# Conspiracy Theories.... Let's start one!



## mosaix (Jul 17, 2007)

We all know about conspiracy theories - The Death of Kennedy, The Moon Landings, Roswell etc.

Let's start one of our own. We could discuss it with friends or on other forums and see how quickly it caught on, how soon people we had never heard of started discussing it.

First we have to decide on the conspiracy. Nothing is too outrageous - don't forget the one about the British Royal Family being alien lizards.

Anyway, whilst I'm think up my contribution, anyone got any ideas?


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## Bristles1 (Jul 17, 2007)

the secret ingredient in kentucky fried chicken is an alarming mind altering compound known as cheap french beer. Mr k Fried apparently spilt some into is batter mix after holidaying in the south of france. If you don't belive this is a conspiracy try drinking 20 pints of cheap french lager , you will never be the same again !!!!!!


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## The Ace (Jul 17, 2007)

Not sure about that, but has anyone noticed how few cats live around their facilities ?


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## Alia (Jul 17, 2007)

The Ace said:


> Not sure about that, but has anyone noticed how few cats live around their facilities ?


Ewww... that one is just sick, Ace! Just sick...

Here's one... All the moderators on this forum are secretly conspiring to take over the world...


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## Bristles1 (Jul 17, 2007)

oh no MR  fried is forcing me to drink cheap french lager.  Hic Hic 10 pints down Hic conspiricies my foot........ more food....... more beer ...... see my minds changing ......for the better........more beer ......... more beer


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## Pyan (Jul 17, 2007)

j.d.worthington and Nesacat are really one and the same person!


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## The Ace (Jul 17, 2007)

Well, have you ever seen them online together ?


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## tangaloomababe (Jul 17, 2007)

No JD is a guy, I am sure, he write like a guy and Nesa dosnt look anything like a guy.  Nahhhhhhh.  I am more inclinded to believe the taking over the world theory.  I have always thought this one to be true.


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## Pyan (Jul 17, 2007)

tangaloomababe said:


> No JD is a guy, I am sure, he write like a guy and Nesa dosnt look anything like a guy.



How do you know? Take a look at *your *profile - I'm sure that you look nothing like the picture on it!


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## HoopyFrood (Jul 17, 2007)

Oh, they've been online at the same time, believe me...and watched (and laughed) as I got mauled by a Teletubby or rained on by a small thundercloud, or drawn on my face with Magic (and I mean Magic) marker pens. 

Hmmm...I do like this idea though...if we could get a really good theory going it would be very interesting to see how quickly it spreads!


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## tangaloomababe (Jul 17, 2007)

Nope Pyan your wrong, thats me in the distance, if you look really carefully I am out in the water, a long way out.

*Spell check: a modern marvel.*


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## Pyan (Jul 18, 2007)

Click on your avatar: look to the right. 
*That's* the picture I meant!

Duhhh!


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## tangaloomababe (Jul 18, 2007)

Duh.... (God why have my smileys abandoned me?)

Bruce is me, sort of. How would it be if I advertised the fact that I am really Bruce Springsteen. So instead I pretend to be a female, with a teenage son, holding down a job and buying chainsaws, whilst pretending I can't spell and all this as well as living in Australia, nothing could be more dissimilar to the real me.
Anyway gotta *(its Australian for "got to")* go, I have  a gig to perform!!!


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## chrispenycate (Jul 18, 2007)

Well, on a Pratchett site we got over a thousand posts on olives attempting to achjeve world domination (including introducing global warming so the siberians, swedes and geordiey can grow olive trees)
While I'm sure it's true, even joining forces with Brussel sprouts they don't stand a chance against the cats. 
Natural aristocrats, felines.


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## The Ace (Jul 18, 2007)

The problem is, we all _know _I, Brian and the mods are trying to rule the world.


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## HardScienceFan (Jul 18, 2007)

I have a theory that the mangled corpses they recently have found in the Serengeti are attempts by elephants to get at poachers' gold teeth.
i mean, we go after their tusks ,right?


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## Pyan (Jul 18, 2007)

But in a nice, helpful way, though!


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## Allegra (Jul 18, 2007)

The Ace said:


> The problem is, we all _know _I, Brian and the mods are trying to rule the world.


 
Well what you don't know is that they _are _ruling the world - secretly. Apparently they closed a deal under the table with the Vogons not to demolish the earth but to put it under Chron's control, what Vogons got in return had something to do with the diversion of the bypass to the hyperspace - but that is entirely another set of conspiracy theory.


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## Nesacat (Jul 18, 2007)

Now I know where the magic markers and ALL the medical supplies have vanished to.

Actually they put ganja and toddy in KFC. It's a little trick they learnt from the Nasi Kandar and Appam sellers in the East. Also you are not to wash out any of the pots.

Have just checked and let's see ... tail, paws, earings .... all there ... am definitely not a guy.

Though I do suspect JD and Pyan might be the same person. Even though they have been online at the same time. Probably some grand plan of the Elder Gods to help the Mods take over the world one tea room at a time.


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## gully_foyle (Jul 18, 2007)

I suspect I am receiving subliminal messages through the Chronicles telling me to go out there and buy more books. I fear my resistance is wearing down.

Actually I suspect the Chronicles is a new religion. And HardScienceFan is its god, and JD is the Messiah. And Nesacat, you're the high priestess. Can I be an alter boy?


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## Bristles1 (Jul 18, 2007)

does no one care , i'm being held hostage by the notorius Mr K Fried who's forcing me to drink copius amount of cheap french beer.................. I love Kentucky fried.....more beer


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## Nesacat (Jul 18, 2007)

there is a need to organise a rescue mission then ... very well ... as altar boy ... Gully-foyle your first mission , should you choose to accept it, will be to rescue Bristles1 from the clutches of the evil Mr K Fried. Ummm ... you might want to rescue all the French Beer as well. 

I think the shogoths might like it. Maybe the heffalumps too. Possibly Freda. Maybe not Booracket or Wally.

and yes .... you must go out and buy more books.


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## Joel007 (Jul 18, 2007)

All the squirrels are being stuffed and made into an undead squirrel army by a Janitor armed with a Knife-wrench.


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## gully_foyle (Jul 18, 2007)

It was an ambush. The KFC morphed into insidious alien beings. Bristles1 didn't make it. French beer survived but was imbibed during the return journey.

I have failed....(hic!)


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## Nesacat (Jul 18, 2007)

first it's cats and KFC and now it's a zombie squirrel army .... what is it with you guys and small furry animals??

am in complete agreement about the Janitor with the Knife-wrench though.


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## Joel007 (Jul 18, 2007)

It's useful, and safe! Just be careful when you put it in your pocket. _[Limps away]_


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## Nesacat (Jul 18, 2007)

you'd be the one the chainsaw warning was meant for then I gather.


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## Joel007 (Jul 18, 2007)

You can't prove anything! I have doctor-patient confidentiality!


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## merritt (Jul 18, 2007)

*Just started Conspiracy Theory short story!*

I know its still raw but I threw it down on paper, & haven't had any time to work on it.


Eulogy​

Leo was my best friend. A family man, lived in the same house for the last 20 something years, just celebrated his 25th wedding anniversary. A big strapping, friendly man, who was a sharp sales engineer.
We met as youths. A girl came running up to my buddy Schrecky. and I as we approached the beach,” Did you hear Leo Howard just ran over a little girl with his mini bike?’ We were 16 so we didn’t fall into that “little” category. 
“ No, we didn’t hear nut’in” we replied and & we all ran down to the beach to see the carnage.
When we got there, there was nothing, no injured girl, no crashed mini bike and no sign of the infamous ”Leo Howard”. We spent the day as beach denizens and never met him, although the next day we looked him up. That was the beginning of a 35 year friendship.
Thru our teen years we rampaged on motorcycles until old enough for cars. Then it was girls, cars, drinking, hiking and camping in the Adirondacks. We went to different colleges. Leo thumbed his way across country to stay with his sister on the Columbia River in Washington State for a year.
Leo and I stayed close friends, even when we were super involved with our own lives, and didn’t talk for months we still were buddies.
So I got a job at a high tech company in engineering and Leo went into sales and marketing. We both met women and settled down and had kids, and got together when schedules allowed.
I remember one morning before going fishing, we’d stopped for breakfast and he ordered a western omelet. Well, he had a fit because it came with cheese in it.
“Since when does a western omelet have cheese in it?” He says to the waitress.
Normally, that wouldn’t cause an incident but Leo has this intensity in his eyes, and did I mention he is 6”4” tall. 
The waitress got a little huffy and replied,” It’s right on the menu, all omelets come with cheese unless ordered without.”
“Well take it back and make me one without cheese and warm up those grits” he replied with a smile. She scooped up his plate and scampered back to the kitchen.
“Damn, they want to put cheese on everything these days, I think they want my arteries to clog!” he laughed, slightly embarrassed that he made the girl take it back. But that passed quickly and he was his usual ebullient self.
Leo and I retained some of our wild ways, when we hit our thirties we bought motorcycles. In our forties when our kids grew up to high school and college age we started taking “all guy” fishing trips where we would be a little wild, some guys drank to much, some smoked weed. Never any trouble, it was just a fun weekend. Take four or five unsupervised guys in a rented camp on the water, a rented boat, lots of beer & bad language, a few fish and that equals some funny stories. 
After our kids were away at college, we would take bi-weekly “health walks” on community trails he had across the street from his house. I remember him ranting in a jocular way about the cheese conspiracy, since he created the topic, he’d joke about it often.
“I’ve hitch-hiked across the US and you used to be able to order a western omelet without cheese! I got one in at least 12 states in the late seventies and the only difference was did they mix it or fold it.” or “The milk board & the cheese producers are in it together!”
In public people wouldn’t know if he was serious because he said it in a joking manner, he had a peculiar ominous air despite the twinkle in his eye. He would imply that we, people in general, were treated like cattle by big business & government.
So we would take these health walks, maybe smoke a joint, take his little dogs for a walk. Just your standard bull **** sessions by old friends.
We were both hitting fifty, talking about our retirement plans and schemes, when he turned up dead.
I got a call at work, my wife Laura on the other end. “You better get over to Leos, Gidget just called and they found him dead on the trails.”
I parked in his driveway in time to see them loading him into an ambulance at the trailhead across the street. There was a sheet over him. Across the street, one of the neighbors was consoling his wife Gidget on their front porch swing.
I rushed up to the ambulance, where there were troopers, and guys in suits standing around. A sheriff stepped in front of me with his hand up,”Whoa there, can I help you?”
“He’s my best friend, and his wife called me at work to come here. What happened?”
We don’t really know yet.” He said firmly.
“He’s more than just a friend, he’s like my brother.” I was starting to get angry. I don’t know why, I just felt an incredible loss. “ Can I just look at his face?”
He looked over at a trooper who shrugged his shoulders.
“OK, I’ll lift the sheet to give you a look.”
It was him; he looked alive except his eyes were open, unseeing, the blanket under his head showing blood. “What happened?” I looked up for an answer.
“We’re not sure yet, so please go over and console his wife until her family gets here.” There was nothing I could do, it was the end for him.
A lot of people really loved that guy, who professed to be the “meandad”. We laid him out in a Harley T-Shirt and big shorts like he wanted. He always said he started the big shorts fad. Many, many people came to his funeral and stood up and spoke about him. He was my soul brother. I was desolate.
It turns out this big man was felled by the smallest caliber bullet, a 22, to the back of the head. It penetrated and then bounced around in his head, destroying his brain. The cops figured it was a wandering bullet from afar, on its last legs. They investigated for 2 months, and questioned everybody but didn’t find anyone who was target shooting that day. Nobody would admit to toting a gun the day Walt was shot.
That is pretty much the end of the story except when I took Gidget to the DA’s office to close the investigation formally, I noticed something. In the pictures from the death scene, there he was, familiar, lying on his side, slumped with one hand outstretched. Like he was asleep if you didn’t know he had a small hole in his head. And in his hand, a carton of milk, which had spilled when he collapsed, had left a white froth on the ground.
I grew cold all at once. That’s when I realized there _may be _a cheese conspiracy!
Because Leo never drank plain milk in his life, he detested the flavor. If it wasn’t chocolate milk, it would not pass his lips. _Do they have to put cheese in everything?_


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## nixie (Jul 18, 2007)

The Ace said:


> The problem is, we all _know _I, Brian and the mods are trying to rule the world.


Trying too?  we already do


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## Anthony G Williams (Jul 19, 2007)

There's actually an article in the current New Scientist magazine about conspiracy theories, why they are believed, and how to start one!

Apparently the most gullible groups are those most detached from power in society - the poor, ethnic minorities and so on. One example: 20% of African-Americans believe that HIV was created in a laboratory and distributed by the US government to restrict the growth of the black population. 

A summary of the guidelines:

1. Pick a big, bad organisation as the target

2. Choose a dramatic, newsworthy event as the basis.

3. Construct your theory from carefully selected information designed to link your target organisation with the event. Reinterpret evidence in your favour whenever you can, and create uncertainty by questioning official evidence.

4. Prepare your defence, including accusing those who deny your story of being involved in the conspiracy. Be flexible over the details, but keep the core story going.


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## Allegra (Jul 19, 2007)

Anthony G Williams said:


> A summary of the guidelines:
> 
> 1. Pick a big, bad organisation as the target
> 
> ...


 
Excellent! Lemme try - 

1. The Bush Administration?

2. War at Iraq?

3. & 4. Hmmm...now my mind made an interesting turn - don't these two sound like the Bush administration's policy making methods?


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## Joel007 (Jul 19, 2007)

I made a conspiracy theory when I wasa in school and had it posted on the net by a teacher for a demonstration. The basic idea was when the school systems in England moved from a 3 tier to 2 tier system, the government had organised this to increase sales of drugs to younger kids (moving them in with the the upper school addicts). 
By the next day it had been linked with 3 celebrities and several government officials, and was one of the top theories


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## HardScienceFan (Jul 19, 2007)

i have a theory that Justin Timberlake's record company keeps silent about  his real name: Melvin Prlwitzkovski


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## Neal Asher (Jul 20, 2007)

The Hubbert peak of oil production having been passed, all governments know that the oil is going to run out soon. They subsequently sowed rumours about human-caused global warming, very specifically aimed at CO2, and created the IPCC in an attempt to prepare us for a future without oil. This is on the basis that fear of planetary destruction is a better motivator than the fear of no petrol in the pumps in twenty years time.


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## Anthony G Williams (Jul 20, 2007)

Neal Asher said:


> This is on the basis that fear of planetary destruction is a better motivator than the fear of no petrol in the pumps in twenty years time.


 
There's a flaw in that - most people can't relate to planetary destruction. Even if they believe it, they don't believe that they can do anything practical about it so it just makes them depressed and apathetic. But they can sure as heck relate to not having any petrol for their cars, although 20 years may be too long a time period.


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## Anthony G Williams (Jul 20, 2007)

Allegra said:


> Excellent! Lemme try -
> 
> 1. The Bush Administration?
> 
> ...


Well, *some* conspiracy theories turn out to be true - like the Iran/Contra affair!


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## Rosemary (Jul 20, 2007)

nixie said:


> Trying too? we already do



Well, that's what you are being lead to believe!   We all know that the Chronicles is slowly but steadily being over-run by sun tanned and well read Aussies!


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## Neal Asher (Jul 20, 2007)

Anthony G Williams said:


> There's a flaw in that - most people can't relate to planetary destruction. Even if they believe it, they don't believe that they can do anything practical about it so it just makes them depressed and apathetic. But they can sure as heck relate to not having any petrol for their cars, although 20 years may be too long a time period.



Oh I didn't say it was a working approach - it is one designed by governments so obviously it doesn't really work, but they feel it can be used as a justification for huge taxes.


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## Interference (Jul 23, 2007)

HardScienceFan said:


> i have a theory that Justin Timberlake's record company keeps silent about  his real name: Melvin Prlwitzkovski



The real Justin Timberlake died in a motor cycle accident on his way to try and stop Britney's wedding.  The accident involved a bus and some Simon and Garfunkel music, but no one knows if the music was coming from the bus or not.

Mervin Prlwitzkovski is, as some of you already know, the (then) youngster who was severely crippled during the filming of one Mickey Mouse Club routine in which an igloo set with (Goofy and Donald fishing in full inuit regalia) collapsed and the steel support scaffolding fell on the hapless Mervin.  JT was actually a ringer who took over from him for three weeks in order to avoid the scandal and inevitable safety questions, before Mr Timberlake emerged from the shadows as an entertainer in his own write.

Following JT's own accident, Todd Shea of Attica, N.M., was recruited to play the remaining gigs on his tour but he, too, fell foul of a terrible accident involving an ice-cream truck and some traffic cones.  The ice-cream/cone incident left Todd with frostbite and a toe had to be amputated, making his dance style more like Justin's in some respects, but far better in others.  However, it was the cone that jammed in his ear that put 'paid' to the scam.

Since then, Justin Timberlake has been impersonated by Paul McCartney (July 27th, 05), small-time entertainer Jarrod Fawlkes (November 05 - July 06 - Jarrod was assassinated in mistake for President GW Bush in another conspiracy theory), Erich Walsberg III (Aug 06 - Dec 06 - lost while sailing in the North Sea) and Freddy Starr (Jan 07 - present).

The poor luck surrounding the Justin Timberlake Franchise was further exacerbated when rumours of a reunion between whoever is playing him at the time and Britney Spears (AKA Billy Shears) hit the newswires last week.

This information is culled from articles appearing in Newsweek, Time and Hello magazinem, one of which may have featured someone who might have looked like the man we think of as Justin Timberlake.


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## Nesacat (Jul 23, 2007)

Where do the sun-tanned and well-read Australians fit in all this??


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## Interference (Jul 24, 2007)

Nesacat said:


> Where do the sun-tanned and well-read Australians fit in all this??



Sorry, I thought it was obvious from the name:  Mervin Prlwitzkovski was - is - an undercover Australian whose task, along with Captain McBoing-Boing the Kangaroo, was to infiltrate the Disney Empire, effect a regime change and make their future film productions more literate, credible and all-over sun-tanned.

The duo's failure, and Timberlake's subsequent popularity, is a loss to both the film and music industries and the audiences they supposedly serve, but this was nevertheless an important factor in continued world peace and democracy through the 90s.  Had they succeeded in their attempted infiltration, the Iron Curtain might well have been raised once more, this time in full glorious Technicolor (tm) - a kind of Technicolor Dream Curtain, just to keep out decadent Western cartoons and Michael Jacksonesque dance routines.  As it was, the attempt failed and the world remains at peace - except for where the wars are ...


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## Nesacat (Jul 24, 2007)

... ah so that is what happened to the Technicolour Dream Coat. Wonder what Joseph is wearing now?


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## HardScienceFan (Jul 24, 2007)

coconuts are a conspiracy
I mean,really

Hairy nuts,haven't we got enough of those already?


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## Interference (Jul 24, 2007)

Nesacat said:


> ... ah so that is what happened to the Technicolour Dream Coat. Wonder what Joseph is wearing now?



Joseph?  Don't you mean ... _Jason Donovan_?

(dramatic chords) Da-da-da-daaaa!


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## Kasterborous (Jul 28, 2007)

HardScienceFan said:


> I have a theory that the mangled corpses they recently have found in the Serengeti are attempts by elephants to get at poachers' gold teeth.
> i mean, we go after their tusks ,right?


<Falls out of seat laughing>

The elephants are all over the world now, why, simply because airport customs have no ruling for elephants.
I’m sure I saw one the other day, it had its hood pulled up over its head so it was a bit difficult to tell, but you could here the chink of gold teeth in its pocket (strangely enough it’s the same sound coins make.)

The truth is out there……………….


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## angrybuddhist (Jul 29, 2007)

Bristles1 said:


> the secret ingredient in kentucky fried chicken is an alarming mind altering compound known as cheap french beer. Mr k Fried apparently spilt some into is batter mix after holidaying in the south of france. If you don't belive this is a conspiracy try drinking 20 pints of cheap french lager , you will never be the same again !!!!!!



Conspiracy Theory:  Extra Crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken is day old Original Recipe.


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## angrybuddhist (Jul 29, 2007)

Conspiracy Theory:  Humpty Dumpty was pushed!


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## Curt Chiarelli (Jul 29, 2007)

HardScienceFan said:


> I have a theory that the mangled corpses they recently have found in the Serengeti are attempts by elephants to get at poachers' gold teeth.
> i mean, we go after their tusks ,right?



Oh, that's_ gooood! _


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## Moonbat (Aug 1, 2007)

Ok, Taking the lead from you guys/gals

The EU goverment realised after WWII that people need vices in thier lives, vices that they can use to let off steam. Europes greatest scientific minds were called together in an effort to discover what would be the ultimate universal vice. After many months of research and debate they were left with several front runners.
Alcohol - Has always been strong in Europe and was seen by many as the greatest weapon to poison the masses with, they have systematically been trying to reduce the volume of alcohol in drinks, whilst increasing the tax and guilting the poulace with tales of acohol abuse and binge drinking

Drugs - Although many forms of drugs they ascertained that cannabis and cacaine were the two most likely to affect the people. They then set about confusing people with declassification and decriminalisation. The drugs themselves were grown in great fields across bulgaria and shipped out of Europe to be smuggled back in. The drugs were professed to be stronger but have actually been getting steadily weaker over time in an effort to reduce the population's tolerance.

Religion - Religion had been a means of control in Europe for centuries and although the power of the Catholic church was wearing off the joint fears of Islam and Christian fundamentalism were shaped into a global terrorist threat that would hopefully scare people into following one of the two religions. Judaism was discounted on the grounds that it was already too corrupt.

From these three front runners the EU goverment created a triangle of Vice that would ideally squeeze the population into ever tighter groups of mistrust and fear they could then rule the whole of europe without interruption and move onto conquering the world.

Presently in EU countries any vices that do not fall under the big 3 are being phased out, they have banned smoking in public, reduced the speed limit, they have cut taxes on religions, they have opened 24hr drinking facilites and they have provided over a million homes for the cultivation of cannabis. The EU actually let Poland join so that more construction workers could come over to England and build another million homes for more cannabis cultivation.

They have even gone so far as to destroy real music and replace it with manufactured Kiddy pop and gangster/prostitute R&B. They have removed anything worth watching from our TV screens and replced it with re-runs of old eastenders from the War and new docu-soaps about fat people and children with children.

Eventually everyone in Europe will only relax on one of the big 3 vices, either drugs, alcohol or religion. Obviously if you're a Rastafarian or an Irish Catholic you can relax on two.


Moonbat


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