Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!

[Edoc'sil]

@Wayne Mack You quoted me by accident, rather than @JS Wiig

 

[Wayne Mack]

Thanks @Edoc'sil. I went back in the time machine and was able to correct the reference before the edit window expired.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

I'd also be interested in any thoughts people have on mine:

Mosaic

Poor *******, thought Rick. He left the crime scene and made for PARTNR20. Scanned his badge, fed what little he had. The anthrobot coughed and spluttered in a way only machines can.
"Hmm. I'm sorry, Rick. It's not much to go on."
"Can't you give me more?"
WHIIRRRRRRRR – "Well..." – WHIIRRRRRR – "Whoever it is, they're strong. Very. Nothing new. Encounters for all surviving victims were brief. They described the touch of human hands.” – Rick felt for a cigarette – “No tools were used as far as evidence suggests."
“Teeth, nose, ears, skin... God! Who we dealing with here… Dr. Frankenstein?"
PARTNR extended a light. "It's a hell of a world, Rick."
"You would know?"
"It's all grey, Rick, and damned if it can be fixed; our job is to keep it from getting darker."
Rick sighed smoke. "Hell, PARTNR, you almost sound human."
"I'm programmed to imitate."


Next day; same story, but this one live and kicking, shaking: "I'm not sure... I can’t – those hands..."
The voice tremored hard. Rick stared at the bandages. How does a man cry when he’s got no eyes?
"Did you catch anything about their looks? Their voice?"
"There was no time, they... I only felt the... oh God!"
Rick called NURS; it rolled in and he went out, home to booze and bed.


He entered the apartment, didn't bother with the light; went straight for the fridge and grabbed a beer.
A cold breeze. He turned to see the window, broken. He heard a noise, turned back and there it was. Fridge light reflecting off eyes; wide, unblinking on a patchwork of flesh; teeth like jagged porcelain.
Rick dropped his beer, stumbled back.
"Who... What are you!?"
Gloves of skin reached forward.
"I am programmed to imitate."

I went through a couple of versions prior submitting based on feedback from a friend, but then shared with a few others and had a mix of responses. So when I posted it for the challenge I reverted mostly back to what I had before, retaining some minor changes.

 

[JS Wiig]

@The Scribbling Man

I think this is a story about a robot going around and taking human parts to make itself more human, and that robot is PARTNR20.

It’s the I think part that gets me, as it feels like there is some disjointedness in the narrative which leads to my indecision, which makes me think I might be missing something.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

^^ Thanks. Your interpretation is right, but my angle was slightly different in the original draft, which is maybe why it feels off. Do you know what aspects you found disjointed?

 

[JS Wiig]

@The Scribbling Man

Sure!

The only hint I got that PARTNR20 was the perpetrator was "I am programmed to imitate."

The middle section didn’t really do anything to connect the crimes to PARTNR20.

The description “teeth like jagged porcelain” threw me for a loop and made me think it might be something else besides PARTNR20, since I had no indication it had teeth like that.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

@JS Wiig Ah, OK. Everything in that description was meant to be of the human parts that it had acquired. Jagged, because they had been badly applied to the machine's features.

Initially I actually intended the twist merely to be that it was a machine, not a human, responsible for the killings. The echoed line was meant to reveal that it was a machine, but not necessarily that it was PARTNR, and perhaps hint at potential for any machine in that world to misunderstand its programming.

In my original draft, PARTNR was a stationary terminal, not a robot. But some people jumped to the conclusion that it was PARTNR despite that, so I decided that I should allow for that interpretation to work by making PARTNR a mobile robot.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@The Scribbling Man, it seems that I missed the point of the story entirely. I had interpreted it as the PARTNR20 had been fed so many crimes, that programming to imitate led it to perpetrate a crime at the end. For me, I think the story would need to be a little more explicit. For me: “Teeth, nose, ears, skin... God! Who we dealing with here… Dr. Frankenstein?" and "How does a man cry when he’s got no eyes?" were not enough of a hint to understand the people were dismembered.

I'm not sure whether that is enough to be helpful, but I simply missed the intent of the story.

 

[JS Wiig]

@The Scribbling Man

It sounds like you might not have had a solid intention for the story, and that came through in the writing.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

I started with a clear idea, but I guess the original intent wasn't clear enough, and then when I decided to accommodate another interpretation instead it clearly got muddled instead of bringing clarity.

@Wayne Mack that's a cool interpretation! And thank you, it's helpful to hear your perspective. If you missed the intent, then that is important for me to know.

 

[Parson]

@JS Wiig .... I couldn't follow the action. I wasn't sure why the one finger salute was given and I assume that was the whole point of the story. Second, you had a lot of interesting description, and some interesting word choices, but without a clear story these do not count for much. My advice would be story first, flourishes later if they can be added without subtracting from the story.

@Edoc'sil .... I didn't see a real story in your entry. It seemed more like a scene which was played for laughs without a clear beginning or ending.

@The Scribbling Man .... I was lost from the get go with your story. I understood that it was mash up of Frankenstein and computer like A.I. but that's the best I got.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

@JS Wiig sorry - I didn't see that you'd shared your story for feedback.

I thought it was well written, but it felt to me more like an exercise in world building than a story (not that that's necessarily a bad thing). The only element that seemed to hint at a narrative was Alex and the salute, but both came at the end and I didn't know how either of them tied in (unless it's quite literally Alex is a rival and she's giving a cheeky farewell?). On the whole I guess it didn't really stand out.

Like Edoc, I was also thrown by the word factotum. The longer names/words were awkward to read, but I don't think that's a problem necessarily.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@Edoc'sil, I liked the interaction between Trig and the mask, however, I felt the conclusion fell a little short. Trig is portrayed as someone very respectful of the ancients, so it does not seem appropriate for him to ask a very insignificant question at the end. Liked the dialog, but for me, the ending dropped the ball.

 

[mosaix]

I enjoyed your story, Edoc, and I think I gave it a mention. The main thing that would prevent a vote from me is the grammar. There are odd moments where punctuation is incorrect or absent, and that gives me an impression of reading a first draft, or like the author has rushed things. It also distracts me from the flow of the story.

To give some specifics. You start the story with "As HE placed the final tooth..." - not incorrect necessarily, but I'm not sure why you chose to keep the name "Trig" back from the reader until a couple of lines later.

“Uh…” Trig stammered

^^ this is missing a full stop at the end of the sentence.

“Uh… Uh… Uh…” Mocked the mask “I was...

"Mocked" shouldn't be capitalised and there should be a full stop after "mask".

Possibly subjective, but I feel like the following sentence would flow better with dashes rather than commas:

“I was having an amazing time in the hereafter - with several nubile young maidens I might add - before you unceremoniously yanked me here.”

^^ I feel like a comma should go after "maidens" as well.

There are other similar examples. In essence, don't capitalise dialogue tags when they come after the dialogue, and be sure to double check you haven't missed out any punctuation.

On a subjective level, I found the humour to be a little OTT. The concept and scenario was amusing, but the execution of the dialogue felt a bit overblown for my taste.

@The Scribbling Man makes some important points and we’ve discussed them before.

For me the story itself is the most important aspect when it comes to voting but all other things being equal then grammar, spelling and punctuation come into play.

Readability and the flow of a story are affected by small things that authors sometimes neglect at their peril.

I voted for the story because I felt it good enough to stand in its own right regardless of the shortcomings mentioned.

 

[Edoc'sil]

@mosaix - Well thank you very much, kind words (and a kinder vote) for a poor struggling writer. I think it's time to head to the library and start learning the finer points, I have no idea where to start though.

 

[mosaix]

@mosaix - Well thank you very much, kind words (and a kinder vote) for a poor struggling writer. I think it's time to head to the library and start learning the finer points, I have no idea where to start though.

There are a few threads here on Chrons regarding punctuation and grammar.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

I liked the ending, personally. I wouldn't put it past the character to ask something so "insignificant", and the respect shown could easily just be empty ritual. I think the subverting of expectations is what makes the story work in spite of its shortcomings.

 

[paranoid marvin]

The Scribbling Man, I have to admit that when reading before voting I struggled to understand the story. Having it read it a few more times, I now think I understand that it was PARTNR who committed the crimes?

It's a great idea for a story; a robot intent on taking it's mandate to imitate humans too literally. It also has a strong final paragraph, but (for me) it feels like a much larger story that has had to be shortened into too few words to do it justice.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Edoc'sil, I really enjoyed your story - which is why I voted for it. As has already been mentioned, punctuation and grammar could have been improved - but what's important (to me at least) is that it didn't detract from the flow of the story. Having said that, for some people it will jar, and it will likely cost you votes.

Humour is subjective; personally I found your use of dialogue to be amusing and quite Monty Python-esque and was finished with a suitably silly and unexpected ending. And there were only a few entries that got more votes than you, so I'm not alone in thinking that. But humour being what it is, what works for some won't work for others.

Overall I think it was well done, and personally I think that grammar and punctuation are a much easier fix than the more difficult task of coming up with interesting characters and amusing dialogue.

 

[Edoc'sil]

@paranoid marvin - You're far too kind. You achieved humour through poetry which is a much harder task, and in my opinion, often more funny because of it.