Brian's Alternative Endings

Brian G Turner

Fantasist & Futurist
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I started this sillyness when I first built Alternative Worlds, while planning to build a humour section.

Anyway - let cynicism reign! :D


ALTERNATIVE ENDINGS

For F/SF TV and Film

(for sci-fi section)


Star Wars - A New Hope


As the two droids try to leave Princess Leia's stricken ship in an escape pod from, a Destroyer commander turns to a gunner and says:

"There goes another one...don't bother holding your fire, you need the practice."

Luke grows into an old and bitter moisture farmer under the rule of the Empire, thus saving Earth from a series of terrible prequels.


BladeRunner

As Decker lays prone on the roof of a high building in the rain, Roy opens with the sentence:

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe..."

And then proceeds to relate the observational conflict between Hegelian Dialechts and Aristotlian logic. After suffering for ten hours, Deckard manages to crawl to the edge of the roof and hurl himself from it.


Star Trek: The Next Generation - First Contact

Picard forgets where the Borg Cube's weak spots are. The Borg Cube therefore destroys the Enterprise and proceeds to earth - but retreats in dismay after being unable to assimilate Microsoft Windows.


Farscape - the final episode

An insidious alien virus destroys the entire crew's libido. Without repeated sexual friction, nothing much ever happens again.


Star Wars - the Empire Strikes Back


The cunning rebels suspend a long rope all around the distant perimeter of their base. When the fearsome AT-AT walkers appear, they all trip up and the Imperial Invasion is defeated.

Luke quickly meets and defeats Darth Vader, thus saving Earth from ever suffering Ewoks.


Star Wars - Return of the Jedi

The Ewoks eat the entire Endor Moon landing party in a savage display of carnivorous culinary antics, thus saving Earth from a range of plastic action figurines bearing names such as "Chief Chirpa" and "Wicket".


Conan the Barbarian

As James Earl Jones steps forward, intending to decapitate Conan's mother, Jones slips and impales himself upon his own sword, and thus his character's cult is never founded.

Mentally scarred by this childhood experience, Conan grows to shun all things aggressive, and instead becomes one of the world's most respected flower arrangers.


Conan the Destroyer


Facing capture, the Princess suddenly reveals the fruits of her Kung Fu training, thus saving everybody from one of the worst films ever made.



Battlestar Galactica

Succeeding in a most cunning plan, Apollo and Starbuck spike their enemy's water supply with mind expanding drugs, sending the Cylons into a permanent state of giggling happy hippy peace.


Buck Rogers

Faced with a flashing instrument display, Buck finally uses all his might and pilot training to safely return to a present-day Earth filled with leotards and disco music, thus saving himself from a 25th century filled with leotards and disco music.


Battle of the Planets

Mark and Princess hook up and then buy into the suburban dream. Jason discovers his repressed homosexuality and hooks up with Zoltar. Tiny spends the rest of his life with Cheops, working for McDonalds. 7-zero-7 becomes the next CEO of Microsoft.


Metal Mickey

One day Mickey is left outside and it rains. He rusts. No more boogie-boogie.


Armageddon

The viewer presses "eject" before the film even starts. Best possible outcome here.


Lost in Space

They find their way back.


Back to the Future


The Delorean sports car blows a gasket on the first trial run. As no spare-parts exist from the bankrupt suppliers, Michael J Fox continues to accept his mom for being the special person she is.


Alien

Ripley blows out the cat instead by mistake. The alien eats Ripley, then learns the ship controls and hotrods it through the universe.


Aliens

Ripley discovers an allergy to the alien species and drops her flame-thrower in a sneezing fit. The aliens try to eat the cute token kid, but even they can't stomach that. The aliens allow Ripley to leave unmolested so long as she gets the child away.

...

...
 
Hehe, that's funny, I like the Star Trek one. Can you write me a Blakes 7 one?
 
Those are great!

I like this thread already!

--------------------------------------------------------------​

The Matrix

Neo takes the blue pill and lives out his life as Mr. Anderson, a nerdy reclusive computer programmer with a paranoid delusion of grandeur.​



Armageddon (Alternative Ending #2)

A team of oil-rig workers in space realise they haven't a f*cking clue how to (a) Work complex NASA machinery (b) Rig explosives (c) Navigate a shuttle through the tail of a commet (a feat an experienced astronaut would find impossible) and (d) Hop between asteroids on what is fundamentally a moon buggy.​
Upon this realisation the people of earth panic, there is looting, mass suicide, and people endulging every violent instinct they have.​
Everything ends with the destruction of the earth, and only the oil-rig workers and an offensively stereotypical Vodka drinking russian survive. A month later they all die of starvation.
Tagline: We called it Armageddon for a reason!​



Volcano

Tommy Lee Jones, after running into that collapsing building, grabbing the young girl and carrying her to safety sits down and contemplates what he has just done. Upon realising that no other man could possibly have got out of that building in time he goes for a run forest gump style. A half hour later he returns, declaring he has just been to Antartica and met his father Jor-El, he uses ice-breath to stop the lava, but isn't given the hero's welcome he deserved as the people of Los Angeles had the whole thing under control, they had already planned to save the day by parking buses in front of the lava.​



Bowling For Columbine

Charlton Heston touched by the picture left by Moore, rallys to change the US constitution to ban the possession of firearms.​



True Romance

Clarence grabs Alabama's bag brings it home and its full of her clothes. Clarence gets arrested for murder, but when it becomes apparent that he has visions of Elvis, he gets put into a mental hospital. Alabama returns to walking the streets, and everyone lives happily ever after.​



Wayne's World

Wayne: "I booked them man, but they never came"​
Jim Morrison: "He he he, Yeah, I played the same joke on Jimi back in '67"​
Wayne: "Damn it Garth, lets go with that Scooby Doo ending!"​



Evil Dead 3

Ash sits down and watches The Day The Earth Stood Still on a portable DVD player. He repeats the robots words "Claato Verata Nicto" perfectly, winks at Sam Raimi showing his knowledge of pop culture, takes the Necronomicon off its pedestal and returns home to work as a Lumberjack with a chainsaw for an arm. Sure he could've stayed in the past. Could've even been king. But in his own way, he is king.​



American Pie

After a brief "6 months earlier" sequence showing a toxic waste truck crashing into a police van, the action cuts back to life at the high school. Jack Frost then runs riot on the set, Shannon Elizabeth sees him, recognises him, remembers the time they had together, realises she is not a virgin and runs away, everybody else then proceeds to be horrificly murdered on the set by an evil snowman, whilst trying to lose their virginity. There are no sequels, everybody leaves the cinema an hour and a half later, full of joy about the masterpiece of horror cheese they had just witnessed.​



Lord of the Rings

Upon Mount Doom, Sauron stands tall. He removes his helmet to reveal the face of Skeletor. He looks up, turns to camera and declares in a camp voice, "I told you I'd back". Frodo then pulls out the ring, places it into a Japanese synthesiser, plays a magical tune, and the universe is saved.​
 
I get the sneaking suspicion you don't like ewoks Brian ;). Those are pretty good, maybe you guys should move to Hollywood and start new lives as screenwriters :D.
 
Matrix 3

The film ends as usual, you see Neo become one with the machine, then you hear Mr. Smith's voice...

"Mr Anderson, Mr Anderson, come back to us.... Theres nothing we can do for him now.... Nurse.... Nurse... NURSE!!! Give him 20cc's of diazepam and strap him to the bed."

*sound of door slamming*

*sound of lunatics laughing*

"Trinity, Trinity"

"another 10cc's"

*Wake up by RATM begins*

*roll credits*
 
2001: A Space Odessey:

One of the ape men accidentally pushes-over the megalith, crushing several of the other apemen and starting a violent frenzy which leaves them all dead or wounded, where upon the leopards eat them all.

Jurrassic Park:

One of the raptors steals Muldoon's shotgun and, much to everyones suprise, proceeds to round up the humans into the lobby while it negotiates for the island's independence from Costa Rica over the phone. After several hard days of talks, independence for the island of Isla Nubla is secured and the humans are released into the care of UN peacekeepers.

Goldfinger:

Unfortunately for Mr Bond, one of the laser technicians is the son of a recently-dispatched anonymous henchman, and turns the laser to full strength. He is fired without severance.
 
This is a thread, I think, that has considerable new material lying in wait from more recent movies....in that spirit, I offer:

Independence Day: (not necessarily that much newer, but not listed above)

The helicopter sent to "communicate" with the Aliens plays a Brittney Spears video (insert one of your choice) instead of the sound clips and flashing lights. The Aliens, who also see Wil Smith's dialogue lying in wait further into the script, withdraw from the solar system, screaming in pain.

Kill Bill, Vol. II:

Having decided enough is enough, Pai Mei uses the 5 Point Exploding Palm Technique on Beatrix instead of teaching it to her. Beatrix's ensuing thoracic explosion creates a time warp, (un)commonly seen when character origins are released after their introductory features, that not only ends Vol. II but also erases Vol. I from the memory of anyone who saw it.

Bridge to Terabithia:
The Skrogar, being in truth far more vicious than even imagination could overcome, eat Leslie and Jess, then proceed on a bloody rampage thru the South that rivals even Sherman's.
 
The 1950s alternatives



"Them"... The giant ants move into LA's storm drains, become unionised and the most productive workers in the city. Through their efforts it becomes impossible for terminators to chase each other through storm drains, or for space shuttles to land in them.

"Forbidden Planet"... The monster from the Id realises that it was all his mother's fault. Instead of attacking the star ship it checks into long term rehab on Salvation IV.

"The Incredible Shrinking Man"... is mistaken for a GI Joe toy and is shrink wrapped to death.

"The Day the Earth Stood Still"... Klaatu realises that xenocide is not a peaceful resolution to the slightly warlike human problem. He then intervenes in all future SF scripts where humans go on trial for their existence, explaining the underlying philosophical contradiction. He is later killed and eaten by a fictional ewok. Gort becomes an agony aunt.
 
Found it in the archives, Dave, and nearly asphyxiated upon reading it. Decided that others might benefit from temporary oxygen deprivation, and here we are....kudos to Brian for a hilarious venue.
 
I think you've covered most things. All I could come up with is...

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

The enormous mothership lands, but it doesn't return the people who had been abducted over the years. Instead, the UFOs take Roy onboard their ship and perform a detailed physical examination. The UFO occupants then mutilate some cattle, and make crop circles before leaving again.
 
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Hogwarts, having been hit hard by the credit crunch, give up on owls and use the Royal Mail to deliver post instead. Sadly, the boys in red misplace Harry's letter, and Mr. Potter lives out the rest of his days in the cupboard under the stairs, where he contracts bad asthma from the dust and dies, coughing fitfully, when the Dursleys are out one day. Voldemort's reign of terror beins anew.
 
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

The Professor's housekeeper sees Lucy about to clamber into the Wardrobe, races into the room, drags her out, and with a stern lecture about getting trapped in old furniture, hustles her from the room, locking the door behind her and taking the key. The children never enter Narnia, and the White Witch reigns forever.
 
Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End:
The script writers, being zealous Detroit Red Wing hockey fans, abduct Davy Jones and throw him and his heart onto the ice during an overtime loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins, thereby eliminating Wil's object of revenge, Lord Beckett's captive "lap dog" and Jack's adversary in one fell stroke.
 

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