# King Donut's Film Review & Info Centre



## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*!*

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*MENU*
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Reviews
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If you want a review of a film then just PM ask me
ARMY OF DARKNESS review
AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER 
ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 review
BACK TO THE FUTURE review
BANDITS review
BLADE 2 review
THE CROCODILE HUNTER: COLISION COURSE 
THE EVIL DEAD review
EVIL DEAD II: DEAD BY DAWN review
EVIL DEAD 3 review
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS review
THE HOUSE MOVIES
MINORITY REPORT review
THE SCORPION KING review
SE7EN review
SHREK review
SIGNS review (new!!!)
SPIDER-MAN review
STAR WARS II review
JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING review
OCEAN'S ELEVEN review

Info
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If you want any info of a film then just PM ask me
None yet - just ask me and I'll post it!!!

---soon to be edited----


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*SPIDER-MAN*

I've now seen SPIDER-MAN. Twice. And here is my 8/10 review.
Personally, I loved the fact that the movie opened with the "MARVEL" symbol. The movie was completely true to its comic book roots in both the origins of Spider-Man and the Green Goblin. The only thing they changed was, and this is a very nit picky comic book geek moment here, is his webbing. In the comic his webbing was generated from web shooters Peter Parker designed to go with his Spidey suit. Now it comes from his mutant glands on his wrist. Also, I didn't like the Green Goblin changes in this. It just looked like a plastic suit to me and it didn't show the menace, the creepy feel or the Halloween seasonal-like vibe that the Green Goblin put out in the comic. I've always imagined the Green Goblin as a frightening nemesis and unfortunately, that didn't translate to the screen. And where did he get that costume anyway? It's never explained.
Apart from that everything came straight out of the comic book: The radioactive spider bite, the wrestling match and the fate of Uncle Ben. Even Peter's school bully Flash Thompson shows up (we even get a fight scene with Peter and Flas with THE MATRIX-like slow motion scenes to show the spider-sense).
Absolutely none of the CG Spider-Man stuff looked human. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it actually looked super-human and comic-bookey. But hey, I guess it was suppossed to look like a comic book.
There is not a single boring dead-spot in the movie. The movie shows in a brilliant way how the geeky nerd Peter Parker changes to Spider-Man. The first part of the movie (first 30-40 minutes or so) are really great. I really like seeing the process of him (Parker) slowly discovering his powers and how he begins to use them.
The acting was great. Tobey Maguire plays a believable geek. The movie is all him and Willem Dafoe as the Goblin - all the other roles are smaller but are all so believable and good.
Everything about this film probably perfect except for the Goblin suit and FX. SPIDER-MAN is the best comic-book-hero-turned-into-a-movie ever - it's better than X-MEN and SUPERMAN II (but every superhero movie, not just a comic book superhero, movie is probably UNBREAKABLE). This is Sam Raimi's best since the last two EVIL DEAD movies - and no, it wasn't as good. But that's just my opinion anyway. Since this is a late review, you would of already of seen it. If you haven't...see it now!!!


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*MINORITY REPORT*

This movie is a bit like Spielberg's last film, A.I. - it really doesn't know when to stop filming. I would of like the film to end twenty minutes earlier...you'll know why when you see it. The film lost some of its grip on me by going too far into its mystery. I would've been happy with a more simple reason why but Spielberg decided to push his conclusion one step too far, taking a more obvious route of which I thought was just plain stupid.
So here's the story: In the future, a new law enforcement wing called "Pre-Crime", which uses technology and three psychics - "PreCogs" - to see crimes before they're committed. When one of the unit's top officers (played by Tom Cruise) is accused of a murder, he goes on the lam in order to prove his innocence.
Spielberg is on top of this one, delivering a washed out, bluish, grainy look. It's much better than A.I. - I didn't really like A.I.. We also get slick camera angles, groovy quick cuts, bang on lighting and some suspense. Think a sci-fi version of THE FUGITIVE starring Tom Cruise with Colin Farrell acting as the Tommy Lee Jones character and you'll get a good idea of what MINORITY REPORT is about.
This has to be one of the best Sci-Fi movies ever made and is up there with BLADE RUNNER, DARK CITY and, of course, STAR WARS.


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*BLADE 2*

The rumoured plots which were about the 1970's Marvel vampire, Moebius the Living Vampire and the one which involved time-travelling, leading to an alternate universe where the vampires ruled the world aren't true.
BLADE 2 is about a new blood virus that turns humans and vampires alike into monsters called Reapers takes Blade to form an unlikely alliance with a a group of vampires called the Bloodpack. Rescuing his old friend, Whistler (who was actually killed-off in the last movie) and a new machinist sidekick named Scud, Blade is ready to the kill the mutant vampires.
This one had less gore than the first movie and wasn't as fun or exciting I thought it would be. The Bloodpack were on screen more than Blade but he still has all the weird gadgets to kill the vampires in freaky ways but in the last one it looked really cool and (sometimes) funny when he did.
BLADE 2 is another "the original-was-so-much-cooler-than-this-movie-like-every-other-sequel" but I'll definately go and see a third BLADE.


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING*

In the Antartica, 1982, a twelve-man research team discover that an alien buried under the snow for over 100,000 years. Soon unfrozen, "the Thing" wreaks havoc and creates terror as it shape-shifts into them...
John Carpenter remakes THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD and changes the "us vs the thing" story into "us vs us". Soon their are loads of arguments and fights since no-one can trust their friends anymore...no-one knows who really is "the Thing"...
A great movie with cool and gruesome special effects on the Thing but the scenes aren't like in ALIEN or PREDATOR ect. because they're just too short and simple.
Terrifyed Bloke: Oh look over their! It's the Thing!
Kurt Russell: Don't worry! I'll just detroy it with my flame-thrower then this movie can have a happy ending!
* Kills the Thing with flame-thrower *
Kurt Russell: All done!
But it's still a very good movie - a very unpleasant one - but it's one that you have got to see.


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*STAR WARS 2*

Just saw it...and it was good! One of the best films i've seen but I didn't think it was as good as THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK though...which is what everyone bet before they saw the movie.
We see Mace Windu alot more in the film and is in some good action scenes but Jar Jar doesn't die in any slow, painful and gruesome way and not once is there a "Meesa gonna die!!!" in the film - he's perfectly safe and is never in danger...but he's actually not as annoying and is hardly in the film!
The film is a little long and Anakin has finally learnt not to say "Yipee!" every two or three minutes which is good but the dialogue still isn't that great. But the new Anakin just really annoyed me sometimes...but he's better than the last one.
George Lucas' attempts to make anakin kinda failed really. Anakin is not a bad guy, but is, in fact 100% good. He suffers only from raging impatience ect. What nineteen year old doesn't? We should have seen something truly evil from him. Anakin is still the unselfish, little boy we suffered through the first episode. It really makes me wonder how Lucas is going to turn him into a cold hearted, selfish, serial killer Darth Vader.
The story is this: some separatist rebels led by a rogue Jedi attempt to assassinate PadmÃ© Amildala, now a senator, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker are sent to protect her. They capture the assassin, Zam, who says she was hired by a bounty hunter Jango Fett - during which Obi-Wan uncovers a plot to overthrow the Republic and learns of the formation of a massive army of clone soldiers and one is Jango Fett's clone son: a young Boba Fett who will soon become the galaxy's famous bounty hunter in episodes 4, 5 and 6!
Jango Fett was probably the best character in the whole film apart from Mace Windu and Yoda. Yoda is absolutely amazing in this film - he really is the Jedi Master towards the end where he'll be in the lightsabre duel which everyone was talking about. ("Kick your a$$ I will!")
When I first heard this I thought that it was a stupid idea and will never happen but then I saw clips off the internet with him holding his lightsabre and couldn't believe it. But poor Yoda must of had a really bad buttache just sitting in the Jedi Council saying "May the Force be with you", "The Dark Side clouds everything!" and others all day so I waited for the scene to come up and when it came i couldn't believe it. Yoda's the best fighter out there and even though the scene was incredibly short it was still great.
But the lightsabre duel isn't really the best bit in the film though and the one in THE PHANTOM MENACE is still the best and I'd be surprised if it can be topped. Yeah, in the trailer you see Anakin fighting the villain with two lightsabres but in the actul movie that only lasts for five seconds. The best bit is when the clones and the Jedi attack and its so good especially the bits with mace Windu and Jango Fett. And the chase scene in Coruscant (which looked a lot like the future of Los Angeles BLADE RUNNER...) near the beginning.
I really wonder what we are in store for in Episode III and I am beginning to doubt that Lucas can ever achieve what he did with the original series. Again, I liked AOTC very much, but it's becomes obvious, after watching it several times, that it's nothing like the original films that I love so much. Once the eye candy wears off, and it always does (have you watched THE MATRIX lately? Remember how awesome that film looked three years ago. Now it's very plain looking), I wonder if there'll be much left to like in AOTC.
This one is light years better than THE PHANTOM MENACE and is one of the best films out this year! Go see it. NOW!


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*SHREK*

Shrek is an ogre who meets a donkey called Donkey (how original!) who can talk - the Donkey is easily the best character in the whole movie. He steals the whole show!
Donkey sleeps over at Shrek's swamp but in the middle of the night and a load of fairy tale creatures come over too by Prince Farquaad.
"He huffed and he puffed and...signed and eviction notice." one of the three little pigs tell him.
So the huge, grumpy, ugly ol' ogre and his new donkey "friend" go to see Prince Farquaad only to find out he's a midget. (Brilliant!) Farquaad sends Shrek and Donkey to rescue Princess Fiona so Farquad can marry her, become King, find out if he has the best kingdom, then give Shrek his swamp back.
When they rescue her they find out that she's not quite what they expected - she's an a55-kickin' Princess with a deadly secret and becomes the 397 thousandth person to fight in slow-mo/bullet time - what Matrix spoof number is that???
This is just an absolutely brilliant and funny film which, like TOY STORY (kind of), even everyone who isn't about 5-8 years old like it.
It has to be the of the most funniest, intelligent comedies around. It begins with an ogre reading a fairy tale and wiping one of the pages with his arse!
Brilliant! Stitch that, Disney!
SHREK - He's an ogre. And he's the hero of this story. So, when was the last time the hero was an ogre? Never. Mike Myers does his voice with his Fat ******* Scottish accent from "Austin Powers" - even better!
DONKEY - The funniest character ever. Eddie Murphey does his voice perfectly. He also did the voice for one of the characters in "Mulan" and he stole the whole show then! Donkey's not just a donkey. He's not just a talking donkey either. He's an annoying, singing, humming, screaming, unintelligent donkey - and we love him.
Shrek and Donkey are no doubt the best characters in this movie. (especially Donkey - oh, man, I gotta stop sayin' that but he's hilarious!) Fiona was just...there. And Prince Farquaad was pretty funny sometimes. His interrogation scene with the Gingerbread Man is one of the best bits in the movie and very, very funny:

* Dramatic music and Lord Farquaad enters. He is shockingly short. Choking sounds are heard, and in silhouette on the wall behind farquaadn is the image of the Gingerbread man being almost drowned in a glass of milk. *
Gingerbread Man: * still half immersed * No, no!
Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.
* The Gingerbread Man is removed from the milk and placed on a tray, on an iron table. The table is suspended from the ceiling by chains. Farquaad approaches the table, laughing manically. *
Farquaad: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
* Pauses at the edge of the table, realising it is hovering somewhere above his head. *
Farquaad: Ho-HUM!
* The table is lowered and, taunting the Gingerbread Man with his broken off legs, Farquaad continues sarcastically *
Farquaad: Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the GINGERBREAD MAN!
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster!
Farquaad: I'm not a monster, here, you are. You! And the rest of that fairy tale pack, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat me!
* He spits milk in Farquaad's face *
Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached an end. Tell me or I'll...
* Starts to twist the Gingerbread Man's button manically. *
Gingerbread Man: No, not the buttons, not my gum drop buttons!
Farquaad: Alright, then! Who's hiding them?
Gingerbread Man: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?
Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: The Muffin Man!
Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. Who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man.
Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread man: * shrieking * The Muffin Man!!!
Farquaad: * thoughtfully * She's married to the Muffin Man...?

And loads of other great, funny scenes. All I can say is the animation is great, the script is hilarious, the characters are cool and TOY STORY 1 and 2 are still the best CGI movies. But SHREK came close to beating it. Real close. It gets the same rating (8/10) as TOY STORY 1 and 2 but TOY STORY was still one little bit better than SHREK - both of them. Now...where's the sequelto this?!


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13*

John Carpenter's first and only movie that wasn't a horror movie or set in the future is actually one of his best films he's made - but in my opinion, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK is better and the best one. This one probably comes second place.
A street gang murders a man's young daughter and chase the father into a police station which is soon to be closed. The father is in shock so he doesn't speak up to that point in the movie.
One of the prisoners in the movie is sick so the warden moves him and two others into the same police station. later, the gang bring about twenty or thirty others carrying guns with silencers so no one can hear them. The only ones left alive are a policeman, two secretaries, the father and the three prisoners. It is decided taht the prisoners are to be set free and help them fight.
The street gang don't care if they die or not but they just want to kill anyone they go near for no reason-like the man's daughter who was only about five years old.
Now this is what I call a good movie! It kind of copies NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - people trapped inside a small little place, black good guy, the street gang is trying to get in, kill them and don't even care if they die or not (the zombies who try to get in to take the blood and are all ready dead). But i suppose lots of other movies rip-off NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. I think the best zombie movie ever is EVIL DEAD II and that had almost exactly the same story!
Incredibly violent, a good script ( even though the catchphrase "Got a smoke?" starts to get boring ), lots of gore, great characters and some really cool music by John Carpenter (probably the best he's done apart from HALLOWEEN and EFNY) made me give this movie 8/10 which is what it deserves even though it wasn't sci-fi or horror and had slightly bad acting and very low budget. Go and see this one now!


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*BANDITS*

Is BANDITS a good movie? Yes. Is BANDITS a great, wild, well-written, plot hole-free movie? No.
The plot: two bank robbers tell the story to a TV host of a crime watch news program and record it. It explains their story of how they ended up with a woman they both love and how they became the "Sleepover Bandits" - they sleep over at the bank manager's house the night before they rob his bank. First, they escape from prison in a cement truck and the cops shoot it - the truck that is, not the tyres. Later, they steal cars, get chased a bit, take bank managers hostage and loads of others - throughout all this Bruce Willis' long, messy hair goes all over the place and a second later its back again, all neat and tidy. Now THAT'S not a cool trick Bruce can do. THAT'S idiotic editting.
They meet Cate Blanchet's character and both of them fall in love with her and we get a complicated love triangle here and she doesn't know which man she wants.
Its just a real messed up movie. Fun, but really messed up. The writing, the editting, a lot of it. Its still a pretty good flick. There are loads more better bank robber films than this. I'd give it six out of ten.
I don't recommend it but see it if you want. You won't feel robbed.


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*THE EVIL DEAD*

A young man called Ash, his girlfriend Linda and two others stay in an old cabin and find a tape recorder which translates a passage from the "Book of the Dead" (the Necronomicon) which brings the dead, trees, spirits and others to life and haunt them.
That's about it.
If you want a guy who pops a zombie's eyes out and blood going everywhere, followed by even more gore, then guts and intestines fly out of people's stomachs and THEN even more bloody scenes then go and see this movie right now!
The only reason why people don't like this that much as they used to is because it got two better sequels which were also action comedies. I really don't know what to give this film out of ten. It had loads of cool, weird, sick and gory scenes but I saw the cool sequels first and like them way better than this. I guess I'd just give it 7/10. Not everyone will enjoy this terrifying movie but the sequels will make anyone happy. (especially the third one which didn't really have any gore or horror in it - but hey, it was suposssed to be a comedy/fantasy flick!)


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*ARMY OF DARKNESS*

Continues where the second one left off and it changes the last movie's ending a bit. I hate these new flashbacks. Always changing the movie...but this flashback is better than the end of ED2!
If they kept the old ending you will still get the exact same movie but the new one is the best scene in the film: Ash gets thrown into a pit of zombies in the year 1300 AD to die but Ash (unsurprisingly) kills them all. Ash has changed - he's not even a friendly, terrifyed guy from the first or the demented guy from some of the scenes in the second. He's more of an anti-hero now.
After fighting all the Deadites in two nights from ED1 and ED2, (remember, they're both the same story) Ash has become a complete bada55 who now hates the deadites even more than he used to and doesn't care about anybody except for himself. Ash is mean, tough (and unintelligent) "hero" who says some of the best lines ever in movie history.
This is the Evil Dead movie that made me love Ash and he became one of my all-time fave characters from a film!
The scenes when Ash shows everyone all his futuristic weapons are quite funny and his lines are better than the ones in the second movie that it's so hard to choose what's the best one.
Ash needs to get back home but he has to go on a quest to find the Necronomicon and take it back to the wise man of an old medieval village so he can read a passage in the book, which can make another wormhole to take Ash back home. But when he finds the book he has to say three words: Klaatu, Berada, Niktu (originally said in the movie THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL) and then that will make the Deadites (zombies) vanish and never harm the village people again.
But Ash accidently gets the words wrong and makes an army of skeletions rise from the grave...
Funnier than the second but not as good I'd just give this 8/10.


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*OCEAN'S ELEVEN*

I have never seen the original OCEAN'S 11, which is why I cannot compare this remake to it. If i ever do see it I might change this review...anyway it was a good movie, i guess.
Well, it was okay. But all this film actually was was the eleven guys (shouldn't there be 12 guys? I thought Daniel Ocean didn't count since the title was _OCEAN'S_ ELEVEN) planning the heist. At the end of the movie it finally comes, they do it and...that's it.
I'll try and say this without spoiling the ending but everything goes to plan and that's it. It's over. NOTHING went wrong - we get a few scenes where we think something's gone wrong but then we find out it's nothing, everything's going to plan. The film has no real conflict. There are no threats or even real dangers. There are isolated moments of tension, nothing more. A couple of scenes: Ocean is to be beaten up by a bouncer in the casino. Then it turns out to be an old friend so he helps him. Later one of the characters gets a heart attack. But then it turns out it's all part of the plan. When the Chinese Gymnast gets his hand caught in the safe mechanism. But he's okay when they (finally) blow the door. Oh, when they blow the vault door...the "battery check" bit was unnecessary.
And many more...the whole film is tension free!
I may be wrong but in movies like this something always goes wrong, right???
Another bad thing is the actors/characters. Why? Here we go...
Andy Garcia's character was stupid and isn't believable that he's such a bad guy. Hesleepwalks throughout the whole movie from scene to scene. We're told that he's some ultimate bada$$. A real mean bad guy. We're told what he did to somebody else. We're told to not mess with him. But Ocean's 11 mess with him and he just stands in vault looking extremely confused and slightly, SLIGHTLY annoyed. Then sends five cars with guys with guns after the robot van and that's how he handles you. That. Is. It. Oh yeah, and he would never have let Danny Ocean go. He's an evil, tough guy, and no-one knows he's in the room with no cameras. He'd kill Ocean and be REEEAAAAALLY annoyed, gets out his chainsaw, screaming a bunch o' swear words and all that. Instead he just stands there and says, "You can go Mr Ocean." Now that's just not right...
The rest are no biggies but still annoying. Brad pitt is lifeless and is an exact copy of Danny Ocean...in fact, the other nine were all just like ocean. And Matt Damon's rookie pickpocket character just doesn't seem to be doing anything.
The romance and the Julia Roberts scenes didn't convince me. Why was she even in this movie? They could of got rid of the old reason about caring about the money more than her and leave in the "Why not do this?" speech as a reason to rob the casino.
I guess the characters were just acting so cool and calm all the time is what made them boring. You could of put n a comic relief guy or some idiot who can mess it (the heist) up.
But apart from all that I guess the heist was clever (y'know, with the SWAT team and all...just see the movie) and it wasn't bad.
I didn't hate OCEAN'S ELEVEN - it had many plot holes and no character development but it wasn't great OR bad. It was just a normal so-so average movie. I would give it 6/10 but it was a tinier bit better than that so it's a seven.


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*EVIL DEAD II*

The best in the trilogy. this is the sequel to the first movie only changing the story a little (they always do this in every movie).
Sam Raimi has to have a flashback at the beginning of the movie but couldn't get the old footage from the first film so they had to act it out all over again (no, not the whole thing - just the important parts) but with some slight changes.
What they've changed in this one is they said that only Ash and Linda went to the cabin and no one else was with them. The flashback at the beginning of the movie tells the same thing about the tape recorder translating a page in the Necronomicon and it brings the dead back to life. Linda's death scene with the shovel is the same only she's still alive and the flashback ends like how the first one ended. Only we find out that Ash is still alive but not until the sun sets where he changes back into a zombie.
The actual story of the second one is simple: Ash still can't escape from the cabin and he is still trying to destroy the evil dead. This movie is just exactly the same as the first. In fact, it's still the first story. It should be called EVIL DEAD, PART 2 really. Later, he is joined by four other people who try and help. One of them is the daughter of Professor Knowby - the man who was doing research on the Necronomicon.
It may be an awful and unoriginal plot which makes you feeling like you're watching a comedy remake/spoof of the first one but it's actually very, very good. This is the only sequel I've seen a thousand times!
The scenes with Ash fighting his possessed hand are stupid and funny at the same time like a Monty Python movie, it also has disgusting and funny bits too like the flying eyeball scene and the tons of blood zooming out of the cabin walls. It has also become an action movie aswell and made Ash a super cool action hero carrying a shotgun like in the first movie but he also uses a chainsaw as a weapon on the Deadites in this one (!). But that doesn't happen till the film is nearly over. The first half f the movie is just Ash going insane. I'd give this film eight and a half out of ten. Groovy!


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*EVIL DEAD 3*

ARMY OF DARKNESS review


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*BACK TO THE FUTURE*

Steven Spielberg presents an irresistable comic fantasy that accelerates beyond the time barrier with wit, imagination and infectious, wide-eyed wonder. Michael J Fox stars as Marty McFly, a typical American teenager in the 80s accidently sent back to 1955 in a plutonium-powered DeLorean time machine invented by the slightly mad scientist Dr "Doc" Emmet Brown played by Christopher Lloyed.
During his often hysterical, but often amazing, trip back in time he gets hit by his young grandfather's car, taken into his house and meeting his teenage mum who falls in love with Marty.
Marty now has to get both of his parents to fall in love before he gets sent back to the future or else he will cease to exist...
This is an extremely funny film and one of the best time travel movies ever made. Its probably the movie that got me into time travel movies. I love this trilogy, 12 MONKEYS, THE TERMINATOR, TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY, TIME BANDITS, THE TIME MACHINE (the original George Pal movie, not the bad remake), EVIL DEAD 2, ARMY OF DARKNESS and loads more. This one is brilliant and i have to give it 9/10. The scenes with Marty and his mum are so funny but a little sick at the same time and this has the most funniest lines in any movie (mostly coming from Doc) such as "'Heavy'? Why do you keep saying that word 'Heavy'? Is there something wrong with the earth's gravitational pull?"


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*THE SCORPION KING*

Oh, what a mess! I really enjoyed THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS and I just knew what this was going to be like but I saw it anyway and I was right: it was nothing to do with THE MUMMY or THE MUMMY RETURNS and was completely pants!
It clearly rips off LIVE AND LET DIE (a character is psychic but loses her powers if she sleeps with someone), RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD, PART II (men are looking for the hero and he just quickly pops out to kill one of them and runs off until there are no one left except for the leader) and INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM (bad guys fire their weapons and he hides behind a big wheel which rolls out the window) and many others.
What's also annoying is this doesn't make any sense with the Scorpion King character: in this he is a good guy. So when you go to the movies to see this and then watch your THE MUMMY RETURNS video or DVD immediately after you'll notice that the Scorpion King has become a completely different character.
In this he's an assassin teamed up with an annoying, cowardly character who follows him around for some reason after saving his life (Hmmm..."Shrek" had the Donkey character and "Ice Age" had Sid...what the he11 is going on?!) and the sorceress who can see the future and they're on a journey to find the evil Nemnom and kill him so everyone will be happy and not throw axes at anyone again like they did the hundred thousand times before.
Anyway the film DID have some good action scenes and there are so many that there is hardly a boring non-action scene in the movie...but then the action scenes GOT boring.
Filled with plot holes, rip offs and bad special effects THE SCORPION KING is one of the most action-packed flops I've seen that I'll just give it 3/10...


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS*

This (rubbish) movie is about street youth gangs in Los Angeles that adapt sports cars into weapons that they race illegally. A police detective go undercover to investigate a possible highjacking ring 9which he doesn't do - this film doesn't make any sense!!!). I heared tons of good reviews about this movie and they're all good. This movie is not fast and might make you furious. The car Vin Diesel drives and the truck chase scene are just rip-offs on the MAD MAX movies. Even if you haven't seen MAD MAX you maybe not like this much. There's only a few car chases and in between it was really long and boring. The film is a complete dullfest. You had to be a bit of an idiot to enjoy it. I guess Diesel has a thing for liking such awfu, awful scripts. And will the guy learn to act? Girls may dig him but he isn't even a good actor for crying out loud!
The script sounds like it was written by a ten year old...no, it's worse...a 10 year old won't even enjoy it (yes, it is that boring!)...it's written by a guy who needs to watch more action movies and is completely out of ideas - did this person have ANY ideas? And yes, I didn't like PITCH BLACK either. 
I have now seen the trailer for XXX and - trailers are supposed to to make the movie look exciting! - it looks duller than this film.
So when your tired and bored after watching "classics2 such as ALIEN 3, PITCH BLACK, HOWARD THE DUCK, HELLRAISER 4, ALIEN: RESURRECTION, BUCKAROO BANZAI and all the FRIDAY THE 13TH sequels (maybe except JASON X) you can it down and watch an exciting film for once...only to find out it's more boring than watching paint dry.


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## Tabitha (Jul 25, 2002)

Hey King Donut, you _have_ been busy.  How lond did all that take you??? 

Seems to be some interesting reviews in there - I don't really have time to read them all right now, but I'll come back and comment a bit later 

I agree with you on the Fast and The Furious  - isn't it just Point Break with cars instead of Surfboards and Parachutes?  I did like Pitch Black though...


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

Actually I wrote them ages ago. I just thought I'd post them here.


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## Tabitha (Jul 25, 2002)

So is your info section like a "try and stump King Donut with tiny bits of trivia" thing?


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

If you want to know what a movie is about, just ask.


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## King Donut (Jul 25, 2002)

*AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER*

For no-one there who hasn't seen it yet are expecting this to turn out like the last Austin Powers movie then your wrong! The opening sequence is funnier than anything in any of the other Austin Powers films. Do not miss the beginning! If you walk in late, you might as well go home and come back another day. It manages to spoof "M:I-2", pop music and "Sinigin' In The Rain" before the movie actually starts. After the fantastic opening, there's a 10-15 minute of old jokes from the originals. The new "Sssh/Zip it!" is "Scotty don't" and is getting boring...
We are later introduced to Foxxy Cleopatra and Goldmember himself. He's good but not as funny as Dr. Evil or the others (except Fat *******), just okay.
The appearance of Michael Caine as Austin's dad, Nigel Powers, makes the film even funnier.
Not only that but you have a great flash-back sequence following young Austin and young Master Evil, roommates in school. They're friends, but also in competition over the school's top honor, the position of International Man of Mystery.
We're introduced to loads of new characters, like the Japanese businessman Mr. Roboto, as well as some old characters like Fat *******, Scott Evil, etc... Sadly missing from this film, though, is the Moustapha character. But he died in 1969 in the second one so i guess it isn't much of a surprise.
Oh yeah, and what happened to Felicity Shagwell? She just disappeared! But who cares? You just forget about her in the first few minutes of the movie! It's that good - I do recommend this flick. It is funnier than the last two movies and has some all new jokes. The best bits are the beginning, the "sharks with frickin' lasers on their frickin' heads!", the statue scene, another the-shadow-looks-like-they're-doing-something-weird joke, the subtitles shown on white background when characters speak Japanese, the ending and tons of others. I dare you to go and see it and not laugh...
Apart from NHumber 2 and frau hardly do anything in this movie, the only things wrong with are the same as the second movie: parts of this film just don't belong. Most scenes don't flow into each other. The prison scene with Dr. Evil & Mini Me was out of place and downright uncomfortable. The jokes you laughed in the first two films aren't funny anymore. But "Goldmember" has plenty of all-new jokes so go see it instead of "Spider-Man"...even though i'd give this movie the same rating as "Spider-Man". It's just a tiny bit better.


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## King Donut (Jul 26, 2002)

You can also ask for a film review...


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## King Donut (Jul 27, 2002)

*THE HOUSE MOVIES*

There isn't really much to say about these movies and i just can't make the reviews any longer. I guess I'll review all of them on one page.


HOUSE (4/10)

Horror novelist roger Cobb moves into a spooky house where his son disappears in a swimming pool outside. While he's in the house he picks up some clues on his son's disappearance. A couple of spooky stuff happens here and there with a couple of crazy looking monsters appear and kitchen knives, axes ect. start to attack him...I think we've heard of all this stuff before. I used to love this movie and I watched it again after a few years and thought it was just a little bit stupid...the sequel, House II: The Second Story, is worse.

HOUSE II (2/10)

This is definitive proof that horror sequels really are bad. I'd give this movie 4/10. The sequel to the spooky 'House' isn't scary at all. It's more comedy than horror. A very stupid comedy which really shouldn't be given the '15' rating. It is slightly similar to the first movie only wierder and more travelling to other dimensions and parallel universes only the 'monsters' are more dumb and sometimes cute (check out the freaky half-dog, half-slug creature from the jungle universe). All what it is about is this guy called Jesse moves into the house and does some research on a magical skull which brings his great, great grandfather back from the dead who isn't actually evil. (What?!)It could be the only zombie movie where the zombie doesn't turn evil no matter how kind he/she was before their death. Avoid this movie now!

HOUSE III (5/10)

Guts. Decapitated heads. Brains. Eyeballs. Blood, bones and body bits. Oh, and an axe murderer too. This is House III: THE HORROR SHOW. On the box cover it reads "...scary as hell!" What could go wrong? It just seemed like the perfect sequel. What was wrong is that it's absolutely NOTHING to do with the House movies! The House looks different, (I'm not sure it's the same house either) no journies to other dimensions, no stupid monsters (well, okay, that's not that bad...) or anything. It just wasn't the same. I'd give this film something like 5/10 but it's just nothing like a "House" film...
Anyway, the story is this psycho axe murderer dies but comes back from the dead to make the policeman who arrested him his life a living hell by killing a couple of people and make him think he's going crazy by popping up on the TV screen and no one else notices. In the end he tries to kill him but he dies for real...or did he? Apparently, yes. That's one thing that still makes this a "House" movie...

Sorry, I've not got the fourth - I've not seen it yet.


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## King Donut (Jul 27, 2002)

*THE CROCODILE HUNTER: COLISION COURSE*

Whoa, crikey! Dija see that?! This is a movie about Steve Irwin the Croc Hunta who thinks that jumpin' n fallin' over while chasin' a snake, croc or summin'! Is that funny? No! It even starts with 'im doin' that - how many times does he have to miss the thing and fall face down FLAT? Crikey, it ain't dinky-di, mate!
And like wasn't that Brazzie just pathetic and seriously unfunny? What a dumb character!
A HUGE croc has innocently swallowed a top secret US satellite beacon, these American special agents sent to retrieve it but Steve thinks they're poachers! Crikey! And why did we get a load a scenes where he's talkin' bout snakes n spiders n stuff like he's still on the Discov'ry Channel - it takes AGES for him to find the croc and then we get a plot! And the plot wasn't much of a whopper! Crikey!
So dija see that? If not, it was unfunny, plotless (lots of flies goes into my eyes) hey! Nick off! 'N; it was just plain ol' stupid, silly entertainment fer the kids. Crikey, what a bad film!
This Summer...crocs suck!


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## King Donut (Sep 15, 2002)

*SE7EN*

We've all committed a sin of envy when someone wins the Lottery. Who hasn't been so greedy that he or she ate all the donuts back at school in the canteen? Things like this can drive somebody onto a biblical rampage - and in SE7EN, it does.
When Detective Somerset (Morgan Freeman), just a few days from retirement, and Detective Mills (Brad Pitt), the new guy replacing him, find the murdered body of a huge fat man, they refuse to believe this is a random act of violence. Sure enough, after Mills' investigation of a seemingless unrelated case throws up the word "Greed" written in the dead lawyer's own blood, Somerset discovers a note with "Gluttony" written on it in the previous victim's apartment.
As each sin is portrayed by the killer (aka John Doe), the two detectives gradually draw closer to his identity. But as each day passes, another body and another note is found. It is only a matter of time before Doe completes his "masterpiece" and disappears forever.
Reading the original source material - the screenplay - one sees yet another buddy-cop film. The two detectives naturally don't get along, and of course one's about to retire. The captain exists more or less to tell his detectives they're wasting their time and out of line (he does not, however, attempt to take their badges and guns). By the end, the two heroes are (in Somerset's words) "for the first time ever, in total agreement."
There's even a Stallone-style punchline in the original script, which has Somerset executing John Doe and announcing, "I'm retiring!"
But it's funny really. When you watch SE7EN, you don't notice any of that.
But even though the film is brilliant, unique, etc. I couldn't get over the fact that such a wonderfully written and directed film has some stupid, obvious flaws in it, that I picked up on during my first viewing!
The "keep out" sign on the INSIDE of the door? How did it even get there? Did they put it there and climbed out the window? Not likely. How did Somerset know to slip his knife through the door at that exact point in the door?
Later is the conversation in the bathroom when they are shaving their chests for the wires. I believe Mills said something like "Uhh" and then somerset says "Huh?"
What was the point of that scene? I was waiting anxiously to find out what Mills was holding back only to be left hanging. Now a big flaw but noticeable.
Also, when Doe dropped his grocery bag and started shooting I was definitely surprised. I believe the only reason for this was to give the detectives a reason to chase him, and thus get Mills in the situation where Doe puts the gun to his head for a few seconds and then leaves, foreshadowing that Doe still has some purpose for him. I could easily conceive of a few better ways to write that part... and I'll have to echo someone else's response that it seemed like they were chasing the Phantom of the Opera.
One of the promblems with this movie is Brad pitt's character - Mills is impatient, cocky, arrogant and whining and swearing throughout the whole movie. But when the ending (one of the best endings EVER!) comes up you can see why he's best like this and shouldn't be more like Somerset.
I've seen this movie loads of times now and is one of my favourites. If you haven't seen it, then see it right now! make sure you get the DVD because the special features are fantastic. This movie gets nine out of ten. By the way, did I say you should see this movie? Well, I'll say it again: SEE THIS NOW.


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## King Donut (Dec 23, 2002)

*SIGNS*

Hello. Here, right in front of me, is a real live alien who starred in M. Night Shyamalan's new movie "Signs". And yes, the aliens were real! All of it was real.
"In Bucks County, Pennsylvania, a five-hundred-foot crop circle is found on the farm of Graham Hess (Gibson), the town's reverend. The circles cause a media frenzy and test Hess's faith as he journeys to find out the truth behind the crop circles." That was the Plot Outline according to IMDb. So, Mr. Alien, coul -

_What *********._

Oh...?

_What a bleedin' rip-off! Me and my mates met Mr. Shyamalaananalawhatever and he said the exact same thing. I mean, our crop circles were hardly in the movie!_

Well, yes, I suppose they could of talked about the crop circles more and not make a big fuss about it in the trailer or on the posters. But -

_Damn right! Or, as they say on my planet, R$UFVghf Ka-ka-kaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! The movie is not just about us aliens. It's about faith and religion. I tell ya - we had a romance scene between me and a female alien actress. And loads more with us. But the director took it all out and focused on the humans too much._

Yes...but...I'd still say it was a good movie. Er, a human movie. I mean, "Unbreakable" was about superheroes and all, but it wasn't the usual guys-in-colourful-costumes-and-underwear stuff. And that Brazillian birthday party clip was freaky! Very well filmed. One of the scariest films I've ever seen, nine outta ten!

_I'd give it zero. And what's with the water? Water is NOT our weakness. Syamalalalalaaanaa lied when he said this movie was going to be a documentary called "Zoobogs And Their Wonderful Crop Circles". I mean, most of the Earth IS water! We wouldn't of stood a chance if water was our real weakness._

Well, yeah, not every movie is perfect...

_This movie had more plot holes than a gold course. End of interview!_

But...we haven't even started yet! I gotta ask you some questions first...

_Who cares?_

One last thing?

_What?_

Well, this is a spiler so if you haven't seen the movie yet then I sugest you leave.

_I already HAVE seen the damn movie!_

I was talking to the people reading this. Anyway, when you were banging on the doors and everything in that scene in the basement - which is an amazing scene, by the way, it's terrifying - why did you really leave? I heard that you were actually trying to kill the humans.

_We were trying to kill them. Everything with us actually happened. My friend really did lose his finger! Mel Gibson still has it..._

Um...

_Okay - I said "Have you tried knocking the door down? Run against the walls? making lots of scary noises? Yes? And the door didn't open? Right, **** it, let's go home."_

Very intresting...
okay, thanks Mr. Alien. So there you go - my review. He was in a bad mood. Anyway, if you liked "The Sizth Sense" and "Unbreakable" (I did) then you might like this. It's very scary and better than "The Sixth Sense". I didn't think it was as good as "Unbreakable" though. So...did I mention that it was REALLY GOOD?! Well, here you go, IT WAS REALLY GOOD! Film of the year! Nine out of ten! "Signs" rules!!!

_(cough)_

You can leave now, Mr. Alien...





[edited for language by Tabitha - c'mon KD you know this is a family site]


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