Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!

[The Judge]

Kylara, I enjoyed your piece, and thought it was an unusual one for you, as I always think of you as being very poetical, and this was relatively stark. I can't point to anything which didn't work, or which was confusing, but it just didn't grab me enough to make it onto my longlist. The only slight nit-pick is I'd have reversed the order of "horribly, beautifully" in the first line but that's neither here nor there. Sorry I can't be more helpful than that!

CC, yours I did have on my longlist, but it was one of those which I included because of its beauty and lyricism, and where it fell down for me was in the story itself. It isn't necessary to explain every single thing, and a little mystery can be intriguing, but for me there was too much here that was unknown and unknowable. I wouldn't have asked for more detail of the void -- if it's a void, I'd expect it to have no smell! -- but I'd certainly have liked a good bit more information about the narrator and what was actually going on. He/she talks of losing Self, but I don't know what that Self is. If it had been my piece (not that I could have written anything so ethereal!) I'd have sacrificed some of the lovely description for more of a plot, or at least a few words of explanation -- eg the person/entity is a prisoner of war trapped in this void, or the soul of a murdered angel awaiting vengeance, or the residue of a god's love seeking life elsewhere. I like to have an anchor, I like to understand -- or at least make an educated guess at -- the point of the story and what is going on, but here I was as adrift as the narrator him/herself. Some emotion would also have helped, even if it was past emotion -- eg he/she is no longer angry, is tired, is desolate -- as for me there's too much of a blank here, which may be explicable if someone has been imprisoned for aeons, and fitted with the story, but is very distancing. I loved your writing, so I don't think that's an issue (though one tiny nit-pick -- the "huff and puff" felt too childish to me and seemed out of place). For me -- and this is simply my opinion, of course -- it simply came down to a lack of storyline and a bit of a hole where the narrator should be. Hope that makes some kind of sense!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

For yours, Kylara, I found it hard to get involved in the story, it seemed to go around the story and not straight into it, and I'm not sure 300 gives the luxury to do that. As you say, maybe some tighter editing might have made it more immediate for you.

CC, like TJ, there was too much I didn't understand, too many strands for me, and I found it hard to know what the exact story was.

In neither of them was the writing an issue.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Kylara, I liked yours and the concept was really fresh, but I think the final paragraph didn't do justice to the idea. I'd have liked it more if it were personalised (as in a specific person's take), and I think there'd be a nice chance for a bitter sweet ending there, too. Or at least make it easier for us to empathise.

CC - yours was also on my shortlist and that was because of the nebulous weirdness. There was something rather meta about it and I found myself thinking of House of Leaves (which I love). I couldn't place it in my top three because the ones I voted for were just so strong, and I felt there was not enough thrust of a story in yours by comparison. It was a chilling tale though, and totally within the realm of weird things that I enjoy!

I think this is the second-best I have done myself, in terms of votes, and am really pleased to have received 6. I do have a question, though: I wanted to leave things open as to what Delia was visiting and wondered what everyone's take on it was. The way I intended, I wanted there to be two possibilities, so what did you think?

Oh, and btw it was part-inspired by Ariel's lament in The Tempest; 'Full fathom five thy father lies, those are pearls that were his eyes...'

thanks

pH

 

[The Judge]

To be honest Phyrebrat, yours was another on my longlist for the sheer beauty of some of the lines, but I couldn't quite work out what was going on, and I couldn't see the SFF/speculative fiction element. I suspected he might have been fee or some kind of water spirit or even a salmon-man (man-salmon), but equally he could just have been an ordinary man eg a gypsy visiting her, so since I'm fussy about stories hitting the genre it lost marks for me. Was he meant to be dead then? If you had made that, or whatever the SFF was, clearer, or if I'd been less slow-witted, you'd have been a strong contender for my third vote. (Though, if I'm being mega-fussy, there were too many lines which I saw as adding nothing to the story, which I'd have liked excised to make the plot itself stronger eg "in the chilly little village of Foile" and "my father's race at Brooklands" -- that could well be me missing the point again, though.)

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Argh, me and TJ are on the same page today. I loved your first few lines, Phyre, they were just beautiful and one of the best intros I've read in the challenges. But I thought it didn't tell me enough of a story, and got a little rambling in places, which I don't think a challenge entry can afford. I had no problem with the open-ended ending, though, and those first lines will stay with me forever.

I have to say, as well, I think this was one of the best quality months I've seen. I could have short-listed practically any of the stories, which meant stories I might have normally mentioned didn't get onto my named shortlist.

 

[ratsy]

I'm just hoping to get feedback on my entry which garnered zero votes and just a few mentions (although I greatly appreciate the mentions where I did get them)

I liked the story when I wrote it, and felt like it was a cool take on a world dead from some radiation catastrophe. I pictured this guy, all alone in the world, at this lake, when he has to hide from a creature. He realizes that it could be a human, mutated from the radiation and then he sees the change in himself.

Anyways, thoughts?


Change


The stars shone down on the lake-shore. The phosphors glowed green, casting reed shaped shadows on the rocks. It was the ultimate irony to Kel. The radiation that had killed everyone he’d ever loved also made the world glow in beauty.

His pack dropped to the rocks and he stooped to the water for a drink. It would be tainted, but everything around him was compromised so his thirst won out. The liquid was cool against his parched tongue and left a taste that reminded him of eggs.

A shuffling from the trees startled him and without thinking, he hid, back pressed against a large rock. Footsteps came toward him. His chest tightened as he attempted to stay small and breathe quietly. Sweat beaded down his forehead, the salty drops burned his eyes. The steps stopped and something started to sniff the air above him.

After what felt like hours, the sniffing stopped. A large trunk like protuberance passed over his head and plunged into the water. It drank. The trunk pulled back, leaving him soaked in rain water, still crouching behind the rock.

It left.

Turning around after a few moments, he saw the creature in the dim light. It walked on two legs. He shuddered as he wondered if he would become like this monster. Most people had died as their bodies were poisoned, but some like him kept going...and eventually changed.

He shouldered his pack, deciding to keep moving for the night. Something caught his eye in the water and he leaned down to see it. The light was dim but the stars shone bright that night. He saw only his reflection in the calm lake. He touched his face and could now feel the change.

His tears caused small ripples as they fell.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I don't have much critique for any of these stories, as Kylara and CC were on my shortlist and I voted for Phyrebrat.

Kylara, I liked how it was revealed that the Programme deliberately trapped all the people inside it so that it could revamp the outside for itself.

CC, I do think there could have been more of the story revealed in yours, such as who this being was and how it came to be there, but it was still beautiful and intriguing with all the mystery.

Phyrebrat, I really (obviously) loved yours. I saw it as a young man who the girl's father killed to keep him from courting his daughter, because he was "inappropriate", and buried him under the tree (or threw him in the river and he was caught by the tree roots); every year his spirit calls to the girl and she goes to meet him there. As a side note, the title reminded me of a book I used to read as a teenager, Judy Blume's Tiger Eyes, where the ("inappropriate") boy tells the girl that he will meet her every year "quando los logartijos corren" -- "when the lizards run".

Ratsy, you slipped in there while I was dithering ...err... typing. I can't recall off the top of my head if I shortlisted you or not, but I can't imagine why not except maybe my list was already far too long and I started cutting. It really is a good story (I'll add it to my collection) and I can't think of anything I would suggest to change it. Some months are like that. I thought mine was fabulous, too.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Ratsy, I liked yours, there was nowt wrong with it, but it perhaps lacked that spark of something truly special to stand out in such a crowded (and original) month for me.

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

I can see why mine didn't make it for the most part. It was very far from my original vision, and the idea was originally based off that of a favorite song of mine, but, my original was four times longer than allowed.


I also didn't like how I wound up ending mine this time. It was just so far to the left that it didn't work, now that I think back on it. I started out as a nice fairy tale folk story romance sort of thing, then that ending where it wound up sounding like a campfire story just didn't work. My original ending was better, but, would have pushed constraints.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Well, I really loved it and shortlisted it. I thought it had a gorgeous faerie vibe to it.

 

[The Judge]

I like your take on Phyrebrat's, TDZ, and wish I'd seen that -- but nothing in the story (that I could see, anyway) pointed to it.

ratsy, your story was another that I quite liked, but it didn't quite grab me enough to make my longlist. Part of the problem for me, I think, is that you give away the ending too soon. I'd have liked the "He shuddered..." sentence removed, and more tension/build up before he realises the monster was a man who had changed -- he'd heard rumours, perhaps, but never believed them -- and have him pity the monster, perhaps, because it would be better to be dead, which is what he knows is going to happen to him. And then the moment he realises he's changing would be more dramatic, I think.

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

I think anyone would be able to guess what song it was meant to be based off of. Alex should definitely know.


But, my original just sounded so much better to me. Maybe I'll find a way to get it up here just to share it with you all. It is about 1,200 words, so while that is well within Critique standards, it isn't really anything I need to be nitpicked over.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Thank you, everyone, for your insightful and helpful thoughts. I understand what you're all saying, and I will try to include these suggestions in my next 300 worder. The story needs to be stronger--that makes perfect sense. One thing I'm having trouble with, with the word limits, is deciding what is necessary to include in a story--pretty writing, or story, and clearly story is key. I'm very happy the problem wasn't the writing/usage; that's a positive I can build on. (And TJ, oh, I worried from the start that the huff/puff method for movement was just not right...I thought of arm flapping, but that seemed even worse! )

Ratsy, Karn, Kylara, Phyrebrat, and Dusty, I enjoyed each of your stories. It was, to me, the richest collection of stories in any Challenge I have participated in. I wish I knew more about critiquing, I'm sorry. I'm thankful for the kind folks here who do understand the practice, and are so willing to help new writers like myself. Thanks again gang, I will keep trying! CC

ps--Karn, that would be great if you posted the whole story!

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

None of these stories were badly written. I can only offer a few general comments.

@Kylara: The only problem I can find with this is that it seems a bit too impersonal. Look at all the uses of vague pronouns like "it" and "they." Just a touch of the personal could have fixed this. Otherwise it reads more like an outline for a story than a real story.

@Cat's Cradle: Although I loved the surrealism and imagination of this, I do have to agree that it was a little too vague. A few more specific details would have helped.

@Phyrebrat: I'm not sure you need any advice at all. The number of votes you earned is nothing to sneeze at. Some might say that this is a little too subtle, that the reader might not even be able to speculate about what is going on. (My own interpretation was that the man's return was somehow linked, in a mysterious way, with the life cycle of the salmon.) Personally, I liked the fact that this was suggestive and impressionistic rather than explicit.

@ratsy: Nothing really wrong with the story itself, but I have to admit that some technical issues with a few words bothered me just slightly. In my opinion (which may differ from that of others) "lake-shore" should be "lakeshore," "reed shaped" should be "reed-shaped," "trunk like" should be "trunk-like," and "rain water" should be "rainwater." I have to agree that the ending was tipped off just a bit, but I did not think this was an important problem in a very brief story.

@Karn Maeshalanadae: The only quibble I had with this story is reflected by its title, which is rather plain. I also found the story itself a bit too straightforward, with nothing in particular to distinguish it from a true folk tale or legend. A little something unexpected would have helped.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I like your take on Phyrebrat's, TDZ, and wish I'd seen that -- but nothing in the story (that I could see, anyway) pointed to it.

So I made the whole thing up, then?

Inside my head is a scary place....

Ok, so just to prove I'm not completely insane, here are the bits I saw all of that in:

My secret alder, with hidden treasure sequestered underneath, is a seasonal one, and one I’ll never betray.

The treetop stands proud, higher than any oak - a lighthouse beacon; Delia come, it’s nearly time. Come to me and let us dance.

Sam had always been a water baby. I’d met him at my father’s race in Brooklands as he swam across the nearby river to get home; a stain of sandy yellow britches and russet wool jacket amongst the magpie suits of landed gentry. Oddly, he disappeared when father saw the cut of his cloth, and his eye for me.

But, once a year he returns, when the salmon run.

Once a year.

Under the alder.

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Well, I can see what you mean, Victoria, but I was going for straightforward. It wasn't the kind of story that was to be unexpected or have plot twists.

 

[ratsy]

Thanks guys, I see what you mean but I wasn't really going for a big plot twist to stick you at the end.

I see what you mean Victoria. It looks as though I need an editor for my 300 worders!

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Ratsy, that statement was almost the same as mine, hahaha.


Thanks for the vote, by the way. It was a massive surprise.

 

[ratsy]

Hah, it was Karn...TJ does an awesome job on the twist, and I like to do some of that in my short stories but I don't tend to in these challenges.

You're welcome for the vote. I really enjoyed your story

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

I admit, it was a fun one to right. I also, both shamelessly and shamefully, admit to having to look up names for the girl. I chose Andra because its meaning, I felt, best fit the personality I was trying to convey with her.


Finn I chose just for the fun of it, and to be honest, does sound very Irish to me. I'm sure Alc or Springs might say something about that though.