Synopsis/Query for Dynasty WIP?

[HareBrain]

Would you be able to find an agent who would give you feedback on your query letter?

Might be worth approaching Query Shark. (And it's always worth reading it!)

 

[VinceK]

Might be worth approaching Query Shark.

Is there a "sticky" place on Chrons where this golden nugget can be stored?

 

[Stuart Suffel]

@Cli-Fi

Thank you @StuartSuffers. I appreciate it. Now to answer some of your questions:
I actually wasn't planning to put this into YA, but from the way others have critiqued it, it might do better there? Now that's a really strong vibe I'm getting. Plus I realize that as YA has matured so much in the past recent years, something serious like this wouldn't be considered risky. All the successful YA franchises deal with serious issues and serious literary elements. Even if some of the intended audience might not completely get it. YA is custom made for ALL ages, now.

Yes, YA with 'cross-over appeal' (ie to adults) is the latest hip phraseology...

Thank you for taking the time to write those. I got too frustrated with it yesterday to come up with much anything different than what I already had. I see now what you meant by excessive words and the sexy descriptions. With a plot this complex, I simply cannot afford them! I cannot explain how the world works either because each explanation comes with at least one sentence, but most likely more taking away the story from the MC.

Yes. I will say though, be careful of complexity, esp plot wise. character development is more important for YA and upwards.

However, it was interesting that you've put in the Flying Pigs whereas others told me I didn't need them. So I am at a bit of a crossroads on what to do with them. They are an integral part of the story and I see how your hook works better, but there actually isn't really a flying pig that is a character.

Well it's really a question of how integral they are. They don't have to be characters as such, but they can represent something - something that is perceived to be a threat. They could be a useful driving force or vehicle for your story, without being center stage. I haven't read you novel (and wouldn't have time) only you know how integral they are. But it's a nice hook...

They are just there, foreshadowing something to come. I think if, I were to make a trilogy the Flying Pigs boss will reveal himself eventually, but that's WAY down the road! The Flying Pigs are sort of like the Zombies in the Walking Dead. There are no Zombies that are actual characters. They just exist in that world and are may I add, the reason why the characters are in their precarious situations, as it is.

I'll try to combine both yours and @HareBrain's suggestions into something nice and simple over the weekend and post here once that's final. Again, I can't thank everyone enough.

To me, the only factual piece of info my version has left out is Juliet future crimes/ tyranny, being a key from ancient times to time travel. Now, imo, if you add that to the query, well, what we got now, is a talented, strong-willed kick ass but vulnerable heroine (all good so far) who is also some sort of Messianic, God like, Chosen One, Special Powers type figure. Me, I'd stay clear of that in a query. Waaaay clear. But that's just me.

Keep truckin, keep editing, and keep me informed when you get the manuscript accepted by a publisher! Best of luck. S

 

[Cli-Fi]

I thought the flying pigs added an interesting bump in an otherwise well-trodden road. However, I do understand your concern. Would you be able to find an agent who would give you feedback on your query letter?

@VinceK unfortunately I do not have an agent, which is why I am working on the query in order to find one. I know of a few good resources on where to look and I suppose a nice potential will give me some feedback. For other projects, I have gotten agents who declined but were nice enough to offer advice in the end, but as I know it. That's a rarity in the industry.

 

[Cli-Fi]

In the year 2200 Pigs do fly![The hook. Now, i don't know what age you're aiming for. I'd suggest YA, but it's up to you. But this is your hook, imo.]

They had come from a different place, a different time. They were our partners, our mentors, and our protectors in the topsy-turvy waters that was time travel.

But now the flying Pigs were been murdered. Somebody didn’t want this partnership to continue. [The inciting incident. Part of what's at stake]

When the past-murder of a store-keeper becomes the front page news of the future, Juliet Carpenter, time travel critic and daughter of recently deceased scientist Dr John Carpenter, one of most foremost promoters of time travel, is asked by the Consortium to help restore order to a failing system. [Our dashing MC, with daddy issues. We have our objective]

But the Consortium isn't happy with Juliet's no-holds barred approach and she falls under the watchful eye of ruthless Timeline Corrector, Dorian Black.
[Our dashing MC has chutzpah! Also, we have our obstacle]

Her only hope of containing the ongoing chaos rests with her budding friendship with eccentric but amoral billionaire, Henry Wilson. However, when she learns of Henry's role in the murder of her father, she is plagued by doubt and despair. [The love interest. Also the twist]

To save billions of souls, she must escape Black's watchful eye, overcome Henry's betrayal, find and stop whoever is murdering the remaining Pigs, and begin to restore balance to a unraveling time anomaly.[The full stakes]

In doing so, she risks destroying a time paradox one thousand years in the making. A paradox that could permanently distort time itself, and put the very universe at risk. [The stakes, again, just so as we all know]


Now, what we don't have is all the complexity, sub-plots, excessive character description, etc. We also don't have the huge verbose of earlier attempts. Less words, used effectively, is much better than many words, no matter how pretty.

Hi @StuartSuffers, I used your template to polish it a little. I think I added more words just to make it flow better into paragraphs and to nail down the timeline a bit more. So I hope it doesn't take away anything you said I needed to include. Let me know what you think:

In the year 2200 Pigs do Fly! But now the flying Pigs were being murdered. Somebody didn’t want this partnership to continue even though they had come from a different place, a different time to help us understand time travel. They were our partners, our mentors, and our protectors….

When Time Travel critic and daughter of recently deceased scientist Dr. David Carpenter, one of the most foremost pioneers of time travel, Juliet Carpenter is tasked with finishing the final drafts of time travel’s signature piece of legislation, the Time Code, without the guidance from the Flying Pigs. The mysterious leaders of the Temporal Consortium bicker over her no holds barred approach, and ultimately she falls under the watchful eyes of the ruthless Timeline Corrector Dorian Black for years.

Her only hope of containing the chaos rests with her budding romance with amoral Billionaire Henry Wilson, the eccentric head of the Temporal Consortium. However, when Dorian exposes how Henry used his position of power to murder her father and hack the future, she is plagued with doubt about the new Empire they built together, and what other lies he might be hiding from her.

She must find a way to escape Dorian’s watchful eyes, overcome Henry’s betrayal, find out who is murdering the Flying Pigs, and risk destroying a time paradox one thousand years in the making that she helped create! A paradox that could permanently distort time itself, and put the very universe at risk.

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000 word science fiction novel with series potential.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

Yup, pretty close. Below is my final contribution on this. I've tried to keep your structure as much as is reasonable. The pink bits I suggest you remove. Try it, see how it looks, listen to how it sounds. Yes, it's less words, but...that aint a bad thing. You want to sell an item, mention it's 3 main qualities. Humans aren't equipped to take in much more than 3 pieces of information at any one time. If they swallow the 3, then add more - after they've swallowed.

Other thing. Time Travel, in your novel is clearly a trade mark, but it isn't in the world of queries. Not at all. Not ever. Just...no. In a query it's 'time travel'.

Finally, I think your main problem, is filling in too many blanks, too soon. You will have to work on that, think about it, consider why, and consider how it can be remedied. I think part of it is a rush to explain, to deepen a piece of information, rather than gradually invite them in, let them get their shoes off, take a look around.

But writing is a bit like a song or a dance. You seduce a reader. Seduce, not overwhelm. Not dazzle. Seduce.

Well, that's my two cents on this one, hope it all goes well for you. Best, S

Hi @StuartSuffers, I used your template to polish it a little. I think I added more words just to make it flow better into paragraphs and to nail down the timeline a bit more. So I hope it doesn't take away anything you said I needed to include. Let me know what you think:

In the year 2200 Pigs do Fly! But now the flying Pigs were being murdered. Somebody didn’t want this partnership to continue even though they had come from a different place, a different time to help us understand time travel. They were our partners, our mentors, and our protectors….

In the year 2200 Pigs do fly!

They had come from a different place, a different time. They were our partners, our mentors, and our protectors in the topsy-turvy waters that was time travel.

But now the flying Pigs were been murdered. Somebody didn’t want this partnership to continue...

With the Pigs now unable to assist the human race, Juliet Carpenter, Ttime Ttravel critic and daughter of recently deceased scientist Dr. David Carpenter, one of the most foremost pioneers of time travel, is tasked with finishing the final drafts of time travel’s signature piece of legislation, the Time Code, without their guidance. While the mysterious leaders of the Temporal Consortium bicker over her no holds barred approach, and ultimately she falls under the watchful eyes of the ruthless Timeline Corrector Dorian Black. for years.

Her only hope of containing the chaos rests with her budding romance with amoral B billionaire Henry Wilson, the eccentric head of the Temporal Consortium. However, when Dorian exposes how Henry used his position of power to murder her father and hack the future, she is plagued with doubt about the new Empire they built? (are building) together. and what other lies he might be hiding from her.

She must find a way to escape Dorian’s watchful eyes, overcome Henry’s betrayal, find out who is murdering the Flying Pigs, and risk destroying a time paradox one thousand years in the making that she helped create! A paradox that could permanently distort time itself, and put the very universe at risk.

Dynasty: Roots of an Empire is a 100,000 word science fiction novel with series potential.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Yup, pretty close. Below is my final contribution on this. I've tried to keep your structure as much as is reasonable. The pink bits I suggest you remove. Try it, see how it looks, listen to how it sounds. Yes, it's less words, but...that aint a bad thing. You want to sell an item, mention it's 3 main qualities. Humans aren't equipped to take in much more than 3 pieces of information at any one time. If they swallow the 3, then add more - after they've swallowed.

Other thing. Time Travel, in your novel is clearly a trade mark, but it isn't in the world of queries. Not at all. Not ever. Just...no. In a query it's 'time travel'.

Finally, I think your main problem, is filling in too many blanks, too soon. You will have to work on that, think about it, consider why, and consider how it can be remedied. I think part of it is a rush to explain, to deepen a piece of information, rather than gradually invite them in, let them get their shoes off, take a look around.

But writing is a bit like a song or a dance. You seduce a reader. Seduce, not overwhelm. Not dazzle. Seduce.

Well, that's my two cents on this one, hope it all goes well for you. Best, S

Thanks @StuartSuffers, I'll of course have to see what the final draft looks like to see if any of it can be slimmed down. ETC, Maybe I put too much into the first book like you are suggesting. I have plans to keep the paradox in one book, (basically so it can standalone) as a launching pad for this time travel world I have created, the aftermath of what happens after Juliet either succeeds or doesn't in the second book, and the somewhat peaceful remedy to the chaos in the third book. I have really good ideas for where this goes in the last book but getting to that point is pretty complex.