Synopsis/Query for Dynasty WIP?

[Cli-Fi]

So I think I got this down. Now that I am almost finished with the novel, I figured I'd start working on this pitch thingy again. It's a complex story, so not sure how much more I can trim if that's needed.... Third paragraph maybe sloppy? Missing anything?

Dear Agent,

I am writing to you in hopes that you would consider my novel for representation.

When the past-murder of Abraham Striker becomes the front page news of the future, the flying pigs who helped us discover time travel suddenly vanish. Leaving Earth with little options, outspoken time travel critic and heiress to the fortune of its pioneer Juliet Carpenter, begins the daunting task of self-regulating the technology. Finding paranoid politicians smitten with her or her plan was easy. Working with the mysterious leaders of the Temporal Consortium, was not.

As negotiations break down and she avoids the watchful eyes of the Department of Mistakes and Timeline Corrector Dorian Black who seems to be watching her every move. It seems her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric Billionaire Henry Wilson.

Known for his schemes and creating illegal paradoxes Juliet soon finds herself drawn to his power and they begin to work together to reshape the time travel industry without the wise guidance of the Flying Pigs, regardless of the warnings of Dorian Black and her colleagues. Only when she learns what Henry did to her father, the famous David Carpenter and how they treated the pigs, is she able to realize the danger of what they are doing, but it may be too late. To escape, it means breaking a paradox that is a conspiracy nearly one thousand years in the making and one that could unravel time itself.

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000-word (EST) Science Fiction novel that has trilogy potential.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I'm afraid I'm stumbling over this - what agents want to see is a clear protagonist, clear antagonist, and a clear conflict.

For example, in the first paragraph you introduction of Juliet is really cluttered - IMO you are trying to cram in background details and explanations rather than present your core story conflict.

Also, quic tip - at end, you mention "series potential". That's the standard format.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

So I think I got this down. Now that I am almost finished with the novel, I figured I'd start working on this pitch thingy again. It's a complex story, so not sure how much more I can trim if that's needed.... Third paragraph maybe sloppy? Missing anything?

Dear Agent,

I am writing to you in hopes that you would consider my novel for representation. Get rid of this - they know why you are contacting them : name of book, word count, genre

When the past-murder of Abraham Striker becomes the front page news of the future,in the future? When? the flying pigs who helped us discover time travel suddenly vanish. Incredibly confusing opening line - i suspect most agents will stop here Leaving Earth with little options, outspoken time travel critic and heiress to the fortune of its pioneer Juliet Carpenter, i'd suggest starting with it. When Juliet Carpenter is called in to... Or something. We like to know who to root for. begins the daunting task of self-regulating the technology. Finding paranoid politicians smitten with her or her plan was easy. Working with the mysterious leaders of the Temporal Consortium, was not. I quite like those two lines.
So, I'd condense this to something like

When Time-travel pioneer Juliet Carpenter is placed in charge of its regulation she didn't expect finding paranoid politicians smitten with her to be easy. Working with the mysterious leaders of the Temporal Consortiun proves less so.

As negotiations break down and she avoids the watchful eyes of the Department of Mistakes and Timeline Corrector Dorian Black who seems to be watching her every move. It seems her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric Billionaire Henry Wilson.ok

Known for his schemes and creating illegal paradoxesdrop - it's padding Juliet soon finds herself drawn to his power and they begin to work together to reshape the time travel industry without the wise guidance of the Flying Pigs,lose - we don't know enough about them and they become a distraction regardless of the warnings of Dorian Black and her colleagues. Lose - focus only on Juliet and Henry, keep it simple. Only when she learns what Henry did to her father,this kind of assumes we know what happened. Hint? But when Henry is implicated in her father's death, she realises how high the stakes have become. the famous David Carpenter and how they treated the pigs, is she able to realize the danger of what they are doing, but it may be too late. To escape, it means breaking a paradox that is a conspiracy nearly one thousand years in the making and one that could unravel time itself.i feel this would be stronger as to escape means breaking a paradox nearly one hundred years old: to stay risks her very soul. Or sommat.

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000-word (EST) Science Fiction novel that has trilogy potential.

 

[VinceK]

what agents want to see is a clear protagonist, clear antagonist, and a clear conflict.

I'd like to start a new (off-topic) thread relating to Brian's comment. Could someone please tell me how to start a new thread and reference this post. Thanks.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I'd like to start a new (off-topic) thread relating to Brian's comment. Could someone please tell me how to start a new thread and reference this post. Thanks.

Here's the publishing section: Publishing

On the top right there should be a silver/grey button for "Post New Thread".

 

[Cli-Fi]

Thank you for your suggestions @Jo Zebedee. I was wondering whether to include the flying pigs or not as part of my query. They are a big part of the mythology of this world, but they aren't really necessarily a main character. They really are akin to someone like Cesar from Planet of the Apes, or even Bilbo from Lord of the Rings. They start things off but the book isn't about them per se. That's not to say a prequel couldn't be made starring them

 

[Cli-Fi]

I'm afraid I'm stumbling over this - what agents want to see is a clear protagonist, clear antagonist, and a clear conflict.

For example, in the first paragraph you introduction of Juliet is really cluttered - IMO you are trying to cram in background details and explanations rather than present your core story conflict.

Also, quic tip - at end, you mention "series potential". That's the standard format.

Thanks @Brian Turner didn't know that about series potential. I thought series would be categorized as more than three books, but I don't really have the time to think of more than three haha. Maybe I will if I finish this series. Juliet and Henry's story namely is currently outlined to be three. I'm going to take @Jo Zebedee's suggestions and try to use her model to condense it. Do you think Flying Pigs mytho should be included in the query? It may be making things longer than they should be trying to explain their backstory as well.

 

[VinceK]

I was wondering whether to include the flying pigs or not as part of my query.

I thought the concept of the flying pigs added an interesting twist. However, I'm not an agent. Maybe if there's one on the Chrons they might be able to advise you?

 

[Cli-Fi]

I thought the concept of the flying pigs added an interesting twist. However, I'm not an agent. Maybe if there's one on the Chrons they might be able to advise you?

Yes it is interesting and they are a large part of the mythos, they are introduced within the first few pages of the novel and the backstory is explained throughout the book about the relationship between multi-verse creatures and Earth, but it may draw away from the main relationship and the dynasty that is built up around and after their disappearance. If they are mentioned in the query. I'm not sure, that is what agents are looking for.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

For me, the pigs are a distraction. Is is comedy? Or is it a genuine tech they offer? Unless we are clear on the tone of the book and how they tie in they pull me out - and you absolutely don't want the agent pulled out.

 

[Cli-Fi]

For me, the pigs are a distraction. Is is comedy? Or is it a genuine tech they offer? Unless we are clear on the tone of the book and how they tie in they pull me out - and you absolutely don't want the agent pulled out.

This is not a comedy by any means! They are watchful eyes of the multi-verse and they are basically the watchers of the people who time travel. A little bit like angels, but they are more realistic to the people of Earth. As for the first chapter of the story they are here on the planet. The backstory is sort of like a first contact gone really bad. Like Star Trek's warp drive, once we got the formula down, they came to us though and offered to help.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

This is not a comedy by any means! They are watchful eyes of the multi-verse and they are basically the watchers of the people who time travel. A little bit like angels, but they are more realistic to the people of Earth. As for the first chapter of the story they are here on the planet. The backstory is sort of like a first contact gone really bad. Like Star Trek's warp drive, once we got the formula down, they came to us though and offered to help.

Then, for sure, leave it out!

 

[Stuart Suffel]

So I think I got this down. Now that I am almost finished with the novel, I figured I'd start working on this pitch thingy again. It's a complex story, so not sure how much more I can trim if that's needed.... Third paragraph maybe sloppy? Missing anything?

Dear Agent,

I am writing to you in hopes that you would consider my novel for representation.

When the past-murder of Abraham Striker becomes the front page news of the future, the flying pigs who helped us discover time travel suddenly vanish. Leaving Earth with little options, outspoken time travel critic and heiress to the fortune of its pioneer Juliet Carpenter, begins the daunting task of self-regulating the technology. Finding paranoid politicians smitten with her or her plan was easy. Working with the mysterious leaders of the Temporal Consortium, was not.

As negotiations break down and she avoids the watchful eyes of the Department of Mistakes and Timeline Corrector Dorian Black who seems to be watching her every move. It seems her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric Billionaire Henry Wilson.

Known for his schemes and creating illegal paradoxes Juliet soon finds herself drawn to his power and they begin to work together to reshape the time travel industry without the wise guidance of the Flying Pigs, regardless of the warnings of Dorian Black and her colleagues. Only when she learns what Henry did to her father, the famous David Carpenter and how they treated the pigs, is she able to realize the danger of what they are doing, but it may be too late. To escape, it means breaking a paradox that is a conspiracy nearly one thousand years in the making and one that could unravel time itself.

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000-word (EST) Science Fiction novel that has trilogy potential.

The most important thing of a query is the emotional stakes.


Who is the MC?

What's at stake?

What's the obstacle?

What's the twist?


The second most important thing, is...well your style of writing.

For me, this is an almost instant reject. Waaaay to many words. Which makes me think the 100k should have been 25k.


Anyway, below is a revised version, to give you an idea.


I am writing to you in hopes that you would consider my novel for representation.

When the past-murder of Abraham Striker becomes the front page news of the future Juliet Carpenter begins the daunting task of self-regulating the technology. Finding paranoid politicians smitten with her or her plan was easy. Working with the mysterious leaders of the Temporal Consortium, was not.

Her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric, but morally dubious billionaire, Henry Wilson

Juliet soon finds herself drawn to his power and they begin to work together to reshape the time travel industry.

When she learns what Henry did to her father, she is plagued by doubt, but it may be too late. To escape, it means breaking a paradox one thousand years in the making that could unravel time itself.

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000-word (EST) Science Fiction novel that has trilogy potential.[/QUOTE]
The most important thing of a query is the emotional stakes.

 

[Cli-Fi]

So I have updated the query a little bit based on the suggestions here and I cut even more stuff out and tried to make it less wordy.

Dear Agent,

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000-word Science Fiction novel that has series potential.

When outspoken time travel critic Juliet Carpenter is finally placed in charge of its regulation, she was shocked to find paranoid leaders of the Temporal Consortium pretend to be smitten with her just to advance their own agendas.

With her idealism crushed, Juliet soon finds herself under the spell of the eccentric, but amoral billionaire, Commissioner Henry Wilson, and together they work to bring humanity into a new golden age.

It’s only when Timeline Corrector Dorian Black threatens to expose the way they hacked the future, does she realize the extent of Henry’s role in the assassination of her father, and so the myths of the ancient origins of time travel are confirmed, but that mystery was only the beginning….

 

[Cli-Fi]

The most important thing of a query is the emotional stakes.


Who is the MC?

What's at stake?

What's the obstacle?

What's the twist?


The second most important thing, is...well your style of writing.

For me, this is an almost instant reject. Waaaay to many words. Which makes me think the 100k should have been 25k.


Anyway, below is a revised version, to give you an idea.


I am writing to you in hopes that you would consider my novel for representation.

When the past-murder of Abraham Striker becomes the front page news of the future Juliet Carpenter begins the daunting task of self-regulating the technology. Finding paranoid politicians smitten with her or her plan was easy. Working with the mysterious leaders of the Temporal Consortium, was not.

Her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric, but morally dubious billionaire, Henry Wilson

Juliet soon finds herself drawn to his power and they begin to work together to reshape the time travel industry.

When she learns what Henry did to her father, she is plagued by doubt, but it may be too late. To escape, it means breaking a paradox one thousand years in the making that could unravel time itself.

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000-word (EST) Science Fiction novel that has trilogy potential.
The most important thing of a query is the emotional stakes.

Thank you for your suggestions. I rewrote it and took some of your suggestions. Comparing your suggestions and my edits. I have cut out 20 or so more words from your own! The new query is above this post

 

[Stuart Suffel]

Imagine yourself in a boxing ring.

You got to take out your opponent. Your time is limited

You got 4 punches. That's all four. No time to parry, no time to feign, no time to hit his shoulder, or dazzle him with ducking n weaving.

It's four hits or none.

1. MC name

2. Objective

3. Obstacle

4. Twist

1 & 2. When the past-murder of Abraham Striker becomes the front page news of the future, Juliet Carpenter begins the daunting task of self-regulating the technology, to save it from annihilation and stop it from bringing the entire universe down with it.

3. But negotiations to solve the time anomaly break down with the Temporal Consortium and she now finds herself under the watchful eye of ruthless Timeline Corrector, Dorian Black, who is watching her every move.

4. Her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric, but morally dubious billionaire, Henry Wilson. However, when she learns of Henry's role in the murder of her father, she is plagued by doubt and despair, - yet she must go on.

To save billions of souls, she must escape the Consortium's agent Black's watchful eye, overcome Henry's betrayal, and risk destroying a time paradox one thousand years in the making. A paradox that could unravel time itself/ put the very universe at risk.

XXXX is 100,000 words long etc

rough attempt, dont think the paradox is working as is, but anyway, less fluff, more huff.

 

[Cli-Fi]

magine yourself in a boxing ring.

You got to take out your opponent. You're time is limited

You got 4 punches. That's all four. No time to parry, no time to feign, no time to hit his shoulder, or dazzle him with ducking n weaving.

It's four hits or none.

1. MC name

2. Objective

3. Obstacle

4. Twist

1 & 2. When the past-murder of Abraham Striker becomes the front page news of the future, Juliet Carpenter begins the daunting task of self-regulating the technology, to save it from annihilation and stop it from bringing the entire universe down with it.

3. But negotiations to solve the time anomaly break down with the Temporal Consortium and she now finds herself under the watchful eye of ruthless Timeline Corrector, Dorian Black who is watching her every move.

4. Her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric, but morally dubious billionaire, Henry Wilson. However, when she learns of Henry's role in the murder of her father, she is plagued by doubt and despair, - yet she must go on.

To save billions of souls, she must escape the Consortium's agent Black's watchful eye, overcome Henry's betrayal, and risk destroying a time paradox one thousand years in the making. A paradox that could unravel time itself/ put the very universe at risk.

XXXX is 100,000 words long etc

rough attempt, dont think the paradox is working as is, but anyway, less fluff, more huff.

Did you have a chance to look at the other query I posted on this thread?

 

[Stuart Suffel]

yes. You're still hitting shoulders, parrying, dazzling.

It's four body hits Cli-fi. no more, no less. (imho)

 

[Cli-Fi]

yes. Your still hitting shoulders, parrying, dazzling.

It's four body hits Cli-fi. no more, no less. (imho)

I do see where you went with it. I'll keep trying to get it right.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

So I have updated the query a little bit based on the suggestions here and I cut even more stuff out and tried to make it less wordy.

Dear Agent,

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000-word Science Fiction novel that has series potential.

When outspoken time travel critic Juliet Carpenter is finally placed in charge of its regulation, she was shocked to find paranoid leaders of the Temporal Consortium pretend to be smitten with her just to advance their own agendas.

With her idealism crushed, Juliet soon finds herself under the spell of the eccentric, but amoral billionaire, Commissioner Henry Wilson, and together they work to bring humanity into a new golden age.

It’s only when Timeline Corrector Dorian Black threatens to expose the way they hacked the future, does she realize the extent of Henry’s role in the assassination of her father, and so the myths of the ancient origins of time travel are confirmed, but that mystery was only the beginning….

Parrying, shoulder hitting etc in pink. It's not less words that matter, it's less fluff.

Hit the four main points in the center.

ps, unless Striker is a major player, don't name him. Make him janitor/ lab worker whatever.