First 250 words of Galaxy of Flowers

[Jo Zebedee]

Many thanks, Tinkerdan, very useful insights. I am the devil's own for rushing things?
Glitch, Anya, many thanks, so that's a name change!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Sorry, double post but... If you read this or the other version as a prologue, would you be disappointed if the story told was then the mother's and leda wasn't really in it again til the very end would I have sold you a pup?

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Not if it was in the third person and obvious it was a grown-up book. I'd feel a bit sold up the river if it had a YA feel prologue and then developed into something else entirely. Starting is always so hard isn't it?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Gah, you got it, it's a nightmare. I hate starts.

Just to say, I have a thread started in GWD about it, as I thought, maybe, it was a wider discussion than just this crit, especially considering how cross over stuff is selling at the moment. And thanks, Anya, for posting because I didn't want a triple posting, and the pointy stick being wielded.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Gah, you got it, it's a nightmare. I hate starts.

Just to say, I have a thread started in GWD about it, as I thought, maybe, it was a wider discussion than just this crit, especially considering how cross over stuff is selling at the moment. And thanks, Anya, for posting because I didn't want a triple posting, and the pointy stick being wielded.

oh And I like Mount Pleasant as the orphanage name-but that could be the connection. I'll go and pointy my stick at your thread

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

You mention that you have changed this from first to third and back. Since you've mentioned that, it does look like a text that could be easily adapted to work either way. There ought to be a particular reason for it to be one or the other, and in the present test rather than the past. Perhaps you ought to find a reason
[I once changed a lengthy passage from 1st person to third, and then changed the character. All versions were equally boring.]
So, is this a little prologue thing before chapter 1? Or is the whole story going to be done the same way?
This opening does get your message across more concisely than the other one.

 

[tinkerdan]

If you mean that the real story is from the mothers memory as she sees it then that could work and I would think that this decision about POV and tense could wait until you finish the rest because generally speaking the tone of the rest of the story will help determine what this section will be.

Put it aside and write some of the rest and you'll see how it fits or doesn't and then you will have the right tools to make it work perfectly.

Again just a reader here so I'm talking out my other area :}