Talya Belaque

[dreir]

*Raises up both hands in the air*

Err.. Bman.. Mentioning Harry Potter was a bad idea. Rooky wasn't talking about the 'fantastic' things that go on in fantasy/sf stories. You're just gonna annoy him even more now.

Nice example, btw. I was actually about to include my own which would've been along the lines of Kill Bill and exploding hearts in my earlier post, but I didn't want anyone to end up trying out the move in case it does work!

Btw, wrestling is real. I mean, how can it not be?

- Dreir -

ps: Never disrespect wrestlers, though. They have quite possibly the toughest careers on the planet. They have all this dialogue to memorise (there are no 'takes'), they have to act in one continuous shot, and they have to do all of those crazy stunts on their own. Mr De Niro looks like an amateur beside these guys.

 

[HareBrain]

If there is a SWAT team member out there (for example) who, when reading the story, insists that death by a thumb to the windpipe is not possible, simply because he's never done it before, that hardly means the other 95% of your readers would think the same.

You're expecting a readership of twenty people? Let nobody say that you lack ambition.

 

[Michael01]

*Raises hands*

That's right. It was believable, and that was enough for me.

In fact, this story looks better than some published work I've read. And I don't mean books from vanities and PODs either. I mean books like Vampire$ by John Steakley. I thought that book was just horrible, but Roc still published it and John Carpenter made a movie based on it!

In my opinion, Sapheron's work is infinitely more deserving of publication than Vampire$.

Oh ... incidentally, both my cousin and my brother, who love wrestling, say it's all choreographed. Even if it is, some of that stuff has still got to hurt - a lot.

EDIT: You slipped that in there quick, HareBrain. Pretty funny too.

 

[dreir]

You're expecting a readership of twenty people? Let nobody say that you lack ambition.

That's about as many as I could afford to pay to read my books!

Err.. Michael.. You do realise that I was being sarcastic about wrestling being real, right? Still, they're the hardest working actors you'll ever find, considering their working environment. Except maybe those guys who get paid to pretend to be statues for hours at a time. Ouch.

- Dreir -

 

[Michael01]

Well, yes, of course!

 

[Sapheron]

Blackrook, allow me to politely disagree. Accuracy is a spice. Too much is as bad as too little; they both bugger the whole thing up.

Yeah, looks like this is what went the most wrong. In my original defence, I was saying this because what I said (as in the thumb to neck thing) -was- factually correct. I tried to get this across, but was still told after this to check up on it. I don't need to. I know this works.

So, I admit what I wrote in the quote was in anger (well, annoyance, at least). I hold with it though. I'll clarify, in terms of combat still, because that's what I know best.

A professional fighter will not kick above the waist (or at least most won't; there is the odd exception). It's silly; most won't even kick above knee level. How many books, films, TV shows, and whatever else, have you seen where someone kicks someone in the face? That's stupid. You'd end up on the floor trying it half the time, and rest of the time you'd just miss. Realism, in these cases, is sacrificed for the sake of showmanship. I'd make the sacrifice myself, and I know for a fact that it's utterly incorrect.

Now, other people may place more value on realism than I, and might have their characters walk up to each other, before one performs a kick to the knee, thus breaking it and ending the fight instantly. A move that is both hard to defend against and relatively easy to perform; the exact sort of thing a proffessional would use. Oh, what a climatic final scene that would be. It would last the whole of ten seconds. There wouldn't even be any dialogue. Why would they speak to each other? That's unrealistic, again.

I hope I've cleared up why I said what I did, and I'm happy to appologise for any offence I've caused through misunderstanding.

 

[Boneman]

By Sapheron

I'm happy to appologise for any offence I've caused through misunderstanding.

You can't cause offense, people choose to be offended...or not. I couldn't see a thing wrong with what you said, so I was was not offended in the least!

 

[Precision Grace]

Ooo. I miss The Rock! Why did he have to go and become all Dwayne - is so boring. Anyhoo where was we?

Oh ya, offer a critique but don't get all sanctimonious if the writer chooses to disregard your advice. Even if you are right. Although, this time you were not, the windpipe thing definitely works.

And I'd agree with Michael that the quality of Sapheron's writing is definitely up there with publication worthy stuff. Tho I aten't all that fond on the topic in this instance, the writing itself is ace.

Edit. Unlike mine. jeez

 

[dreir]

To clarify (just in case), I wasn't offended, either, obviously. I was really absolutely fine with Saphy's post, because I understood where he was talking from. It's just that I couldn't help trying to be the middle-man in these sorts of things. I hate it when people fight/argue (though of course such terms would be overkill in this case) because of a simple misunderstanding or other some such, and I always feel this really great urge to interfere. Oh well..

*Gives everyone a hug*

- Dreir -

 

[Blackrook]

Let me get back on track because I think some people misunderstood me. And if I acted "santicimonious" I apologize. I simply was reacting to the statement that accuracy is unimportant.

Let's return to the thumb in the windpipe. This is how you begin the story and therefore defines the rest. People will assume that you are laying down a foundation of what your story is and their expectations will be built from that foundation.

Since you went to all the trouble of giving Talya a very real and accurate way of killing someone, people will assume that the rest that follows is real and accurate.

If you want a story with fantasy killing moves that have nothing to do with reality then start off that way and people will accept it. Have Talya kill someone instantly with the Martian Thumb of Death applied to just the right place on the windpipe.

Your story is not a movie, a TV show, or a comic book. A higher degree of realism is expected in the written word. This is especially true in the military genre. Your story is in the military genre, despite its sci-fi setting so you're going to have a very particular type of reader.

Military genre readers are 99.9999% male. Many of them are military and veterans. Many of them are wannabees who collect guns, ammunition, and read military history and can tell you exactly what kind of rifle Soviet soldiers were issued in World War II and what kind of ammo they used.

Even in a sci-fi setting, military genre readers are interested in the details. They want to know exactly what kind of weapon the hero is using, what kind of bullets he's using, what kind of grenades he's throwing, what kind of armor he's wearing, etc. They want to know the country that manufacturered these items, the name of the manufacturer, the model number, and a description of how these items work on a battlefield.

In a historical military setting, you must not deviate slightly from historical accuracy because your readers will know. In a sci-fi setting you have to make it all up, but it has to sound plausible in the world you have created. For example, if your hero is fighting a war in the near future with weapons that haven't been invented yet, he should use weapons manufactured in Western nations by Western manufacturers with models that sound similar to models already in existence. The villains should use Russian and Chinese weapons, and these should also be described.

If all this sounds onerous to you then you're not alone. I also find it onerous, which is why I don't read military genre sci-fi. But it can be done without sacrificing good writing, especially if your weapons are creative and the hero uses them in creative ways. Read the first chapter of Starship Troopers.

And I will readress two prior points.

"Tanya" is a character from the Red Alert computer game series. Your readers are going to know about Tanya and will wonder why your character has a name so similar and does pretty much the same thing. That is not a question you want your readers asking.

You do not need to give Talya a psych eval, but it would be good to know what she is thinking. We see what she does. We hear what she says. But you are not letting us into her head. If you want readers to identify with Talya, instead of just watching her at a distance, you need to let us know what makes her "tick".

Obviously, it's your story. I am not saying it is not your story. But my understanding is that the purpose of this forum is to get a second pair of eyes on your story so you can make changes that will make it more likely to be published. If you were working with an editor at a publishing house, I feel fairly certain he or she would have the same issues I am having.

I am not a rank amateur at this writing business. I was a journalism major for two years and learned how to write like a professional from a reporter at the Los Angeles Times. I am not a writer by profession, but I do write for a living, and I am well paid for it. The writing skills I learned in college have made me very successful at what I do. I am not telling you this in boast, but so that you understand where my advice is coming from.

 

[Laiko Su Katara]

This was interesting.
I notice your story is brutal, hard and dark :/

Why are we all going toward a dark future? >.<

I like it however and I can learn from your writing.
I especially like all the details and the dialogs that never get boring.