Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[mosaix]

Wow, this thread hasn't been used in a while.

Anyway I thought I'd give it a go this month as I'm pretty sure a lot of people misunderstood my December entry.



Just Another Victim…

Old Ma Jones had been thinking about this – she wasn’t going to cross the street to avoid the lad. “Give him a chance, trust your own judgement,” she thought. “I’m sure I’m right.”

As they passed he grabbed her bag and was off.

She looked around, heart racing – no witnesses.

What had the guarantee said? Total disintegration within a six foot radius. She pressed the remote.

“I knew the cheap bag was the right choice.”



Okay, first off, the victim of the title was the lad. The back story is that Old Ma Jones intended to goad some kid into stealing her bag just so that she could punish him. She's a predator.


Old Ma Jones had been thinking about this - premeditation.

she wasn’t going to cross the street to avoid the lad - she's chosen her victim.

Give him a chance - a chance to grab it.

trust your own judgement,” she thought. “I’m sure I’m right.” - have faith that she can spot someone who deserves disintegrating. Have faith in the frailty of human nature.

She looked around, heart racing – no witnesses - heart racing because of what she is about to do. No witnesses to what she is about to do.

“I knew the cheap bag was the right choice.” - This line gave me problems. It was intended to indicate premeditation and planning. Looking back now it obviously wasn't strong enough. Maybe something along the lines of:

"All these handbags are getting a bit expensive for a pensioner."

Okay that takes me a couple of words over but I'm sure I could have worked something out. Anyway the strength of this line is that it implies that she's done it before and the premeditation and planning naturally follows.

I'd be interested to know people's original interpretation of the story and if they think the new last line now changes their interpretation into what I intended.

 

[mosaix]

Okay, this little one got me loads of shortlists and lots of mentions but that didn't translate to votes. As I quite like the idea (and think it was ambitious in 75 words) I might expand it at some stage. So, what worked, and what was it just didn't give it that little edge of being special enough?

Cheers
Jo

THE TIME-TRAVEL CONUNDRUM


"Mum," Aisling said. "Santa can't fly around the world like that. He's not real."

I froze. She'd lost so much childhood: days out ruined by tantrums; no sleepovers; everything run to Aidan's locked-in, autistic needs that the doctors said couldn't bring joy.

"Of course Santa can," I say.

"Prove it."

Aidan hands me paper and mutters, "Quantum maths."

I smile. "Aidan's done the maths. He's never wrong."

Her eyes light up, faith restored.

I agree with Alc on this, Jo. It was the lack of Sci-Fi that gave it the thumbs down, for me.

 

[ratsy]

mosaix, I liked your story but did think it was not about the lady hunting down a thug but protecting herself. I can see it from both sides and actually like the idea of her having faith that the guy would not harm her but still having the purse just in case

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I got yours, Mosaix. It's why I liked it so much.

Thanks, Alc and Mosaix -- with that in mind, if I extend it I might go for a mainstream awwww and target People's Friend for next Christmas. Or, make it clearer that Aidan really has worked out the maths, and time-travel is possible (which was what got lost with the final savage cut from 89-75 words.)

 

[Ursa major]

I'm glad to say that I did understand your story, mosaix (and so my vote wasn't misdirected). What did those other people think you meant by it?

 

[mosaix]

Or, make it clearer that Aidan really has worked out the maths, and time-travel is possible (which was what got lost with the final savage cut from 89-75 words.)

Ah, now that would have been different.

I'm glad to say that I did understand your story, mosaix (and so my vote wasn't misdirected). What did those other people think you meant by it?

Pretty much as Ratsy described, Ursa - an old lady hoping (having faith) that she'd be okay but taking precautions just in case.

 

[HareBrain]

Springs -- I thought yours was one of the better entries, maybe even the best. But with the best will in the world, I couldn't make it science fiction. (If the genre hadn't been specified, there was nothing that would have needed changing.)

(Even if Aidan had genuinely worked out the maths, I don't think it would have been SF without there being some real-world consequence of that.)

Mosaix -- I didn't pick up on the entrapment theme, and because of that, I couldn't really make sense of it (though I knew she had to be a wrong'un, since she believes capital punishment a valid sentence for bag-snatching). Also, it didn't feel credible to me that anyone would make so lethal a device, but there wasn't enough comedy or absurdism in the rest of the piece for me to accept it.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Springs, I had the same feeling that everyone else had -- it was a great story, but the quantum maths did not feature strongly enough to make it sf. The kid who would do that resonates with me, though.

Mosaix, I did indeed see this as you intended, which is why I liked it. The old lady had faith in human nature -- knowing that people are people, and planning accordingly. I didn't necessarily pick up on the idea that she did this regularly, though -- it seemed like a first try for her. Tired of getting mugged and decided to do something about it.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thanks all. Mainstream it is.

 

[Parson]

Springs --- I liked your story, but like the others it seemed like it was a Christmas story with almost no SF part to it. I think it could well be part of a short story anthology.

Mosaix, I liked yours fairly well too. I did see the old woman as premeditating murder. But I did think that this was a first go for her. At least that's how I understood the comment about the cheap bag being the right choice. I didn't vote for it in the end because, well, because I didn't like the idea of an old woman who should now have developed the higher character traits of grace and forgiveness, going against form and blowing petty thieves to smitherines. The vigilante part was too much for me.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I didn't like the idea of an old woman who should now have developed the higher character traits of grace and forgiveness, going against form and blowing petty thieves to smitherines. The vigilante part was too much for me.

We're always on opposite sides on those, Parson. I love me a good vigilante.

 

[hopewrites]

Spring: when you open the story up, will you have the brother decide to do the math on his own? or have his mum ask him? Personally I'd rather see him having done it up on his own, to prove to himself that Santa's real or because he sees his sister losing faith and wants to do something, anything, for her. (Ether would be pretty plausible, but one is more sugary than the other )

Mosaix: I like that it plays both ways. I think it could be used as a cynicism test, like that picture of the old/young woman is used to see what one thinks of one's own age, how one reads your story would be telling on how one feels about the elderly, the young, and human pettiness in general.

 

[mosaix]

Ratsy, Springs, U.M., HareBrain, TDZ, Parson, Hopewrites thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

 

[Kylara]

I have been away from the challenges for a while (due to illness) and now I am back (yay!) however, not really in the right writing mindset I think for the challenge this month. I got two mentions which is great after so long away and everyone else's stories were incredible. Just wondered what it was that people didn't like/understand about my little poem. It may just be that everyone hates villanelles (tricky little buggers to write though) or that poems just don't do it for anyone.

So thoughts really, to help me get back in the zone for Hex's strange and wonderful plans for next month.

Fatal Attraction

He was cold,
I full of dread.
It was foretold,

I was so old.
He was so dead;
He was cold.

Over I rolled,
I lost a head –
It was foretold.

Death did unfold,
No tears I shed.
He was cold.

I was made bold,
Slipped ‘to his bed.
It was foretold.

All did behold
My love misled –
He was cold.
It was foretold.

 

[HareBrain]

Pomes are always risky, Kylara. I'm afraid two things put me off yours. One was that despite reading it several times, I never gained any real idea what was going on, and when I'm reading forty stories at once, something comprehensible and interesting has to hook into my mind straight away. Maybe I'm missing a reference to something? Also (though very much secondary to the main issue), when you only have 75 words to play with, to repeat the same lines several times struck me as weakening the piece -- though I understand that such repetition might be a requirement of an obscure verse-form.

I'm afraid I can't really suggest how to improve it, but that might give you some idea of how readers might have reacted.

 

[alchemist]

Well, I've learned a new word today! I have to admit, I didn't like the format much and I, also, didn't really get what was going on.

I admire your bravery, though!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm another from the didn't really understand it camp, Kylara. Also, I found it a little flat, perhaps lacking in the wordchoice or something in the rhythm that would have made it stand out for me.

 

[Kylara]

Hmmm I suppose it was a little risky hoping that people understood that it was a villanelle - a very formal restrictive verse form that is often used to symbolise obsession - looking back it is probably fairly important that people knew what it was and was used for! haha...I was going for obsessive love that was unrequited and led to death, and even in death was unrequited. or something along those lines...It was pretty tricky to get a nineteen line poem under the word count, hence the very short lines...does knowing a bit more about the villanelle help with meanings? I have no idea - note to self - no more villanelles!

So main problem from you guys is lack of understanding...anyone else understand but just not like?

 

[Hex]

I didn't completely understand what was happening. Was he cold and dead? I wondered if he was a vampire (too much Twilight etc. maybe, sorry)? So I wasn't sure what was happening.

Also, while most of the poem seemed sad and kind of weighted down, "Over I rolled/ I lost a head" had an almost comic feeling that confused me.

I think if I'd recognised the poem's structure (and I'm afraid I know nothing about poetic structure so the chances were not good) it might have helped me understand it. Sorry for being so dense :|

 

[mosaix]

Hi Kylara. I'm afraid I'm in the 'didn't understand it' camp.