Baby aliens - not so cute....

[Glisterspeck]

You haven't asked for comments outside of that, but I'm gonna throw in my two cents anyway and say that I found the writing relied far too much on passive sentence structures. I'm not completely against was/were etc., but you should do a find all just to see how often you are using passive structures, and in so doing, weakening the illusion of action.

I started second guessing myself here, so when I got home, I ran the excerpt through Word to check the active/passive ratio, and it came back as 10% passive, which, for me anyway, confirms my first read.

 

[hopewrites]

I quite enjoyed the dehumanizing factor of the name. I would carry on reading with the names as is. It feels to me that there is a purpose to them without it being overtly "clever" and scream its purpose. I like that it makes one think. I like that the way it asks one to think feels natural and not forced.

 

[Bowler1]

Glisterspeck I'll review the passive nature of the section, as I want it to feel immediate and active - an interesting comment.

The dehumanising feel is key, just in a more human way. There is a clear minority like me that can roll with the numbers, but a large majority can't. I don't plan on loosing the feel Hopeswrites, and I-Brian's idea is growing on me, but I've still not fully decided what to do. I'm glad I posted here, it's given me a lot to think about.

 

[hopewrites]

I just want to slip in that I cringed at the thought of the nanny's giving the kids nicknames. It made it too sympathetic for the feel of where I thought the piece was going. As it is I felt it was headed toward a subtle comentary on the impersonal way that children can be shunted through the education systems. How that creates the kind of person that just follows orders and doesnt question what happens in their life.

Natrually such a person would be unsympothetic to someone who does question how their life is going and why and where. (Such questioners generally tend to be readers as well, so there should be some disconnect in your characters IMO)

Nicknames would give the impression that these nannies know their charges as individuals, their hopes their dreams their fears... rather than seeing them as the task they were given to complete. "teach the child its letters. teach the child its numbers. pass fail. pass fail." I think you would do better to simplify the number system and leave off the nicknames.

too personal.

 

[Bowler1]

I just want to slip in that I cringed at the thought of the nanny's giving the kids nicknames. It made it too sympathetic for the feel of where I thought the piece was going.

I agree you'll be glad to hear. How I balance this with getting a reader connection remains undecided, but it has to feel impersonal, it's a hive mind set where individuals are not central. It's going to be a challange for me, one I'm still brewing on.

 

[hopewrites]

Perhaps shorter versions. "Here is N57-1/3-B924 and N57-3/3-B924. 1/3, 3/3 come here and met N57-2/3-B924." Which if they had longer earth based names might sound like "here are your new playmates Richard and Theodore. Dick, Teddy come here and met Jack. He'll be in your group from now on so be sure to show him around and play nice." Earth nannies being more verbose and in the habbit of smoothing things over.

 

[Bowler1]

I'm waiting for a flash of inspiration, a moment of creativity, with no luck so far. But I think your the first member of my alien name focus group. I'll PM you when the brain cells spark up, just don't hold your breath waiting on me!

 

[ratsy]

It was a little hard to focus for me, with so many numbers on the page. I know that may sound odd but it was distracting. Also a side note, Paragraph 2 had the word "young" in it 5 times. Seemed a little too repetitive.

It is an interesting idea....Lets start calling them 0.333333333333_ and 0.666666666_ and then just plain old "1"...huh huh??

 

[Bowler1]

That's a bad repeat, 5 times, oh dear - will zap.
I'm still brewing on names, but don't take this the wrong way, Ratsy if I say, I may not use yours!

 

[ratsy]

That's a bad repeat, 5 times, oh dear - will zap.
I'm still brewing on names, but don't take this the wrong way, Ratsy if I say, I may not use yours!

lol, neither would I!!

 

[TacticalLoco]

I quite liked it and definitely felt drawn into the alien world, which was fascinating and frightening all at the same time.
I get that your are writing from an omniscient POV. Can you maintain it with out confusion or distraction is the question.
I'd like to read more of this, I think(?).

 

[Bowler1]

For the Many I'm finding I have to use the omniscient POV with them for now, there's a lot to explain so the distant author voice helps. But it's not easy, I'm usually close 3rd, so confusion and distraction is a problem for the writer, never mind the reader! If I can get it to work TacticalLoco it will be interesting, but it's a big if. Thank you for the comments.

 

[Handsome John]

I really like the concept and the setting, Bowler. As with the others, I think that maybe a shortening of the names somehow would make the beginning a lot easier to fall into.

A couple of questions/comments/thoughts:

1) If the integration of a new 2/3 was expected from the Nurses then it doesn't seem as if this introduction has anything unusual to base the story on. Am I missing something?

2) Unless, 2/3 turns out to be special somewhow or the old 2/3, now taken away to...where?..., plots revenge against the evil nurses and overthrows the system?

Mainly just giving my thoughts on what would come next as surely there's something special about these "individuals" that a longer story would come from?

Anyways, quite enjoyed the unique idea and would be interested in reading more if you have stuff to post.

 

[Bowler1]

1/3 grows and works with a human current onboard a spaceship traveling. What I'm trying to show here is the importance of the subgroup, 2/3 I guess becomes a nurse, it's 1/3 I plan on following. This John is an early introduction of the Many, it's a long story that should keep me busy for some time. Lots more odd stuff planned, but not yet written sadly.

I'm chuffed that people liked the idea, thank you for your comments, it will help keep me focused.

 

[JoanDrake]

Your aliens don't necessarily have to be insectoid. Excepting for the part about antennae and 4 arms this could just as easily have been about how a human hive would be educated. Say what you will about individuality, the hive sort of social arrangement is very efficient at making a species live long and prosper. Look what it's done for bees and, especially, ants, who, in terms of biomass, are the most successful species on Earth, including humans

 

[Bowler1]

Indeed, Joan. Imagine a species with intelligence set up the same way, but not too bright, just bright enough. They'll reach a certain point and no more - but, while not all that advanced, they may spread, just like ants.

 

[lowerheaven]

That was awesome! I felt an emotional connection with the group of young ones. And it was unexpected. Alien or not you nailed the feelings associatied with being separated or new or different. And it was just discriptive enough to let my imagination fill in the blanks. Bravo!

 

[Bowler1]

Thank you so much and welcome to Chrons, Lowerheaven. Your just in time for 75 and 300 word competitions, great for honing writing skills and germs of ideas, have a look and see what you think.

 

[Grinnel]

I too simply categorized the names as "some sequence of numbers that I won't remember later" ( I also do that with unusual faerie names in a story). The first time you mentioned 1/3, 2/3 and 3/3 I took them as measurements and not some of the many, but it didn't take me long to catch on. One of Three would make more sense, but Star Trek ruined that for you...

I see the undertones of a struggle for 1/3 to be an individual in a hive society, so giving him (or any of them) a nickname at this point would be counterproductive. I agree with you using the full designation each time any individual speaks-the hive would understand no other way. I assume that only 1/3 thinks of himself as 1/3, and even in their thoughts everyone else would automatically think of him in his full designation and as one of the many.

This story will be tricky to write, the way I see it developing. Everyone except 1/3 (and it's followers, if any) would always use full designations. Short forms of names would be an incredible shock to the hive.

Perhaps the guardian units would even bring out their ray guns...

 

[Bowler1]

Me... write science fiction with RAY GUNS in - I don't know where you got that idea from, mate!