that old devil of mine; pov changes?

[Jo Zebedee]

ok, so not to be left out in the how far can I go with one sentence threads (ok this is a short excerpt but anyway)
I got a crit this morning that suggested I'm swopped pov's during this. I didn't think I had, that I'd stayed with the Empress and that staying in a pov didn't preclude me from describing what someone else does.

So, here goes, have I?


She waited. The great Seer, the rebel who had stood against her, was hers to command, a puppet for her use. The only psycher with the strength to match hers, the Empress knew once he weakened a little further she would bind him to her and own him in every way.
Ealyn Varnon slowly moved his eyes and stopped to focus on a prism suspended from the ceiling. Its clear form twisted, catching the light from a small window and sent rainbows through the room, keeping his mind imprisoned in the future.
He spoke in a clear voice. “I see you, somewhat older, on a balcony. The people below are shouting your name. They’ve come to hear you speak.”

 

[HareBrain]

When I read this, I thought at first you had too. It's when Ealyn stops to focus on the prism. It might even be just "focus", as this is something you'd expect to know only within that person's perception.

The Empress could see or deduce what he's focusing on, so technically you haven't swapped POV, but at first glance it reads like it.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

So if I said

Ealyn Varnon slowly moved his eyes until they stopped at a prism suspended from the ceiling?

I think previously I had a she watched as Ealyn Varnon... but took it out as it seemed to be too distant, perhaps now I've got up too close?

 

[Coragem]

Ealyn Varnon was moving his eyes slowly. They stopped, focusing on a prism suspended from the ceiling, a prism whose clear form twisted, catching the light from a small window, sending rainbows through the room; it would be keeping his mind imprisoned in the future.

Just a quick example above.

Read in context I don't think your version would jump out as a change in POV, but a few simple changes could make it really obvious that your POV character is observing Ealyn.

Coragem.

 

[HareBrain]

Yes, I think that's fine. (Though eyes "stopping at" something makes me think of billiard balls. I might have put "slowly moved his eyes to look at".)

 

[Hex]

Sorry, removal of 'she watched' probably my fault. I think here it mightn't be so much of an issue (she said, backing away frantically).

I wondered about the rainbows falling across Ealyn's face to underline who is watching.

I agree the issue may well be 'focus' -- you could pull back a bit and go for something more like: 'Ealyn Varnon turned slowly to the prism on the ceiling; his body stiffened as it took control of his mind, imprisoning him in the future.'

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I don't think it was you, Hex, I think it was the recent thread on seemed/looked that got me scurrying off to remove the last offenders.

Now that I think about it, though, didn't you start said thread.

Thanks all, a nice easy fix for once.

 

[Hex]

Now that I think about it, though, didn't you start said thread.

No. That was another 'Hex', someone quite different.

 

[Ursa major]

The only psycher with the strength to match hers, the Empress knew once he weakened a little further she would bind him to her and own him in every way.

I'm not sure this is right. Or if it is, it's confusing.

When I read

The only psycher with the strength to match hers,

I expect the next name, or personal pronoun, to refer to this powerful psycher. But the pscher being referred to is the Seer, not the Empress.

It may be this which suggests to your critiquer that there's a possibility of head hopping. So when they read the verb, focus, this confirms their opinion.



Try something along the lines of this:

She waited. The great Seer, the rebel who had stood against her, was hers to command, a puppet for her use. He was the only psycher with the strength to match hers. But the Empress knew that once he weakened a little further, she would be able to bind him to her and own him in every way.

or

She waited. The great Seer, the rebel who had stood against her, was hers to command, a puppet for her use. As the only psycher with the strength to match his, the Empress knew that once he weakened a little further, she would be able to bind him to her and own him in every way.

.

 

[David B]

She waited. The great Seer, the rebel who had stood against her, was hers to command, a puppet for her use. The only psycher with the strength to match hers, the Empress knew once he weakened a little further she would bind him to her and own him in every way.
Ealyn Varnon slowly moved his eyes and stopped to focus on a prism suspended from the ceiling. Its clear form twisted, catching the light from a small window and sent rainbows through the room, keeping his mind imprisoned in the future.
He spoke in a clear voice. “I see you, somewhat older, on a balcony. The people below are shouting your name. They’ve come to hear you speak.”

The bits highlighted in red shift POV for me.

In the first one there's too much detail IMO unless you're in the POV character's head. I'd have just said 'stared at'.

The second part reads like a POV comment.

Maybe you could try something like:

Ealyn Varnon looked away from her and stared at a prism suspended from the ceiling. She followed his gaze to the crystal that kept his mind imprisoned. Its clear form twisted, catching the light from a small window and sent rainbows through the room.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think you're right about the first but not sure about 2nd cos she is the one who deliberately used it to imprison his mind so I think that's her pov

 

[David B]

I think you're right about the first but not sure about 2nd cos she is the one who deliberately used it to imprison his mind so I think that's her pov

That paragraph starts with him not her. He is the one drawing attention to the prism. Unless something inserts her POV, the on-going description can be misread as a continuation of his thoughts even though you had no intention of head-hopping.

 

[Ursa major]

If the task of the prism is to trap minds in the future, then the person using it on the Seer, the Empress, would know that. However, the reader might need a hint that this is what's happening, if they don't already know. (I'm guessing, though, that this isn't the beginning of the first scene of the story and that the readers are aware of what's going on.)

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Not sure they are but it becomes very clear at start of next ch about 100 words on when we do go into his pov
David I'll have a look at see how to make it plainer its her - I might put the she watched back in

 

[mosaix]

If you said:

She saw Ealyn Varnon slowly move his eyes and stop to focus on a prism suspended from the ceiling.

That might resolve the issue.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thanks Mosaix, that might be softer that she watched.

 

[The Judge]

She saw Ealyn Varnon slowly move his eyes and stop to focus on a prism suspended from the ceiling.

But you don't need the "She saw" since we're in her POV and should know it.

The problem with the original is not the focussing per se, it's the "stopped to focus" -- that implies intent ie "in order to focus" not merely what happened ie "and focussed" and intent can only be from his POV, hence the apparent change. The same would apply to HB's "to look at" version, though not as strongly (because looking at can be deduced more easily by a viewer than focussing can).

Ursa is right about the "The only Psycher..." sentence, the next sub-clause has to start "he [verb]ed".

And you need a comma after "window" to complete a sub-clause there, otherwise it has to be "and sending..." to be correct.

 

[Gumboot]

ok, so not to be left out in the how far can I go with one sentence threads (ok this is a short excerpt but anyway)
I got a crit this morning that suggested I'm swopped pov's during this. I didn't think I had, that I'd stayed with the Empress and that staying in a pov didn't preclude me from describing what someone else does.

So, here goes, have I?


She waited. The great Seer, the rebel who had stood against her, was hers to command, a puppet for her use. The only psycher with the strength to match hers, the Empress knew once he weakened a little further she would bind him to her and own him in every way.
Ealyn Varnon slowly moved his eyes and stopped to focus on a prism suspended from the ceiling. Its clear form twisted, catching the light from a small window and sent rainbows through the room, keeping his mind imprisoned in the future.
He spoke in a clear voice. “I see you, somewhat older, on a balcony. The people below are shouting your name. They’ve come to hear you speak.”

I think even just changing "Ealyn Varnon" to "He" would avoid the impression of the POV jump.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm not sure; why would it? Whether I identify him by name or by designator it's still the same start to the paragraph.

This is the first place in the book he's identified (to be fair it is chapter one, so it's not like there's a huge intrigue) and I think to give it a he still indicates the change.

I do have a tendency to slip still, evidently and have now got it on my checklist for the next read through.

Some day I will get there, and I think I'm crawling closer with each edit....

 

[Hex]

You need to get inside the Empress's head, springs. Become the Empress....