I love too many Jack's quotes. Ok, here's my "small"
list.
COTG
Hammond: „You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?“
O’Neill: „Ah, I’ve thought about it. But then I’d have to shoot anyone that actually read it.“
ENEMY WITHIN
O’Neill: „Listen. Um, I gotta ask you something. It’s not easy for me.“
Kawalsky: „We’re friends.“
O’Neill: „If you don’t make it...can I have your stereo?“
THE BROCA DIVIDE
Jackson: „Wait a minute, move out?“
O’Neill: „Yeah. Back to the Stargate, back to Earth, terra firma, home, you’ve heard of it?“
O’Neill: „Lucy! I’m home!“
O’Neill: „Daniel, you dog. Keep this up you’ll have a girl on every planet.“
THE FIRST COMMANDMENT
Connor: „No, Sir.“
O’Neill: „No Sir? Does it say Colonel anywhere on my uniform?!“
O’Neill: „Sky...orange?“
Jamala: „The sky...up there.“
O’Neill: „Yeah. I know what the sky is.“
THE NOX
O’Neill: „Sorry to drop in on you like this but we were...dead.“
O’Neill: „No, we can’t keep him.“
O’Neill: „Ah, fruit. Nothing like coming back from the dead to build an appetite.“
BRIEF CANDLE
O’Neill: „You never cease to amaze me with all your talents.“
O’Neill: „Welcome back, kids. It’s damn good to see you again. Don’t worry. Aside from a little prostate problem we won’t go into, it’s not so bad.“
THOR’S HAMMER
O’Neill: „Teal’c, I think we just got the answering machine.“
O’Neill: „Water. Give it enough time it’ll bring down walls. Even walls just like that. So in a couple hundred years we’ll be free.“
Unas: „I know the secrets of the labyrinth. I could help you escape.“
O’Neill: „A map would be nice.“ (and shoots him)
THE TORMENT OF TANTALUS
O’Neill: „Catharine, hug me.“
BLOODLINES
O’Neill: „I serve at Stargate Command under a General Hammond.“
Bra’tac: „So this Hammond is a...?“
O’Neill: „Just a man. A very good, a very...bald...man from Texas.“
FIRE AND WATER
O’Neill: „Daniel Jackson made this place...hapen. As a member of SG-1, he was our voice, our conscience. He was a very courageous man. He was a good man. For those of us lucky enough to know him, he was also a friend.“
Hammond: „You know that’s my car, don’t you?“
O’Neill: „You should get that window fixed.“
HATHOR
Jackson: „Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebrity and music.“
O’Neill: „Sex, drugs and rock’n roll?“
Hathor: „We are the mother of all pharaohs.“
O’Neill: „Of course we are. General, why don’t *we* call County Mental Health, see if we can find a nice rubber room for the lady?“
O’Neill: „Is mental illness contagious?“
SINGULARITY
Jackson: „So what exactly are we to see after this eclipse begins? I mean, it is black and it is a hole...“
O’Neill: „Well, it might be a black hole.“
Cassandra: „What’s that?“
O’Neill: „We have a rule here on Earth. Every kid has got to have a dog. This is a dog. And he’s yours.“
COR-AI
Hammond: „Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering in other people’s affairs.“
O’Neill: „Since when, Sir?“
ENIGMA
Carter: „Temperature: ground 1700° Fahrenheit, air seems to be in pockets ranging from 1500° to 200°.
O’Neill: „Sounds like L.A.“
O’Neill: (about the Nox) „God, I love those people.“
SOLITUDES
O’Neill: „Ice. Nice.“
O’Neill: „I think I cracked a rib, too.“
Carter: „Why didn’t you say something?“
O’Neill: „I was afraid you’d try to put a splint on it.“
O’Neill: „It’s my side arm, I swear.“
TIN MAN
Harlan: „You are the leader?“
Jackson: „Oh no, that would be...“
O’Neill: „Me. Colonel Jack O’Neill. Cumbaya.“
Harlan: „*Cumtraya*.“
O’Neill: „Whatever.“
Jackson: „We still have our rights, Jack.“
O’Neill: „What rights are you talking about?“
Carter: „Colonel, no matter what he’s done to us, we’re still...“
O’Neill: „Human?! Is that what you were going to say?“
O’Neill: „Harlan, we want to go home.“
Harlan: „Oh no no. You must stay. You are friends. New friends.“
O’Neill: „Friends?! I don’t even like you! Chances are I’ll never like you!“
THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD
O’Neill: „Good morning, campers.“
POLITICS
O’Neill: „Alright, wait a minute. Let me...let me get something straight. Engaged?“
Carter: „It is theoretically possible.“
O’Neill: „It’s against regulations.“
Carter: „I’m talking physics, Sir.“
Hammond: „It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here.“
O’Neill: „How about a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage...?“
Hammond: „This is what I look like when I’m not laughing, Colonel.“
O’Neill: „Car wash?“
WITHIN THE SERPENT’S GRASP
Klorel: „You dare to do this to Klorel?! You will die a painful death!“
O’Neill: „Yeah, yeah. Whatever.“
THE SERPENT’S LAIR
Jack: „Then I suppose now is the time for me to say something profound...Nothing comes to mind. Let’s do it.“
PRISONERS
Jack: „Teal’c, look scary and take point.“
Teal’c: „If you once again try to physically harm myself or my companions, my patience with you will expire!“
Jack: „Well, Teal’c, making friends, are you?“
THE GAMEKEEPER
Hammond: „Are you going back or not, Colonel?“
Jack: I’m already in!!!“
NEED
Jaffa: „On your nees!“
Jack: „No, actually I’ve got this cartilage problem, little ACL thing... (the Jaffa hits Jack with his staff weapon)...That helps.“
Jack: „Well, it’s suprisingly difficult to kill you, isn’t it?“
Jack: „We had a nice time, Sir. Carter picked up some naquadah, Teal’c made some new friends as usual, Daniel got engaged and, um, I’m gonna hit the showers.“
MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE
Hammond: „Did everything go as planed, Colonel?“
Jack: „Oh, one small step, one giant leap, that kinda stuff, Sir.“
FAMILY
Fro’tac: „I am Fro’tac of the high cliffs.“
Jack: „Jack of the windy city.“
SECRETS
Heru’ur: You dare challenge me!“
Jack: „I was thinking about it.“
BANE
Jack: „General Hammond, request permission to beat the crap out of this man.“
Maybourne: „Striking an officer is a quick way to a court martial.“
Jack: „Oh, I’m not going to strike you, Maybourne, I’m going to shoot you.“
THE TOK’RA I, II
Jack: „Assuming, of course, you *are* the Tok’ra.“
Cordesh: „And if we’re not?“
Jack: „Well, I guess we all start shooting. There’s blood, death, hard feelings. It’d suck.“
SPIRITS
Daniel: „Are you *you*?“
Jack: „Yeah. You?“
Daniel: „What?“
Jack: „Never mind.“
Jack: „How do I know you’re really Daniel?“
Daniel: „Because.“
Jack: „Yeah, okay.“
TOUCHSTONE
Jack: „Alright, we came here in peace, we expect to go in one...piece.“
A MATTER OF TIME
Jack: „I thought you were on the phone.“
Cromwell: „Man, she is...“
Jack: „...way smarter than we are.“
THE FIFTH RACE
Jack: „Well, this was an intergalactic waste of time.“
SERPENT’S SONG
Apophis: „O’Neill, I am dying.“
Jack: „My heart bleeds for you.“
Jack: „What do you want?“
Apophis: „To live.“
Jack: „I can’t help you there. That’s between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute, *you are* your god. That’s a problem.“
Jack: „Go to hell!“
Apophis: „A single human life is worth so much you ’d risk a world?“
Jack: „That’s right. That’s why they call us the good guys.“
HOLIDAY
Jack (inside Teal’c ‘s body): „Teal’c, what are you doing?“
Teal’c (inside Jack’s body): „If I am to remain in this body, I must shave my head.“
Jack: „You’re making a joke, right?“
Teal’c: „I am not joking.“
Jack: „Teal’c, you will *not* shave my head!!!“
Teal’c: „It is presently my head, O’Neill.“
Jack: „Teal’c, this is temporary!“
ONE FALSE STEP
Daniel: „Oh, please, we have a difference of opinion on just about everything.“
Jack: „Give me an example.“
Daniel: „I don’t know, *pick* something! How about mythology?“
Jack: „Rumors, lies, fairy tales.“
1969
Thornbird: „I’m Major Rober Thornbird. And you are?“
Jack: „Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.“
OUT OF MIND
Hathor: „How do we contact the Asgard so that we might ally with their forces?“
Jack: „Try Roswell, little place in New Mexico.“
INTO THE FIRE
Jack: „You heard me? I said kree!“
Daniel: „Jack?“
Jack: „Hey, guys! Makepeace, nice rescue! Good job!“
SETH
Hamner: „I just got off the phone with the President.“
Jack: „Of the United States of America? Sweet! How’s he doing?“
Hamner: „He seems to have a thing for you.“
Jack: „Yeah, well, you know...“
FAIR GAME
Daniel: „The second Goa’uld representative we’re expecting is Yu.“
Jack: „Me?“
Daniel: „Yu is the name of the Goa’uld.“
Jack: „Ah! Sorry.“
Daniel: „Excuse me, sorry for interrupting. What just happened?“
Jack: „ Well, apparently we said hello, insulted each other and broke for recess.“
LEGACY
Jack: „I’d like to apologize in advance for anything I may say or do that could be construed as offensive as I slowly go *NUTS*!!!“
POINT OF VIEW
Carter: „She’s right.“
Jack: „You just agreed with yourself.“
Samantha: „You have to understand. My Jack had the same face, same voice, same hands....“
Jack: „Which brings to mind an obvious question. How could you marry such a loser?“
DEADMAN SWITCH
Sam: How do you keep from getting kiled?“
Aris: „It takes talents.“
Jack: „So...how do you keep from getting kiled?“
Aris: „And you, O’Neill, you’re considered, well, you’re a pain in the mikta.“
Jack: „Neck?“
Teal’c: „No.“
Daniel: „And how do we know we can trust you?“
Aris: „My word is good on over 2,000 planets.“
Jack: „There are *billions*.
DEMONS
Jack: „Carter, if I ever get the urge to help anybody again, feel free to give me a swift kick.“
Jack: „Major, next time Daniel gets the urge to help someone, shoot him!“
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Rogers: „You are all casualties until 14.00 hours.“
Jack: „Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?“
Rogers: „I will reveal nothing. You may begin torturing me.“
Jack: „Oh, I’ve already begun. This is the infamous tuna torture.“
PAST AND PRESENT
Jack: „What does a bug spray have to do with longevity?“
JOLINAR’S MEMORIES
Martouf: „...If you are all sure you understand what you’re volunteering for.“
Daniel: „You said hell, right?“
Jack: „Well, I’m going to end up there sooner or later. Might as well check out the neighborhood.“
THE DEVIL YOU KNOW
Apophis: „Major Carter was most forthcoming.“
Jack: „She didn’t tell you squat. By the way, I won’t either.“
FOOTHOLD
Jack: „How’s a needle in my butt going to get water out of my ear?“
URGO
Dr. Fraiser: „Okay, so what does he look like?“
Jack: „A famous tenor.“
Urgo: „See, I knew it! I knew you liked me. Huh, I was right.“
Jack: „Maybe...a little.“
Urgo: „How about a hug?“
Jack: „Don’t push it.“
A HUNDRED DAYS
Jack: „So, Laira, when’s the big show start?“
Laira: „Soon. Be patient.“
Jack: „Oh, I’m patient. I’m nothing if no patient. When’s it start?“
Jack: „Teal’c! You are one stubborn son of a bitch!“
SHADES OF GREY
Jack: „Let me know what wacky alien stuff you find in there.“
Sam: „Well, Sir, with respect, you aren’t exactly acting like yourself.“
Jack: „No, Carter. I haven’t been acting like myself since I met you. Now I’m acting like myself.“
Daniel: „So this whole, ah, this whole friendship thing we’ve been working on the last few years...?“
Jack: „Apparently not much of foundation there, huh?“
Makepeace: „You really blew it, O’Neill!“
Jack: „Oh, I think it came off quite nicely, don’t you, General?“
Hammond: „Yes, I do.“
Makepeace: „You have no idea how high up this goes. You’ve pissed off the wrong people.“
Jack: „Like the Tollan, Tok’ra, Asgard, Nox, those folks?“
Makepeace: They refuse to give us the things we need to defend ourselves against the Goa’uld.“
Jack: „We don’t need their stuff, Makepeace. We do need *them*!“
NEW GROUND
Jack: „Would you believe we come in peace?...Got a commanding officer around here?...Wow, tough crowd.“
Jack: „Okay, *that’s* a needle! Oww!“
MATERNAL INSTINCT
Jack (about Apophis): „Well, somebody’s got to teach that guy how to die.“
Bra’tac: I believe he wishes us to take off our boots.“
Jack: „Yeah, look, ah, we’ve been walking a ways today...“
Monk: „Your journey has just begun.“
Jack: „I’m just saing I think I’m doing us all a great favour by keeping these babies on.“
Jack: „If we happen to make it out of this in one piece, remind me to harm Daniel severely.“
Jack: „Daniel?“
Daniel: „Yeah?“
Jack: „Shoes.“
CRYSTAL SKULL
Daniel: „Repeat what I’m saying! I’m standing right beside you.“
Nick: „Standing right beside me.“
Jack: „ He’s lost a few pounds.“
Daniel: „Jack, don’t be an ass!“
Nick: „Jack, don’t be an ass!“
Jack: „ Daniel?“
Daniel: „Yes!“
And of course:
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD"
"YA THINK?"
