Baby aliens - not so cute....

[Bowler1]

Do all the numbers and names work, a simple question that is playing on my mind.

# # #


167/HK2/H4 was now 258C-1/3-H4 and learning more each day; getting stronger and growing bigger all the time. 258C-1/3-H4 now had two others with it, 258C-2/3-H4 and 258C-3/3-H4, these three young Many were constant companions.

Most days the Nurses in the hatchling area would set them simple tasks to complete; tasks that were a little harder all the time. The task this morning had been to pass a small red ball between the three of them. This was to improve their strength and co-ordination; helping the young to grow strong and develop good social skills within a subgroup. Their world was still very small, just the three of them. Together they went between their shared sleeping area and a larger training area. Here there were many other young Many, also in other small training groups. But mostly it was just the three of them in the nest area shared by all the other young. The tunnels and chambers used by the young were low and confined, just large enough for a fully grown adult to get about. Even the lighting was dim to help protect young developing eyes, and all this was very comforting for the little ones as they played and grew.

2/3 had been on the same task for the last few days; a task which had not been going well, for this young Many had not been keeping up with the rest of the sub-group. One of 2/3 legs was not developing correctly and this made 1/3and 3/3 feel anxious; they both knew the Nurses were watching their small group closely, and 2/3 was slowing them down.

1/3 was more and more aware of this scrutiny as the days passed. This increasing level of awareness by one so young did not go un-noticed by the Nurses, who were always in attendance.

The little group was suffering stress as they fell behind their peers; something would have to be done. 1/3 and 3/3 had to be allowed to grow and develop normally. The needs of the Many; for fit and capable members, were what motivated the Nurses in the hatching area. So that night 2/3 was moved. The little one was taken from the group it had known since it had hatched, and it questioned why it was being moved.

‘I’m trying hard and I can try harder; I really can,’ said 2/3, in pleading squeaks and clicks. ‘Please, let me stay, I will do better tomorrow; we will all do better tomorrow.’

‘It is not you 258C-2/3-H4. You have been working hard and you improve all the time; you will do better in a new group,’ said Nurse 245/H4.

‘I don’t want to be in a new group, I want to stay with 1/3 and 3/3.This is my subgroup, please let me stay,’ begged 2/3, as it was carried away by Nurse 245/H4; who did not seem to be listening.

1/3 shivered a little and cuddled up close to 3/3, it’s feelers touching it’s playmate for comfort. Both were silent as they huddled in the rear of their sleeping compartment, stress hormones filling the air around them.

It was not long before Nurse 245/H4 returned and tried to sooth theyoung ones, using low clicks as she stepped forward with her feelers waving slowly.

1/3 cringed and pushed away from the Nurse, huddling even closer to its playmate.

The Nurse stopped, feelers quivering in un-certainty. ‘Little ones bebrave, this is for the best.’

‘I want 2/3 back,’ hissed 1/3, spraying scent into the air.

The Nurse waved her feelers and sniffed, letting low clicks fill the space.

1/3 was in no mood for support and hissed back. 3/3 quickly joined in and this forced the Nurse back out of their compartment. When alone, they huddled together again, mewing softly to each other. Frightened and alone, sleep was slow to take them, but like all young, they soon drifted off into a deep sleep.

Slowly the sounds of a new day woke 1/3 as the sleeping nests nearby started to stir. Its legs were entwined with 3/3’s legs, and it took it only amoment to realise 2/3 was missing. Immediately 1/3 started to scent and this woke 3/3. Trying to comfort each other, feelers touched and they scented for more reassurance.

This was how Nurse 245/H4 found them. It was only by hissing and scolding from Nurse that 1/3 left the sleeping nest and slowly made its way to the training area. There, in the small room they’d all played in before, 1/3 and 3/3 just stood and glared at Nurse, ignoring the small red bell she’d placed in the middle of the floor for them to play with. 1/3 was surprised when Nurse turned and left. With just 3/3 for company, they crouched down together, feelers touching.

Soon Nurse 245/H4 returned with another Nurse and a little one following close behind. 1/3 and 3/3 moved to the far side of the small space and away from the two adults, hissing and spitting a little as they did so.

‘Stop that,’ snapped Nurse245/H4, moving into the room.

1/3 was silent, but watched carefully, waiting to see what would happen next.

‘This is Nurse 167/D4, and she has a little one from D4,’ said Nurse 245/H4, stepping aside to let the other adult enter their space.

‘Little ones; stay calm,’ said Nurse 167/D4, pulling the new little one with it into the room. ‘This is a hatchling from D4, now moving to H4 and your subgroup.’

1/3 felt anger, anger born out of uncertainty and even fear. It could smell the same off of 3/3 as they both touched feelers for reassurance.

‘This is now 258C-2/3-H4,’ said Nurse 167/D4, pushing the little one forward.

‘That is not 2/3,’ snapped 1/3, the first time it had ever questioned an adult.

Nurse 245/H4 moved quickly, and pinched 1/3’s left feeler. ‘Behave.’

The sudden pain shocked 1/3 and it quivered in fear, mewing a little.

Nurse 167/D4 pushed the little one forward, its legs scraping across the floor as it was pushed out into the middle of the room. ‘This is 2/3, you need to be a group, we are Many.’

1/3 just glared, the pain in it feeler still sharp. Nurse 245/H4 flicked the ball toward 1/3, which it had to catch in its forward arms. It held the ball as the adults backed out of the room, until it was just the three of them alone. 1/3 looked at 3/3, and then at the new one that had sunk down unto the floor, even its feelers were tucked in.

‘We should play,’ said 3/3, but 3/3 never moved.

The scent from the new one was strong, loneliness, something that 1/3 had never smelled before. This triggered something deep within 1/3 and it flicked the ball slowly toward the new one and it bobbled across the floor, bouncing off its head. The ball rolled to a slow stop on the far side of the room, as three sets of double eyes stared at each other.

1/3 hesitated, and then went and fetched the ball. Using its lower arms it carried the ball over to the new one and placed it on the floor, close to its head.

The new one flicked the ball with a lower arm that was quickly pulled back into a defensive posture.

1/3 got the ball back and flicked it over to 3/3. The ball was quickly returned, so 1/3 passed it back. The ball rolled back and forth, back and forth and the new one still hugged the floor, just watching.

There was a new smell in the air, curious.

3/3 suddenly flicked the ball toward the new one and 1/3 was surprised when the ball bounced in its direction, 1/3 barely managed to flick the ball back.

In a sudden leap forward the new one grabbed the ball and ran, running around the room with squeaks of challenge. 1/3 jumped forward its lower arms missing the new one as it zipped past, this one was fast. With 3/3 they set off after it, around and around the room. It took more effort than 1/3 was used to, to get the ball back, only to lose it again soon after. And so it went on, with the ball passing from one to the other as they scurried back and forth.

Nurse 245/H4 looked in once, but that was all. There was breakfast to prepare and much to do as it turned away; its work was never done. The little ones were bonding well, the scent of group growing as they played. Discord and strife was never a good thing in the hive, and especially in ones so young.

So Nurse turned away, a slight limp in her walk that went completely un-noticed by 1/3, who was too busy trying to hang on to a little red ball.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

The "names" are fine. You did the right thing by giving them "nicknames" of 1/3, 2/3, and 3/3 -- that allows the reader to follow who is who. Overall this has a nice sense of alien-ness to it.

 

[wulfsbane]

I didn't mind the fraction names, or the number names, really. But if you want readers to remember who 245/H4 is for more than a second, then you should probably use some other means of identification. I could remember who 1/3, 2/3, and 3/3 were, but as soon as I saw a number name, I didn't bother to read it, just filed it as 'Random-sequence-of-letters-and-numbers-guy' in my head. I just relied on pronouns, or a preceding 'Nurse' to figure out who you meant by 258C-2/3-H4.

 

[Boneman]

Sorry Bowler, you lost me in the first paragraph, but I'm useless with numbers...

The needs of the many... where have I hear that before? And the young Many made me wonder if you were punning young men-y.

Once past the opening para, I followed it easily. I'd probably drop Nurse's numbers, and just call her nurse.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think it might be interesting as an experimental short story - though presumably this has been done before which would potentially take the wind from the sails for the idea.

The big problem is that using abstracted names like this dehumanises the characters, and it is the humanity of the characters that draw us in - even if they are alien.

There's also a pointer that I do not think nurses would realistically say "258C-2/3-H4" - they would almost certainly have been given nicknames to make it easier to reference them.

I would personally think that abstractions like used would be fine in very small amounts - dealing with official references - but it won't work in everyday situations.

If we were dealing with soldiers, they would be given names, not identification numbers, when describing their actions. The question worth asking is "why" and then applying it to this piece, because so far it reads as trying to be clever rather than real IMO.

 

[Bowler1]

I’ve been trying to express the hive set up through their names, but I’ve not been keen on the lack of flow using numbers and of course losing readers. In this case I’m losing 75%+ of you with the name use, a little on the high side if these guys are going to be a theme in a larger WIP. Yet I still want to retain the group, as in, they don’t really have an individual mind set, even if there is some individuality. The clear message is to keep it simple, and does confirm the concerns I’ve had, which is very helpful for me.

More ideas welcome of course, but thank you guys for sparing the time.

 

[Ursa major]

167/HK2/H4 was now 258C-1/3-H4 and learning more each day; getting stronger and growing bigger all the time. 258C-1/3-H4 now had two others with it, 258C-2/3-H4 and 258C-3/3-H4, these three young Many were constant companions.

I had no problems with this, but realise that others may do.

You could try running the evolution, in your text, of the names in reverse:

1/3 (258C-1/3-H4 to give its full name) was learning more each day; getting stronger and growing bigger all the time. It now had two with it, 2/3 (258C-2/3-H4) and 3/3 (258C-3/3-H4) and these three young Many were constant companions.

I've left out the name change (from 167/HK2/H4 to 258C-1/3-H4) as this isn't mentioned directly again and, as it is, it adds to the potential plethora of long identifiers. I don't know if this change is important (in which case it could be brought up later) or something underlining that the Many are, perhaps, groups of convenience and so, when the new 2/3 arrives, it's somehow inevitable that 1/3 and 3/3 will come to accept the situation.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I’ve been trying to express the hive set up through their names

You could always simplify their names to be more accessible, perhaps relating to a function and a number. Something like Artisan258 would be easier to read than 258C-1/3-H4. Even by attributing a function in the name, that name provides a purpose, whereas a pure alphanumerical string does not.

Just a suggestion though - I just think there must be a simpler and more accessible way to achieve what you are looking for. However, this is only my personal opinion and SF is not my field!

 

[ctg]

167/HK2/H4 was now called 258C-1/3-H4 and it was learning more each day; getting stronger and growing bigger all the time. 258C-1/3-H4 now had two others with it, 258C-2/3-H4 and 258C-3/3-H4, these three young Many were constant companions.

Most days the Nurses in the Many's hatchling area would set them simple tasks to complete; tasks that were a little harder all the time. The task this morning had been to pass a small red ball between the three of them.

This was to improve their strength and co-ordination; helping the young to grow strong and develop good social skills within a subgroup. Their world was still very small, just the three of them. And together they went between their shared sleeping area and a larger training area.

​

Other than little edits, it's good.

Here there were many other young Many, also in other small training groups. But mostly it was just the three of them in the nest area shared by all the other young. The tunnels and chambers used by the young were low and confined, just large enough for a fully grown adult to get about. Even the lighting was dim to help protect young developing eyes, and all this was very comforting for the little ones as they played and grew.

2/3 had been on the same task for the last few days; a task which had not been going well, for this young Many had not been keeping up with the rest of the sub-group. One of 2/3 legs was not developing correctly and this made 1/3and 3/3 feel anxious; they both knew the Nurses were watching their small group closely, and 2/3 was slowing them down.
​

These two para's are different in pacing. I tried to improve the second para's pacing by breaking the para, but the pacing gains a significant speed boost between these two para's.

1/3 was more and more aware of this scrutiny as the days passed. This increasing level of awareness by one so young did not go un-noticed by the Nurses, who were always in attendance.
​

The headhop still works because of the narrator, but you need to start settling in one PoV.

The little group was suffering stress as they fell behind their peers; something would have to be done. 1/3 and 3/3 had to be allowed to grow and develop normally. The needs of the Many; for fit and capable members, were what motivated the Nurses in the hatching area. So that night 2/3 was moved. The little one was taken from the group it had known since it had hatched, and it questioned why it was being moved.

‘I’m trying hard and I can try harder; I really can,’ said 2/3, in pleading squeaks and clicks. ‘Please, let me stay, I will do better tomorrow; we will all do better tomorrow.’
​

Awww, bless his three toad little legs.

‘It is not you 258C-2/3-H4,' the nurse said as it moved a large mechanic eye like torus closer to the little one. 'You have been working hard and you improve all the time; you will do better in a new group,’ said Nurse 245/H4.
​

‘I don’t want to be in a new group,' 2/3 bleeped as the pincers closed under its arms/wings/stalks/feelers. 'I want to stay with 1/3 and 3/3.This is my subgroup. Please let me stay,’

But the nurse did not seem to be listening.
​

***
​

1/3 shivered a little and cuddled up close to 3/3, it’s feelers touching it’s playmate for comfort. Both were silent as they huddled in the rear of their sleeping compartment, stress hormones filling the air around them.
​

It was not long before Nurse 245/H4 returned and tried to sooth the[add a space]young ones, using low clicks as she stepped forward with her feelers waving slowly.
​

1/3 cringed and pushed away from the Nurse, huddling even closer to its playmate.
​

The Nurse stopped, pincer arms/feelers quivering in un[no dash]certainty. ‘Little ones be[add space]brave, this is for the best.’
​

‘I want 2/3 back,’ hissed 1/3, spraying scent into the air.
​

The Nurse waved her feelers and sniffed, letting low clicks fill the space.
​

1/3 was in no mood for support and hissed back. 3/3 quickly joined in and this forced the Nurse back out of their compartment. When alone, they huddled together again, mewing softly to each other. Frightened and alone, sleep was slow to take them, but like all young, they soon drifted off into a deep sleep.
​

The description doesn't work. In fact, the last para somehow seems to disjoin the reader from PoV and I'd suggest that you try to rewrite solely from 1/3's PoV.

Slowly the sounds of a new day woke 1/3 as the sleeping nests nearby started to stir. Its legs were entwined with 3/3’s legs, and it took it only amoment to realise 2/3 was missing. Immediately 1/3 started to scent and this woke 3/3. Trying to comfort each other, feelers touched and they scented for more reassurance.

This was how Nurse 245/H4 found them. It was only by hissing and scolding from Nurse that 1/3 left the sleeping nest and slowly made its way to the training area. There, in the small room they’d all played in before, 1/3 and 3/3 just stood and glared at Nurse, ignoring the small red bell she’d placed in the middle of the floor for them to play with. 1/3 was surprised when Nurse turned and left. With just 3/3 for company, they crouched down together, feelers touching.
​

You switch between 1/3's and the Nurses PoV and I'm not sure if it's working.

Soon Nurse 245/H4 returned with another Nurse and a little one following close behind. 1/3 and 3/3 moved to the far side of the small space and away from the two adults, hissing and spitting a little as they did so.
​

‘Stop that,’ snapped Nurse245/H4, moving into the room.

1/3 was silent, but watched carefully, waiting to see what would happen next.

‘This is Nurse 167/D4, and she has a little one from D4,’ said Nurse 245/H4, stepping aside to let the other adult enter their space.

‘Little ones; stay calm,’ said Nurse 167/D4, pulling the new little one with it into the room. ‘This is a hatchling from D4, now moving to H4 and your subgroup.’

1/3 felt anger, anger born out of uncertainty and even fear. It could smell the same off of 3/3 as they both touched feelers for reassurance.

‘This is now 258C-2/3-H4,’ said Nurse 167/D4, pushing the little one forward.

‘That is not 2/3,’ snapped 1/3, the first time it had ever questioned an adult.

Nurse 245/H4 moved quickly, and pinched 1/3’s left feeler. ‘Behave.’

The sudden pain shocked 1/3 and it quivered in fear, mewing a little.

Nurse 167/D4 pushed the little one forward, its legs scraping across the floor as it was pushed out into the middle of the room. ‘This is 2/3, you need to be a group, we are Many.’

1/3 just glared, the pain in it feeler still sharp. Nurse 245/H4 flicked the ball toward 1/3, which it had to catch in its forward arms. It held the ball as the adults backed out of the room, until it was just the three of them alone. 1/3 looked at 3/3, and then at the new one that had sunk down unto the floor, even its feelers were tucked in.

‘We should play,’ said 3/3, but 3/3 never moved.

The scent from the new one was strong, loneliness, something that 1/3 had never smelled before. This triggered something deep within 1/3 and it flicked the ball slowly toward the new one and it bobbled across the floor, bouncing off its head. The ball rolled to a slow stop on the far side of the room, as three sets of double eyes stared at each other.

1/3 hesitated, and then went and fetched the ball. Using its lower arms it carried the ball over to the new one and placed it on the floor, close to its head.

The new one flicked the ball with a lower arm that was quickly pulled back into a defensive posture.

1/3 got the ball back and flicked it over to 3/3. The ball was quickly returned, so 1/3 passed it back. The ball rolled back and forth, back and forth and the new one still hugged the floor, just watching.

There was a new smell in the air, curious.

3/3 suddenly flicked the ball toward the new one and 1/3 was surprised when the ball bounced in its direction, 1/3 barely managed to flick the ball back.

In a sudden leap forward the new one grabbed the ball and ran, running around the room with squeaks of challenge. 1/3 jumped forward its lower arms missing the new one as it zipped past, this one was fast. With 3/3 they set off after it, around and around the room. It took more effort than 1/3 was used to, to get the ball back, only to lose it again soon after. And so it went on, with the ball passing from one to the other as they scurried back and forth.

Nurse 245/H4 looked in once, but that was all. There was breakfast to prepare and much to do as it turned away; its work was never done. The little ones were bonding well, the scent of group growing as they played. Discord and strife was never a good thing in the hive, and especially in ones so young.

So Nurse turned away, a slight limp in her walk that went completely un-noticed by 1/3, who was too busy trying to hang on to a little red ball.
​

The last bit has been written from two PoV's and I'm sure it's working in one level, but I'm also sure that it would be more interesting from a singular PoV, mainly 1/3.

The nurse could be more soft or mechanical like being that has no external feelings other than a programmed ones towards the hatchings.

I know that it sounds harsh, but I'm looking with a great interest on how you develop this story, as nailing it down gives you something very unique to your bibliography.

And I'm also sorry I could reply earlier. Our companion, Tiggy, was put to sleep yesterday. She had a feline AIDS.

I carried her in a little basket to vet yesterday. She was the quietest cat in whole world even though usually she was vocally protesting to see the man in blue coat.

The vet made to wait for two hours.

Two long hours as all the later comers passed through the queu and I was the last one who they called in. She didn't meow but tried to purr as I raised her on table and pulled back the zipper.

She popped up her head very frailly.

I picked her up and she felt so light. She was so anaemic and wobbly on her feet... But bless her cotton little socks, she didn't really know what was going on. She was so sleepy.

The vet did his check and then said, "We need to take her in."

So I left her.

Didn't say Good-bye, as I was thinking that even though they had to transfer to Victoria's Blue Cross I could go to see her today. And then the vet called twenty past five to say that she didn't had enough of red blood cells and she was struggling to breath, as her enlarged heart was pumping rabidly.

So we had really no choice.

I hope you understand that if I sounded harsh, it wasn't me really. Just the robot editor in my head.

 

[Bowler1]

I don't know if this change is important (in which case it could be brought up later) or something underlining that the Many are, perhaps, groups of convenience and so, when the new 2/3 arrives, it's somehow inevitable that 1/3 and 3/3 will come to accept the situation.

Very good insight, yes it will be groups of convenience and the Many I'm following moves on to adult working groups later. This brings me to larger groups, in excess of three, and like the Romans I've found my counting is getting complicated (granted, not seen here in this section). However the brackets idea does keep my numbering in place and seperate from the writing so I can get on with the WIP and leave a final decision till later. Zapping everything in brackets being quite easy at a later point. So a nice way of kicking my problem into the long grass for now - not just a furry face, eh!

And I-Brian, thank you again - function does help my little worker bees.
I've just seen CTG, I'll brew some strong coffee first - I'll be back - sorry, I've always wanted to say that!

 

[Bowler1]

Oh... poor Tiggy. Losing a pet is never nice, and having to wait around in the vets can't have been any fun. Thank you for making the time, mate. I'm glad I have a comforting cup of coffee now.

Yes, I've been pushing the Nurse POV a lot. I wouldn't say it's a head hop but it's certainly me the narrator pushing out of 1/3's POV to get a wide screen shot of the scene - a fair cop and I'll review.

I've not fully made up my mind how mechanical or organic I want these Many to be. Their not proving easy to pin down, sort of the point for them, but not for me when trying to write them. I'm hoping they'll be something unusual when written, but as you can all see, it's turing out to be a challange for me that's not quite there yet.

For me, CTG - your comments are always welcome, harsh or otherwise. I've learned a lot from your comments, and that to everyone else today and past as well.

 

[ctg]

No matter how alien they are the reader is always going to be a human. Or Ai ... in extremely rare cases.

 

[wulfsbane]

If you're interested in how I pictured the Many, I thought of them as sort of insect-like critters with long antennae. I don't know if that actually matches what description was given, but that's how they were in my head. I like the idea of them using scent to communicate. Seems very alien.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Most days the Nurses in the hatchling area would set them simple tasks to complete; tasks that were a little harder all the time. The task this morning had been to pass a small red ball between the three of them. This was to improve their strength and co-ordination; helping the young to grow strong and develop good social skills within a subgroup. Their world was still very small, just the three of them. Together they went between their shared sleeping area and a larger training area. Here there were many other young Many, also in other small training groups. But mostly it was just the three of them in the nest area shared by all the other youngdon't understand this -- how can there be just three of them when the area is shared by all the others?. The tunnels and chambers used by the young were low and confined, just large enough for a fully grown adult to get about. Even the lighting was dim to help protect young could drop this young developing eyes, and all this was very comforting for the little ones as they played and grewIt's all a little bit tell-y for me..

2/3 had been on the same task for the last few days; a task which had not been going well, for this young Many had not been keeping up with the rest of the sub-group. One of 2/3 legs was not developing correctly and this made 1/3and 3/3 feel anxious; they both knew the Nurses were watching their small group closely, and 2/3 was slowing them down.

1/3 was more and more aware of this scrutiny as the days passed. This increasing level of awareness by one so young did not go un-noticed by the Nurses, who were always in attendance.I think we've already been told some of this.

The little group was suffering stress as they fell behind their peers;and again, this is implied above something would have to be done. 1/3 and 3/3 had to be allowed to grow and develop normally. The needs of the Many; for fit and capable members, were what motivated the Nurses in the hatching area. So that night 2/3 was moved. The little one was taken from the group it had known since it had hatched, and it questioned why it was being moved.And again, still very tell-y, i think.

‘I’m trying hard and I can try harder; I really can,’ said 2/3, in pleading squeaks and clicks. ‘Please, let me stay, I will do better tomorrow; we will all do better tomorrow.’

‘It is not you 258C-2/3-H4. You have been working hard and you improve all the time; you will do better in a new group,’ said Nurse 245/H4.

‘I don’t want to be in a new group, I want to stay with 1/3 and 3/3.spaceThis is my subgroup, please let me stay,’ begged 2/3, as it was carried away by Nurse 245/H4; comma just who did not seem to be listening.

1/3 shivered a little and cuddled up close to 3/3, it’sits feelers touching it’s its playmate for comfort. Both were silent as they huddled in the rear of their sleeping compartment, stress hormones filling the air around them.

It was not long before Nurse 245/H4 returned and tried to sooth thespace young ones, using low clicks as she stepped forward with her feelers waving slowly.

1/3 cringed and pushed away from the Nurse, huddling even closer to its playmate.

The Nurse stopped, feelers quivering in un-certainty. ‘Little ones bebrave, this is for the best.’

‘I want 2/3 back,’ hissed 1/3, spraying scent into the air.

The Nurse waved her feelers and sniffed, letting low clicks fill the space.

1/3 was in no mood for support and hissed back. 3/3 quickly joined in and this forced the Nurse back out of their compartment.so now it's a compartment, I need more sense of place, I think. When alone, they huddled together again, mewing softly to each other. Frightened and alone, sleep was slow to take them, but like all young, they soon drifted off into a deep sleepthink you could drop the last four words.

.[/QUOTE]

Sorry, have to stop there, the school run beckons. For me, it's too distant and telling, any emotions are being told to me, I'm not there with them. I have no problem with a shifting pov and that might be your answer here, but I don't feel pulled into the scene, which is a nicely imagined one, and so got a bit switched off. I like the concept of the Many, had no problem following the 1/3 etc. but I'd like to get closer.

 

[Bowler1]

If you're interested in how I pictured the Many, I thought of them as sort of insect-like critters with long antennae. I don't know if that actually matches what description was given, but that's how they were in my head. I like the idea of them using scent to communicate. Seems very alien.

I always like to hear about the images people end up with. My images never match the readers, and I've had a few aliens. I've discovered it's best to just pick a few features and leave the rest to the reader, they usually do a better job than me, as above.

Will digest, Springs, thank you. You start early, or you have a very organised morning.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

I found the first two paragraphs, which by popular wisdom ought to be the hook, fairly indigestible, and this caused me to skip the rest of it till a day or two later. The first paragraph has those codenames in it, and the second paragraph has long sentences and little or no discernible character action. After that, though, it is OK and easy to follow.

 

[ctg]

I always like to hear about the images people end up with. My images never match the readers, and I've had a few aliens. I've discovered it's best to just pick a few features and leave the rest to the reader, they usually do a better job than me, as above.

Mate this is the same thing as what I said in the romance thread, the readers and people, who you talk about your stuff, will get different things to you. But it doesn't mean that you cannot adapt some of their ideas into your prose if you feel so.

 

[Bowler1]

I'm only too happy to rob a good idea if I see one, no worries there.

Thank you, Geoff. I'm brewing over the names the last few days, I've not reached any decisions yet but the complicated numbers will have to be replaced. Having people glaze over is not the affect I was looking for! Thank you for taking the time and getting back to me.

 

[Glitch]

Glad to see you getting back to this piece

For me, the numbers detract from the story.

 

[Glisterspeck]

The numbers made it hard for me to follow, too. I think it could work though, if you didn't have to have the numbers be too related. The numbers chosen don't really break up into syllables when pronounced, so the don't really become names in the way R2D2 or C3PO do. Or wall-e even. That's prolly how I'd go, mix numbers in letters into hyphenated syllables to allow the IDs to be read more like works. Make them fun to say.

You haven't asked for comments outside of that, but I'm gonna throw in my two cents anyway and say that I found the writing relied far too much on passive sentence structures. I'm not completely against was/were etc., but you should do a find all just to see how often you are using passive structures, and in so doing, weakening the illusion of action.