Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!

[The Scribbling Man]

The Scribbling Man, I have to admit that when reading before voting I struggled to understand the story. Having it read it a few more times, I now think I understand that it was PARTNR who committed the crimes?

It's a great idea for a story; a robot intent on taking it's mandate to imitate humans too literally. It also has a strong final paragraph, but (for me) it feels like a much larger story that has had to be shortened into too few words to do it justice.

Thanks for the feedback! I think you might be right; I was probably overly ambitious for the word count. I might try my hand at reworking it into a longer form.

 

[therapist]

Hi, I would like some critiques for my recent 300 story. I was happy with it, but no-one voted for it. So where do you think it went wrong?

Potion Boy

His dad always said, “if you can’t make friends, travel alone.” Jonas forced a smile and sat next to his camp-mates around the fire.
Freya carved an apple with her dagger, Myles nursed his flask; neither acknowledged him, but Jonas wasn’t easily defeated.
‘Cool dagger,’ Jonas said.
‘Mind your business, potion boy,’ she sneered.
His smile faltered. A tad rude. But making friends takes patience. He turned to Myles instead, ‘what you drinking?’
Myles took a swig and belched. ‘Whiskey. Not enough to share.’
He’s just being honest, Jonas rationalized. Good friendships are built on honesty. They may not be best buds yet, but it was a solid start. His smile returned—Myles passed the flask to Freya—and it disappeared completely.
He was done socializing. Jonas laid down for an early sleep, rummaging through his potions for a sleeping-aid.

He woke first. Making friends had been a failure; only one option remained. He flinted fresh kindling, boiled some porridge, and—making sure no-one was watching—selected a potion and swirled it through the simmering oats. He snatched Myle’s flask, adding a nip to mask the taste. He won’t be in any state to complain, Jonas cackled in his mind.

His camp-mates awoke, stretched, and gathered by the fire, helping themselves to breakfast. Jonas became nervous as they ate, did I add enough? He fiddled with his pack, trying to look normal as he waited for the potion to hit.
Freya was first.
‘Cheers for breakfast Jonas,’ she said with a friendly nod.
‘No worries,’ he waved it away.
‘This is tasty,’ Myles said. ‘What’s in it?’
‘Cinnamon, apples, honey,’—a dash of friendship potion—‘oh, and some of your whiskey. Hope that’s ok?’
‘Of course,’ Myles said. ‘Anytime.’
Jonas smiled at his new traveling-friends.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I liked this one, Therapist - but I liked it most when it was dark and found the ending didn’t quite live up to the promise of the earlier set up.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi therapist, there were some good things in here, but this is my personal opinion on it.


To be honest I struggled to see where the theme was apparent in your entry. Was it the potion? It's really important that in a competition the theme and genre are apparent to the reader, because even the best story will fail to get votes without them. Perhaps

He flinted fresh kindling, boiled some porridge, and—making sure no-one was watching—selected a potion and swirled it through the simmering oat

could become

he opened his backpack and took out a potion with a purple and yellow hue. Carefully he swirled it into the porridge, ensuring that no trace of it's presence remained.

Also I was a little confused as to why he had travelling companions who clearly didn't like him. Why would he travel with such people, and why would they travel with him? The phrase 'potion boy' didn't really explain anything as to why they didn't like him. Judging by the rest of the story, maybe they were right not to.

Just a tiny point but you suggest earlier in the story that Freya has emptied the flask of whisky, so there should have been none left to stare into the porridge?

Jonas cackled in his mind

'cackled' seems a bit out of sorts with the rest of the story. Was your intention to show him as perhaps evil?

I think this line

His dad always said, “if you can’t make friends, travel alone.”

was a great starting point , and set up a potential for your story that wasn't ultimately realised, as there is no suggestion of travelling alone.

With a few tweaks the story could have been about a wizard who comes across the campsite of two others - perhaps they are hunters or rangers. They don't trust him, but don't turn him away.

A darker twist to the end of the story could have been to fulfil his father's prophesy of travelling alone. Rather than a potion that makes them his friends, he could have it turn them into something else - perhaps a pair of coneys? - and his story could end with him once again travelling alone but commenting on the fact that 'he won't go hungry tonight', suggesting a grim ending for those who fail to become his friends.


That would have been a strong contender for a vote for me.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@therapist, I think my reaction was due to personal taste more than anything. Having the main character drug people into liking him and then suffering no consequences left me with a distaste for the him. I guest the story succeeded in generating an emotional reaction from me, but I wasn't able to overcome my dislike for the character.

 

[Marvin]

Hi, I would like some critiques for my recent 300 story. I was happy with it, but no-one voted for it.

It would seem it did garner at least one late vote.

 

[therapist]

To be honest I struggled to see where the theme was apparent in your entry. Was it the potion?

Thanks alot for the feedback, ParanoidMarvin. Yea I wasn't sure how explicit I needed to be with showing how the picture tied into the story. I guess I need to at least mention the correct colours? The potion swirling through the oats was the inspiration point.

Just a tiny point but you suggest earlier in the story that Freya has emptied the flask of whisky, so there should have been none left to stare into the porridge?

I think that must've been unclear writing on my part. I was suggesting the boy's smile disappeared, not the whiskey.

'cackled' seems a bit out of sorts with the rest of the story. Was your intention to show him as perhaps evil?

I did have the thought that some parts of the story might be a bit incongruous. That was my main self feedback. I used cackled because I wanted to show him as evil, and have the reader expect him to poison/kill his campmates, and him using a friendship potion would be a fun twist. But, like Jo said, it sounds like I would've been better off just going for the 'promised' ending of him poisoning. I think I felt I needed to avert expectations, and surprise the reader.

 

[Parson]

@therapist .... Hm, don't know what to say here better than that the story did not appeal to me. Perhaps it was the main character. He seemed both very simple (My Dad always told me) and deeply devious (He's not going to mind.) I also could not make the connection with the picture, but that shouldn't affect anything, because the rule is a story "inspired by the picture" and that leaves the door completely open to anything a person would like to write.

I didn't get the "evil" out of "cackled." I got "witch" out of that. That too seemed incongruous. Wouldn't a male witch be a Warlock?

On the whole I thought it was very original and although it was not my cup of tea, I would have expected it to gain more buzz than it seems to have.

 

[The Judge]

I wasn't sure how explicit I needed to be with showing how the picture tied into the story. I guess I need to at least mention the correct colours?

You don't need to be explicit at all. As Parson says, in the 300s the image is there for inspiration purposes and nothing else. You don't have to refer to it in any way if you don't want to, so it's very different from the 75s where if the theme and genre aren't shown in a story you run a real risk of voters discounting it. But... I'm one of those who does like to see a connection between the image and the story in the 300s, no matter how tenuous, so I can see the inspiration and feel it is something written for the Challenge, not merely a previously written story that was lying around that someone decided to post. Having said that, I caught a connection with the "swirled it through the oats" which was enough for me.

As to the story itself, for a while it hovered around my shortlist as I actually quite liked the concept of someone deciding that he'd make friends the easy way when meeting opposition -- the underdog winning by means of greater intelligence or ability is always something that appeals! Also, when a lot of the Challenge stories are usually dark, it's good to see something that is a little lighter. However, while a twist of taking a gentle opening and making it dark at the end can work very well, the reverse isn't always true and certainly it's not as easy to pull off, and I don't think you managed it here. For me, the "friends" are too unpleasant, which makes him seem too needy to be wanting to be with them, so the whole dynamic between them is off, making the story unbalanced.

For me, it would have worked better if, for instance, the two of them were perpetually rowing with each other, perhaps ignoring him but not being actively unpleasant to him, just getting on his nerves. (I can see them as the type of married couple who can no longer even pretend to be civil to each other in public.) If they've got a cart and he's hitched a lift with them and he really doesn't want to go back to walking but he's had enough of them, then you could make it look at if he's doing something drastic to steal the cart, whereas he's only making them be pleasant to each other, and the potion will last just long enough to get him to town. That alters the whole dynamic of their relationship and the story, making it more akin to a tale of a trickster god/animal who gets what he wants by devious means but doesn't have to face any consequences of his actions.

 

[Astro Pen]

I would mention that many regulars here are published/ professional writers. So the standards tend to be very high. Low votes doesn't equate to bad. It is that you are playing against a very good collection of talents
Since joining here about a year ago I have had several short stories published (by editors, not self published ) but I still often tank on these challenges. (see #383 on this thread ).

Regarding your entry.
It felt very YA to me so, understand, not my thing to start with.

Firstly the positive. There was an adolescent desperation to be accepted (at any price) which is the correct mode for YA, these things are important to teenagers and it counterpoints nicely with "dad's" older, but unpalatable, travel alone, wisdom.
It was part one of a lesson. I imagine Jonas will find out later why drugging was a bad strategy.

Secondly, even for someone shunned, the idea of drugging people into being your friends seems at best amoral at worst sociopathic. What next from the potion collection? Use of a 'date r*pe' potion following a Freya rejection?"

Thirdly there seemed to be anachronistic elements- "Travelling friends", "Dad", "socialising", "Camp mates", "Cheers for breakfast", contrasting with (medieval?) "Flinting kindling" and "potions".

Anyway, welcome to the "Didn't Win" club. You can join the other 33 of us in the bar

 

[JS Wiig]

Appreciate any and all feedback on my Q2-2021 entry, reproduced here in its entirety for your convenience. Thanks!

Leaving Squid Nebula

Cassandra the space pirate sat at her favorite table overlooking the multicolored glory of the Squid Nebula. Her body tingled with anticipation; she hadn’t seen Alex in two months. He’d arrived at the secluded space station a short time ago and messaged Cassandra he would make his way to the cafe post-haste. He had something important to tell her.

She slid silverware back and forth across the table and took sips from a glass of ice water. They’d been together for a while and had discussed taking the next step in their relationship. Could this be it? Shortly, Alex slid into the chair across. A charming smile lit his face. Cassandra smiled back and met his gaze.

“I have great news,” he said after taking a long drink.

“I’m waiting,” she said, butterflies ready to explode from her chest.

“I made a business deal that will set us up for life.”

“Oh.” She grabbed her drink. After a long pause she asked, “With who?”

Alex glanced around and lowered his head. “The Kuiper Mafia,” he said, hushed.

Cassandra nearly choked on her drink. “What!”

“Look, I know you have a history with them but-“

“A history? They murdered my family!”

Alex gestured with his hands. “Ok, alright, just calm down-“

“Are you serious?” She could feel the red in her face.

“Look, it’s kinda a done deal at this point. I got prepaid.”

Cassandra took several deep breaths, then said, “You got prepaid. I will have nothing to do with this.” She stood.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving. You dealt with the only people I asked you not to. Don’t you ever listen?”

“I-“

But it was too late. Cassandra stopped briefly at the door to consider what might have been, then vamoosed.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi JS Wiig, I thought your story definitely had potential, and was well written. For me though, you set up the potential for a climatic finish that you didn't follow through with. If this was a part of a larger tale it could have worked, but in my opinion it isn't memorable enough to stand as a vote-winning story on it's own.

As a space pirate, I would have expected Cassandra to do more than sip water in a cafe before walking out on her partner when he betrayed her. You also set up the potential for an interesting twist with business deal which could have had been developed further.

Personally I think you could have described Cassandra rather than told us what she was

Cassandra the space pirate

could have been (as an example) Captain Cassy, Scourge of the Seven Sectors? And perhaps meeting in a bar rather than a cafe, maybe drinking cocktails rather than water? And rather than simply walking out on him, she draws a pistol and terminates their engagement - permanently.

An alternative could have been Alex's 'business deal' being to finish the job off and kill the remaining living member of the family - Cassandra. Whether she survived or not would have been - for me - a better ending to the story than simply walking out on him.

 

[paranoid marvin]

In relation to my comments and others therapist, yes the theme is different to the 75 worder in that it is for inspiration and so you don't have to be explicit. It doesn't do any harm though to make the inspiration less subtle.

And I apologise in relation to the flask - you did make it clear enough what had happened and it was my mis-reading that gave me a false impression that it was the contents of the flask that had disappeared rather than his smile.

 

[The Judge]

I agree with paranoid marvin, JSW, in that for me it didn't create enough of a story -- it was all set up and no real pay off. As an episode in a much larger piece it would be fine, but a short for me requires something more impactful, such as the sort of endings pm suggests. It was also a bit flabby for my taste -- too much of it didn't move the story forward and was effectively padding or simply irrelevant eg calling her a space pirate takes us nowhere since there's nothing about what she does and says that links to piracy in any way. And from a feminist viewpoint, hell, she's a real backslider -- waiting meekly for him to pop the question?!

By the way, although as I told therapist it isn't necessary to reference the image, I have to say the story didn't feel to me as if it was inspired by the image, and that would have led me to mark it down even had the story been stronger. Although you've referenced the Squid Nebula, the setting is so immaterial to the plot, that the piece has the air of something already written and you've just added the nebula reference to provide a link. I'm sure that's not what happened, but once the impression struck me, I found it difficult to look beyond it. Had the nebula been important for some reason -- it's where they first met/where she captured her first ship/where there are no pirate hunters -- that impression wouldn't have arisen. Obviously, that's my idiosyncratic -- not to say plain idiotic -- reading and no one else likely thought that, but perhaps strengthening the link between story and image is something to consider another time.

 

[therapist]

Thanks to everyone who commented on my story, very helpful.

@JS Wiig Yours works as a story, but it lacked any impact for me. I didn't feel any emotion at her leaving Alex. And for me a 300 needs to have a satisfying ending. I liked Paranoid Marvin's idea of Alex finishing the Kuiper Mafia's unfinished business, I think that would be more satisfying, because it ties in with the details of Alex's dealings.

And I agree with Judge that there is too much padding that could be cut.

He’d arrived at the secluded space station a short time ago and messaged Cassandra he would make his way to the cafe post-haste

That's 8% of your story right there, and doesn't really do much.

Adding a beat on more than half of your dialogue lines felt excessive. I felt some were unnecessary and interrupted the flow.

She grabbed her drink. After a long pause she asked,

 

[Parson]

@JS Wiig I think the Judge covered it well for me. The story seemed to lack punch. --- It didn't effect my feeling about the story as to voting, but I had absolutely no idea where the picture inspired your story.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@JS Wiig, I feel you may have tried to do too much inside of a 300 word construct and may deserve a full short story presentation.

The story starts off promising some sort of romantic tale, but then tries to include some backstory. I never got the feeling that Alex had the slightest romantic interest in Cassandra, implying the romance was entirely something of her imagination. For me, this removed any rooting interest that Cassandra would connect with Alex. Having set up two plot lines, it was unclear to me whether Cassandra was upset because Alex did not return her affection or because he is working for her sworn enemy. This meant both plots lines felt unresolved. The thing that completely sunk the story for me was the use of the word 'vamoosed' at the end. For me, vamoosed implies a more light hearted exit which conflicts with either of the emotionally heavy plot lines that were handing at the end. It was probably the wrong word choice.

I think there are a lot of interesting elements in this, but I don't think any was fairly served within the size restriction. I think it might be interesting to see how the story would read at 1000-2000 words.

 

[JS Wiig]

I feel you may have tried to do too much inside of a 300 word construct...

A recurring theme...

 

[paranoid marvin]

A recurring theme...

It might be worth coming up with a shorter story and then expanding it (but try not to expand it with superfluous material). I think that it's much harder to write a longer story then have to take large chunks out to fit it into 300 words.

The way I sometimes approach the 75,100 and 300 word challenges is to write it in the style of a Twilight Zone episode; short and snappy with an interesting setup and (hopefully) a memorable ending.

Whilst you're waiting for the next 75/300 word Challenges to come along, I think that the 100 word anonymous challenge is a great place to try 3 or 4 styles of writing and see which ones get commented on most.

 

[JS Wiig]

I appreciate any and all feedback on my Q3-2021 entry, reproduced here in its entirety for your convenience. Thanks!

Cave of Illusion

Cassandra rowed the dingy across glass smooth water. Ahead, framed by light blue sky above and it’s own reflection below, jutted a small island with a small cave. Her eyes sparkled like the sea with rumors of treasure hidden within the cave.

Sure, there were warnings. There were always warnings. But Cassandra didn’t believe in ghosts, nor shy from threatened psychotic fantasies of unattainable desires. She certainly didn’t let tall tales dissuade a treasure hunt. So into the cave she went.

The hallucination began immediately. She was back home on the planet Kovar, twenty-five years ago. The smell of a meal wafted from the kitchen. On the couch her older sister sprawled, immersed in her tablet. Boyish play sounds emanated from an adjacent room. And in his favorite chair, her father sat reading.

“No,” Cassandra whimpered.

Her father peered over his glasses. “Ah, just in time for dinner.”

“You’re not real! You’re all dead!” she shrieked.

Grasping for one last thread of sanity, she pulled hard against the oars to extract herself from the cave.

Breath came in ragged gasps. Burning arms heaved against swells until the island was a speck in the distance. With aching body and heart, she stopped to curse an empty sky.

Damn you Kuiper Mafia! You murdered my family and destroyed my life! I spit on you! Her eyes watered.

Damn you Cassandra! The warnings were true and you did not listen! Her fists clenched.

And damn you cave! For your empty promises of fortune! Her face burned.

After a long sob, she resumed rowing.

Back at the ship, her first-mate greeted her. “You look like hell. I told you not to go alone.”

“Prepare the ship for takeoff.” Cassandra’s gaze wandered wistfully back over the water. “There’s no treasure here.”