First 250 words of Galaxy of Flowers

[Jo Zebedee]

I posted an earlier version of this, but there were a few issues, like it starting with the weather, and not entirely setting the scene. So, I changed the scene.

I'm struggling with first, keep changing the blinking thing to third and then finding it changing back, so I think it will eventually end up in first, once I get a bit more confidence. Anyway, mainly what I'm wondering about is a. if this is hooky and b. if there is any voice and c. does it make any sense? I'm getting obsessed about voices. Many thanks, if anyone has the time.


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The cake is massive. It has to be: thirty of us live in Mount Pleasant, and a load of others who left over the last year or so have come in for my party. Really, they’ve come in for the free food.

Matron sets the cake down and bangs the table with a spoon. “Right! One – two – three – Happy birthday …”

Everyone joins in. I look at the cake. It’s the same as every 18th birthday cake at the orphanage: a big square with candles round the outside, and my name iced in pink for a girl. They stop singing and I lean forward, ready to blow out the candles.

“Make a wish!” Dex’s voice cuts through the cheers. He mouths good luck and gives the thumbs up.

I lean over and close my eyes. The candles are hot against my cheeks. Let her have sent them. I blow out the candles and there’s a round of applause. Matron hands me the white envelope I’ve been waiting for, the one that’s been held in SpaceCon’s archives since I was born. I tear it open and pull out my datastick. It’s plain white with just my name typed on it: Leda Farrell. Tomorrow, if I want to, I can go SpaceCon’s headquarters and ask them to upload anything they have for me. I’m not looking forward to it. I don’t trust SpaceCon, but I have to go. They own my mother’s memories, and I want them back.

 

[Mouse]

Um. Present tense. It made me wince. I love first person, love it, but hate present tense (says she whose 300 word entry is in first person present tense *cough*). So, bear that in mind when I say it didn't do it for me. Didn't feel you, didn't feel anyone in particular.

I dunno. Maybe there needs to be more of it for me to get over the wince of the present tense.

 

[allmywires]

I have to agree with Mouse, and I know it's rich coming from me of all people, but I didn't feel her voice either. Technically the piece was very good, but I think I would want a little more of the hinted-at dread of another birthday, of going to find her mother's memories. I think the biggest problem is the 'I'm not looking forward to it' sentence - I'd rather have something descriptive.

It's just me being picky, though, I mean there's nothing explicitly wrong with it. Then again I find first person present tense hard to do unless my character is in a complete mental/emotional disarray.

P.S just another thought, felt a bit YA to me, though I suspect it's only because of the red herring of young character + first person.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Ooh present tense . You're doing really well with the first person present tense. One of the biggest mistakes some writers make is to make it sound like they are shoving marionette's round the story (I include myself in that) but you haven't done that.

I really, really enjoyed this but the final paragraph felt like it was cramming too much information into the introduction. Could she shove it in her pocket for later? Ignore me if once placed back in context this doesn't feel rushed.

The only thing I would suggest is fitting in more interaction and making it longer. Present tense can give the illusion of a faster pace and these things make it feel slower.

It does have a young-adult almost Tracy Beaker to it but that could be the situation.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hmm, yes, I do worry about first present, but I keep trying to change it and it keeps coming back to it. Which is bizarre cos I'm normally so comfortable in third...

Anya: does this declutter the end a little (there's a repeat of tomorrow, and I can't decide if I like it or hate it. I think I like it.):

Tomorrow, if I want, I can go SpaceCon’s headquarters and upload anything they have for me. I can’t wait: SpaceCon own my mother’s memories, and tomorrow I’ll get them back.

PS it probably is young adult, this one. For once.

 

[Mouse]

What's wrong with first past? Try that maybe.

(That sounds blunter than I meant it to sound. I mean, if you don't think it works in first present, and don't think it works in third past, then try first past).

 

[Jo Zebedee]

The mother's sections, when she accesses the memories, are in first past. Which leads to great confusion if both pov's are in the same tense, if that makes sense? Trust me to have found something uber complicated...

 

[allmywires]

Mm see I think it does work well in first present. I just think it needs an extra spark in there somewhere. Doesn't feel right for first past somehow imo.

 

[thaddeus6th]

As always, I do tend to focus on criticism rather than praise, so don't take any points personally. I haven't read other critiques, so repetition may occur.

"It has to be: thirty of us live in Mount Pleasant, and a load of others who left over the last year or so have come in for my party." - not sure I like the colon. A full stop could add impact, or the sentiment could be rephrased (perhaps as a rhetorical question?)

"bangs the table" - works fine, but I'd consider 'thumps' instead.

"I look at the cake" - given the identical nature of it 'I don't even need to look at the cake' or suchlike may work better if (later) you're going for a boring/everything's predictable vibe.

"They own my mother’s memories, and I want them back." - good sentiment. Did they acquire them legally/morally? If not, 'stole' could be better.

Have just glanced at everyone else's replies. I didn't even notice it was in the present tense. Might be because I'm a bit sleepy, but given I was looking (as usual ) for things to correct that would infer I had no problem with the tense.

Last paragraph can either be increased in size or the information spread a little more.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

A bit I would need to see it in context but it is a lot less cluttered. It does still feel like a lot of information is in the first 250 words so maybe if you add something small like a whisper from a friend, a shout from a smaller child etc it would feel less so and break up the information about her current situation and the information about her mother.

As it is YA then the voice is good - it sounds a bit Jacqueline Wilson/Judy Blume to me. It still reads well and for me the voice is strong for an early draft.

First present doesn't seem to be controversial for Young Adult these days. Looking at the NaNoWriMo boards this year the number of teens trying it out is very different to when I first did NaNoWriMo with a story in present tense.

I have done a similar arrangement with my Urban Fantasy the 1940s are in past tense and the 1980s in present tense - it works quite well, in my opinion, giving the 1940s an almost sepia feel.

 

[Mouse]

The mother's sections, when she accesses the memories, are in first past. Which leads to great confusion if both pov's are in the same tense, if that makes sense? Trust me to have found something uber complicated...

Ah ok... (More bearable for me to read if it's not all present!) I can only think of The Possessions of Doctor Forrest where it's written in several first person past tense POVS, but it's sort of journals and diaries and letters and things. (Very good book, btw).

 

[Nerds_feather]

I don't mind the present tense, but FYI it does give the book a YA feel--particularly in the context of a coming-of-age story (which I assume this is, in at least some sense). Is that what you are going for? If so, it is appropriate. If not, then you might want to switch to past.

A few small things:

*SpaceCon sounds too much like an actual convention.
*Data stick seems like it could quickly become anachronistic, given how real world/right now data storage is migrating from portable hardware to cloud-based services.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It reads fine enough - maybe there's potential to make it stronger - but seriously, at thnis stage, worry first about getting a first draft completed than fretting about getting the first chapter perfect IMO.

 

[Hex]

I really struggle with this, springs, because it is in your voice and most things I've read by you have been in third. So, for me, this reads like first person present written like third person past (though very subtly, because you're such a strong writer) BUT that might be down to my expectations of what you write and not to what you've written.

But look -- for me you're too distanced for first present (disclaimer: I know nothing -- take with buckets of salt etc)

The cake is massive. It has to be: thirty of us live in Mount Pleasant, and a load of others who left over the last year or so have come in for my party. [is that how you'd think about your friends or whoever coming in for your party? It reads distant to me, not right there like I'd sort of expect first present to sound.] Really, they’ve come in for the free food. [<-- but that really works]

Matron sets the cake down and bangs the table with a spoon. “Right! One – two – three – Happy birthday …”

Everyone joins in. I look at the cake. [she feels weirdly numb here -- she doesn't look at her friends or blush or feel weird to be the centre of attention -- she looks at her cake and thinks... what? Just what it looks like? Like all the other cakes she's seen. And how does that make her feel?] It’s the same as every 18th birthday cake at the orphanage: a big square with candles round the outside, and my name iced in pink for a girl. They stop singing and I lean forward, ready to blow out the candles. [again, that last sentence feels slightly outside the character -- there is no reason in the world why it has to be, it just feels that way to me. It could equally read:
"They stopped singing and she leaned forward, ready to blow out the candles."
I wonder what would happen if you made it more about how it feels inside her?
"The singing stops and I lean towards the candles, drawing in a huge breath. Eighteen's a lot, and the cake's so massive I'll have to stand to reach them all. I'm just about to get up when..."
you'd do it much better -- but do you see what I mean? From inside her head?]

“Make a wish!” Dex’s voice cuts through the cheers. He mouths good luck and gives the thumbs up. [does that have an effect on her?]

I lean over and close my eyes. The candles are hot against my cheeks. [<-- and that sentence is perfect] Let her have sent them. I blow out the candles and there’s a round of applause. [but now I feel a bit distant again] Matron hands me the white envelope I’ve been waiting for, the one that’s been held in SpaceCon’s archives since I was born. [I can't convince myself that someone would think like that -- "been held" is so neutral -- it feels like there's a chance here to inject emotion and feeling but you haven't] I tear it open and pull out my datastick. It’s plain white with just my name typed on it: Leda Farrell. Tomorrow, if I want to, [<-- but she *does* want to -- she's in no doubt at all. Surely? She says below that she has to go. So who says this?] I can go SpaceCon’s headquarters and ask them to upload anything they have for me. I’m not looking forward to it. I don’t trust SpaceCon [I think you could show this more effectively -- I'm not sure I'd think "I don't trust SpaceCon", I'd think "SpaceCon are treacherous bastards..." or "If SpaceCon stick to their promises for once, and give me what I'm owed..."] , but I have to go. [then why did she accept the memory stick so neutrally? no shiver of fear (but less cliched)?] They own my mother’s memories, and I want them back.


So, as you know, I love first person present. For me, this isn't taking advantage of its immediacy. I don't feel like I'm in her head -- or possibly, I don't feel like she is. Instead of interacting with the people above her at her birthday party, she's stuck in her head thinking about stuff -- what sort of girl is she? Whose head am I getting into? How does she feel about Dex? About Matron? Does she like all the people or wish they'd go away? and so on...

Hope this is helpful. I like the scene. I think Brian's right, actually -- write the rest perhaps and then when you're happy in her head come back and do this scene?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I
*SpaceCon sounds too much like an actual convention.
*Data stick seems like it could quickly become anachronistic, given how real world/right now data storage is migrating from portable hardware to cloud-based services.

Good points, thankyou, I'll have a think on those.

It reads fine enough - maybe there's potential to make it stronger - but seriously, at thnis stage, worry first about getting a first draft completed than fretting about getting the first chapter perfect IMO.

Normally, I'd absolutely agree, but trying to get the tense sorted is kind of stopping me getting the first draft down, if that makes sense? Because when I write it in third, it is coming out differently, and I need to settle to one or the other. I have two lots of 15000 words, one in third and one in first. Two first drafts would be painful.

I really struggle with this, springs, because it is in your voice and most things I've read by you have been in third. So, for me, this reads like first person present written like third person past (though very subtly, because you're such a strong writer) BUT that might be down to my expectations of what you write and not to what you've written.



Hope this is helpful. I like the scene. I think Brian's right, actually -- write the rest perhaps and then when you're happy in her head come back and do this scene?

No, you have your finger on the button of why my little brain is confused: in third, it's almost too close and she keeps trying to take over, in first, it's not my comfort zone, and I'm still narrating it to an extent.

I think I might revert to third for the draft and keep the mother in first. Although I said that at three o'clock this afternoon and then this happened... grrr.

Thaddeus, many thanks, some things to think about in there. I certainly feel like thumping the desk...

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I think I might revert to third for the draft and keep the mother in first. Although I said that at three o'clock this afternoon and then this happened... grrr.

I don't know if it helps as we all write differently, it is late and I may not be able to explain my madness but this is early in the story and a first draft.

Personally, I find first person characters rewarding, difficult and awkward - they fight far harder and know their mind more clearly but it takes time to get into their heads. Present tense adds to that.

With third person the characters are in my head but with first person I am in their heads and I need to know them better before the writing takes off.

I've written two novels first-person, present tense but right now I am battling through Mayhem's sequel. I have two characters I have never been in the head of before and I'm having to be patient and wait for them to really start speaking to me. It is frustrating and it is also harder because one is a character I have seen from Angus' POV but he is completely different in his own.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Yes, that makes sense, Anya.

If I do write it in third past, which is my usual approach, this is the way the same scene comes out (about 50 words longer):


The kitchen door opened and Leda ducked her head to hide her smile. The cake was massive. They always were: thirty kids lived in Mount Pleasant and the ones who’d moved out in the last year, and were living in the halfway house, had come in for the party. Well, really, they’d come for the free food.

Matron set it down and banged a spoon on the table. “Right! One – two – three – Happy birthday …”

Everyone joined in and Leda put her head down, focusing on the cake. It was the same as every other 18th birthday cake at the orphanage: a big square with candles round the outside, and her name iced on it. The singing stopped and she leaned forward to blow out the candles.

“Make a wish!” Dex’s voice cut through the cheers, and Leda looked at him, pleased. He mouthed good luck and gave the thumbs up; he knew what she wished for.

She leaned over, closing her eyes against the candles’ heat. Let her have sent them. She blew the candles out, opening her eyes to check she’d got them all, and there was a round of applause.

Matron stepped forward and gave her the white envelope, the one with the SpaceCon seal. Leda took it and tore it open, pulling out the datastick. It was plain white, the only marking her name – Leda Farrell. She put it in her pocket, but kept her hand on it. If she wanted, she could go to the SpaceCon headquarters and they’d upload the memories for her. If there were memories. If she could face SpaceCon and its shiny offices, while she and the other Space orphans were buried in ****-holes like Mount Pleasant. She clenched her fist around the stick. She would go, she knew she would, because SpaceCon had her mother’s memories, and she was damned if she wasn’t going to get them back.

 

[Mouse]

See, to me, that's so much better. And it sounds you.

 

[alchemist]

Just to be awkward, the setting doesn't do it for me. Birthday in the orphanage v standing outside ready for a momentous event: the latter wins.

Apart from that, very good. Hex has broken my resolve to hate first person.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

It is more staid and grown up. There is also a greater distance between the narration and the character.

However, you have written it differently. There is less information and more feelings in it. (the icing is no longer pink and she is pleased etc). The small changes are what have improved it not so much the change in tense and POV.