Will This Night Never End

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Jefferson Blvd. huh? a very long street as I recall. FWIW the US spelling is tires, not tyres.
Otherwise, onward! What's going to happen? Will Harry show up? Will hell break loose?
 
Gets annoying when you can't find anything wrong with it, so just an (annoyed) nitpick. You've been setting us up for Harry Furie all the way, so wouldn't this line (when it appears the first time):

Harry Furie was dead, he had to be.

be better just as 'Harry Furie was dead'. That would sit much better with the laconic style that Helath has, and although he's becoming a bit pissed at all these messages, you hold back his thoughts from us better, and tell us more by telling us less. Then, when you fill in the back story, the last line could be:

'Harry Furie was dead. I wish he'd stop sending me his regards this way.'

This way it appears that Helath knows more than he's letting on, and you stay in his style so much better.

Great stuff, Reiver. Any minute now I'll tell you to stop posting and finish the book elsewhere, as it will obviously be good enough to publish...:)
 
Great stuff, Reiver. Any minute now I'll tell you to stop posting and finish the book elsewhere, as it will obviously be good enough to publish...:)

No, don't! I want to read it and I may not recognise the name when I see it on a book....
 
Aunt Maybelline? Lol.

I have to confess, this is the first time I've read any of this. I'm not sure why. (Possibly it's because since I know I'm going to be reading your stuff almost wholly for pleasure, I wait until it's achieved a certain aggregate length before I get stuck in.) I ploughed through it, and would almost certainly have carried on doing so had it been hundreds of pages longer. It's great.

But I'd think seriously about Boneman's warning. Much as I liked Whisper My Name, I think this is even better, and more immediately engaging, and if you think you might possibly want to publish at some stage, you should finish this without posting much more and try to get some interest in it.
 
As this is my last of 4 nightshifts I thought I'd spend the time creatively...

Eight

I needed a drink.

I set off for The Bolthole, barging past a few pedestrians, ignoring the resulting catcalls and insults. They were all just talk, so I guess the look on my face was an open warning.

Harry Furie was dead. Period.

I was just imagining these messages, the same as I imagined the Imp. Just products of a bullet-damaged brain after the trauma of seeing that kid’s face blown off. A kid who maybe looked a bit like me, but that was just a weird coincidence. I was being paid good money to find out who the shooter was, and that was that. But first I needed a drink.

Round the side of The Bolthole I hesitated, wondering what to do with my gun. Everyone knew I didn’t carry a piece, that was Jimmy. Harry, when he was around, handled any rough stuff and I was on hand with a camera and smart mouth. Waltzing in with a heavy piece of ordnance was bound to raise a few eyebrows, and I could do without the extra attention.

I unslung the Webley and stashed it behind some mouldering beer crates, along with my spare ammo wrapped in a handkerchief. There didn’t seem to be anyone about but I stood there a good five minutes, invisible in the shadows, just to be sure. Given how I’d been tailed to the Blue Cat it looked like I was up against pros, and while there had been only one shooter that didn’t mean he’d been alone. No-one who passed by seemed interested in my location - no side glances, no hesitation in their step – so I figured the coast was clear. I stepped up to the door, jacket hanging down my back on a hooked finger, and knocked.

There was a pause, a long pause, and I was starting to wonder if Anton had finally called it a day when a light went on inside.

“We’re closed.”

“Who’s that? This is Luke, Luke Helath. I’m a pal of Bud Bundy. We play poker together.”

Bud was Anton’s partner and the last I knew he was in a Bakersfield clinic with a bad case of the DT’s. You didn’t say you were a friend of Anton. Anton didn’t have any friends.

The door opened a crack and a slightly built guy peered out. I recognised him from the pomade he always wore.

“Essling, that you? Let me in, man, I need a drink.”

I pushed the door open and stepped in past Essling, who closed it behind me. He was an Austrian lawyer who had upped sticks for the US when Adolf started comin’ round the mountain. Essling was a real poster boy for immigrant integration and had shed his accent like leaves in the Fall. These days he sounded like he’d been taught English by W.C. Fields and the contrast usually made me smile, but not now.

“There’s a game on, so unless you’re packing some serious cash I doubt Anton will be pleased to see you. He’s in a bit of a mood this evening.”

I smiled and patted his cheek in the way I know he hates.

“Lead the way, Essling, I’ve got the best part of four hundred bucks in crisp, new, twenties and a powerful urge to find them some new friends.”

He shrugged off my hand and headed off down the passage, snapping off the light.

“Barely enough, barely. We have a guest with us this evening so mind your manners – Anton doesn’t want him offended.”

I followed the small man into the main bar. It had been cleared of furniture apart from a table and chairs set up under one of the overhead lamps. The rest of the room was in darkness and there was a haze of cigarette smoke being stirred by a heavy-bladed ceiling fan. The other two men at the table were Dorn and a big negro I didn’t recognise.

Dorn was a Jewish pork butcher and a one-time associate of Mickey Cohen. The rumour was he would use his premises to make bodies disappear, and he certainly had the strength to hack off a man’s leg using a cleaver. He grunted by way of recognition and continued shuffling the deck. They’d obviously been playing for some time and the table was cluttered with short glasses. Anton had run out of beer a while ago and was down to the hard liquor. The big negro stood as we stepped up to the table and Essling made the introductions.

“Mr Beaumont, this here is Luke Helath. Luke is one of those seedy private eyes that dig the dirt on unhappily married spouses. Luke, this is Mr Marcus Beaumont, of New Orleans – sorry, N’awlins. Up here on business.”

We were all in shirt sleeves and loosened ties apart from Beaumont, who wore jacket and cravat, complete with diamond pin. He also sported diamond stud cufflinks and a gold earring on the left, although there was nothing remotely effeminate about him. Up close he looked more Creole than coloured, with jaundiced eyes. He gave me a wide grin and held out his hand.

“Sho’ pleased to make your acquaintance, Massa Helath.”

I froze, hand extended. He hadn’t quite rolled his eyes but the moment was pure Uncle Tom. Dorn snorted, Essling sniggered. When Beaumont spoke again it was in a rich baritone; a measured, educated voice.

“Please excuse the theatricality, Mr Helath, just my little joke. No offence taken, I trust?”

I took the offered hand and shook. His skin was like warm velvet – here was a man who had never worked a day’s manual labour in his life.

“None taken, Mr Beaumont, although I can see that little stunt being less well received amongst our Southern cousins. You’re from New Orleans, you say?”

“Call me Marcus. New Orleans, Mobile, Baton Rouge – my work has taken me to many places, and now to this fine city.”

I hung my jacket on a chair back and turned to the bar, inspecting the row of half-and-empty bottles.

“And what is it you do, Marcus?”

“I’m an insurance agent. I’ve just transferred to the Los Angeles office and wanted to meet some of our major policy holders. Anton kindly invited me to join their little game of cards. Do you play poker, Mr Helath?”

I selected a bottle of Jim Beam and started rooting around for a semi-clean glass.

“Its been known. Insurance agent? I wouldn’t have thought Anton was in the market for another policy. Where is he, anyway?”

“The restroom. Well, more of an insurance investigator, actually. I specialise in cases of suspected arson.”

I paused in the act of pouring myself a generous measure. An arson investigator who cozied up to a client before a fire? That sounded more like a sales pitch to me, and I was pretty sure Anton would be interested. Once the booze was gone, of course. Having filled my glass I returned to the table and pulled up a chair.

“Arson? You enjoy your work?”

Beaumont smiled and looked me straight in the eye.

“I’ve always enjoyed playing with fire. One of those elemental urges – it’s why Hell is always so emotive. It’s where most of us are destined to end up, after all.”
 
I only had time to read ONE and I've fallen in love with the character. Without you having given a direct description of him, I already have a great feel for who he is, just from his thoughts. I also love his sense of humor ^^ that's what's so great about first person VP, you get to hear the character's thoughts at almost every moment.
I also really enjoyed Imp; I think he (or does it have no gender?) adds a whole new perspective to Helath's personality. I'll have to ask my own Imp sometime, his name is Zilrin, whether everyone has an Imp or not. I'll have to wait until he makes it out of that box I locked him in after he set my hair on fire... twice. :3
Anyways, really liked it, hope to read more.
 
I love this story, and feel lucky that you have posted so much...but I agree that perhaps, as selfishly as I would love more, you should be wary of sharing it all for fear you may hamper your chances on getting it published?

I'd love to see this make it to print.
 
I don't like first person POV and I don't like private detective stories.

But oh gods, I just loved this!

I really hope you've got more.

The imp is just glorious and I'm hoping he might turn out to be real.
 
Nine

Before I could come up with some smart-ass reply Anton returned from the restroom. He was a former prize-fighter, with only a glazed left eye, The Bolthole and a failed marriage to show for his trouble. He’d hired us to check up on his wife and I’d been the one to break the bad news that she and his barman were spending time at the Falcon Motel on Juniper. Both wife and barman vanished soon afterwards, and I’d always wondered if they ended up paying a visit to Dorn’s.

Anton was a big man who liked the company of other big men. At a spit under six feet I was usually the shorted one there, apart from Essling, who they seemed to keep around like some kind of mascot. There was always an air of simmering violence at his poker games that I found refreshing – everyone knew that if you stepped out of line there would be consequences, so it made for polite society. Of sorts.

That night Anton didn’t seem pleased to see me.

“Helath? All you do is bring me bad news and drink my booze. Unless you’re here to play, take a hike.”

I gestured with my glass towards the stack of bills on the table.

“That good enough, Anton? Anyway, as I remember it, you tend to lose when we play.”

He snorted and sat down, lifting an open bottle of whisky from the floor beside his chair.

“Everyone seems to want a piece of me these days, Helath, so I don’t see why you should be any different. Come on, guys, are we playing or what?”

We sat, we played poker, we drank, we discussed broads and sports.

I won.

Oh sure, I lost hands as well, but when Marcus was dealing I won big. It took me a couple of times round the table to realise that when he handled the cards we all ended up with good hands, hands you would feel confident raising on. Except mine was always primo. The third time in happened I folded a pair of kings straight off the bat, rather than take their money. Beaumont had this permanent sly smile on his face while he played, like he was enjoying some private joke, and it never faltered as I stood and stretched.

I went to the restroom and splashed cold water on my face, looked at my reflection in the fly-blown mirror. Light from the buzzing overhead didn’t do me any favours and I looked tired, bone-weary. The booze probably wasn’t a good idea but while I drank I wasn’t thinking about some gun-toting dame out there, looking for me. I sighed and rubbed my eyes.

“There’s a bus to Tijuana every hour. You’re up, what, the best part of nine hundred? That would go a long way in Mexico, a long way. Rice, beans, hundred-proof liquor, some shore-front cantina to hole up in. You could do worse.”

When I looked again I could see the Imp behind me, sitting on the partition between stalls. He sounded almost sympathetic and I eyed him suspiciously.

“I’m touched, really. Now if you just stay here and leave me the hell alone, I might even consider it. Or I could try flushing you down the john and get back to the game, your choice.”

He laughed, which came out more a throaty grumble.

“Hell, I just wanted to see the look on the face when you got arrested by the border patrol, that’s all. You can bet your bottom dollar that Detective First Grade Wolff has your description on an all-points by now, just in case you have pressing business out of state. So you can forget Mexico, pal, that boat has sailed.”

I swore and went back to the bar. Essling had folded as well and we both took a look at what booze remained on offer. He dusted down a solitary bottle of red wine while I raised a bottle of clear liquid and tried to read the faded label.

Essling set the wine on the bar and turned to me, a hesitant smile on his lips.

“Oh, by the way, Luke, Harry Furie-“

I smashed the bottle I was holding against the side of his head and he staggered back, staring at me with wild eyes. There were old pool cues stacked against the bar and I snatched one up, started swinging with both hands.

“Harry. Furie. Can. Kiss. My. Ass!

The cue shattered and I threw down the stump, clenching my fists. The rak-rak of a pump-action shotgun behind me got my attention and I paused, raised my hands real slow.

“What the hell is going on? Why you beating on Essling like that? Answer me!”

It was Anton, not sounding like he was in the mood for long-winded explanations.

“People have been screwing with me all day, Anton, giving me messages from Harry Furie. Essling started mouthing off the same way and I wanted answers. Private matter, doesn’t concern you.”

“So beating him half to death is your way of getting answers? For your information, Harry Furie borrowed a bundle from Essling before he shipped out. Now, a man’s debts are his own, but given how you’re Furie’s ex-partner, and not short of a few bucks right now, Essling thought you might see your way clear to making good on that debt.”

I winced, my mouth suddenly dry. Essling lolled at my feet, all bloody, hardly moving. I didn’t know what to say, or do, that could make this right. Luckily for me Anton had a more pragmatic approach.

“Pick up your jacket, Helath, and blow. Leave the money, all of it. It’ll pay for a doctor and I’ll see Essling gets what’s left. You better pray he lives though, or it won’t be the cops who come looking for you this time.”

I snagged my jacket and Anton walked me out the way I’d come in, the shotgun two feet from my spine. I opened the side door and hesitated, half turning, but all I could see behind me was darkness.

“Anton, I-“

The muzzle of the gun hit me square in the back and I stumbled forward, falling over some beer crates. By the time I picked myself up the door was closed and barred against me, not that I wanted to witness my handiwork again.

A voice spoke in the darkness; a rich baritone, a measured, educated voice, carrying the suggestion of a sly smile.

“Well, I think it’s time we talked, don’t you?”
 
Reiver33 - I look for your threads first when I come to the critiques section, hoping that you've posted another chapter to any of your stories.

To my delight this morning, there were two!:D:D

I've not commented before on them because I don't feel I have much in the way of constructive critiquing to be able to give.

But I just wanted you to know that I really enjoy your story-telling, and think that you are a great craftsman. I wish I could write as neatly and engagingly as you, and agree with my fellow chronites, please get something together to get published - we'd all love to see your name in print!
 
Just so you know, this piece is on hold while the non-main character back story is being critiqued (everything that takes place 'off camera', as it were). I'm at the stage where I need to be clear in my own mind what's happening (and why) around the MC before I can move on. It's all my own fault for not doing much in the way of pre-planning!
 
And, much as many will miss him, he should stay off-screen, because it's so evidently publishable, that it would be a shame to ruin that chance. I'm sure many here (m'self included) who would relish the chance to be meta readers! :)
 
Reiver, my friend, this wonderful little noire piece has been lingering in limbo for a while. Any chance of a finish?
 
Another segment, seeing as how Clansman asked so nicely...

Ten

I turned towards the voice, hesitant, glancing back towards the side door.

“Beaumont? That you? How’d you get out here so fast?”

He chuckled.

“It’s a little thing called a front door, Luke, you should try it sometime instead of climbing through windows and lurking round rear exits. Normal people use them all the time, so I’m told.”

“Less of the wise cracks. What do you want?”

Either Beaumont had moved closer or my eyes were adjusting to the gloom but I realised he was holding a small calibre automatic. He gestured with it, his voice sounding almost apologetic.

“This? Purely a bargaining tool, designed to get your attention. Now kindly toss whatever firearm you’re carrying over here. Slow movements, if you please.”

It was my turn to smile and I spread my arms wide.

“I don’t carry a gun, Marcus, everyone knows that. The law won’t give me a permit and I’d lose my P-I licence toot suite if they caught me packing. Frisk me if you want.”

“Cut the B-S, Helath, you reek of gun smoke. It was obvious despite those Havana’s Dorn was smoking, but if you want to do it the hard way that’s fine by me.”

Despite his size I didn’t have him pegged as someone who enjoyed the rough stuff, so I could see this leaning towards a disabling shot to the leg. I tensed up, wondering if it was worthwhile trying to jump him, when another voice spoke from behind me.

“Drop the gun, pal, if you know what’s good for you.”

It was a Latino accent and I sensed rather than saw the looming presence of The Professor over my left shoulder. Beaumont coughed and took a step back, although his gun didn’t waver. It was obvious The Professor was armed, and while I didn’t know what kind of firearm the former boxer favoured, given his bulk it was probably along the lines of a three inch mortar. Beaumont cleared his throat and his self-confident tone had gone.

“Tell your friends to back off, Helath. One step closer and I put you down.”

I laughed, almost, and jerked a thumb towards The Professor.

“Does this look like a man who cares? Forget it, Beaumont, the tough guy act doesn’t suit you. These guys are the real deal and if you don’t play this just right we’re both dead men. I suggest you do as numbnuts here says and drop your piece.”

There was one of those pauses when Fate tosses a coin. I took a deep breath and half turned my head away, fearing the worst.

Beaumont dropped his pistol and held up his hands.

“OK, OK, I’m cool! This is just a personal beef between me and Helath. He was cheating at poker and I wanted my money back, that’s all!”

I let the lie slide as Beaumont was a complication I really didn’t need, whatever he was after. Raul appeared at my other shoulder, removing a silver toothpick and gesturing with it while he spoke.

“Amazes me you’ve lived this long, shamus, if a pussycat like this can get the drop on you. Just as well Mr Gramsci put the word out and Slavik let us know where you were. Now, all this unpleasantness is real fun to watch, but we need Helath in one piece, so you…” he pointed at Beaumont, “…can look him up later. Capishe?”

The negro didn’t hesitate, and was gone. The Professor moved round to cover me with a 12-guage while Raul retrieved the discarded automatic and patted me down. I wasn’t exactly overjoyed at being rescued, as any favour from Gramsci would definitely come with strings attached. Movement caught my eye and I saw the Imp was pulling on a loose thread, unravelling one of Raul’s turn-ups. Luckily both men were now facing me and I was the centre of attention. The Professor spoke.

“Mr Gramsci is displeased at your lack of progress, Mr Helath. And when Mr Gramsci is unhappy, he makes this known.” I saw Raul twitch, and realised the little man was carrying a large bruise on his cheek. “Even if you didn’t want to play detective, all you really had to do was maintain a high profile and give the murderer a second chance. Instead you’ve been running all over town, hiding out in dives and ending up on the wrong end of a gun. If it hadn’t been for my partner and I you could easily have been killed by the wrong person.”

Raul glanced the way Beaumont had gone and slipped the pistol into his jacket pocket.

“Cheating at cards, Helath? That’s low, even for you. Now, how about we take you back to Lorenzo’s, and you sit there, nice and quiet, while we see what happens. Shoot, if The Professor here is quick enough you might even get through this in one piece. ”

I raised my hands in mock surrender.

“Fine, boys, fine! Anything for a quiet life. Look, I left some dough stashed by the door before I went it, just so I wouldn’t be tempted to blow it all at once. Mind if I pick it up before we go? I’ll even stand you a round of drinks at the diner”

Raul waved me away.

“Yeah, yeah, go get the cash. I’ll hold it for you though, kind of like a bail bond against your good behaviour. And no funny business, right?”

I muttered something in agreement and Raul followed me over to the stack of crates by the side door. I bent over, blocking his line of sight with my body while groping around for the Webley.

“Come on, Helath, make with the moola.”

I turned, holding out the wallet I’d taken from the dead guy in the alley. Raul reached for it, not noticing the Webley in my left hand, held down alongside my leg.

“This better be-“

My gun came up quick, the weight of the revolver already straining my wrist, pointing straight at The Professor. He stood there, the shotgun held in one hand, like a toy, his face unreadable in the poor light. I tried for a gravel-voiced, deadly serious, tone.

“Don’t do it, big guy, it’s not worth it. Even if you do get a shot off, Raul here will take most of the blast, and you can see I’m carrying a real cannon. Put the shotgun down and let me walk away. All you have to do is say you got here too late, and I’d already split. No one except Beaumont can say otherwise, and you won’t see him again this side of Christmas.”

The moment stretched out and I could feel my left wrist start to protest at the weight. Raul was white faced and his nerve snapped first.

“Do as he says, Luther! Put the gun down. We’ll let Helath get killed on his own dime.”

Slowly, very slowly, the big man lowered his shotgun to the ground and stepped back. I edged past them, not daring to swap hands, although there were now shooting pains in my wrist and forearm. I saw Raul’s shoulders sag with relief, but The Professor turned as I moved, keeping his eyes on mind. If I’d been a yard closer I’m sure he’d have gone for it, and God knows how that would’ve played out.

I backed away, the distance to the end of the alleyway seemingly endless, until the streetlight began to cast a shadow in front of me. I started to relax slightly, but then the Imp sniggered and I half turned towards him, as it sounded like bad news.

Someone hit me from behind and I fell into the deep, black pool that opened at my feet.
 
And the second part of this segment...

Eleven

I woke up in the trunk of a moving car. Not the first time I’d found myself in this situation, and I kind of hoped it wouldn’t be the last. The back of my head ached and the reek of gasoline filled my nostrils. This wasn’t good.

The car stopped abruptly and I heard a door open. The trunk popped and I tensed, not really able to spring up from my cramped surroundings but I knew my only chance was to take them by surprise.

Nothing happened, and continued to not happen for quite a while.

“You gonna hide in there all night or come out and face the music?”

It was the Imp, standing on the rear fender and peeking in through the narrow gap. I swore under my breath and struggled out, legs failing to support me so that I ended up sagging to the tarmac. I sat with my back against the car – a late model Oldsmobile - trying to work out where I was and how I’d got there.

It was yet another dark, nondescript alley, my natural habitat of late. A commercial district, given there were no signs of life in the surrounding buildings, maybe someplace near Ventura. The Imp stood beside me, warming his hands on the exhaust pipe. He was in easy reach but I didn’t have the enthusiasm to swat him. I felt woozy and thirsty and I was out of smokes. The Imp grinned.

“This is a set-up, bud, pure and simple. I bet something bad happened back at the Bolthole and your prints will be all over the murder weapon.” He sniggered, “Missing anything?”

The Webley. I patted myself down although I didn’t seriously expect to find it tucked in a pocket or stashed in the trunk alongside where I’d been lying. Whoever had gone to the trouble of dumping me here clearly had something drawn-out in mind. I could almost see the flashing neon ‘Fall Guy’ sign over my head, and I didn’t appreciate the starring role. With an effort I stood and made a half-hearted attempt to dust myself down, once the street stopped swaying. My companion shook his head.

“I bet Mexico is looking real good about now. Canada even better. Shame you didn’t blow town when you had the chance.”

“Can it, small fry. Either give me some good news or zip it, I’m really not in the mood.”

The Imp counted off on his fingers.

“Well, one, I’m guessing whoever slugged you used that cannon to off the two Gramsci stooges, and then left it for the police to find. With your prints on it, of course. Two, I bet that stolen wallet will also turn up, linking you, and your gun, to yet another homicide. Three, when they canvass the Bolthole I bet Slavic will give you up over Essling, and-“

I kicked out at him, although the movement made the world swirl.

“I said can it! I don’t need some little runt-“

“And four, all this will make Detective First Grade Woolf smell a rat. A big one.”

I blinked. “Say, what?”

The sudden beam of a torch blinded me and I raised a hand against the light.

“You can’t park that here, mister. Move along or I’ll call the cops.”

A night watchman, just some old coot with an unsteady hand and booze on his breath. I’d no money to buy him off and I seriously doubted whoever had driven me here would have left the keys behind. Short of asking him to look the other way while I hot-wired the sedan I was plumb out of ideas.

“Look, mister, I said you can’t park that-“

His torch flickered and died, and I could see him silhouetted against the end of the alley. It sounded like he was choking, or maybe some kind of seizure, but I wasn’t exactly feeling public spirited enough to help.

Because the shadow he was casting wasn’t his.

It was vague and indistinct, given the only illumination came from lights out on the main street, but it definitely wasn’t moving in time to his fits and jerks. I started sideling away towards the front of the car but then he froze, and spoke. Except it wasn’t his voice.

“You been promised to me, raggedly man, and I’m in a mood to collect. Been following you, watching you. Jealousy, vengeance, discord – they hang round you like dreams. All good things, all my things, and I can see why you was offered up.”

It was a feminine voice, with an almost serpentine hiss to it, and I damn near pissed my pants at the sound of it. My scalp tingled with fear and my mouth was dry, tasting of ashes.

“I give you one chance, raggedly man, one chance. Get me someone better than you, to take your place. She that reached out to me, promised me so much, she’ll do just fine. Hidden from me just now, protected, safe. You find her, bring her out, and I’ll let you walk. For now.”

My tongue felt swollen and unresponsive as I tried to speak.

“Who? Who is she?”

Laughter.

“You know her, raggedy man, you know her good. The woman-in-between she gets called, and she’s looking for you, needs to kill you before this night is done. Doesn’t know what you carry though, doesn’t know it will dispel the shadows. That’s why you got this one chance, one chance...”

The man in front of me pitched forward onto his face and lay still. I didn’t need to check him out to know he was dead, consumed by whatever had just been using him. My legs felt shaky and I leaned against the car roof, desperate for a smoke. Looking down I saw the Imp hiding behind my left leg, peeking out at the body. I cleared my throat, trying not to sound ****-scared.

“What the hell was that? An illusion? A dream?”

He looked up at me.

“A dream to some...” The Imp shivered, “…a nightmare to others.”
 
The Imp dived off a filing cabinet into the over-flowing waste basket and burrowed in, but I didn’t have to worry about him as I know he’s imaginary. He’s been my illusionary companion since I got shot in the head some years back and is only good for back-chat and bad advice, but at that time he wisely kept his little mouth shut.
The story was going so super fast and suspense was being thrown everywhere, and now this Imp pops out? Where'd that come from?

The waste basket spoke; a low-rumble of barely disguised contempt.

“Gutless jerk. You could have stood behind the door and strangled whoever offed the kid with the phone cord.”

I threw a noodle-wrapped fork in the Imp’s general direction.

“Can it, small fry! I didn’t see you exactly leaping to my defence. Looking for the number of a good funeral home, maybe?”

“Naw, you ain’t worth the effort. A loser like you is sure to end up as landfill, or maybe just an unidentifiable body dumped in a storm drain. Although I will miss the chance to dance on your grave, now I come to think of it.”

I cursed the little grey runt under my breath and hauled the phone down from my desk - time to call the law.
The waste basket spoke? It was one of those things where, I knew what you were talking about, you just weren't telling me. Which is pretty confusing.

I would've wrote it as, "The waste basket spoke? It was the Imp."


I stopped reading after the * * * * * because although the suspense and the plot and action was fluid. It just had those elements that were too confusing. Random killers, now and Imp, little boy. There's very little to this story making sense that I have enough to build a foundation on anything happening. There was only a build up of questions but no answers.

I read the first few lines after the * * * * * and I was really anticipating some answers, but he was sitting in a police station talking about war stories. I was hoping for some background on this IMP, or maybe some background on your main character. I didn't get those things, so I was kind of turned off.


Writing

Your writing is fluid and enjoyable. There's some really great images like the light that rocked and forth that your main character hit when he dived for the floor. How you described the kid standing in the doorway was perfect.

Great stuff!

I have a question for you. I noticed you have a serialized post, where you put a continuation of works for critiques. Is that easier for people to critique you? Is there a reason you did it that way?
 
Twelve

The melodrama in his voice made me laugh, despite the situation. More a nervous reaction than genuine humour, but enough to break the tension and get my head back in the game.

“Edgar Allan Poe would be proud of you, short stuff. Remind me to write you a glowing reference if you want a job with the House of Usher. Now, can it while I think.”

The Imp spat in the gutter, his face more surly than usual, and he wandered off. I figured hot-wiring the Oldsmobile was still my best bet, but getting the night watchman out of sight had to come first. From what I could see of the street at the end of the alley it wasn’t heavily travelled, but it would be just my luck if someone spotted the body and decided to play Good Samaritan. At least behind me, beyond the car, seemed to be a dead-end, so I didn’t have to worry on that score.

I moved forward and frisked the old guy, turning out his pockets. His threadbare uniform jacket gave up three dollars and change, plus a bunch of keys I stuffed in my pocket on instinct. No wallet or I-D, so I figured another coat in whatever rat-run he holed up in when not patrolling. There was no sign of what killed him, and I was already trying to rationalise what had happened. Heart attack maybe, coupled with some fancy ventriloquism by the Imp and probable concussion on my part. A bit thin I grant you, but a helluva lot better than the creepy alternative, and I’d had my fill of creepy for one night.

The body was damn light, like a piece of bleached driftwood you find at high-water mark. It was like manhandling a tailor’s dummy, only not so cooperative. When I went to stuff him in the trunk I found I’d been lying on my hat during the journey. The fedora was pretty mangled, but I pushed it back into shape and jammed it on back of my head. You have to keep up appearances, if only for the mug shots.

I slammed the trunk shut and stood there for a moment, feeling my shoulders sag. It was one of those moments when the city draws breath and all is still, a fleeting oasis of calm.

The silence was broken by a ripple of car doors closing, close by.

My sense of self-preservation kicked in and I ducked around in front of the sedan, pausing only to give the trunk a cursory wipe-down. No one lived around here that I could tell, so I figured it was the police responding to the proverbial anonymous tip-off. Probably two units plus a couple of detectives thrown in for good measure, and all too lazy to park any distance from the scene.

“There’s some empty packing cases back a ways. You could curl up in one and pretend to be hobo. Not much of a stretch from where I’m standing.”

It was the Imp, on the sill of a barred window above my head. I ignored him and crouched down, feeling the bunch of keys against my thigh. There was a delivery access just behind me, like the entrance to a storm cellar, and getting off the street seemed like a real good idea. The individual keys weren’t labelled, even if there had been enough light to read by, so I just started fumbling through them as torch beams played across the brickwork above my head. There were low voices but no words I could make out, feeling sweat dripping from my nose as I tried different keys in the lock.

One turned.

I offered up a silent prayer to the god of oiled hinges and pulled one of the doors towards me. It opened with a puff of dust that caught in my nose and I had to clamp down with my free hand while easing myself through the gap. No steps for me to fall down but a gentle concrete ramp, so I was able to lower the door back into position before any of the flatfoots reached the car. The barred window turned out to be shuttered as well, so I found myself in the pitch black, muffling a sneeze with my fedora. The keys slipped from my hand and fell, bouncing off the ramp into jangling oblivion. I turned and started feeling my way forward, figuring I had only a couple of minutes before some smart cookie outside ordered a search of the alley. Finding the door unlocked would warrant at least a cursory search, so I had to find someplace out of sight.

I got the impression of being in a low-ceilinged but open space. The only light was a dim red ‘Exit’ sign ahead of me, but it seemed protected by a labyrinth of piled packing cases and similar hazards to navigation. In short order I gave this up as a bad idea and struck out to my left, which seemed to be less cluttered, just hoping for a break.

The access door behind me opened and a torch beam flickered across the room, providing a degree of uncertain illumination. I ducked down but kept moving towards the black-on-grey mouth of an open corridor.

“Anything down there?”

“Nah, Sarge, just some kind of storage area. It’d take all night to check it out.”

“You can forget that, Parker. I’m not having you hiding down there, sitting on your sorry ass, claiming overtime. Get back up here and make yourself useful.”

“Sarge.”

The light snapped off and in the sudden black-on-black I blundered into a metal extension, nicely positioned at head height. I sat back on the floor and rubbed the stinging skin, cursing under my breath. The Imp spoke from close by.

“Five gets you ten they still try and pin that stiff on you, even though I bet the sedan traces back to Conrad Gramchi.”

“Less of the rampant optimism, short stuff, its making me giddy. Even if they find my prints on the inside of the trunk, I can just claim to be the previous occupant, but from earlier this evening. All I have to do is not be found at the scene and forget this ever happened.”

He sniggered.

“Still doesn’t get you out from under whatever mess has been cooked up for your benefit. Not that you need much help in that respect, given how some people meet a violent end when you’re around. I’d say you’re looking at a triple homicide beef, easy.”

I opened my mouth to reply but the overhead lights flared into life, blinding me.
 
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