I started this sillyness when I first built Alternative Worlds, while planning to build a humour section.
Anyway - let cynicism reign!
ALTERNATIVE ENDINGS
For F/SF TV and Film
(for sci-fi section)
Star Wars - A New Hope
As the two droids try to leave Princess Leia's stricken ship in an escape pod from, a Destroyer commander turns to a gunner and says:
"There goes another one...don't bother holding your fire, you need the practice."
Luke grows into an old and bitter moisture farmer under the rule of the Empire, thus saving Earth from a series of terrible prequels.
BladeRunner
As Decker lays prone on the roof of a high building in the rain, Roy opens with the sentence:
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe..."
And then proceeds to relate the observational conflict between Hegelian Dialechts and Aristotlian logic. After suffering for ten hours, Deckard manages to crawl to the edge of the roof and hurl himself from it.
Star Trek: The Next Generation - First Contact
Picard forgets where the Borg Cube's weak spots are. The Borg Cube therefore destroys the Enterprise and proceeds to earth - but retreats in dismay after being unable to assimilate Microsoft Windows.
Farscape - the final episode
An insidious alien virus destroys the entire crew's libido. Without repeated sexual friction, nothing much ever happens again.
Star Wars - the Empire Strikes Back
The cunning rebels suspend a long rope all around the distant perimeter of their base. When the fearsome AT-AT walkers appear, they all trip up and the Imperial Invasion is defeated.
Luke quickly meets and defeats Darth Vader, thus saving Earth from ever suffering Ewoks.
Star Wars - Return of the Jedi
The Ewoks eat the entire Endor Moon landing party in a savage display of carnivorous culinary antics, thus saving Earth from a range of plastic action figurines bearing names such as "Chief Chirpa" and "Wicket".
Conan the Barbarian
As James Earl Jones steps forward, intending to decapitate Conan's mother, Jones slips and impales himself upon his own sword, and thus his character's cult is never founded.
Mentally scarred by this childhood experience, Conan grows to shun all things aggressive, and instead becomes one of the world's most respected flower arrangers.
Conan the Destroyer
Facing capture, the Princess suddenly reveals the fruits of her Kung Fu training, thus saving everybody from one of the worst films ever made.
Battlestar Galactica
Succeeding in a most cunning plan, Apollo and Starbuck spike their enemy's water supply with mind expanding drugs, sending the Cylons into a permanent state of giggling happy hippy peace.
Buck Rogers
Faced with a flashing instrument display, Buck finally uses all his might and pilot training to safely return to a present-day Earth filled with leotards and disco music, thus saving himself from a 25th century filled with leotards and disco music.
Battle of the Planets
Mark and Princess hook up and then buy into the suburban dream. Jason discovers his repressed homosexuality and hooks up with Zoltar. Tiny spends the rest of his life with Cheops, working for McDonalds. 7-zero-7 becomes the next CEO of Microsoft.
Metal Mickey
One day Mickey is left outside and it rains. He rusts. No more boogie-boogie.
Armageddon
The viewer presses "eject" before the film even starts. Best possible outcome here.
Lost in Space
They find their way back.
Back to the Future
The Delorean sports car blows a gasket on the first trial run. As no spare-parts exist from the bankrupt suppliers, Michael J Fox continues to accept his mom for being the special person she is.
Alien
Ripley blows out the cat instead by mistake. The alien eats Ripley, then learns the ship controls and hotrods it through the universe.
Aliens
Ripley discovers an allergy to the alien species and drops her flame-thrower in a sneezing fit. The aliens try to eat the cute token kid, but even they can't stomach that. The aliens allow Ripley to leave unmolested so long as she gets the child away.
...
...
Anyway - let cynicism reign!
ALTERNATIVE ENDINGS
For F/SF TV and Film
(for sci-fi section)
Star Wars - A New Hope
As the two droids try to leave Princess Leia's stricken ship in an escape pod from, a Destroyer commander turns to a gunner and says:
"There goes another one...don't bother holding your fire, you need the practice."
Luke grows into an old and bitter moisture farmer under the rule of the Empire, thus saving Earth from a series of terrible prequels.
BladeRunner
As Decker lays prone on the roof of a high building in the rain, Roy opens with the sentence:
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe..."
And then proceeds to relate the observational conflict between Hegelian Dialechts and Aristotlian logic. After suffering for ten hours, Deckard manages to crawl to the edge of the roof and hurl himself from it.
Star Trek: The Next Generation - First Contact
Picard forgets where the Borg Cube's weak spots are. The Borg Cube therefore destroys the Enterprise and proceeds to earth - but retreats in dismay after being unable to assimilate Microsoft Windows.
Farscape - the final episode
An insidious alien virus destroys the entire crew's libido. Without repeated sexual friction, nothing much ever happens again.
Star Wars - the Empire Strikes Back
The cunning rebels suspend a long rope all around the distant perimeter of their base. When the fearsome AT-AT walkers appear, they all trip up and the Imperial Invasion is defeated.
Luke quickly meets and defeats Darth Vader, thus saving Earth from ever suffering Ewoks.
Star Wars - Return of the Jedi
The Ewoks eat the entire Endor Moon landing party in a savage display of carnivorous culinary antics, thus saving Earth from a range of plastic action figurines bearing names such as "Chief Chirpa" and "Wicket".
Conan the Barbarian
As James Earl Jones steps forward, intending to decapitate Conan's mother, Jones slips and impales himself upon his own sword, and thus his character's cult is never founded.
Mentally scarred by this childhood experience, Conan grows to shun all things aggressive, and instead becomes one of the world's most respected flower arrangers.
Conan the Destroyer
Facing capture, the Princess suddenly reveals the fruits of her Kung Fu training, thus saving everybody from one of the worst films ever made.
Battlestar Galactica
Succeeding in a most cunning plan, Apollo and Starbuck spike their enemy's water supply with mind expanding drugs, sending the Cylons into a permanent state of giggling happy hippy peace.
Buck Rogers
Faced with a flashing instrument display, Buck finally uses all his might and pilot training to safely return to a present-day Earth filled with leotards and disco music, thus saving himself from a 25th century filled with leotards and disco music.
Battle of the Planets
Mark and Princess hook up and then buy into the suburban dream. Jason discovers his repressed homosexuality and hooks up with Zoltar. Tiny spends the rest of his life with Cheops, working for McDonalds. 7-zero-7 becomes the next CEO of Microsoft.
Metal Mickey
One day Mickey is left outside and it rains. He rusts. No more boogie-boogie.
Armageddon
The viewer presses "eject" before the film even starts. Best possible outcome here.
Lost in Space
They find their way back.
Back to the Future
The Delorean sports car blows a gasket on the first trial run. As no spare-parts exist from the bankrupt suppliers, Michael J Fox continues to accept his mom for being the special person she is.
Alien
Ripley blows out the cat instead by mistake. The alien eats Ripley, then learns the ship controls and hotrods it through the universe.
Aliens
Ripley discovers an allergy to the alien species and drops her flame-thrower in a sneezing fit. The aliens try to eat the cute token kid, but even they can't stomach that. The aliens allow Ripley to leave unmolested so long as she gets the child away.
...
...