam at the mouth in an apoplectic fit. After all, half the fun is goading the prigs and the other half is outsmarting them on their own turf with the help of a few well-placed double entendres. No doubt the Kefauver Committee and the National Legion of Decency wanted to take the scissors to this excerpt:

"But . . . . but, babycakes! How could you? You know I think you're awfully spiffy!", said Brad, his pipe quivering perceptively.

"Oh Brad, don't pout! You know how that makes your jawline recede and your eyes look piggy!", she said as she brushed back her hair with a melodramatic flourish. "You men never could understand that a girl's gotta be free! Yes, free, I tell you! Free!" 

"But what does _*he*_ have that I don't? Aren't you getting free dental through my employer?", Brad said, now with a rhetorical note of triumph. He was sure he had her over a barrel.

"Oh, you poor dear. You never _*could*_ understand . . . . What he can do with that tongue is _*soooo*_ dreamy!"


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## JunkMonkey

Curt Chiarelli said:


> "But what does _*he*_ have that I don't? Aren't you getting free dental through my employer?", Brad said, now with a rhetorical note of triumph. He was sure he had her over a barrel.
> 
> "Oh, you poor dear. You never _*could*_ understand . . . . What he can do with that tongue is _*soooo*_ dreamy!"



Just want to point out that I think you have your pronouns mixed up.  As the frog beastie is obviously wearing a slit-sided skirt and some sort of diadem it's more than likely what we are looking at here is a prelude to frisky lesbiamphibian fun-time.


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## Curt Chiarelli

JunkMonkey said:


> Just want to point out that I think you have your pronouns mixed up.  As the frog beastie is obviously wearing a slit-sided skirt and some sort of diadem it's more than likely what we are looking at here is a prelude to frisky lesbiamphibian fun-time.



Or perhaps even transgender!


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## Curt Chiarelli

Ladies, do you dread going down into your basement every autumn to check the pilot light because your water heater abducts you on a campaign of world domination?






[/URL]


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## Chris Guillory

Curt Chiarelli said:


> Ladies, do you dread going down into your basement every autumn to check the pilot light because your water heater abducts you on a campaign of world domination?
> [/URL]



Curt, That ray gun blast. Is it coming from the water heater's head and firing backward, or is it coming from the sky? I can't tell.


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## Dinosaur

I would so read that book.

If only because the water heater doesn't look all that happy about it either.


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## Venusian Broon

Chris, we are clearly misreading what is happening here. The explosion in the skyscraper is the water heater bursting out of the building to save a gorgeous woman, who for some reason was falling to her death from above. 

To me the heater is a hero.


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## Toby Frost

It's possible that he is some sort of futuristic postbox, hell-bent on delivering her from an appartment block to a new address at incredible speed.

On the subject of aliens and robots stealing human women, I always wondered what Jabba the Hutt's friends made of his strange fetish for women with legs and no tails.


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## Curt Chiarelli

Chris Guillory said:


> Curt, That ray gun blast. Is it coming from the water heater's head and firing backward, or is it coming from the sky? I can't tell.



Hi Chris:

Your guess is as good as mine. Since the skyscraper is exploding, I'm assuming the beam is emanating from the water heater's death ray-antenna-blaster thingie. Let's face facts: this wasn't exactly a prestige assignment for the illustrator, so logic and integrity weren't top considerations - only making the deadline and paying that week's worth of rent. And I doubt that the art director cared much either. (Early in his career he probably dreamed of working at Scribner's. Instead he got stuck at a third rate publisher on Chicago's Southside that could barely pay the electricity bills.)


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## Curt Chiarelli

Toby Frost said:


> It's possible that he is some sort of futuristic postbox, hell-bent on delivering her from an appartment block to a new address at incredible speed.
> 
> On the subject of aliens and robots stealing human women, I always wondered what Jabba the Hutt's friends made of his strange fetish for women with legs and no tails.



Regarding Jabba's gustatory proclivities: everyone knows that the tail is all bones and no protein . . . . but the gams are mostly meat and therefore good eating!


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## Curt Chiarelli

Dinosaur said:


> I would so read that book.
> 
> If only because the water heater doesn't look all that happy about it either.



I wish I knew the title too. To me the water heater looks as pleased as punch - in a Max Fleischer kind of way.


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## Curt Chiarelli

Venusian Broon said:


> Chris, we are clearly misreading what is happening here. The explosion in the skyscraper is the water heater bursting out of the building to save a gorgeous woman, who for some reason was falling to her death from above.
> 
> To me the heater is a hero.



That's certainly a valid interpretation! Still, I must take exception to the destruction of private property, especially to such a landmark as the Empire State Building. (Just because a 50 foot tall ape climbed it in '33 doesn't mean any old bucket of bolts can trash the place in '53 . . . . I'd say a manufacturer's recall is in order.)


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## Venusian Broon

Curt Chiarelli said:


> That's certainly a valid interpretation! Still, I must take exception to the destruction of private property, especially to such a landmark as the Empire State Building. (Just because a 50 foot tall ape climbed it in '33 doesn't mean any old bucket of bolts can trash the place in '53 . . . . I'd say a manufacturer's recall is in order.)



Regarding the destruction, yes it might seem a little OTT, but it's all about priorities. If it had been a poor, ugly, old man falling to his death, yes perhaps the our hero might have spent a bit of time looking for a window to open and to exit the Empire State Building without causing a great deal of falling masonry.


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## Curt Chiarelli

Her husband was a sorcerer(!) . . . . _but hardly a magician in the bedroom_. Maybe that's because he's always training his "magic wand" on dead wood instead of blondes. Another classic case of misplaced priorities.

And the only mystery here is how this publication lasted thirty-one issues.


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## Venusian Broon

Curt Chiarelli said:


> And the only mystery here is how this publication lasted thirty-one issues.



Is it possible because they spill the beans on what the mystery is on the front cover. Hardly makes it a mystery any more. Perhaps they should have called it 'House of the very quickly known' ? 

Not keen on the fashion either, sort of Robin Hood Leprechaun. 

Having taken the pee a little at them for that, I am now intrigued by what the 'uncanny creatures of Carl Griffin!' are. See that's a real mystery...


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## HareBrain

Venusian Broon said:


> I am now intrigued by what the 'uncanny creatures of Carl Griffin!' are. See that's a real mystery...



Given the quality of the imagination in evidence elsewhere on the cover, I wouldn't be altogether surprised if it turned out to be some kind of lion/eagle combo.


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## Curt Chiarelli

Venusian Broon said:


> Is it possible because they spill the beans on what the mystery is on the front cover. Hardly makes it a mystery any more. Perhaps they should have called it 'House of the very quickly known' ?
> 
> Not keen on the fashion either, sort of Robin Hood Leprechaun.
> 
> Having taken the pee a little at them for that, I am now intrigued by what the 'uncanny creatures of Carl Griffin!' are. See that's a real mystery...



Building the suspense and then blowing the secret before the reader even has a chance to crack open the cover is always your assurance of quality writing. 

And as far as fashion sense goes, can you _really_ trust anyone who dresses like a Keebler elf?

Now, for the first time on the worldwide web, see the dark mystery surrounding Carl Griffin's Uncanny Creatures exposed in my reply to HareBrain's post . . . .


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## Curt Chiarelli

HareBrain said:


> Given the quality of the imagination in evidence elsewhere on the cover, I wouldn't be altogether surprised if it turned out to be some kind of lion/eagle combo.



This is Carl Griffin. Carl Griffin has an uncanny problem. Carl Griffin has tapeworms.


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## Ray McCarthy

People used to DELIBERATELY get tapeworms!


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## Chris Guillory

Jaded Robin Hood stunt doubles happen across a magic wand, and abuse their new found powers to deface trees in the local park. Lilia, the ever faithful wife and devout Flash Gordon Cosplayer, is the only one who can stop her power-drunk husband.


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## Ray McCarthy

Think how many Dryads he has thoughtlessly slain!


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## Curt Chiarelli

Ray McCarthy said:


> People used to DELIBERATELY get tapeworms!



Yes, it's the aristocratic way to keep that slender figure while defying the landlord's no-pets-in-the-apartment policy.


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## Curt Chiarelli

So who did the art direction on this edition of Roald Dahl's *Charlie and the Chocolate Facory*? Clare Quilty?


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## Chris Guillory

I don't care what anyone says, postmortem photography is creepy.


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## Ray McCarthy

There was quite storm about that new cover, Pedo/Porno. Did they withdraw it yet? I think certainly in poor taste. Innocent child that I am, I didn't know who Clare Quilty was. The reference is probably apt, even though Clare Quilty was not a book cover designer.


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## Curt Chiarelli

Chris Guillory said:


> I don't care what anyone says, postmortem photography is creepy.



Yes, but they've improved it greatly since then. Look at what they've been able to do for Vladimir Lenin, Nancy Reagan and Dick Cheney. Wonderfully lifelike, you'd swear they weren't something wheeled out of Madame Tussaud's.


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## Curt Chiarelli

Ray McCarthy said:


> There was quite storm about that new cover, Pedo/Porno. Did they withdraw it yet? I think certainly in poor taste. Innocent child that I am, I didn't know who Clare Quilty was. The reference is probably apt, even though Clare Quilty was not a book cover designer.



Nothing quite like introducing a bit of the inappropriate or the tacky and trashy to help boost the sales of a hoary old classic, eh?

By the way, Clare Quilty is a fictional character in Vladimir Nabokov's novel, _*Lolita*_. In the book he was a child pornographer, a revolting creep of the lowest order.


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## thaddeus6th

Aye, that cover is bloody dodgy.

Some reckon it was done to try and get coverage for a book which everyone's already heard about. In that sense, it certainly worked.


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## Ray McCarthy

Curt Chiarelli said:


> a revolting creep of the lowest order


So I discovered. It's not a book that's ever been on my reading list either.


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## Vince W

I came across this. Seems appropriate here:


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## J-Sun

Wow. Just. Wow. That may take the prize. Can't Donner and Blitzen there help old St. Nick out by spearing Mr. Yeti with their antlers? Cuz it's the killer kandy kanes that I think are the most amazing aspect of that generally amazing bit of... whatever. Though Prancer howling at the moon like a reinwolf is puzzling. And the text is of a piece with the painting. And...



Vince W said:


> I came across this. Seems appropriate here:



Is there anywhere else it _would_ be appropriate?


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## Alex The G and T

Looks like an entry for the December 75 word challenge!


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## Curt Chiarelli

Just when I thought _*Santa Versus the Martians*_ and _*Silent Night, Deadly Night*_ were the final words on tasteless pop culture ephemera, this comes along . . . . So, why not pull out all the stops and show the Yeti munching on a terrified elf too? Besides, all that white in the composition needs a little punching up with geysers of bright, oxygenated blood. And speaking of a lack of red, it's pretty obvious the Yeti isn't dying of blood loss, in spite of all candy canes he's been stabbed with. Far more likely, he'll be expiring from insulin shock.


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## Remedy

See this one below - How was any of this ever allowed to be "OK" ??? Was the extra swastika in the top right really necessary? Who is this art directed at?


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## Curt Chiarelli

(Many apologies for this double post. It was made through the auspices of a technical glitch and cannot be deleted, thus publicly exposing its author as a techno-bungler of the first water. Do not panic. And no sniggering in the back of the class. Please remain locked in your existential purgatory of an existence, resume your regular duties and act like everything is normal. This has been a Public Service Announcement. Thank you.)


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## Curt Chiarelli

Remedy said:


> See this one below - How was any of this ever allowed to be "OK" ??? Was the extra swastika in the top right really necessary? Who is this art directed at?




Obviously by a charter member of the Hermann Goering Fan Club.


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## J-Sun

Curt Chiarelli said:


> So, why not pull out all the stops and show the Yeti munching on a terrified elf too? Besides, all that white in the composition needs a little punching up with geysers of bright, oxygenated blood.



Why do you think there are only three reindeer in the picture?  Seriously, I hadn't thought of the elf - "good" idea. After I posted, the lack of blood did occur to me, though. I agree with you - geysers needed.



Remedy said:


> See this one below



Hm. I think the title is actually what wins the prize there. Are we sure that's a real book? I don't put anything past anything (witness my acceptance of the Santa Claws mag) but that just sounds impossible somehow.


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## Vince W

Remedy said:


> See this one below - How was any of this ever allowed to be "OK" ??? Was the extra swastika in the top right really necessary? Who is this art directed at?



This is .


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## Chris Guillory

Vince W said:


> I came across this. Seems appropriate here:


I can't exactly explain it, but this one should win some kind of award in this thread.


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## Vertigo

J-Sun said:


> Hm. I think the title is actually what wins the prize there. Are we sure that's a real book? I don't put anything past anything (witness my acceptance of the Santa Claws mag) but that just sounds impossible somehow.



I believe it is genuine; it is listed on Goodreads (I just had to go an check) and has quite a number of ratings, some of which do say you should ignore the stupid cover. It is, I gather, meant to be rather surreal, very weird, satirical horror (officially I think the genre is 'Bizzaro').


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## J-Sun

Vertigo said:


> I believe it is genuine



Thanks, that's horrible to know.  No, I guess I can see it - not familiar with 'Bizarro' but I can see how it could be a thing.


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## thaddeus6th

Ha. It sounds like a label attached to something a bit nuts.

I don't mind that cover. It's the right shade of bonkers, like the original series of Batman.


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