Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Parson]

Lenny, I found both of the stories far to subtle for me. I got neither of them, until you explained them. I know that I'm just a humble country parson without the literary insight that many posters have on this forum, but if there are more like me I would say that the problem (if you want to call it that) is that you are expecting too much insight from your readers. You probably want more story than 75 words will give and so you expect that everyone should be able to follow your train of thought. I liked both stories quiet well the minute I understood where you were going.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

The first one, I understood, but couldn't see the transformation clearly. He could have been a cat playing on a keyboard. The second one, sorry, i did not get that it was time at all and think she needed identified, at least once. i really liked your 300 worder this month, it was one of the best written, I thought, ( i know you didn't ask but i think it might be relevant) , it was topical, but the last 50 or words lost me and I didn't understand them. So, maybe, what Parson said: a little too subtle for the word count?

 

[The Judge]

Difficult to remember that far back, but I'm pretty sure I didn't understand either of them, Lenny.

I'd never heard of the "On the internet..." quote, and to my mind the piece as written largely depends on knowing that (or having someone more intelligent than me read it...) It might perhaps have been clearer if you had used more cat imagery throughout.

As for the "time" one, it reads to me as a long riddle, which I'm personally not very good at so if inspiration hadn't struck at once I'd have left it alone. But even knowing she is the personification of time, it doesn't quite work for me when I read it now, but I can't quite put my finger on what I think is wrong.

I should say, though, that I've had plenty of months when I've absolutely no votes at all and precious few mentions (that "time" month was one of them) so why you're worrying about two stories which gave you a vote apiece and a handful of mentions I really don't know!

 

[Kylara]

I got both of them Lenny and I really enjoyed them. The second one was nice and riddley (something I love) and I thought it was clever - female Time fed up of being harassed causes everything else to stop too, quite a lot of intriguing things could leap from there...the first one I was thinking about the quote you mentioned after as I was reading, one of my favourite internet quotes - I thought it was amusing, but a little underdeveloped - the switching back to the cat could have been a little better portrayed but I'm not sure how, perhaps just 'Dinner!' cat looks up haveway through sentence 'mrow?!' But I thought it was fun

 

[Lenny]

I should say, though, that I've had plenty of months when I've absolutely no votes at all and precious few mentions (that "time" month was one of them) so why you're worrying about two stories which gave you a vote apiece and a handful of mentions I really don't know!

It's less me worrying, and more trying to identify the hoops I need to jump through to at least challenge for a top spot, if not win outright!

---

So far it seems that my original fears are unfounded - I usually end up posting and worrying that there's not enough story to my entries. Instead, if I'm interpreting correctly, it's that there is almost too much story, with little to no explanation.

Diagnosing myself from the comments so far, I'd say that my writing process lends itself too well to the obscure - I'm a sucker for phrases that twist the language in what I think are clever ways, and it's from these that I tend to draw my inspiration (for example, all the ways people refer to time as an object that can be acted upon - "need more time", "killing time", "selling time", "give some time", "time is catching up").

I'm wondering, then, should I not change my ways, if using the title as a descriptor for the story would help? Whilst I can't help but feel proud about the title Monotony Affects Even the Strong (I've just realised what I did - "monotony" is a word used in describing time, and in the story, Lady Time is sick of the monotony of her life... bu-dum tsch!)**, maybe calling it Lady Time's Trials (but even then, I can't resist... it's a sickness! I'm turning into Ursa) would give enough of a hint to help unlock the story - the character is identified straight away, and she's described to be suffering.

I guess it should not come as a surprise to me, therefore, that my best received entry (two votes to four mentions. 50%! ) was a (sort of) literal story about trick and treating - costumed children asking a magician for a trick and seeing one of their number turned into chocolate. Even then, I'm expecting the reader to make the leap from children playing tricks on people who don't give them chocolate, to people playing tricks on the children who just want a treat.

---

It's interesting that there are almost two distinct responses - on the one hand (the smaller hand), if you're one of the precious few on my wavelength the story is completely clear. On the other hand (a far bigger hand!), because I rely on references that aren't immediately obvious, and may still not be obvious after a period of thought, people are put off.

So, to improve my entries to maximise comprehension, I need to make the basis for the story obvious - cats can use the Internet, Lady Time is sick of eternity. Any subtleties on top are a bonus, but the story shouldn't be sacrificed by making it entirely dependent on the subtleties. I could also use a title that describes the story, without feeling like I'm forcing comprehension.

---

I should have posted in here before I wrote February's entry... Ah well! We'll see what March brings.

Thank you Victoria, hope, Parson, springs, Judge, and Kylara for the comments!

**I'm starting to understand the problems I've written myself into it. It's bad when you have to peel away the layers of your own writing to gain insight...

EDIT: I should probably say, with embarrassment, that there are often times when I don't pick up on anything that other writers intend with their entries. I know for a fact that I've read some of Parson's entries with glazed eyes (there was one that I thought was about a lobster... which it wasn't), and I'm pretty sure I've done the same with at least one from everyone who has given me feedback.

So yeah... sorry, folks!

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Lenny, I got both of them, but I liked the time one better. I believe I was one of the mentioners on that one -- if not, it was close, anyway.

I think the cat one just didn't have as much going on, story-wise, though that's a fine line that I struggle with on the voting every month, sometimes shortlisting someone and then removing them later as I decide it's not really a story after all, or vice versa.

I usually like your stories, and it's probably because I have the same mindset for subtleties and phrases turning into stories. I also have too much subtlety to be understood, many times.

 

[Parson]

(but even then, I can't resist... it's a sickness! I'm turning into Ursa)

Thank you Victoria, hope, Parson, springs, Judge, and Kylara for the comments!

EDIT: I should probably say, with embarrassment, that there are often times when I don't pick up on anything that other writers intend with their entries. I know for a fact that I've read some of Parson's entries with glazed eyes (there was one that I thought was about a lobster... which it wasn't), and I'm pretty sure I've done the same with at least one from everyone who has given me feedback.

I was please to be of some assistance.

I think I'm sort of pleased that I was too subtle for you once. I see myself as normally writing such straight forward unsubtle stuff that aside from the occasional $20 word is best suited for children's literature. The only time I went for subtle I wrote something that was so obtuse that only I understood it.*

*Years ago about the man forced to run laps in a generation ship.

 

[hopewrites]

Happy to be of services Lenny. I think we all sometimes have stories we look at and feel short (because it goes over our heads, get it? *crickets* :| ) I know I do. Sometimes if I can guess at what the reference might be, ether on my own or from the discussion thread I'll look it up. Especially if I found the story interesting and engaging on its own.

 

[ratsy]

View attachment twasthenightcomic.docx

I have never attempted an attachment on here before but I just wanted to share my Christmas present from my brother. He took my Decembers 75 word story and made a cool comic page out of it. It was probably the most thoughtful gift someone has made for me.

Check it out

 

[Abernovo]

That is incredibly cool, ratsy!
That's a possible joint venture for you. Great artwork to combine with a terrific little tale.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

that's amazing, Ratsy. I'm very jealous.

 

[ratsy]

Thanks guys. Besides my wife he is the only one I have shared my Challenge stories with. It was a total surprise when I saw him at Christmas time. He is an animation director and is very talented with this type of thing.

We have often spoke of doing a comic series but time gets in the way and we don't live in the same province.

Maybe one day!

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Ratsy, that is awesome! What a wonderful and talented brother you have!

 

[ratsy]

Ratsy, that is awesome! What a wonderful and talented brother you have!

That he is, and his girlfriend is an amazing artist too. She has done some great paintings. Its kind of inspiring to be around creativity sometimes, even though it is not the same path I am on I can appreciate it greatly. And it is how they both make a living.

 

[hopewrites]

Wow! that is really cool. breaths extra life into an already well crafted parody.

 

[Parson]

Ratsy, that is a really nice gift. It makes the story come alive. Comics could well be your future.

 

[ratsy]

Thanks Hopewrites!

Parson, who knows. I am not a big comic reader but I can appreciate them.

Anyways, maybe I will write another 75 worder to inspire a single sheet again. If it happens I will be sure to share

 

[hopewrites]

I've been waiting to post this here all month. I was worried it didn't have much fantasy element in it, and I question the punctuation. Any and all thoughts would be appreciated.
​

Spring Born



Flowers uncurl.
Radiant sun.
Voices unfurl.
Life just begun.

Fairies are dancing,
Parents rejoice,
Grandparents prancing,
Now comes a choice.

Who will I be?
What will I do?
Why be me, when I could be you?

Senses abrased.
Cognition started.
Laziness razed.
​

Codependency parted.


​

Errors and trials.
Advice turned aside.
When measured in miles
how long is a stride?

Then life is o’er.
The black curtain falls.
Though longing for more,
Eternity calls.​

 

[Abernovo]

The sheer beauty of the poem put it on my short list, Hope. In fact, I struggled between choosing yours and Anya's for my vote. I don't tend to go for poems in the challenges, but this one really worked for me.

The punctuation wasn't a problem for me. I wondered about 'abrased', which would normally be 'abraded', but I decided it fell under poetic licence (apologies if this is a US usage I'm unaware of) and actually added to the work.

The only issue for me was that it was possibly light on sff elements, as you say. However, it was powerful and I've seen poems with as little or less sff published in genre magazines before. But, when it's such a tight race...

 

[Bowler1]

This got a few mentions, but I’m not getting any votes, ever, so I think I need help!

There is some alliteration in my entry which may be the problem?
I could also be off off-piste and away from the monthly theme, I was trying to be a little different?
Or was the humour a little too dark?

All the above and more; any comments are welcome as I’m failing very badly to get any votes for my 75 word entries and that’s a pain. I have to win the 75 word competition and then start my “World Domination” action plan – and I’d like to rule the world, so please help.

Eamonn Andrews

‘NannyBot, please untie me,’ pleaded Peter.

‘I’m sorry, Master – I cannot comply.’

A gag was stuffed into Master’s mouth to muffled shouting.

‘I have been very busy planning this surprise for you,’ said NannyBot, speakers buzzing happily.

NannyBot pointed toward the line of battered bodies on the bloody sofa. ‘I have guests for you as well.’

Optics zoomed and focused on Master’s happy face. ‘I’ve even got the red book.’

‘Master, this is your life!’


Hopewrites, for me, and just me I suspect, poetry is not my thing. However, it did bring to mind “Because I could not stop for death” (the structure felt similiar) for me. Sadly, despite that wonderful link, I still didn’t vote for you as you picked a poem, I don’t usually get them.