Discussion -- 75 Word Challenge -- June

[ratsy]

Ratsy – Sigh. I know I shouldn’t but I really wanted to smile at this one. There was something of innocence not just in the words of on the paper, but in the way a young messenger could not see the importance of the note he carried when tempted with pie. In much the same way as the previous story gave a character life, this one painted vivid pictures in my head. Excellent.

Thanks Perp, that is actually what i was going for!! I am so glad someone picked up on it.

 

[David Evil Overlord]

Thanks for the review, Perp.

Naturally, I thought of an even better story idea this morning. One I'll have to write up and save for another month's challenge. Or maybe even to submit somewhere.

 

[Azzagorn]

Last month, I'll admit I strayed from the genre not so much in fact but enough that it was most certainly ambiguous. I'm taking my time this month, trying to get everything right. This months stories have been once again fantastic. Keep it up people!

 

[James Coote]

Actually, it is more just the back-slapping in the discussion threads at the end of the month that irks me. But having looked more closely at the Improve thread, it seems like I've misunderstood what it was for, and is probably more where I want to be

 

[stevietee]

Stevietee – This story almost comes with sound. There was a beauty in the opening lines that was little more than a precursor for what was to come. Once again I felt that there was a double innocence worked into the story, the fact that the boy was an innocent, and his killer had a kind of innocence about him as he slit his throat, thinking he would stop the deaths. Who knows what retribution a king might work? Excellent.

Thanks for that Perp Man, comments like this make it all worthwhile .

My last effort (my first) went largely unnoticed, although I prefer to think that this was because I didn't capture the genre rather than the fact that it wasn't very good . Hopefully a Goddess, a Mad King and a Castrato are enough for this one to qualify as a fantasy.

Not that I'm expecting to fare any better this time, given the quality of the competition!

Good work with the reviews though - don't know how you find the time!

 

[TomS]

TomS – This is one of those that I find hard to truly pin down, but there is a momentous feel to it, as though events are turning and major things are happening. There is the feeling that we (as a race) are viewed as nothing, that we are beyond hope, lost of any hope of innocence, that even the smallest chance is lost in the multitude.

That's about it, but also that the hope is right there in the child I mentioned. Yet....no one is listening. "Seen but not heard."

That's why I should have put that last line in quotes.

 

[Perpetual Man]

And with a mad dash at the end of the week...

Brev – This caught the theme in the most terrible of ways, heart wrenching as a child follows the instructions of their parent to the letter, while the world outside presumably falls apart, leaving a child waiting for a parent that will never come back... gulp, where’s that hanky.

Glen – At the heart of this story is the old adage of ‘I was just following orders’. It really makes you think is a man innocent if he is doing what he commanded. Does he deserve any less than those who gave the orders or could he have said ‘No.’ Loved the different angles of innocent.

HB – In some ways the retribution in this story is terrible, as a man at the end of his days a man struggles to regain innocence – in this case from some crime committed in the past. The thought that comes to mind here though, is justice. He got what he deserved, and if it took that to restore his innocence then he really deserved it.

R J Dando – What I liked most about this story was the ending, it was a nice resolution, a solid moment, bringing a finality to a grisly set of killings, and the reasons behind them. The rundown of what can become of a child was spot on, and in many ways turned the story on its head and gave it a different perspective.

Johnnyjet – why am I thinking of the childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? A really clever way of showing the innocence of small children. How easy to lure them with the promises of wonders and fun, when the truth is a lot more sinister.

Phyrebrat – I’m really not sure what to make of this one in the best possible way. I can see so many different interpretation of just what it is that it adds a depth to the story that could be anything. The innocence of a child is truly highlighted. Could it be his imagination or a horrendous truth? It does not matter just the sinister fun that emanates from the tale.

BM – A slightly different take on the nativity or is it? The length of a task for finding someone pure seems to have been a near impossible one, so one cannot help but feel sorry for the observers meant to find three wise men, an even greater task I feel. Perhaps the innocence though is not in the finding someone pure, but in the fact they keep looking...

Tactical Loco – Something that has a bigger feel to it. Here it is the planet that seems the perfect place, but it might not be as perfect as it seems removing those that do not meet her standards. (And no one does). Is that innocence? Or is it in the crew of the Earth ship who have no idea what they are letting themselves in for?

Aun Doorback – perhaps one of the purest distillations of the theme I have seen, to me at least. What could be more heart achingly innocent than a girl losing her arm and having such faith in her parent that she knows it can be reattached as simply as a toys?

 

[nixie]

Hopes she is still going to get a review once story posted even though it is disqualified.

 

[Perpetual Man]

If I had read it before it was removed I would have done a review, so I don't see why not.

 

[RcGrant]

You taunt us, madame.

I've sent it to the mods so we will see if they allow it.

 

[RcGrant]

I'm loving the entries so far, and I am trying hard to pretend not to be jealous. I'll will comment on some of my faves later this evening.

 

[Gary Compton]

I've sent it to the mods so we will see if they allow it.

I'm sure they'll approve it, after all, we're not a nunnery here with Mother Teresa in charge of the pen.

***Swallows nervously as he remembers one of the mods is called ******

 

[nixie]

Nunnery never, although we may invest in some canes as it is rather sore on the hands when we need to dish out slaps.

 

[Gary Compton]

Nunnery never, although we may invest in some canes as it is rather sore on the hands when we need to dish out slaps.

I pay good money for that sort of service. Is it free here?

 

[Ursa major]

What did you expect? A hand out...?

 

[paranoid marvin]

Is that a reason to break the habit of a lifetime?

 

[stevietee]

Ooosh - its beginning to sound more like a punnery

 

[Gary Compton]

What did you expect? A hand out...?

ho-ho!

Is that a reason to break the habit of a lifetime?

ha-ha!

Ooosh - its beginning to sound more like a punnery

tee-hee!

ta-ta for now!

 

[RcGrant]

Hoorah. Mods say I can go ahead.

 

[RcGrant]

Here are my reviews of some of my favourites:

MemoryTale - Sharp. I feel like you make excellent use of every available word. The last line literally had me going 'ouch!'

James Coote - I felt this was part of a bigger story (in a good way). I liked the feeling of climax it had to it despite the slight pronoun confusion making me read through it twice ('She knelt down...' follows a sentence where the child is the subject, making one think the child is also the subject of the next).

Gary Compton - I liked the weightiness to your piece. It felt like the character - old, deep, relentless. I very much liked the contrast between the longer sentences at the beginning (providing a false sense of security) and the short ones at the end that punctuated the actions.

crystalhaven - Just beautiful. This is the type of fantasy I would pick up in a bookstore and buy. When I read it I actually said out-loud 'this is brilliant'.

Teresa - Good, old fashioned fantasy at its best. I like the dual innocence - the dragon and the girl.

ratsy - Probably the most original of the lot. Somehow you managed to whisk me away to the time and setting with hardly any words. That's a true talent. I love the simplicity of this piece - and how the innocence of the hanged was mirrored in the innocence of the mistake, the innocence of the messenger boy, the innocence of the apple pie imagery. I'm genuinely curious how long this took you to come up with, because for me it has many layers.

hopewrites - There is something about this that reminds me of 'The Magic Faraway Tree'. It was clever and made me smile.

Boneman - I'm jealous - how can you make a 75 word (or fewer) story funny?! May I borrow your brain?

reiver33 - Lamb and acacia - did you read the wiki entry on 'innocence' too? I'm impressed with how you incorporated it, to be honest. You've got some stark sentences in your story which I enjoyed. The last line is great, but the one I liked best was 'I am the architect of your future'.