[Workshop] Engage me quickly!

[niapri]

I actually haven't posted here before, but this was too good a challenge to resist. Here's my go at it:


***

The room fell silent when Director Marlin entered and locked the door behind him. His face was lined with shadows from the cold artificial firelight, and his black eyes narrowed as he looked at each of us in turn. "You are going to tell me everything," he said.

 

[ScrambleEggHead]

The second I pushed open the door, I was suffused in the sight and smell of printed newspaper. A black ceiling. How odd. On every wall, as my eyes traced it, an emerging pattern in the news clippings drove me to vertigo. Looking floorward, another pattern presented, in dried blood.

 

[J Riff]

Norbert strode purposefully into Cynthia's boudoir.
"Darling," he said, "we must get married, as soon as possible!"
" oH, YES!" cooed Cynthia, "I accept! We are engaged!"
"Gee, that was quick." thought Norbert.
" I have no gold ring, my darling, this spaghetti-O will have to suffice for the nonce.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I'm mainly trying to encourage tension building without using dramatic physical events that take over - there have been some very nice examples so far, so I'll make an effort to join in:


The room was empty, cobwebs robed across the timbers. The air was still and cold. Death had raged here once before, now stilled. His breath misted as he tried to stop shaking. The screaming outside continued. In here, only echoes.


OR

As he stepped back into the room, he could see the other jurors around the table had reached their decision. With his eyes goading over his spectacles, Mr Entwhistle said simply, "I'm sorry, Jim. You are outvoted." I knew then an entire town would die.

OR

When he stepped into the room, Kim was already waiting for him. Her white dress flowed down her beautiful body. Karl smilled gently, and felt an intense, painful love for her. He stepped forward, kissed her deeply, then placed his hand over hers on the detonator.


OR

He entered his study, and closed the door carefully with nervous hands. Everything was as it always had been. The old computer, the papers strewn over the desk, the books on the shelves he'd always meant to read. The room was still, from a time of calm and ignorance. From a time when he had still been alive.

 

[Susan Boulton]

A couple of things I am working on

Beginning of "Stoneman Green

“Now I lay me down to sleep.”

It was not quite that simple, least for Richard Cross. The very act of lying down at the end of the day allowed the imps out of the shadows. They skittered across the ceiling and hung with broken claws from the thin cable of a single electric light above his bed.


Beginning of "Hand of Glory"

Two men stood in a funk hole with their backs against the sodden Flanders’ clay. The rough shelter was cut into the side of a trench between the mud-cemented, rotting remains of a Yorkshire man and a rusting sheet of corrugated steel.

 

[Precise Calibre]

J Riff took the challenge a little too literally; still, it made me laugh, which is a good thing.

-------------

Cut down from 100 original words to 50...

"She pushed through the massive door, squinting against sunlight from a lone window. A glint caught her eye from across the room. Upon a table sat a cleaver; sunlight twinkled off of its blade. She fixated on the dark-stained table until she heard footsteps coming down the hall behind her..."

 

[J Riff]

Arnie walked through the door into the professor's den.
"You idiot!" said the professor, "how many time have I told you to open the door before you come in!"
"Sorry boss. I- "
"That door is coming off your paycheque. Now clean up this mess."
"Boss - the house is surrounded with coppers."

 

[Precise Calibre]

Hey, stop making fun of my wording, I had to cut it down in some way!

 

[J Riff]

Philbert knocked and the door popped open. He stepped inside.
"Hello?" he ventured.
There was something in the bathroom. Philbert could see shadows, moving shadows at the bottom of the door, and he knew that whatever was in there - wasn't human.
He set down the pizza and reached for his gun but it was too late.

 

[ScrambleEggHead]

I'm mainly trying to encourage tension building without using dramatic physical events that take over - there have been some very nice examples so far, so I'll make an effort to join in:


The room was empty, cobwebs robed across the timbers. The air was still and cold. Death had raged here once before, now stilled. His breath misted as he tried to stop shaking. The screaming outside continued. In here, only echoes.


OR

As he stepped back into the room, he could see the other jurors around the table had reached their decision. With his eyes goading over his spectacles, Mr Entwhistle said simply, "I'm sorry, Jim. You are outvoted." I knew then an entire town would die.

OR

When he stepped into the room, Kim was already waiting for him. Her white dress flowed down her beautiful body. Karl smilled gently, and felt an intense, painful love for her. He stepped forward, kissed her deeply, then placed his hand over hers on the detonator.


OR

He entered his study, and closed the door carefully with nervous hands. Everything was as it always had been. The old computer, the papers strewn over the desk, the books on the shelves he'd always meant to read. The room was still, from a time of calm and ignorance. From a time when he had still been alive.

Sorry Chap, but those examples seem rather cliche' to me. Well, if not cliche', at least one dimensional. The style doesn't vary much between those four examples. It's hard to figure what exactly is meant by "dramatic physical events that take over." Perhaps you could give some examples of that problem. In writing, it's extremely hard to give rules for what to do, and almost harder to give rules of what not to do. (IMO)

After another review, it would seem you are looking for examples that make the reader ask "why?" (and not much else.)

 

[Toby Frost]

I think they're fine, although they do all rely on a punchline at the end that puts the previous sentences in a different light. I'm actually not sure of the value of using this attention-grab technique in everything, but that's not the point of the exercise.

Here is mine.

It was a beautiful day. Mike stepped onto the fifteenth floor with the case in his hand, sweaty from the climb. He opened the nearest door. The office was empty: it had the best view over the road below. The best angle of attack. He opened the case and got to work.

 

[J Riff]

It's hard to do. (trying to be serious)

Why was the door hanging open? Henry ran the last ten yards and bounded onto the porch. There was no one in the kitchen, and no response to his yells. The house was deserted, though the kettle whistled merrily on the stove. The phone rang.

Hard to get it going without knowing where the story is going.

Henry walked into the foyer and answered the phone.

"Henry? It's Madge. I have to tell you -Get out of the house-now!" It's going to blow up!

" It what?"

"Blow UP!" We couldn't turn the stove off! We called the gas company. Oh, get out Henry!! Get out, before_ *
(50)
Ran out of words, or he may have escaped.

 

[vector7]

This was the first lines I tried for a failed short story idea. Hope its good.
------

I opened my eyes. A pool of water spread out beneath me reflecting my face and the steel bed. Images from my last 48-hours ghosted before my eyes: guns, mounds of bullets, pools of blood, bodies of civilians and my arres---. I blacked out. A dream started to unravel before my eyes.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Sorry Chap, but those examples seem rather cliche' to me. Well, if not cliche', at least one dimensional. The style doesn't vary much between those four examples. It's hard to figure what exactly is meant by "dramatic physical events that take over." Perhaps you could give some examples of that problem. In writing, it's extremely hard to give rules for what to do, and almost harder to give rules of what not to do. (IMO)

It's simply a fun little exercise - 50 words is very little time to set up any tension, and there's no need to develop different styles for examples. I am not expecting novels here.

 

[vector7]

It's simply a fun little exercise - 50 words is very little time to set up any tension, and there's no need to develop different styles for examples. I am not expecting novels here.

That's true. A demanding reader wouldn't like to see a cliche at the start. Will he?? Still, having a nice style and something new would be good. Else it would look like one of the summer hollywood blockbusters...

 

[BookStop]

The valley, like a colossal cauldron bubbling with hazy brew, hid its contents from the search and rescue helicopters flitting to and fro. Like bees to nectar, the choppers dove in and out of the fog, hoping to part the mist and gain temporary sight of the terrain beneath.

 

[Precise Calibre]

That one seems like it's just a bit too flowery to evoke the feeling of rescue 'copters and why they're in the area. Kinda like looking at a painted picture of a rescue chopper. Good description, but it doesn't really evoke any emotions for me.

(Half the people putting up entries are ignoring your stipulation of "you walk into a room" )

Of course that doesn't stop them from being good, but...'


Cheaters!

 

[ScrambleEggHead]

Well, at least Bookstop put a new "spin" on walking into a room.

 

[BookStop]

yeah, the next fifty words describe the room and this, the tv, haha. Maybe should've reworked a bit more

 

[beadchaser]

This is the first bit I've written that has anything to do with an idea that's been swimming around in my head for a very long time.

Shock and fear replaced Eldon’s smirk. Grabbing Kaillen by her shoulders, he pushed her down.

“Kneel, now!”

Kaillen didn’t question Eldon in the Elven realms, but this was her bedroom. She lunged forward, thrusting into Eldon’s stomach. He somersaulted backwards, and looked up as Oberon strode into the room.