Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[TheDustyZebra]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

TYTY -- that means a lot.

I guess it was just obvious that it worked too hard when it took three days and I still didn't quite like it! But I really liked the idea and couldn't break free of what I started with. So I thought I would just insult you instead. (No, really, I didn't even think of the "judge" thing, sorry!)

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

On the story you posted in the Challenge, TDZ, I did get the reference in the title, and the lawyer joke at the end, but I didn't connect the other parts of the story with the jokes you referenced. I don't know why, because (being an American too) I've heard them before, many, many times.

Anyway, I knew enough to be amused by your story. If my mind had been working and I'd made more connections I would have enjoyed it even more.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

One of these days I may learn how to recognize something in my brain-bag of tricks that may not be well-known to others. And then I shall "climb my way into the dim light of obscurity." Or perhaps out of it. We shall see.

Thanks, T!

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

The problem, TDZ, is that there are more of them than there are of us. They can make in jokes and get away with it, but we mostly can't.

Maybe we need another Revolution against British oppression. "No jokes without (equal) representation" ... or, um, something. We can throw their Jammy Dodgers into Boston Harbor. That will get their attention!

I neglected to say earlier that I also understood the reference to Lilith in GreenKidx's story. Lilith was originally the succubus in one of my Challenge stories — I think the month was September — but I decided to make it a little more ambiguous, so I changed the name a little. In my mind, she became one of Lilith's descendants.

 

[mosaix]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Mosaix, I was afraid of that, but hoped that "bar association" would be well enough known to make it clear.

What we need is a 'slaps self on the head' smilie. Now you mention it it seems so obvious. Maybe if it had been capitalized - Bar Association - I would have started to piece things together, then again maybe not.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

The problem, TDZ, is that there are more of them than there are of us. They can make in jokes and get away with it, but we mostly can't.

Maybe we need another Revolution against British oppression. "No jokes without (equal) representation" ... or, um, something. We can throw their Jammy Dodgers into Boston Harbor. That will get their attention!

I neglected to say earlier that I also understood the reference to Lilith in GreenKidx's story. Lilith was originally the succubus in one of my Challenge stories — I think the month was September — but I decided to make it a little more ambiguous, so I changed the name a little. In my mind, she became one of Lilith's descendants.

Yeah, we are a bit outnumbered here. Let's have a Cookie Party!

Yes, I knew who Lilith was -- and I guess that's another of those things I assume everybody knows -- but it didn't quite make sense to me that she was in Eve's place in the story.

 

[GreenKidx]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Hello All, just dropping in to thank everyone who responded to my post. You were each a great help. Sorry I disappeared for so long!

 

[onebigpotato]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

So, I hadn't entered the writing comp for a while. I sit down, start 'jamming' if you will, look at what I got and say, wow, that's awesome, that is so awesome and suitable I will win for sure. Now, that may have been true, but you can't enter 220 word long stories. My lack of practice had made me sloppy and generous. I just wanted to compare here side by side my Jan entries, one as the 75 word version (got 2 mentions) and one as the 220 word version to see how badly my idea translated.

As you walk past the back corner of an Arms Fair. (Long)

The products gleamed in their packaging. All of the favourites were near the top, assassination, war, economic struggle. As he delved ever deeper into the display the browser came across a product that had clearly been repackaged several times. He lifted it to the attendant.

"What happened to this one? What's its problem?"

"No problem sir. That's the 'Bloodless Revolution'."

"No problem" He snorted, "Why's it been returned?"

"Well sir; passing no judgement I assure, many men have come in and bought that particular item but they generally find doesn't suit their......needs" The attendant paused, looking for something in the browsers eyes. "It is however very popular with fiction writers"

The browser laughed harshly and loudly, retorting "Of course it is, as are princess and fairies, fools gold."

The browser walked away, in a mix of haughtiness and disappointment.

The attendant carefully put the battered product back in its place. It wouldn't sell, but that didn't worry him, the great leader the followers of these mens lands needed wouldn't be produced from a desire to conquer. No, he would be born in the hearts of their discontent and in that same place, he would build a love and a loyalty that would grow the pillars of the world anew.

As you walk past the back corner of an Arms Fair. (Short)

Gleaming packaging. The favourites at eye level. On the bottom shelf, a worn item.

"What's the problem with that one?"

"No problem sir. That's the 'Bloodless Revolution'."

"Why returned?"

"Well, it doesn't ... suit." "It's very popular with fiction writers."

He laughed. "So are princesses and fairies; fools gold."

The attendant set the item back.

Someone would buy it. And born from the heart of discontent, His love will burn brighter from the tyranny he ends.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I think it translated very well! The only thing that confused me in your 75-word one originally was that second set of quotation marks in the 5th line -- it's still the same guy speaking, so it only needed one set around the whole thing; looking at the first version, I can see exactly how it happened now. But overall, I think you distilled it down very nicely.

 

[onebigpotato]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Thanks TDZ, I can see how that is confusing. I can almost guarantee that when I finally go insane and possible embark on a murderous rampage, it will have been induced by trying to understand the English languages grammar rules.

Now, to enter next months on time and with a story that fits. It will be a challenge but it's sure to be a fun one!

 

[The Judge]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I have to confess, onebigpotato, that I didn't understand your story when you posted it in the Challenge, despite reading it several times.

Although at first sight you appear to have summarised the original adequately, to my mind you've deleted the wrong bits. The line about the favourites of "assassination, war, economic struggle" are far more important than some of the other lines because they set the whole thing in context. The closing lines, too, need more emphasis since these are the heart of the piece -- as written they didn't make sense to me. I can't now recall if you had a capital "H" for "He" before, but if so that would definitely have thrown me, indicating a God figure in the story. NB That final sentence changes tense which also makes it feel very awkward.

Although (I hope) I understand your point now, using the word "packaging" immediately made me think that these were games of some kind, robbing the whole story of importance. To my mind, also, you've done yourself no favours with the title, though at the moment I can't think of a better one. The words "Arms Fair" conjure up specific images of weaponry, not what is actually being sold at this stand -- the mechanics of revolution. When I read the story I saw a conflict between the weapons and the games but couldn't make sense of it.

What I find a useful exercise is to have my partner read my stories and then ask him to paraphrase them. When he (inevitably...) can't, I then embark on re-writing to make them clearer. It doesn't always produce a finished item which is wholly intelligible, but it has more of a chance!

 

[onebigpotato]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Clarity, coherency and succinctness are all party of the challange aren't they? It seems trying to translate that story down was probably a pretty silly idea. In the end I think I was trying to force a fit because I liked the piece. Anyway, I certainly know what not to do next time.

People do read my stories through before I post them, but usually with me in their ear over explaining everything, perhaps that's a mistake....

Thanks to two of my favorite 75 word story writers for their thoughts.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Amazing how opinions can differ. I liked the short version. I thought it distilled the story down to its essence, while the longer version seemed a bit rambling and I felt that parts of it could easily have been cut out.

Maybe something in between the short and the long versions would be the perfect length.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I thought you were very brave for writing something 220 words long and then distilling it down! I would never dare to try that, as I like my words too much. I tend to keep track of how many words I have as I go, so that I'm always pretty close to the goal -- the words themselves change within that framework, but the count remains essentially the same. Otherwise I'd be faced with an insurmountable editing challenge and never get it posted!

 

[Arkose]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I would love feedback, so any advice is welcomed. I would work on formatting and probably change a word or two if I was to do it again.


The last straw


His eyes widen in frustration but most of all excitement. The ogre stole his staff and was mocking him, talking to him as a child. How many times has he gotten his staff back just to have the ogre take it? The next time his staff was freed from the ogres grasp he would punish the beast. The ogre threw the staff and spot bit the ogre. “Spot what are you doing” the man yelled.

 

[Culhwch]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Well, the first thing that jumped out at me were a few little niggling errors in punctuation, Arkose - particularly 'ogre's grasp' and '"Spot, what are you doing?"'. I did think this was an interesting little idea, but it could have used some polishing to make it a really effective piece.

 

[mosaix]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I'm afraid I have to agree with Cul here, Arkose.

Your story was on my short list, I loved the idea. But when you have to chose between one story and the next and they're so close then things like punctuation just have to be taken into account.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Agreed -- those little things, punctuation and the tense-switching (his eyes widen ... the ogre stole ... how many times has he...), are what kept it off my shortlist, actually! It was a great idea, nicely turned, but just not quite polished.

 

[Parson]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I'm afraid I got lost in the story. I never could figure out if "Spot" was a dog or something else. I was also confused about whether the phrase "what are you doing" was spoken in anger or some other emotion. I assumed the hero was some kind of a mage, but since Fantasy and I are quite often worlds apart, I wasn't sure about that either.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I would like to know (and I do wish I could manage to stop having to ask this question) how many people found my story incomprehensible this month! My test audience of one (who admittedly rarely understands my stories) gave me the impression after much questioning that he understood the concept, so I went with it, and then my next test audience aside from you guys totally failed to understand it because of the last line. I did come up with what I think would have been a better last line, a few days ago, so I'll try that one on you and see.

Here's the original:

What goes around, comes around


“[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Your young victim was to have an enormous impact on this timeline. We must correct your crime.”[/FONT]

“[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]How?”[/FONT]

“[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]You shall become a child, and take his place.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Me, a child again, a new life? Freedom from death row? Perfect![/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]He signed the form.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]***[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Inside the familiar van, screaming into the duct tape, he struggled helplessly as his older self reached for him.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Outside, children played, oblivious.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]***[/FONT]

“[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Let's go get him again, for the next one!”[/FONT]


**********************

My alternate ending would be, "Let's get him again, to replace his next victim!"

Would that have made it make more sense to anyone?

For those who didn't get it, the idea was that they (the unknown "they" from the future) let the prisoner believe that he would be replacing the child (whichever one he thought it was) that he molested and killed, to live the life that was so important, but really they put him in the place of the child and he killed that version of himself while the child went obliviously unharmed. I tried to make it show that he wasn't going back to his own childhood for this, but was still the wicked man posing as a child, with the "familiar van" bit -- he was forward in his own timeline, so that killing his own self did not make it automatically not happen, but left "them" free to go forward in time and bring him back again and again, to replace all of his victims one by one.

I really must try to write this story in a longer version and see what I can do with it.

Thoughts?