Synopsis/Query for Dynasty WIP?

[Cli-Fi]

Parrying, shoulder hitting etc in pink. It's not less words that matter, it's less fluff.

Hit the four main points in the center.

Thanks. I was adding fluff because I thought it was too dry and not eye-popping enough. I had it down to 110 words at one point before adding the fluff.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

Thanks. I was adding fluff because I thought it was too dry and not eye-popping enough. I had it down to 110 words at one point before adding the fluff.

Yeah, at most one adjective for the MC, and very little after that. No exposition, no back story. Keep the boxing analogy in your mind.

Agents get hundreds of queries a week, that's 20-50 a day.

Keep it to the point. The 'fluff' can come (never) later. Less is almost always more, starting off.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Yeah, at most one adjective for the MC, and very little after that. No exposition, no back story. Keep the boxing analogy in your mind.

Agents get hundreds of queries a week, that's 20-50 a day.

Keep it to the point. The 'fluff' can come (never) later. Less is almost always more, starting off.

I am actually shocked I was able to get it down to this much. As I write the novel and as things develop on their own I am happy to see the main plot points getting stronger and it is easier for me to actually describe what this thing is actually about. The mythology is strong in this one and I have managed to just about cut all of it out of the query. At one point my queries were 280-320 words long!

 

[Cli-Fi]

Yeah, at most one adjective for the MC, and very little after that. No exposition, no back story. Keep the boxing analogy in your mind.

Agents get hundreds of queries a week, that's 20-50 a day.

Keep it to the point. The 'fluff' can come (never) later. Less is almost always more, starting off.

I'm not exactly sure if this is what you had in mind, but I can't think of any fluff this may have. If you see any please point it out! Thanks.

Dear Agent,

When the past-murder of a lowly store-keeper becomes the front page news of the future, Time Travel critic Juliet Carpenter begins the daunting task of self-regulating the technology. Once appointed by the mysterious Temporal Consortium she has to find a way to protect the timeline so that the past-murder doesn’t bring the entire universe down with it. Negotiations to solve the time anomaly break down when Juliet is placed under investigation by the Department of Mistakes for undiscovered crimes that she will not commit for hundreds of years.

As the ruthless Timeline Corrector, Dorian Black, watches her every move. Her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric, but amoral billionaire, Commissioner Henry Wilson. It’s only when, years later, Dorian Black threatens to expose the way they hacked the future, does she realize the extent of Henry’s role in the assassination of her father, and the secrets and lies her new empire was built on. So to save the people from her own tyranny, she will try to stop the very paradox she helped create, but in the ill-fated attempt to escape from the clutches of time itself, she learns of her own role in the ancient past that confirms the myths of the origins of time travel itself.

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000 word science fiction novel with series potential.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

I'll come back to this. Hopefully you'll get a few other inputs.

I will say this though. what's the difference between the following two sentences?

Jane's life is in danger.

Jane's life, not as yet fully formed due to a future time anomaly , is now in danger.

A query the paired down nuts n bolts of a story. The story itself is the details, the complexity.

So two things, a paired down no detail query, and a hook. A 'hook' is usually just one sentence in a query. It's what makes your story that bit different, the thing that makes it 'unique', the heart of the story.

what can your story not do without? What separates it from all the other stories?

Find the hook, and reveal it in one sentence. Then follow the 4 point plan as described above. The hook can be in any part of the 4 points.

so, MC, objective/hook, obstacle, twist. or MC/hook, objective, obstacle, twist, etc (twist is a sort of mini-hook, and extra bit.)

 

[Cli-Fi]

I'll come back to this. Hopefully you'll get a few other inputs.

I will say this though. what's the difference between the following two sentences?

Jane's life is in danger.

Jane's life, not as yet fully formed due to a future time anomaly , is now in danger.

A query the paired down nuts n bolts of a story. The story itself is the details, the complexity.

So two things, a paired down no detail query, and a hook. A 'hook' is usually just one sentence in a query. It's what makes your story that bit different, the thing that makes it 'unique', the heart of the story.

what can your story not do without? What separates it from all the other stories?

Find the hook, and reveal it in one sentence. Then follow the 4 point plan as described above. The hook can be in any part of the 4 points.

so, MC, objective/hook, obstacle, twist. or MC/hook, objective, obstacle, twist, etc (twist is a sort of mini-hook, and extra bit.)

Out of what I posted just now, I do not think I can leave much more out of it without it making much sense. To answer your other question, what makes my story different is the way time travel is portrayed and developed in this world to the point where people understand it and use it on a daily basis. It is as commonplace as a cell phone, but I kinda hope that i can write the query without telling that point. Obviously from what I have written and what you know of the story, Time Travel is a big deal and a very important aspect to everybody's way of life here. So that doesn't need to be said. I would hate to have, "in a world where..." in the query that sounds too cliche to me.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

Out of what I posted just now, I do not think I can leave much more out of it without it making much sense. To answer your other question, what makes my story different is the way time travel is portrayed and developed in this world to the point where people understand it and use it on a daily basis. It is as commonplace as a cell phone, but I kinda hope that i can write the query without telling that point. Obviously from what I have written and what you know of the story, Time Travel is a big deal and a very important aspect to everybody's way of life here. So that doesn't need to be said. I would hate to have, "in a world where..." in the query that sounds too cliche to me.

I'm pretty tired at the mo, but i will explain further down the road.

However, this statement is revealing -"but I kinda hope that i can write the query without telling that point."

Let me tell ye, that's EXACTLY what you should be doing. Agents are professionals. They ask themselves, 'will this sell?' and 'what is the USP, the unique selling point, of this project/ novel?'

They need to be hooked, before they invest time reading more. Makes sense, yes?

This isn't a 'can't risk spoilers situation'. Its a 'my work is special', situation. You gotta show why its special.

So, you have your hook. Make it clear. Then strip everything else down to function mode. ie, each sentence must have a clear uncluttered function in a query. The time for detail is in the manuscript.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I'm pretty tired at the mo, but i will explain further down the road.

However, this statement is revealing -"but I kinda hope that i can write the query without telling that point."

Let me tell ye, that's EXACTLY what you should be doing. Agents are professionals. They ask themselves, 'will this sell?' and 'what is the USP, the unique selling point, of this project/ novel?'

They need to be hooked, before they invest time reading more. Makes sense, yes?

This isn't a 'can't risk spoilers situation'. Its a 'my work is special', situation. You gotta show why its special.

So, you have your hook. Make it clear. Then strip everything else down to function mode. ie, each sentence must have a clear uncluttered function in a query. The time for detail is in the manuscript.

Well that would be adding another point to the four points that you already highlighted for me the other day. What I basically did for this write-up was just add two sentences and a couple of words to tie all those plot points together. Unless you are saying now I don't need those four plot punches that I have here now. Sorry if I seem frustrated, queries are super confusing.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

Well that would be adding another point to the four points that you already highlighted for me the other day. What I basically did for this write-up was just add two sentences and a couple of words to tie all those plot points together. Unless you are saying now I don't need those four plot punches that I have here now. Sorry if I seem frustrated, queries are super confusing.

Well, as I mentioned in the previous post, you add the hook in at any of the 4 points.

Cli-fi, I think your main issue, is trying to tell too much, too soon. A query is a short intro. The 4 parts i mentioned with a hook in there somewhere (attached to one of them. Plus its nice to get a mini-/extra smaller hook in there as well at times, usually called the twist). I prob should have mentioned the hook earlier. Anyway, tomo is a nudder day.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Well, as I mentioned in the previous post, you add the hook in at any of the 4 points.

Cli-fi, I think your main issue, is trying to tell too much, too soon. A query is a short intro. The 4 parts i mentioned with a hook in there somewhere (attached to one of them. Plus its nice to get a mini-/extra smaller hook in there as well at times, usually called the twist). I prob should have mentioned the hook earlier. Anyway, tomo is a nudder day.

Well then, I have a few generic themes I can put together that don't really tell anything and all it does is introduces the main character. I'm not sure if this is what agents want, but that seems to be what you are saying.

I was lead to believe from research that queries are more like short summaries that have to hit major plot points. Not just random sentences about what the book is about.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

I'll write a sample tomorrow or next day, and then explain why it works.

A query is not a summary of the main plot points, that is for sure.

It's a 'hello, you like this? Would you like some more?' sort of thing...rather than 'this is the summary of my novel' (which is done via a synopsis)

So until then....

(ETA. 'Random sentences'. Lol. I understand you're frustrated, but it will become clearer. Honest)

 

[Cli-Fi]

I'll write a sample tomorrow or next day, and then explain why it works.

A query is not a summary of the main plot points, that is for sure.

It's a 'hello, you like this? Would you like some more?' sort of thing...rather than 'this is the summary of my novel' (which is done via a synopsis)

So until then....

(ETA. 'Random sentences'. Lol. I understand you're frustrated, but it will become clearer. Honest)

OK Great, I will write one as well tonight and we can compare tomorrow. See if we get close to nailing this down.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

OK Great, I will write one as well tonight and we can compare tomorrow. See if we get close to nailing this down.

Ok, I took a look at your writing, the first chapter I think. You have a big hook, so have to go with that. However Cli-fi, your work needs a lot of pairing down in general. Way, way to much info dump is the latest version I read. I'd definitely suggest you join a writers group or find some dedicated beta readers, and feed them copious amounts of high quality chocolate (probably intravenously). You've written 100,000 words, so that's excellent. But you really will need to re-write for quite a bit yet. If this is a career you want, you have to sharpen your tools, and it will take a while.

Anyway, here's a version of a query. I'll explain why it (kinda) works in next post.




In the year 2200 Pigs do fly!

They had come from a different place, a different time. They were our partners, our mentors, and our protectors in the topsy-turvy waters that was time travel.

But now the flying Pigs were been murdered. Somebody didn’t want this partnership to continue.

When the past-murder of a store-keeper becomes the front page news of the future, Juliet Carpenter, time travel critic and daughter of recently deceased scientist Dr John Carpenter, one of most foremost promoters of time travel, is asked by the Consortium to help restore order to a failing system.

But the Consortium isn't happy with Juliet's no-holds barred approach and she falls under the watchful eye of ruthless Timeline Corrector, Dorian Black.

Her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric but amoral billionaire, Henry Wilson. However, when she learns of Henry's role in the murder of her father, she is plagued by doubt and despair.

To save billions of souls, she must escape Black's watchful eye, overcome Henry's betrayal, find and stop whoever is murdering the remaining Pigs, and begin to restore balance to a unraveling time anomaly.

In doing so, she risks destroying a time paradox one thousand years in the making. A paradox that could permanently distort time itself, and put the very universe at risk.

 

[HareBrain]

I'm not going to attempt a rewrite or offer any specific advice, because I hate queries and don't know I've ever written a good one. I'm just going to highlight what in your version intrigued me, in case it helps.

When the past-murder of a lowly store-keeper becomes the front page news of the future, Time Travel critic Juliet Carpenter begins the daunting task of self-regulating the technology. Once appointed by the mysterious Temporal Consortium she has to find a way to protect the timeline so that the past-murder doesn’t bring the entire universe down with it. Negotiations to solve the time anomaly break down when Juliet is placed under investigation by the Department of Mistakes for undiscovered crimes that she will not commit for hundreds of years.

As the ruthless Timeline Corrector, Dorian Black, watches her every move. Her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric, but amoral billionaire, Commissioner Henry Wilson. It’s only when, years later, Dorian Black threatens to expose the way they hacked the future, does she realize the extent of Henry’s role in the assassination of her father, and the secrets and lies her new empire was built on. So to save the people from her own tyranny, she will try to stop the very paradox she helped create, but in the ill-fated attempt to escape from the clutches of time itself, she learns of her own role in the ancient past that confirms the myths of the origins of time travel itself.

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000 word science fiction novel with series potential.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

In the year 2200 Pigs do fly![The hook. Now, i don't know what age you're aiming for. I'd suggest YA, but it's up to you. But this is your hook, imo.]

They had come from a different place, a different time. They were our partners, our mentors, and our protectors in the topsy-turvy waters that was time travel.

But now the flying Pigs were been murdered. Somebody didn’t want this partnership to continue. [The inciting incident. Part of what's at stake]

When the past-murder of a store-keeper becomes the front page news of the future, Juliet Carpenter, time travel critic and daughter of recently deceased scientist Dr John Carpenter, one of most foremost promoters of time travel, is asked by the Consortium to help restore order to a failing system. [Our dashing MC, with daddy issues. We have our objective]

But the Consortium isn't happy with Juliet's no-holds barred approach and she falls under the watchful eye of ruthless Timeline Corrector, Dorian Black.
[Our dashing MC has chutzpah! Also, we have our obstacle]

Her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric but amoral billionaire, Henry Wilson. However, when she learns of Henry's role in the murder of her father, she is plagued by doubt and despair. [The love interest. Also the twist]

To save billions of souls, she must escape Black's watchful eye, overcome Henry's betrayal, find and stop whoever is murdering the remaining Pigs, and begin to restore balance to a unraveling time anomaly.[The full stakes]

In doing so, she risks destroying a time paradox one thousand years in the making. A paradox that could permanently distort time itself, and put the very universe at risk. [The stakes, again, just so as we all know]


Now, what we don't have is all the complexity, sub-plots, excessive character description, etc. We also don't have the huge verbose of earlier attempts. Less words, used effectively, is much better than many words, no matter how pretty.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

I'm not going to attempt a rewrite or offer any specific advice, because I hate queries and don't know I've ever written a good one. I'm just going to highlight what in your version intrigued me, in case it helps.

I think the problem there HB is there is way too much info going on in that version. At most one hook, and one extra mini hook, and that's it.I personally don't know what the heart of the story is, but that version is a mini-novel, and suggests the writer is unable to zone in on core elements. But for sure, if she/he replaced my offered hook a la murdered sentient Pigs, with an alternative hook, that's be fine.

But to quote the oft-quoted Highlander...

There can only be one! (and maybe a mini-one also. lol)

 

[HareBrain]

I think the problem there HB is there is way too much info going on in that version.

To be sure. And your version is far and away better structured and clearer (though personally I'd leave out the flying pigs). It's just that it left out, perhaps through necessity, a couple of the things that interested me in the original.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

To be sure. And your version is far and away better structured and clearer (though personally I'd leave out the flying pigs). It's just that it left out, perhaps through necessity, a couple of the things that interested me in the original.

Yes, I get that. But those things come across as pretty complex as they currently stand. I suppose if one main one was stream-lined it could work. But really to me, a query is really about the MC, the stakes, the obstacle, and not so much the fancy footwork. A clear, well structured query suggests the author is in command of their work, and can communicate it effectively, especially in 'blurb' form.

So again, in terms of sexiness of a query, the main opportunity is the unique hook. The time-travel complexity is pretty well worn, (I mean even Futurama's Fry is/was his own grandfather so.... ) and to be interesting they require a lot of words, so no place for that in a query. But flying sentient Pigs, well....that's pretty eye-catching.

Of course, it's Cli-fi's call.

ETA. Just to mention Cli-fi, the tenses in my sample aren't smooth enough, below is a bit better.

In the year 2200 Pigs do fly!

They came from a different place, a different time. They were our partners, our mentors, and our protectors in the topsy-turvy waters that was time travel.

But now the flying Pigs are been murdered. Somebody doesn't want this partnership to continue.

When the past-murder of a store-keeper becomes the front page news of the future, Juliet Carpenter, time travel critic and daughter of recently deceased scientist Dr John Carpenter, one of most foremost promoters of time travel, is asked by the Consortium to help restore order to a failing system.

But the Consortium isn't happy with Juliet's no-holds barred approach and she falls under the watchful eye of ruthless Timeline Corrector, Dorian Black.

Her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric but amoral billionaire, Henry Wilson. However, when she learns of Henry's role in the murder of her father, she is plagued by doubt and despair.

To save billions of souls, she must escape Black's watchful eye, overcome Henry's betrayal, find and stop whoever is murdering the remaining Pigs, and begin to restore balance to a unraveling time anomaly.

In doing so, she risks destroying a time paradox one thousand years in the making. A paradox that could permanently distort time itself, and put the very universe at risk.

 

[Cli-Fi]

In the year 2200 Pigs do fly![The hook. Now, i don't know what age you're aiming for. I'd suggest YA, but it's up to you. But this is your hook, imo.]

Yes, I get that. But those things come across as pretty complex as they currently stand. I suppose if one main one was stream-lined it could work. But really to me, a query is really about the MC, the stakes, the obstacle, and not so much the fancy footwork. A clear, well structured query suggests the author is in command of their work, and can communicate it effectively, especially in 'blurb' form.

So again, in terms of sexiness of a query, the main opportunity is the unique hook. The time-travel complexity is pretty well worn, (I mean even Futurama's Fry is/was his own grandfather so.... ) and to be interesting they require a lot of words, so no place for that in a query. But flying sentient Pigs, well....that's pretty eye-catching.

Of course, it's Cli-fi's call.

ETA. Just to mention Cli-fi, the tenses in my sample aren't smooth enough, below is a bit better.

Thank you @StuartSuffers. I appreciate it. Now to answer some of your questions:
I actually wasn't planning to put this into YA, but from the way others have critiqued it, it might do better there? Now that's a really strong vibe I'm getting. Plus I realize that as YA has matured so much in the past recent years, something serious like this wouldn't be considered risky. All the successful YA franchises deal with serious issues and serious literary elements. Even if some of the intended audience might not completely get it. YA is custom made for ALL ages, now.

Thank you for taking the time to write those. I got too frustrated with it yesterday to come up with much anything different than what I already had. I see now what you meant by excessive words and the sexy descriptions. With a plot this complex, I simply cannot afford them! I cannot explain how the world works either because each explanation comes with at least one sentence, but most likely more taking away the story from the MC.

However, it was interesting that you've put in the Flying Pigs whereas others told me I didn't need them. So I am at a bit of a crossroads on what to do with them. They are an integral part of the story and I see how your hook works better, but there actually isn't really a flying pig that is a character. They are just there, foreshadowing something to come. I think if, I were to make a trilogy the Flying Pigs boss will reveal himself eventually, but that's WAY down the road! The Flying Pigs are sort of like the Zombies in the Walking Dead. There are no Zombies that are actual characters. They just exist in that world and are may I add, the reason why the characters are in their precarious situations, as it is.

I'll try to combine both yours and @HareBrain's suggestions into something nice and simple over the weekend and post here once that's final. Again, I can't thank everyone enough.

 

[VinceK]

However, it was interesting that you've put in the Flying Pigs whereas others told me I didn't need them. So I am at a bit of a crossroads on what to do with them.

I thought the flying pigs added an interesting bump in an otherwise well-trodden road. However, I do understand your concern. Would you be able to find an agent who would give you feedback on your query letter?