Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Remedy]

Sorry to butt in with mine Kylara. I also admire that you went for a poem, but poems can put people off if the flow is not perfect and a clear point is not made by the end.

I'm putting mine out to be ripped apart so that you can all show me its insides... My feelings are that it wasn't really a story as such? Perhaps the structure isn't right? Please also show me my grammatical errors, I must learn. Thank you.

The Boreal Grasp

You will never see vapour billowing from his dark blue lips.

You will never smell the odours of sweat and toil.

Neither will you feel warmth from his hand upon your shoulder.

Yet, you may hear. Creaks and cracks in his gait, a relentless glacial march.

Slow is his path in your pursuit, but tireless. Vironix, the man of ice.

His embrace always comes, firm and frigid. Until his icicles exude into your frosty finality.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

This one didn't entirely grab me, Remedy -- which is unusual because I normally like yours very much -- and I wonder is it because it starts quite passive, in the second person (I think) with the you will....?

The Boreal Grasp

You will never see vapour billowing from his dark blue lips.I'd have liked dark-blue, and you'd have got a word back. But I think I'd have preferred it without the dark, actually, or a more persuasive word to replace dark-blue.

You will never smell the odours of sweat and toil.

Neither will you feel warmth from his hand upon your shoulder. So far, there's not much of a story, more a list of what won't happen. I think in the 75er you need to hit the ground running (I often fail to.)

Yet, you may hear. The full stop after not having one in the previous sentences broke the rhythm for me. Creaks and cracks in his gait, a relentless glacial march.

Slow is his path in your pursuit, but tireless.I might have used a colon, but that's a preference thing. Vironix, the man of ice.

His embrace always comes, firm and frigid. Until his icicles exude into your frosty finality.[/QUOTE]

And at the end, I was still not quite sure what the story was. I think I'd have found it more effective closer, knowing who the you was, and a sense of someone to care about in danger, if that makes any sense?

Kylara, i don't think knowing what it was would have made a difference for me, but I'm not a huge poetry person.

 

[Hex]

I really liked the opening of yours, Remedy (and like springs I'm normally a fan of your stories). I think second person is an excellent choice

Um. I didn't totally understand. It's about an ice-giant, is that right? Or am I missing a whole layer of meaning..? Anyway, I was engaged and keen right up to "...tireless." but then the end didn't completely work for me. And (sorry) the last line made me giggle a little.

I think what springs says is true (of course) that there's little space in the 75 worders for anything other than story, and I wasn't sure -- as you said -- if there was a specific story here (maybe it was because of the 'always' which implied this wasn't about one victim but about many...?). I liked the writing a lot, though.


The Boreal Grasp

You will never see vapour billowing from his dark blue lips.

You will never smell the odours of sweat and toil.

Neither will you feel warmth from his hand upon your shoulder.

Yet, you may hear. Creaks and cracks in his gait, a relentless glacial march.

Slow is his path in your pursuit, but tireless. Vironix, the man of ice.

His embrace always comes, firm and frigid. Until his icicles exude into your frosty finality.

 

[Kylara]

Ok, thanks guys, I will not put you through another villanelle, I promise - a sestina perhaps though..? I do enjoy formal poetry, but I make the assumption everyone else a) likes poetry, b) knows the important stuff about the style of poetry, and c) that I can write poetry that isn't completely unreadable!

I shall story up next month, be clear, concise and clever and maybe get an extra mention!

You have been very helpful and I thank you for your well explicated mis-understandings


And Remedy - I felt like it didn't really get going until the last two sentences and by that point I had no idea why he was chasing and whether that was good or bad. It also felt a little like two separate stories in one? I think the word limit felt too strong with this piece, sorry.

 

[Remedy]

Thank you Springs, Hex and Kylara (I love that people won't leave you hanging on this site for very long).

I guess I was going for a folk tale within a tale, perhaps told by a fireside, but I had set no scene for that. The idea was: a warning of a large being made of ice, who would hunt someone slowly until they couldn't run anymore, then basically hug them (aw sweet), wherein icicles (from him) would pierce their body and kill them. . . But I never said why. I suppose there should be some kind of reason in there, oops.

Springs, I laughed that I managed to write so much about things not happening. I must get right into the thick of it in future. Also, your point about the "you" not being personable is spot on now I read it back.

Hex and Kylara, you both touched upon the language. I think that in trying to find words to do with cold, ice and cold places, it put too much strain on the story. I aim for unusual sentences, but I fear that it makes my writing read like an obstacle course.

I also just spotted that there are 6 "his" in there too. That alone, puts me off it myself

 

[Parson]

Kylara: I also learned a word today. Of course I did recognize it as a poetic form, but I would never have been able to put a word to that form. I liked the prophetic theme, I also like the idea of a love which death could not end; but the head rolling off, put me off the poem. For me it was mainly that stanza which did it in. On the whole I thought the atmosphere was cold as frost (a good thing given our instructions) but I also wasn't sure that it was really "Dark Fantasy."

Remedy: I did not feel this was a story. It read like a description of a situation, at least until the last two lines. And (Parson is embarrassed to admit this) I felt those two lines had a kind of a sexual tension which really left me scratching my head. An iceman vampire perhaps?

 

[hopewrites]

I got a vampiric vibe from both stories, but couldnt place what I was missing.
Kylara, I tend to use poetic forms that allow me to say more with less when using poety in the challenges, and the form you picked is one that says less with more. I figured you just ran out of words before things could be made clear.
Remedy: I was sure some mother was advising her daughter against marrying the local vampire lord, until I added up the last half and the title. Then I thought it was an ice-vampire, and her rape-ish death was coyly implied. It was having to change gears in the middle that didn't do it for me.

 

[Mith]

I'm being brave today and throwing my 75 words out to be looked at and scrutinised.

I wasn't very happy with this one, even though the genre was right up my alley.

So have at it

Cold Hands

I never understood the compulsion I had to visit an unmarked grave, year after year.

Was it guilt? No, it couldn’t be. I raped and killed her but I was following orders, I was a soldier.

A shadow fell over me. Cold hands enveloped my neck. A dead voice spoke in my ear.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold and who colder than I to deliver it.”

Now I understand.

She wants her justice.

 

[Hex]

rrrr. Mith, this is a difficult one. I loved your story. I thought it was spot-on and totally chilling, from both perspectives.

I think maybe, though, what stopped me short-listing it was the end. I wonder if it would have been more effective to end with the bit of dialogue instead of the explanation?

Also, maybe, it feels like it's moving from general stuff he does every year (coming to her grave) to the specific instance where she gets her revenge and threw me off just a little?

As I said, I thought it was a great story.

 

[Parson]

Mith, I also liked your story, and there is nothing in it that I would say was wrong. It was cold. It was dark fantasy. It was a story. I'm not the grammar guru so I could be wrong, but there was nothing off putting there either. I'm not sure why I didn't give it a mention, perhaps it just didn't stand out enough from the other 40 odd stories I was reading. That doesn't give you anything to work with, I know, but maybe it helps underline the vagaries of voting in a setting like this.

 

[BigJ]

I'm going to jump in and throw mine up as well. I never garner too many mentions/votes in these 75 worders (if any) and I'm alright with that. However, I rather liked this one, though I did so despite the fact it set the stage for a confrontation and then never gave you that confrontation, seemingly cutting off in the middle. Maybe the reason behind the lack of mentions is as simple as that, or maybe I shouldn't have had somebody naked in my story.

An Alpine Inquisition

A sultry whisper on the fierce north wind beckoned me as I slogged through the mountain snow. Through my armour, I felt the runes on my sword burning with divine fury.

Then I saw her. The Ice Witch of Bala’Thoth, gliding nude through the snow drifts, a vision of beautiful temptation flanked by fallen heroes astride daemon steeds. Her longing eyes reached out for me.

I drew my sword.

“This soul shall not be yours!”

 

[Hex]

Nope. I liked the nakedness. I loved the writing. I loved the naked Ice Witch gliding through the snowdrifts. Fabulous.

I just -- I don't know. I'd have liked more of a twist or something in the end. A surprise or something? It was a fabulous set up and then... it kind of didn't go anywhere very much -- it almost didn't really end (I know that makes no sense -- sorry. Maybe someone else will be able to say what I mean!)

 

[ratsy]

Well since everyone else is throwing them in. I actually liked my story and I usually write 3 to choose from but I wrote this one and liked it enough to submit. But it was obviously lacking something. Maybe not Dark Fantasy? I think I had a misconception of what Dark Fantasy actually was upon reading the other entrants


Payback

Bells rang in the distance, alarming the city of the approaching army.

The defenders covered their faces with cloth to prevent frostbite from the ceaseless wind. Snow fell heavily and when Basil closed his eyes he saw an image from his past.

He held her small body as it bled; a red painting on a fresh white canvas.

He opened his eyes.

If it’s blood they want, blood they shall get

“Hold….Attack!!”

 

[HareBrain]

it set the stage for a confrontation and then never gave you that confrontation, seemingly cutting off in the middle.

That, for me, was the big problem. But also, we get almost nothing from the narrator. The big second paragraph is a description of what he sees, but apart from him drawing his sword and making his declaration afterwards, we have no idea how he reacts to it. "A vision of beautiful temptation" tells us (or suggests) he is tempted, but doesn't show us, and it provides none of the special details that make a story stand out. Also, it's her eyes that are longing? That makes her seem less in control than the rest of what you'd given us, which confused me.

What you really need here, in my opinion, is a twist or some complexity. What the plot of your story boils down to is this: a man seeks an enemy, the enemy appears, the man declares that she is his enemy. There's nothing unexpected there, and it's a snippet from a story, not a story in itself. If you look at the stories that got votes, they suggest quite a lot more going on, either in terms of story events or in terms of the characters' inner lives.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh. You write well enough; perhaps you'd benefit from thinking about what a story needs to do. Though lord knows that can be a tricky one.

 

[Mith]

Thanks Hex and Parson

Hex I think you were correct about the ending, it should have ended with the dialogue, it would have had more of an impact I guess.

With regards to the other bit, I was trying to give out the impression that she had compelled him to keep visiting her grave until she was strong enough to rise and get revenge. No matter how much I tweaked it I just couldn't quite get it down to my own satisfaction. The perils of 75 word story's I guess

 

[HareBrain]

Maybe not Dark Fantasy? I think I had a misconception of what Dark Fantasy actually was upon reading the other entrants

I just guessed what "Dark Fantasy" meant. Might've been wrong. So I didn't discount yours on that basis.

But like BigJ's, I thought yours lacked a twist. Basic plot: man faces enemy, man reveals motive to fight enemy, man attacks enemy. Again, nothing unexpected, no surprise. It wants something else, in my opinion.

(I was also confused by "Hold ... attack!" since "Hold" could itself be a command, i.e. to stand fast. But I guess you mean he's commanding the hold, as in fortress-community, to attack?

 

[ratsy]

I just guessed what "Dark Fantasy" meant. Might've been wrong. So I didn't discount yours on that basis.

But like BigJ's, I thought yours lacked a twist. Basic plot: man faces enemy, man has motive to fight enemy, man attacks enemy. Again, nothing unexpected. It wants something else, in my opinion.

(I was also confused by "Hold ... attack!" since "Hold" could itself be a command, ie to stand fast. But I guess you mean he's commanding the hold, as in fortress-community, to attack?

I get what you are saying. No he was commanding his troops to Hold (as in wait) and then after a deliberate timed pause, he shouted Attack

 

[Hex]

I got that!

But really what HB said, Ratsy -- it was a poignant story but it felt like the telling was quite straightforward. He has a motive and he orders the attack. I don't know if there was a way you could have tweaked it so that the motive was revealed as he attacked the enemy, or if that would have been twisty enough?

 

[SevenStars]

I have never done this before and feel extremely nervous, however, I am putting this up as I respect and would be glad of all of your comments.

Big congratulations to Hex



FADING

Breath frozen inside, in time. Cold beats forcing my heart to squeeze against the emptiness,
Before all that's left is grey, unfeeling reality.

Brought to nothingness. All in circles.

Stalled, numb, waiting.

Eyes closed. Dreams open.

Red to blue to black; withdrawing, causing pain.

One thousand eyes, all unseeing as a shadow falls through the bleakness and bleeds its soul.

In shades of ice the fates whisper through an echo,
Quietus from perfection.

 

[Hex]

SevenStars -- the writing in this was glorious -- absolutely beautiful -- and you completely froze me.

I didn't understand the story, though. Sorry