Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Thanks, Hope. The idea of the axe was to make the reader worry about what the dog might do to the tree (firewood, anyone?). Alas, so much had to be cut (apart from vegetation) to fit within the word limit.

The distress call was supposed to be Man's dying cry for help, and then the Uplifted inherit the earth. No Masters were harmed by Uplifted dogs in the making of this story.

Vraxial simply arrived too late.
 
Well, as always, mine needed cutting down; the original verse went:-

Ecofable #3. Balance​
​


This desert is an ecocrime
That started once upon a time.

‘Neath trollbridge ambush she awaits
The caprine hoofbeats echoing.
Over the stream that separates
From vertant pastures, flowering plants
Progress adorèd ungulates.

She’s none too bright, can’t understand
On meeting small cliperty-clops
Advantages of bird in hand;
Her dominion of terror stops .

You mustn’t laugh when bullies gruff
Destroy her reign tyranical;
Their kidproduction brings enough
Extinction of botanical.
Where food’s concerned, their loving’s tough.

Without predation from the troll
There’s no population control.
And, lacking limits, soon the flock
Chews back all green to solid rock.
Their sun-bleached skeletons display
On greenless rocks round fired-hard clay.

From bridge traversing dessication
Where rivulet no longer flows,
Regard the lack of vegetation
The goats devour all that grows.
Without her it’s deforestation.
Long term survival needs predation

The moral being:- don’t be fooled
By silky coat or liquid eye.
The omnivore has to be ruled,
Lest his recources, and he, die.
Not democratic, no, nor nice
And yet survival’s worth the price.​

As you can see, aimed at the junior market, full of the preaching so common to fables and fairy stories.

The trouble is, when I'd cut it down to size, the structure became too repetitive, without the variations in rhyme structure. I was wondering if someone could see a better way to cut it (after all, the basic message is ultra simple, it's only the structure lends interest). Still, I suppose, two votes; it can't be said to have missed its target.
 
I think with rhyme poems, variation in rhythm is very important...You manage it in the first few verses, but you get very repetative rhythm in the last few, which causes the reader to fall around the rhythm not into it (if that makes sense)...also the population control line, whilts it has the correct number of syllables doesn't scan well, I kept expanding "there's" and finding myself a beat too long, but the words themselves don't scan on the internal line rhytmn, so I stumbled over it a lot...
Right cutting it...to 75 words? Or just shorter?
I can have a go...but cutting really isn't my strong suit...

I got to 76 words...but I think the population line could be reworded to make it fit...

‘Neath trollbridge ambush she awaits
The caprine hoofbeats echoing.
Over the stream that separates
Progress adorèd ungulates.​

You mustn’t laugh when bullies gruff
Destroy her reign tyranical;
Their kidproduction brings enough
Extinction of botanical.​

Without predation from the troll
There’s no population control.
And, lacking limits, soon the flock
Chews back all green to solid rock.​

Without her it’s deforestation;
This desert is an ecocrime.
Long term survival needs predation
That started once upon a time.​
 
Chrispy, I liked it. It made my short list. Admittedly, an eco-piece is always going to catch my eye, but there you go. ;)

One thing that made me stumble with it was the word tyranical. My dictionary has it with two Ns. I loved the use of ungulates, though.
 
Contrary to Kylara, I like poems where the meter and the rhyme are consistent. Inconsistency makes me think that the poet was unwilling to do the work to make it really memorable and flowing.

I thought you had a solid idea but the verbiage and rhyming pattern put me off.
 
So, i guess my plot became completely muddled as i cut it down and the story was confusing or even meaningless? I was a little put out at not making any short lists and i was wondering if anyone had any thoughts about my august story?


She cries, clutches the bundle closer, curls deeper into the shallow cave. Hiding from the father.
The bundle squirms and chatters wickedly. Left in the dungeons for centuries, the child's mind had blackened.
It means death to bear fruit with her kind. 'Demon only begets demon', they say.
He's found her now. Their eyes meet. He cries. Love would stay his hand. Love had made their son a demon, not her blood. She prefers death.



I guess, upon reading it again, that it feels a bit forced, maybe. The end is rushed.
 
Hi Broamalia

I was actually a bit confused about what was happening. She's a demon who's had a child by a human, and the human has come to kill the son as the child is a worse demon? The "Left in the dungeons" line baffled me, and the "Love had made..." -- did she voluntarily send the child into the dungeons in order to stay with the human whom she loved, and it's this that has made the son evil? Clever idea if so, but I think it needs a bit more to make it clear. But then "centuries" seemed to militate against this, and why had she changed her mind now and gone to rescue the "bundle" if so? And if "It means death to bear fruit with her kind" why isn't the father under threat of death?

It is always a problem cutting down a longer story, and I think it's necessary to boil things down to their essentials, which perhaps you haven't done here.

In any event, even had the story been clearer for me on first and second readings, I always look closely at theme and genre when making my shortlist. For August I interpreted the genre in a very narrow way, looking for real fairy tales which had been adapted -- and if this is a real tale I didn't recognise it -- or stories which had the feel of a fairy tale at the very least, and this for me missed the mark. The "unrequited" bit of the theme also seemed to be missing, as it appears the mother and the father did love each other, and although he might not love the child, there's no evidence the child loves him for that to be unrequited.

Consequently, it really didn't hit any of my buttons, I'm afraid. Sorry.
 
Hi Bromalia (as well)

Let me first say that there is no reason to be put out by not making any of the short lists, or getting any votes. I know it's happened to me several times and I'm one of the few who have posted in every challenge since its inception. I suspect that it has happened to most if not all of the posters who have posted more than a few times.

As to feedback on your story. I thought it was a clever idea, but I was left very confused about who was who, and what was what. Was the girl the mother of a "demon." That's what I thought first, but as I read on I was not sure at all. It seemed later that she must be a demon ("for centuries" seemed to mitigate for that), but if she was/is so powerful how was she locked up? Who was the the father? Was it her father or the father of the child?

Unlike the judge, I did not evaluate as closely on the "known fairy tale" level. In fact I had not even considered that "known fairy tale" could be a requirement. I was thinking in terms of "like a fairy tale" when writing and evaluating. For me it was definitely the confusion your story left me with that counted it out. But I did appreciate the atmosphere of your story and thought that the idea and you as a writer had potential.

Try again. We all get better as we work at it. :)
 
Thanks parson and judge, i really appreciate the thoughtful feedback, especially considering my low post count. I wasnt too put out, just a little :) I tink i started with a concept that worked wit many more words, but as i cut it down i didnt do enough to simplify and clarify, so a lot of those sentences ended up making sense only in context of info that was cut from te earlier drafts.

To be clear, it was supposed to be about a lord who layed with a demon woman and had a kid. He loved it too much to kill it, but wasnt willing to expose it publicly and condemn himself to death. He kept the child in a dungeon and sent the mother away. ( the centuries line was supposed to eplain how te child had turned inward and evil, but it raised too many questions about why the mother waited so long to rescue and why the dad was still alive) She finally came to rescue, but found te child to be crazy and demented, thus the line about his love turning him to a demon.... It was a nature/nurture story.

I guess the theme wasnt there enough. I tried to fit it all in with the last paragraph- the dad stayed his hand, he wouldnt kill them to protect himself, he had a change of heart and wanted to be with te demon mother and baby. She would rather die than stay with the dude that had made their son into the worst stereotype of her people. I hoped that passed as unrequited love...

The fact that i had to explain all this tells me a lot about why my story failed... I thought i could tell it with brief brush strokes, but it was too much and im not that good yet. :) cheers you guys ill do better this round.
 
Broamalia said:
Thanks parson and judge, i really appreciate the thoughtful feedback, especially considering my low post count. I wasnt too put out, just a little :) I tink i started with a concept that worked wit many more words, but as i cut it down i didnt do enough to simplify and clarify, so a lot of those sentences ended up making sense only in context of info that was cut from te earlier drafts.

To be clear, it was supposed to be about a lord who layed with a demon woman and had a kid. He loved it too much to kill it, but wasnt willing to expose it publicly and condemn himself to death. He kept the child in a dungeon and sent the mother away. ( the centuries line was supposed to eplain how te child had turned inward and evil, but it raised too many questions about why the mother waited so long to rescue and why the dad was still alive) She finally came to rescue, but found te child to be crazy and demented, thus the line about his love turning him to a demon.... It was a nature/nurture story.

I guess the theme wasnt there enough. I tried to fit it all in with the last paragraph- the dad stayed his hand, he wouldnt kill them to protect himself, he had a change of heart and wanted to be with te demon mother and baby. She would rather die than stay with the dude that had made their son into the worst stereotype of her people. I hoped that passed as unrequited love...

The fact that i had to explain all this tells me a lot about why my story failed... I thought i could tell it with brief brush strokes, but it was too much and im not that good yet. :) cheers you guys ill do better this round.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the explanation. I would never have understood that from your post. Nor, would I try a post of that length on a touch screen. :eek: I have no doubt that your next 75 will be superior to your last one.
 
Well, TJ asked for it, and I had thought about posting this one here earlier, so I'll give it a shot. I'm mostly curious whether the story that inspired it is known to the UK or not -- I had never even realized that O. Henry was an American author, but it's entirely possible that The Gift of the Magi isn't as universally known as I thought. Of course, I also thought it was "Gifts" despite having it in at least two different books in my house, and thus I fought for the "s" in the poll rather needlessly. :eek:

Was this story comprehensible? Was it evident to anyone that it was based on the O. Henry story?
Or did it just plain stink?

Gifts of the Magic



They pledged their love till death did them part; they never bargained on the undeath.

That Christmas, as their last friend was taken, each vowed to keep the other safe.

Long on love but short on coin, they made their separate deals.

She sold her blood, bought a charmed bow tie; it would protect him -- from her, as well.

He stole a silver cross for her, but was caught; his head went on a pike.
Click to expand...
 
I will be honest, I didn't get the reference until now. And I am from Canada! The only reason I even know that story is because of a Mickey Christmas Carol where him and Minny do a take on it...kind of lame but hey...

I know there are times when I don't understand references from the UK writers and I always try to be cognizant of that when I am submitting stories. I can't assume all Pop culture references are universal...not that Canada has many of its own since we are so US driven.

I have written a couple challenges though that after I posted I realized that no one would actually understand what I was saying....but that is just me.
 
I've heard of O. Henry, and I think I've read some of his work (but I couldn't tell you what) and I've heard of "The Gift of the Magi" so I got the pun in the title. But I don't know the story, nor did I twig this was based on something else.

As for the story being comprehensible... I followed what was going on, I think, but only after a couple of reads -- they each try and protect the other from the undead, not knowing that the other has already lost/is about to lose his/her life so their sacrifices are in vain. That it?

It certainly didn't stink, but for me the idea of a charmed bow tie didn't fit, it seemed too flippant for the seriousness of the idea, and the "his head went on a pike" suggested something more than merely the penalty for theft, so I assumed I was missing something important. And I couldn't tie any of it to the title, not knowing the work, so it ended up in my "Didn't fully understand" pile. Sorry.


EDIT: having quickly read the story I now get the bow tie and the head on the pike reference and the whole irony of the situation. It's a very good take on the tale. I'm only sorry I wasn't well-read enough to understand it originally, as it would almost certainly have made my short list, then.
 
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I immediately caught the O Henry reference and the story. It is a story that is forever etched in my memory as I've always tried to discern whether the couple in question were indeed magi (wise) or not. I've come to believe that O Henry believed not, but I believe they were for each were selfless in their love.

I would guess that's what did you in for me in this story. The original is too near and dear to my heart, and this seemed so flip. I also did not get the idea of the "head on the pike." I was under the impression that he had somehow sold his life to the undead, but the only obvious offense was robbery and I wasn't sure if a vampire is killed by beheading or not, so I was confused. Generally when a story leaves me confused after a second reading I don't vote for it. (It might be brilliant stuff, but it's not for me.:eek:)
 
Yep, tj has a good point, this thread, which is so useful, hasn't been used for a while. So, I bombed this month, which is fine :), but I am wondering why. More importantly, since this is closest to my overall style than many of my challenge entries, it would be good to know what missed the mark. So, i will step up for the constructive mauling.... :) (I felt the last line wasn't strong enough and my litttle mutants weren't particularly nice.)


BELOVED


“Another year.” I shrug my holster off. “Still nothing.”

Dex stretches, long legs crossed at the ankle, slim boots hiding a knife. “Soon.”

I search the screen, checking faces, bio-data, eyes. There. I turn to Dex, who nods. “It’s her.”

Bitch. She loved us, me and Dex. Adored us –

Left us; said we were fake. I caress my gun, hungry to change her mind. Tonight she’ll see how real a mutant’s love can be.


Tdz, i didn't get the reference, sorry, and didn't entirely understand it.
 
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I agree with Parson. I saw the O. Henry reference at once. We read the story in school, I've read it since, and I've seen stories and episodes of TV shows that were based on it. I think the story is as well-known as you thought ... in the US.

Like Parson, I thought it was too flip. For me, the bow-tie in particular struck the wrong note.

But I thought it was clever to adapt this story to the genre we were given.
 
I liked it spring, but the mutants angle confused me. I kept trying to picture them as video game characters in an abandoned (though previously much loved) game.
 
Thanks, everyone -- it's rough when it turns out to be both too obscure and too obvious at the same time!

I think the bow tie is where the story actually came to me; after I got my codicil of bow ties agreed upon in the challenge, the idea popped into my head for the Magi story, which I foolishly thought everyone would be going for (think that frequently, never actually happens). I didn't mean it to be flip, but I think more words were definitely needed for the concept.

The idea, for me, was that she sold her blood, knowing she didn't have long before she would be taken anyway, and bought him a magic bow tie to ward off the vampires and save him, even from herself. He, on the other hand, stole her a silver cross to ward off the vampires (not knowing she had already turned herself into one and couldn't use it), but he was caught for the theft and beheaded, thus rendering the bow tie useless because he didn't have his head anymore. I suppose that might be considered a bit too humorous, though I didn't really intend it to be. That happens to me a lot. :) I'm sure that chopping off the hands would be a more likely punishment for theft, but it wouldn't have anything to do with the utility of a bow tie.

And as I said before, I actually thought O. Henry was a British author until after I had posted the story! I read O. Henry along with Thomas Hardy and Oscar Wilde (ok, Irish, English, all the same to us on this side of the pond, sorry, evidently some of us can't distinguish the above from American either). It occurs to me that Robert Service and Edgar Allan Poe were in there with the rest of my mother's favorites, too. I'll stop digging.

Springs, I'll have to return the favor -- I didn't understand yours, either!
 
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