Soulless
Jammill,
For Hannah is really powerful, and while not comical, it still has it's humorous moment, which did not, in my opinion, mess with the effect at all. Well done! I just hope no one finds it offensive....
(Squirms back into the doghouse with tail between legs).
Hi, just thought I'd put one of my more SF minded poems up, see what kind of reaction it gets, so far what I've read on this thread has been amazing so apologies for lack of rhymes, it's something that I just cannot seem to do without it looking forced and Shakepearean...congratulations on rhyming and being amazing, they read as if the rhyme is just a happy accident and I salute your skill...I try to give mine a rhythm, but I may just be seeing that from over-familiarity...anyway, I hope you like it...
Life
Endless moments.
Wanted or not.
Those unlucky few whose moment last
A lifetime,
Their unasked for responsibilities,
Overshadowing freedom.
Those unlucky few whose moments,
Never happen.
Obsessing over moments past,
Moments untaken,
Life of regrets.
Those unlucky few whose moments,
Never arrive.
Moments wander by,
The next always greater
And still ungrasped.
These moments' greatness only realised
Once ghosting.
That lucky one, artificial, rejoices
In its immortal moment.
Doing the one thing its creators couldn’t.
Live.
I wouldn't worry about rhyming, but if you did write something you wanted to add this kind of sound to, you can always go with a
near-rhyme (you should see examples of that in my piece below).
Since you want a reaction, I'll have a go. I like the language you use, and the repetition of "those unlucky few" (simply because I like the way those words sound together). It feels like poetic use rather than a prosy use. "Once ghosting," I think, is a good example of this.
However, I think this piece would benefit greatly with some more
concrete imagery. Imagery, and visualization, is just as important in poetry as it is in fiction and it really brings a poem to life. Some description and some action instead of just a bit of abstract exposition. For example, show me the machine that lives or something that's going on around it, what separates it from the unlucky ones?
Since it feels like it's the robot's POV, what does he imagine, specifically, are the "moment's past" the others are "obsessing" over?
The imagery you use doesn't have to be based on my questions, since I'm just posing them to give you something to think about. I'm sure you can work something in there, something you feel is important to the piece, that works.
Keep writing! I hope you'll post more. A revision of this one would also be very much anticipated.
Okay. My turn again! Have a look at this, my most recent attempt to write contemporary heavy metal lyrics, which I posted on my blog a couple days ago:
Soulless
Fetid roses at your feet,
long bitter songs in the wind.
Gray stone crosses, shadows keep,
bury deep our raging sins.
You want to know me
and I want to touch you.
Drive my show,
drive your hollow cure.
Under soulless moon where we linger,
slide the ring of youth on my finger.
Tell me how much you love me,
I tell you how much I care.
Tell me how much you love me,
I tell you how much I care.
Not a damn bit…
not a
damn bit.
Stranger kisses in my ear,
the looks we shared on display.
Forced to swallow toxic years
for everything we betrayed.
You want to kill me
and I won’t let you go.
Drive my nut,
drive your frozen core.
Under soulless moon where we linger,
slide the ring of death on my finger.
Tell me how much you hate me,
I tell you how much I care.
Tell me how much you hate me,
I tell you how much I care.
With all my heart…
all of my heart.
EDIT: @Victoria: I forgot to say I don't know the poem to which you allude, but I like what you wrote. Last two lines really bring it home, too.
Ooh. They're really is a lot of good stuff in this thread.
