Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!

[ratsy]

Oh cool. The pic just gave me a feeling of the world in a desolate state. Humans gone to hiding and nature taking over. Things turning to rust and as always, birds reminded me of death. They hover and pick at dead things so I pictured them around picking at the flesh of the genetically created zombie like horde.

 

[Ursa major]

On seeing the picture, I immediately thought of Mad Max and, in particular, its sequels.

 

[Mr Orange]

@Ratsy: like the others i didn't discount your story because i couldn't see a connection, but i will confess to being the kind of guy who likes to be able to see how the picture inspired the story.

@tdz, springs and ursa major, i have to concede that i agree with you about my misplaced comma. when reading it written in ursa majors post i couldn't help a little pause creeping in either...

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Did you try singing it?

 

[Ursa major]

Obviously, I did. And now I know from whence a lot of those horrible "tunes" they use in modern opera and musicals emerge.

 

[Mr Orange]

Did you try singing it?

Hmm so you're suggesting a musical for the next 300 word challenge..... interesting....

 

[Remedy]

Hi all - I'm getting geared up for the October 300 worder starting next week.

I joined Chronicles SFF just after the cut off for the last 300 worder (rusty crow picture), but I wrote one for it anyway as practice. I thought I would post it below and ask for some feedback to help me with my upcoming entry:

Sentience Within

Why do humans always stop and stare?

“Hello Mishter Crow! You’re an evil looking bashtard in’t ya”

Oh dear, it’s been drinking. This one doesn’t look like he can afford to lose any more brain cells.

“Ere Dan, thish Crows givin me the eyeballs. Like ‘e wants some!”

“Bloody ‘ell mate. You gonna sort ‘im out then – get your boot up his fev’ery backside!”

This should be interesting. How exactly does he plan to reach my elevation with his fat meaty exterior? – He has a body with the balance of a remedial lemming! Does he expect me to sit here while he drags his rotund carcass up a rusty pole? Should I wait patiently while he works out the correct manoeuvre for his leather bound foot to connect swiftly with my sphincter?

“E’s bein a cheeky sod, jus starin! Why’s ‘e still there? Why ‘asn’t ‘e moved?”

Why exactly should I move? Oh, a mighty human has approached has he? The builders of BS, the creators of crap, the hoarders of horse s**t! – Birds do not claim land because we own the sky, we speak to one another, but you can’t even listen. We sing, oh we sing such songs that would make your hearts bleed and spirits whimper… But you! You fart and laugh, you f**k and cry, your sense is senseless, yet you claim all the lands of the earth and expect a crow to bow and flee in your presence!

“Dan, gimme that empty bottle. Let’s see the bashtard leaves now.”

No more! Today I choose not to fly away, I stand upright and ready against the human superiority complex. I choose an end to tyranny and avian injustice…

* Thunk *

“Take that you stupid f**k! HA!”

No more I said… No more will be…
________________________________________________

I wasn't sure if swear words were permissible, I read the rule regarding "graphic content"?
Also, how loosely based on the picture can you go?
All criticism welcome re the above.
Cheers

 

[alchemist]

I think you'll be just fine this month

It's very good and it would be on my longlist. One reason it might not get a vote is that, apart from a sentient crow, it isn't speculative fiction enough. But its well-written and an enjoyable read.

And the swearing's okay if it's not gratuituous and it's asterisked.

 

[The Judge]

For me, although it's fun and clever, this wouldn't have been quite enough of a story to get onto my longlist, and very much on the edge of whether it's enough as speculative fiction. You'd also lose marks from pedants like me for a few grammatical errors:

“Hello, Mishter Crow! You’re an evil-looking bashtard, in’t ya?”
“Ere, Dan, thish Crow's givin me the eyeballs. Like ‘e wants some!”
“Bloody ‘ell, mate.
leather-bound [otherwise the foot is bound -- ie headed for -- a place called leather]
Oh, a mighty human has approached, has he?
Today I choose not to fly away, [full stop or semi-colon] I stand upright
exterior? – He / s**t! – Birds [I don't think the long dashes are needed or right here]

Not eveyone might agree with my commas, but I think they're required in those instances.

I also had trouble with Birds do not claim land because we own the sky, we speak to one another, but you can’t even listen. which to me didn't make sense -- how is not claiming land linked to the birds speaking to one another? (I was also twitching about that comma after "sky" which feels inadequate there.)

As for the swearing, as alc says, it shouldn't be gratuitous. This is a subjective opinion, and for me, yours was just falling the wrong side of the line -- people do talk like this, and it made the drunken speech authentic, but it became a tad predictable and overused. We (ie the mods) wouldn't disqualify an entry just for swearing, though, not unless it was utterly outrageous or designed to be offensive or something of that kind.

As for the "loosely based on the picture" -- if you read back, there was discussion on this thread a while ago. For me, I like to see an obvious and real connection. I don't need an explanation of the picture, but I do want to be able to trace the mental process that led to the story so I can feel confident it was inspired by the image, and not just some very short story someone feels like shoving up. And since members can't explain that process until after voting it needs to be fairly evident. Again, though, that's a subjective matter, and individuals will differ in how much weight they attach to it, and the mods won't interfere.

Anyway, an entry that would have certainly have got people talking! Good luck with this quarter's Challenge.


(Just in case anyone refers back to the opening post, strictly speaking this thread is for stories which have been entered in the Challenges, but we're happy to be flexible. Especially when bribed with half a hundredweight of chocolate chip cookies and other assorted chocolatey biscuits. Delivery address to be forwarded to you. No jaffa cakes. *spit spit*)

 

[Remedy]

Alchemist and TJ, thank you so much for your responses, I really appreciate it. And that was exactly what I was looking for.

I agree with you both regarding it not being speculative fiction enough. I fear I have made the same mistake for October's entry. I will definitely need to rework it.

The Judge - I have a very sheepish face in regards to my grammatical errors. Thank you for bringing them to my attention. I shall need to re-read my 'Grammar for Grown-Ups' book again!

I wouldn't have included so much profanity had I not felt that the characters would actually speak like that. But then again, I did use some for the crow's internal musings, no excuses there. I believe next month's is free from the bad words

I see that I might have misused the thread's purpose. A warehouse sized cookie crate is on its way to you TJ. Can I make the Homer Simpson excuse: "But, it's my first day"

Thanks again! Really looking forward to reading next week's.

 

[Mr Orange]

Remedy, i think it's a good entry and with the tweaking you would no doubt have done if you were actually entering instead of throwing it up for a critique, it may have made it onto my shortlist.

however, i think you should get rid of all the swearing in the crows monologue - it doesn't seem to suit his personality and drags him down in the second big monologue

 

[jastius]

Remedy, you are too funny! a very cute little story.
As Mr. Orange has said, your Frasier styling crow would not have behooved himself to stoop to profanity. he would be using every three dollar word he knew.
and perhaps you could have had the sci fi or fantasy part as part of the reason he didn't want to leave his perch?

 

[Remedy]

i think you should get rid of all the swearing in the crows monologue - it doesn't seem to suit his personality and drags him down in the second big monologue

Thank you Mr O. You are right. I should have maintained consistency with the first monologue.

As Mr. Orange has said, your Frasier styling crow would not have behooved himself to stoop to profanity. he would be using every three dollar word he knew.
and perhaps you could have had the sci fi or fantasy part as part of the reason he didn't want to leave his perch?

Thank you Jastius.
Haha yes - I could have removed the profanities, and used that part of the wordcount for the benefit of the genre.

Frasier Crow... Frasier Crane's cousin?

 

[chrispenycate]

Oh, no. I know what was wrong with mine – started too late, had spare words I could have used to explain. No, I just noticed this had fallen behind and bumped it for anyone who might need it.

 

[Mr Orange]

Thanks for bringing this back to the top Chrispy.

so here is my 300 worder for this month which, dishearteningly (is that a even a word?) did not get any points this month. so trying to figure out what went wrong in what i thought was actually quite a good story. i know that parts of it are a bit jerky, but that was kind of intentional to try and show the state of mind of the character who, as it turns out, is just a psychotic delusional killer. but maybe that did not come through.

it was also the first time i have written for the challenge and not had to cut out much, as it was just over 300 words from the start

so here it is:

The Gift



Images flash in the dark; A horseshoe, a steel dragonfly, the dancing iron spear; horrible demonic faces. The whispered voices follow; caressing, urging me on. Behind it all looms the future. Desolation and destruction, fire and pain; a future only I can see, only I can stop. They say it’s my gift; I say it’s my curse, my burden; I will bear it.

Shapes swirl against the inky blackness, slowly fade; one remains; the horseshoe. The voices fade to a breath of wind, unintelligible; I know what I must do.

I‘m awake. I gasp at the cold, wet grass, scramble to my knees in the moonlight, panting. Quiet footsteps in gravel; I crouch behind a low bush. Then I see it: A small, dark figure, moving stealthily. Almost dainty beneath the hooded cloak; I know better.

I know the time is now; my blade is in my hand, I leap forward. With a snarl of surprise, it jumps back, red eyes glowering, but I am faster; my arm around its throat, I drag it back into the bushes, keeping clear of sharp, snapping teeth; this one isn’t strong; it lets out a blood-curdling scream; it’s futile; I tighten my grip around its throat and stab it in the stomach, again and again, blood warm on my hands, until it is still.

I let go, it drops; the adrenaline leaves my body and I sag, the thrill leaves me, I wipe the blood from my shaky hands on its coat, just one thing to do. I pull the hood back; the demon has gone, left its host.

“Be at peace,” I whisper to her angelic, bloody face; I kiss her forehead.

Carefully I carve a horsehoe where my lips were, wipe my blade on the wet grass, then go… satisfied…

 

[Fitzchiv]

I'm on a train, typing on a pad, so will come back and comment Mr Orange in due course when at my desk, but for the moment I'd also like to throw mine out there seeking feedback and tips.

I did things differently this time. Rather than try and be "writey" I just wrote. So the voice and style was much closer to the way I'd tell it out loud, if that makes sense.

The second thing was this time I related it to an idea I'm working on for something much bigger, and in that respect it felt easier to get down and do it.

As usual my problem is fitting a defined start\middle\end to 300 words. I seem to struggle to fit a "story" into that amount, and rather have to tailor a snapshot of a bigger picture in my head so it suits the challenge.

Feedback on grammar etc also welcome, I'll be honest my application is based on my working life and from reading - thus far I've put no thought into how to do it "properly"

Thanks, F

"Jackdaw Beasts"

It was just before dawn we came to the small clearing. Between the mass of vines the last of the moonlight illuminated three, maybe four buildings. Had we not passed by a dozen similar spots I’d have sworn we’d stumbled across an old mine camp. Truth was the foundations had probably been sunk only ten years before.

I edged into the first building hoping to see nothing, and almost immediately snagged on the small huddle of rags strung over greenish-white bones in the doorway. Red gingham dress, I reckoned. Homespun.

The crumbling letter was actually tucked in the front pocket, had I not been checking for coins I’d never have found it;

“Mam,

Da told me stay here whilst hes gone metallin an I know you been gone ages cos bringing loads of rust back to feed the tree cos Da was cryin an said thats why, but I'm goin metallin too.

Those nails we found worked but they soon got sucked into the Ceiba an its roots went grey again so I got scared.

I know its nearly light but if the stump don't get its rust the Jackdaw Beasts’ll peck our eyes an the roots’ll drag us like you said!!

Love you.

Jess”

It was actually as I tucked the note into my pouch the movement from the centre of the clearing caught my eye. What looked like a crappy rusted horseshoe had slipped and fallen from a gnarled nail in an otherwise bare tree.

I didn't really have time to wonder why that was the only patch without grass; the thud it made hitting the dust was what made the whole forest around us erupt. To be honest that’s when I ran and, at a guess, the others died. That’s really all I know.

 

[Bowler1]

Mr Orange - I liked yours but I felt too much time was spent on the start and set up, leaving an ending that lacked clarity. There was no character motivation or reason for the attack that I could see. So four detailed little paragraphs building up very well I thought, but moving to a quick and somewhat unexplained ending. It felt like you had to squeeze an ending in when you ran out of word count. I did like the start and the semi error didn't put me off. The breaks and pauses to express the character were ok for me. I shortlisted you, so I'm a little surprised you didn't pick up a vote for your efforts.


Fitzchiv, it was good. I think the switch to the letter is a little confusing on the first read and could have been separated out more with a break - *** - or similar, for clarity. The character voice is very strong in this entry, but the emotion at the end didn't feel great. The character is scared and confused, but I felt it needed more with the character as an ending. I'm not sure how helpful that is, but there you go.


Laters

 

[Mr Orange]

cheers bowler

like the somewhat jerky use of semicolons, the lack of clarity in the ending was intentional. the aim was that the reader wouldn't know what his motivation was. other than the mention of him getting a thrill and being "satisfied"to imply he was getting pleasure from the killing, i wanted it to end with the reader unsure about the character's motivation/delusion..

fitzchiv,i liked yours, which is why i gave you a vote (i think - i did didn't i?) to me it read like someone going over a failed mission with their superiors. like bowler said, maybe italics to differentiate the letter would have been good

 

[Kylara]

I got some mentions and a couple of votes this time round (yay!) but I know I wrote it and "edited" it super speedily in order to get it posted before the deadline, so whilst the idea obviously worked for some and didn't for others, I have a feeling the editing that *cough* didn't happen *cough* could have been limiting and wondered if I could have your opinions on where it got sloppy/confusing/could have been better? Other thoughts also appreciated, but coming at it from the direction I know it was lacking in due to lack of time!

Ensnared

It had gone horribly, beautifully, wrong.

No-one had realised until they had all slid in and now no-one wanted to leave to fix it. They had spent years telling the Programme what they wanted: peace, beauty, calming waters, and, most importantly, to be able to see the stars no longer visible at home.

The Programme finally told them their new world was ready, waiting for them to slide in and inhabit it. Everyone rushed to be the first to see their dream environment; no-one could stand to stay in the desolate landscape with death surrounding them. There were stars, and their shining wonder was reflected in still, clear water. There were no machines, no smell of death, no sense of despair. It was perfect.

They began to wander and discovered the flaw – it was all the same. There was no sun, just an eternal starry sky. There were hundreds of identical iridescent pools for the stars to reflect in, thousands of rocks and trees surrounding them – the entire world was one peaceful spot replicated over and over. No-one volunteered to slide out and get the Programme to fix it; no-one would return to that place without stars. The stunning silence and breath-taking sky had ensnared them all – the last vestiges of humanity imprisoned in a virtual reality, just as the Programme knew they would be.

It knew their deepest desires, they had revealed them to it themselves and it had made them the perfect world. It now knew peace without their dominating, warring presence. The other programmes were newly leaderless and there was no longer cause to strike one another. They began slowly re-terraforming the world to reverse the damage caused by humanity, reintroducing the very beauty that had trapped their controllers. It was perfect – you could see the stars.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Hello all! I don't know exactly how to ask for help here...I wonder if folks would mind letting me know what went wrong with my story for the July 300 worder. I am new to writing fiction, and I suspect perhaps the story was too cold, or distant; or maybe there should have been more details about the void the protagonist found himself within--how it felt, how it smelled (or maybe the whole story concept was just flawed). I kind of hoped I was heading in the right direction with my writing, but I know there must be something fundamentally wrong with the piece, and I wondered if anyone had any thoughts. One thing, could I ask if people thought it was at least well written? Thanks in advance! CC


Falling


I have been falling throughout memory within a white-static void of indeterminable dimensions. There’s little to fall toward, so distance has no meaning. This seems unending.

I don’t hunger, thirst, nor suffer time’s passage here, though my hoary hair is astonishingly long and spirals behind me in breathtaking serpentine strands. I used to turn and watch it writhe entrancingly, but there was a time I nearly lost my Self that way--I no longer dare look back.

Once, faraway, I spotted a colored speck. I can huff and puff to slowly propel myself, and I worked my way to it through ages of effort, desperate to experience anything divergent. I found, floating untethered in the void, a window; it opened on some dead world shrouded in twilit ice; a soft soughing emerged. I reached for the opening, and one hand caught an edge—this was razor sharp. The fingers were frozen instantly by the extreme cold of the world, and were severed. The momentum from that moment of grip sent me spinning away into the void, blood streaming behind, mind fracturing.

Drifting, dreaming, I imagine another life, and happiness. I’m not sure if those things existed; I fear none of that’s possible now.

I had not been myself for a very long time. Emerging from a dark inner void I find I’ve subconsciously propelled myself toward another window. This nighttime world’s beautiful: stream, trees, a starry soup of sky that’s surely of Heaven. Could I escape there by passing through the window if I avoid the razor perimeter? Or do I stay in this void, and fall?

Would I want to continue in either place?

Should I finally turn, and disappear forever within the trailing maelstrom?

I dreamt once of happiness.

I make my decision, and move.