Quick Fire Questions (A Place to Ask and Answer)

[Mouse]

But the bus shelter bit goes with the 'supposed' success, because that's why it was successful cos she managed to get there. (Seriously, my brain is melting!)

Um. Maybe if I just changed the 'as' to a 'because.'

 

[RJM Corbet]

As she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from the grey-bricked building that housed Herold’s Talent Agency, Jenn supposed she had successfully managed to navigate the London Underground, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board. ?

 

[HareBrain]

I'm not sure about the "supposed". There's no supposed about it, is there? She's where she wanted to be.

Jenn had navigated the London Underground with eventual success, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, and now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

But the bus shelter bit goes with the 'supposed' success, because that's why it was successful cos she managed to get there. (Seriously, my brain is melting!)

Um. Maybe if I just changed the 'as' to a 'because.'

But, starting a new sentence doesn't indicate it wasn't, it shows it's a consequence of.

 

[RJM Corbet]

... Seriously, my brain is melting!

You thought that was bad. Now it's melting ...

 

[Mouse]

I'm not sure about the "supposed". There's no supposed about it, is there? She's where she wanted to be.

Jenn had navigated the London Underground with eventual success, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, and now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

Yeah the 'supposed' is because she's not massively impressed with herself because she went wrong, but she did get there in the end. If that makes sense. So she supposes she was successful but doesn't really feel like she was.

I like yours, but I'd have to make it more conversational-y. Hmm..

But, starting a new sentence doesn't indicate it wasn't, it shows it's a consequence of.

Not in my head.

RJM, I had to read yours a couple of times before I got it.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

So, what about a semi colon. I know they're works of the devil, but...

Jenn had navigated the London Underground - successfully, she supposed - despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board; now, she sat inside a bus shelter, just across the road from the grey-bricked building housing Herold’s Talent Agency.

 

[allmywires]

Jenn thought she had navigated the London Underground successfully, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board; she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

I'm going to be wacky and throw a semicolon in there (correctly or not...)

EDIT: wow, springs, great minds eh...

 

[Mouse]

See, that does make sense but I'm not sure it's saying what I want to say. You know when you read something so much it starts to lose any sort of meaning at all? That's where I am right now. *sigh* (And yes, semi colons are pure evil).

 

[allmywires]

Jenn had successfully navigated the London Underground, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

Or just moving the successfully? Not so many commas then. I do think the 'comma, as' needs to go though....I know it's not what you want to hear Mouse! damn words, not organising themselves in a pleasing manner.

 

[RJM Corbet]

... I'm going to be wacky and throw a semicolon in there (correctly or not...)

It's right, I think? It separates two complete sentences? But then why not use two sentences?

Perhaps there's just too much in this sentence? Does it need the getting off and reboarding?

Otherwise it's easy to fit the 'supposed' into HB's:

Jenn supposed she had navigated the London Underground successfully, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

 

[Mouse]

Ooh. I think that's the closest to what I'm after so far, allmywires. (Seriously, re-write my manuscript!)

 

[allmywires]

Glad I could help now if only I could edit my own stuff to the same standard...

 

[RJM Corbet]

Ooh. I think that's the closest to what I'm after so far, allmywires. (Seriously, re-write my manuscript!)

Oh, allmywires is SO clever, allmywires is SO smart ... but can she navigate the tube?

 

[allmywires]

Oh, allmywires is SO clever, allmywires is SO smart ... but can she navigate the tube?

I've been known to venture into the smoky arteries of Londontown in the past...

EDIT: ooh, 100 posts! yikes, that went fast!

 

[Mouse]

Oh, allmywires is SO clever, allmywires is SO smart ... but can she navigate the tube?

Alright sarky-drawers!



You know, I was looking at this version: Jenn had successfully navigated the London Underground, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

and thinking, yeah... now if I just move the successfully... then realised that's where I was in the first place just with one less comma.

How about if I just stick a full stop after underground, then leave the rest the same?

 

[allmywires]

Like 'Jenn had navigated the London Underground. Successfully, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.'?

Could work, I suppose, but I think I prefer the one I suggested to be honest.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Having successfully navigated the London Underground, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, Jenn now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

(Now my brain's melting ...)

 

[Abernovo]

Jenn had successfully navigated the London Underground, she supposed, as despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

Coming late to the party, as per, I thought I'd put my two pen'orth in. I moved the 'as' (highlighted). It seemed to make more sense when I read it out to myself. You've probably fixed it how you want by now, anyway.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Timezones suck. I miss all the topics I can help with.

She realised that was incredibly hungry, the smell of roasted meats drifting in from outside.

or

The smell of roasted meats drifted in from outside, and she realised she was incredibly hungry.

I'm at a crossroads...

Probably already sorted, but I'll give my two cents anyway. The first one, as has been pointed out, flows illogically, but I don't like either of them, sorry. I'd have made them two separate sentences and included some bodily reaction in the second sentence to tell us how she realised she was hungry when she smelt it. But that's just me...

I too, have a sentence niggle. I thought this was a pretty sound sentence, but somebody's just told me it took her two reads to get it. This is it:

Jenn had navigated the London Underground, successfully, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

I'm with Springs original comment on this, Mouse. I'm afraid that once I hit 'as she now' I expect it to be a new sentence. I'd move the end to the beginning myself, but maybe that's just me.

Jenn at last sat inside the bus shelter, just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold's Talent Agency. She had navigated the London Underground successfully, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board.