Quick Fire Questions (A Place to Ask and Answer)

[Warren_Paul]

Yes, I'd have a problem with it.

If english isn't the language spoken in the character's culture then it's not what he'd speak unless he learnt it somehow. Of course, you'd still write his dialogue in english, because otherwise the reader wouldn't understand what he is saying. But the other characters around him won't be able to, unless of course they know his language and their own, but then it's irrelevant what language he speaks.

I'd suggest making it that not everyone can understand him. Also, when he features in a scene that is from another character's PoV, you could make his dialogue rough, like how he would actually sound to other people, because the PoV character would have trouble understanding him.

 

[David Evil Overlord]

If this is meant to be a world where the British Empire covers much of the globe, then if he is a British Subject (however unwilling), he could speak at least some English.

If the Aztecs are the other super power, then a village boy is unlikely to speak anything but his native tongue.

 

[Arkose]

Both countries have different languages but have bordered each other for a few centuries. When i was going to school in southern Arizona I had to take Spanish class every year, would to make sense to have the same for the educated kid? Have home take the a tec language?

 

[Arkose]

Don't mind the last sentence/question I'm posting from my iphone

 

[Warren_Paul]

If the villiage kid has gone to school and learnt english in the process then it's fine, but that brings up more things to think about. Because by there being schools means the education level of the Aztec culture would likely be equal to the english one, and would influence the way they live their lives. What I mean is, if they are incorporating english into their teaching, then what about over parts of english culture?

 

[Arkose]

figured a good solution that fits the story well, thanks for all the help.

 

[Scott R. Forshaw]

Is the following paragraph grammatically correct? It seems to jar with me, but I can't quite put my finger on why. I think it's due to lack of sleep. Any help would be appreciated.


The throne room, once again, erupted with the gasps of a hundred Elves. Titania gripped the arms of her wicker throne tightly, her eyes so wide they looked ready to burst from her skull at any given second, her entire body trembling with rage.


Or would this be better?



The throne room, once again, erupted with the gasps of a hundred Elves. Titania gripped the arms of her wicker throne tightly, her eyes so wide they looked ready to burst from her skull at any given second; her entire body trembled with rage.


Any alternative suggestions would be more than welcome.

 

[hopewrites]

I trip on "once again" how necessary is it? I would think that you wouldnt need to tell us that it was happening again since you're in the middle of showing us it is happening again. so it sounds almost like an apology for not having some other reaction from the room.
like the eyes and the trembling they really drive home the emotive quality you seem to be driving at. I can imagine her going pale and chocking on what she wants to say she is so mad.

 

[Warren_Paul]

The throne room, once again, erupted with the gasps of a hundred Elves. Titania gripped the arms of her wicker throne tightly, her eyes so wide they looked ready to burst from her skull at any given second, her entire body trembling with rage.

Hope is right, the once again should go imo. I also think you're running your sentence on too long.

You asked for examples of alternatives, so this is a quick one I did up - could be rubbish.

The throne room erupted with the gasps of a hundred elves. Titania gripped the arms of her wicker throne as her body trembled, and her eyes drew so wide they looked ready to burst from her skull at any given second.

You don't really need to say tightly either, as it is kind of implied in 'gripped'. You don't necessarily need 'at any given second' either.

 

[Pyan]

I'd have just shifted the "Once again..." to the beginning of the sentence, to avoid breaking into the action:

Once again, the throne room erupted with the gasps of a hundred Elves...

 

[hopewrites]

oh yes that's nice, gives the lead in of "once again" and then has all the impact of unbroken action.

 

[The Judge]

Scott, I imagine it's the trembling/trembled bit that was worrying you. Both are grammatically correct, but for my taste the first is better. If you go with the second, on the one hand I don't think the semi-colon is strong enough and I'd go with a full stop, but (contrariwise) to me the distancing effect of the pause is then far too great and too much emphasis is placed on the original sub-clause by having it as a complete short sentence. Stick with the first version.

 

[allmywires]

She realised that was incredibly hungry, the smell of roasted meats drifting in from outside.

or

The smell of roasted meats drifted in from outside, and she realised she was incredibly hungry.

I'm at a crossroads...

 

[alchemist]

It has to be no. 2. The sequence is wrong in no. 1, unless these two things coincidentally happened at the same time. Even then, I'd go for 2.

 

[Venusian Broon]

Allmywires,

Is that a typo in the first sentence? As is doesn't quite make sense. Unless you perhaps want smells to have a sense of hunger. (Should it be She realised she was - as per the second sentence.)

I much prefer the cause and effect of the second one anyway.

Perhaps if you wanted it the other way around, she felt hunger then noticed the smell of roasted meats - so telling us that she was at first unaware of the smell, that prompted her to salivate? (Don't know if that adds anything...)

 

[allmywires]

Allmywires,

Is that a typo in the first sentence? As is doesn't quite make sense. Unless you perhaps want smells to have a sense of hunger. (Should it be She realised she was - as per the second sentence.)

I much prefer the cause and effect of the second one anyway.

Perhaps if you wanted it the other way around, she felt hunger then noticed the smell of roasted meats - so telling us that she was at first unaware of the smell, that prompted her to salivate? (Don't know if that adds anything...)

Oh man, whoops. That is a typo. That's what I get for not copy + pasting...

I started with the first sentence, and I've been reading over stuff and it probably does work better with the second one. She's in quite a lot of pain at that point and isn't really thinking about her hunger, until they go past the cooking meats of course. Thanks!

 

[Vertigo]

If you want to keep the effect (hunger) first in the sentence then why not just add 'as' or 'at':

She realised that she was incredibly hungry as the smell of roasted meats drifted in from outside.

She realised that she was incredibly hungry at the smell of roasted meats drifting in from outside.

Though I don't like the 'at' one really

 

[Pyan]

Or, if you want the smell first:

As the smell of roasting meats drifted in from outside, she suddenly realised she was incredibly hungry...

 

[Mouse]

I too, have a sentence niggle. I thought this was a pretty sound sentence, but somebody's just told me it took her two reads to get it. This is it:

Jenn had navigated the London Underground, successfully, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

So, I suggested an alternative: Jenn had navigated the London Underground, successfully, she supposed (despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board) as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

And she came back with: Jenn had managed to navigate the London Underground. Pretty sucessfully she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to reboard, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold's Talent Agency.

Now I'm just brain-frazzled from staring at it!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think you have some of this that if you seperated it from the main sentence might be easier:

Jenn had navigated the London Underground - successfully, she supposed - despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board. Now, she sat inside a bus shelter, just across the road from the grey-bricked building housing Herold’s Talent Agency.