Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[mosaix]

Thanks @sule. Interesting to know that, although the wording isn’t quite right, it still imparted the image that I intended.

It’s also interesting to look at the subtle differences that a minor suggested change can make. Looking back now I had an image in my mind of the gunfire distracting the protagonist and causing him to look over his shoulder as he was adjusting the blanket. That’s probably why your suggestion of two sentences, that seems to separate the two actions, didn’t occur to me.

Thanks again.

 

[JS Wiig]

@mosaix for me the adjective ‘splintered’ comes to mind.

 

[mosaix]

I liked this story, and (I think) I shortlisted it. If I didn't, I should have. Just a couple of suggestions on the first two lines:


“I ain’t leavin’ you now, Tom. You’ve seen me right more than once in the past. My turn now. You cold?”

"You've always stuck/stood by me; my turn now." Is a possible alternative saving you 5 words.



As he adjusts his pal’s blanket the rumble of distant gunfire causes him to turn and eye the tree-blasted horizon.

Blanket somehow doesn't seem appropriate. 'Lifts his pal's collar' perhaps? And if they are awaiting the oncoming enemy 'scour the shell-scarred landscape' perhaps?



Tom smiles a rictus smile that only a broken-jawed corpse can.

Personally, I would have left the last line more ambiguous. We are in his friend's world, and in this world Tom isn't dead. Perhaps something like 'Tom stares back at his pal silently, a rictus grin etched across his face.'

Thanks PM. There’s a lot to consider there. I’ll come back to it.

 

[therapist]

@mosaix your tree-blasted horzion line worked fine for me. Gave me all the right images.
I remember not considering your story for a vote because I didn't like the line "You’ve seen me right more than once in the past."
I will admit that at the time I didn't understand this line because i'm not very familiar with the phrase 'you've seen me right' so my mind just drew a blank. Rereading it now I think it works well with your characters speech and think your story is strong.

 

[therapist]

My turn for a roasting now. I liked my story and thought it might do better than just a couple of short listings. Am curious why it didn't work.

Droidtown

‘And this—is the renowned Mech Street! Us droids come here to hang-out, rewire, get an engraving…’
‘Far-out,' Sarah said, scanning the robotic crowds. Outside a charging station, a rusty droid lay in a puddle of its own oil.
She rushed over and checked its display, ‘Are you okay?!’
‘Sarah, leave it.’
‘Doesn’t it need help?’
Other droids continued to walk past.
‘It does, but uhh…Come on, I’ll show you the sonic baths!’

 

[M. Robert Gibson]

My turn for a roasting now. I liked my story and thought it might do better than just a couple of short listings. Am curious why it didn't work.

Droidtown

‘And this—is the renowned Mech Street! Us droids come here to hang-out, rewire, get an engraving…’
‘Far-out,' Sarah said, scanning the robotic crowds. Outside a charging station, a rusty droid lay in a puddle of its own oil.
She rushed over and checked its display, ‘Are you okay?!’
‘Sarah, leave it.’
‘Doesn’t it need help?’
Other droids continued to walk past.
‘It does, but uhh…Come on, I’ll show you the sonic baths!’

I like it as a story. It paints a good picture of down-and-out robots in a seedy part of town, but... I couldn't immediately see the Honour connection.
On rereading I suppose Sarah is doing an honourable thing by trying to help

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

My turn for a roasting now. I liked my story and thought it might do better than just a couple of short listings. Am curious why it didn't work.

Droidtown

‘And this—is the renowned Mech Street! Us droids come here to hang-out, rewire, get an engraving…’
‘Far-out,' Sarah said, scanning the robotic crowds. Outside a charging station, a rusty droid lay in a puddle of its own oil.
She rushed over and checked its display, ‘Are you okay?!’
‘Sarah, leave it.’
‘Doesn’t it need help?’
Other droids continued to walk past.
‘It does, but uhh…Come on, I’ll show you the sonic baths!’

I liked this one and gave it a mention. Like PM, I perhaps don't see a clear connection to the designated theme. I preferred CC this month but yours was definitely a top five for me.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I agree with M.Robert Gibson and CW, I didn't really see the 'honour' connection here. I was also a little unsure as to whether Sarah was a droid herself (not that that is necessarily important).

If you'd had Sarah picking the droid up and taking him for help, despite the remonstrations of her guide, this would have shown an honourable act, eg:

"Sarah, what're you doing?" or "Sarah, where're you going?"
"I'm taking him to get help."
Other droids continued to walk (or perhaps strolling?) past.
‘But I was gonna show you the sonic baths!’




A small suggestion regarding your second sentence. It feels like unnatural conversation in order to tell the reader that the speaker is a droid, but I think that the rest of your story is enough to get this information across.

Us droids come here to hang-out, rewire, get an engraving…

Perhaps

It's where we come to hang out, rewire, get an engraving...

Or if you want to show that Sarah is a droid:

It's where you can come to hang out, rewire, get an engraving...

Also to get a little more reaction of sympathy, perhaps refer to the droid as 'he' or 'she' rather than 'it'? Or perhaps to show the disdain the speaker has, have them refer to the injured droid as 'it' whilst Sarah refers to the droid as 'him' or 'her'?

 

[Wayne Mack]

My turn for a roasting now. I liked my story and thought it might do better than just a couple of short listings. Am curious why it didn't work.

Droidtown

‘And this—is the renowned Mech Street! Us droids come here to hang-out, rewire, get an engraving…’
‘Far-out,' Sarah said, scanning the robotic crowds. Outside a charging station, a rusty droid lay in a puddle of its own oil.
She rushed over and checked its display, ‘Are you okay?!’
‘Sarah, leave it.’
‘Doesn’t it need help?’
Other droids continued to walk past.
‘It does, but uhh…Come on, I’ll show you the sonic baths!’

I liked the description of the environment and the analogy to human dive areas. I didn't feel that it results in a conclusion, though. Sarah may or may not help and it is unclear why the PoV seems so adverse to helping or desirous of visiting the sonic baths. I definitely feel that his could be an interesting setting for a longer story.

 

[therapist]

Also to get a little more reaction of sympathy, perhaps refer to the droid as 'he' or 'she' rather than 'it'? Or perhaps to show the disdain the speaker has, have them refer to the injured droid as 'it' whilst Sarah refers to the droid as 'him' or 'her'?

I deliberated on whether or not to refer to the droids as he/she or it. In the end I landed on 'it', but I never once considered having Sarah still use 'he', great idea, i'm kicking myself for not thinking of it.

It feels like unnatural conversation in order to tell the reader that the speaker is a droid

Guilty.

it is unclear why the PoV seems so adverse to helping or desirous of visiting the sonic baths.

That's fair. Definitely something I hoped the reader would just magically understand.

Thanks for the comments everyone. I can see that the 'honour' connection was a tad too tenuous. The idea for this story came directly from this great stand up joke from Louis CK that has always stuck in my memory. But I think the crux of the story might've been lost in translation.

 

[VRlass]

What be… with me?
What be,
malevolent figure of bright light,
that took delight, in stealing
rest of restless night, just
from my aching mind.
on my weary head I
felt a kiss, made
by ephemeral lips,
and my heart did freeze.
Shocked by pain I trembled,
yet soon all my suffering ended.
I look at bright figure over me to see,
my very own mother laughing most joyfully
with me.

​

So, the story is about last moments in one world and first in next one. You could say its about death, but to me its more of a bardo—the transition. I went really crazy with this one
3 aspects of composition:

1. The title is a question about what lies ahead of protagonist, what comes after death, and the story is an answer to it. The first line and the last one of the story compose the title, but without question mark and in the place of three dots there is a story, so i think its well hinted ​
2. If you grasp the rhythm and try to emphasis the last word, somewhere between ephemeral lips, and and my heart did freeze. You should feel a certain squize In your chest, corresponding nicely with heart freeze.​
3. The work is in a shape of hourglass. The shortest line is the line when the actual death happens, so it splits the text into two parts.​

Not sure how could I do this better…
Any ideas on improving?

 

[Parson]

@VRlass .... My first impression on reading your story was of a kind of confusion. I understood that the main character was in the process of death. But I felt that there was something or some things that I just wasn't connecting with. I asked questions like these on my first readings.

(1) What is the malevolent figure of bright light? An angel would be bright but not malevolent, and an angel of darkness is not described as being "of bright light."
(2) Is the main character hung over? "stealing rest of restless night... aching mind.... weary head."
(3) Is there a ghost involved? "ephemeral lips"
(4) Is the MC's ghost his/her mother? "I look at bright figure over me to see, my very own mother laughing most joyfully with me."

I assumed the shape of the story was the shape of a woman and so I thought mother.

After reading your explanation I can see that you were attempting a lot in your story. My bet is that you were too ambitious for a mere 75 words. Usually subtlety in 75 words is a bridge too far. I think your story made a lot more sense after your explanation, which is not usually a good thing in an exercise/contest like this.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I really liked the way you fashioned your entry into that form. It reminds me of a (winning) entry by 'mouse' back in August 2010 (which is worth checking out in the 'Roll Call' thread.

I (think) I did shortlist your entry, and it was an inventive attempt to try something different. However I didn't feel that this had relevance to the story being told, and that (understandably) some compromises in wordage had to be made to fit it into this format.

 

[VRlass]

(1) What is the malevolent figure of bright light? An angel would be bright but not malevolent, and an angel of darkness is not described as being "of bright light."
(2) Is the main character hung over? "stealing rest of restless night... aching mind.... weary head."
(3) Is there a ghost involved? "ephemeral lips"
(4) Is the MC's ghost his/her mother? "I look at bright figure over me to see, my very own mother laughing most joyfully with me."

Its first person narration so the narrator isn’t omni wise so his choice of words reflects certain subjectivity towards described objects.
1. Imagine him saying f***ing instead of malevolent. It would be even an alliteration but i didn’t want to get my story there. So i went with what seemed to me as an appropriate gothic substitute.
2. He was in bed agonising.
3. Yes his mother come to him to greet him on the other side
4. Yes

After reading your explanation I can see that you were attempting a lot in your story. My bet is that you were too ambitious for a mere 75 words. Usually subtlety in 75 words is a bridge too far. I think your story made a lot more sense after your explanation, which is not usually a good thing in an exercise/contest like this.

Hey, Its all about fun. I dont know if you noticed, but Idon’t write those stories to win, but to write the best thing I can. Current 300 is the first one I am not doing any trickery with hidden layers and other meaning origami, but only because no tricks in Halloween story is a pun on its own.

I (think) I did shortlist your entry, and it was an inventive attempt to try something different. However I didn't feel that this had relevance to the story being told, and that (understandably) some compromises in wordage had to be made to fit it into this format.

They are not wordage compromises (apart from the one above). They are result of my poor vocabulary. Probably i could have used better ones, but I already had to google or spellcheck about ten.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@VRlass, I found this to be an interesting format. Unfortunately, I didn't make the connection of this being about death and thought it was about a young child waking up from a nightmare. This caused a little more dissonance for me, in that the wording did not seem to be childlike. I had a completely different impression after reading the explanation than I had on my initial read. It was a good story, the nuance just escaped me.

 

[Hugh]

Likewise, all over my head. A pity - the bardo idea is good creative stuff.

 

[VRlass]

@VRlass, I found this to be an interesting format. Unfortunately, I didn't make the connection of this being about death and thought it was about a young child waking up from a nightmare. This caused a little more dissonance for me, in that the wording did not seem to be childlike. I had a completely different impression after reading the explanation than I had on my initial read. It was a good story, the nuance just escaped me.

I forgot to mention. At first it was a story that was looking grim at first, only for the reader to find out that it was just a wake up.
Than I thought i can explore the darkness bit more, to create second story within it.
So yeah i created it so that you can read it both ways with one in plain sight, and the other just hinted by composition… but than I kinda abandoned one of them…
If I could pull it out so that both work… THAT WOULD BE COOL!!!

 

[VRlass]

Btw. Fun fact.
Bardo is the name of a town I moved in like 6 months ago. Month after that I wrote my first prose in english.
Coincidence…?

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Here is the story I submitted for October's 75 worder. Other than general impressions, am interested to know whether people picked up that the lady character is in hell having died young, and the man character older and at death's door. I kinda felt it needed another couple of lines - but maybe not?

When The Veil is Thinnest​

We embrace upon the battlements and gaze out over moon-touched moors. Hand holds hand; mine like ancient yew, hers spring soft but cold as autumn’s gloaming.

“This is the last time,” I say, but my words cannot penetrate the veil.

At midnight, we dance the flickering shadows of spider-kissed hallways until sunrise steals her back. When she fades, my heart breaks.

No more dances, for heaven is a prison with stronger walls than hell.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Here is the story I submitted for October's 75 worder. Other than general impressions, am interested to know whether people picked up that the lady character is in hell having died young, and the man character older and at death's door. I kinda felt it needed another couple of lines - but maybe not?

When The Veil is Thinnest​

We embrace upon the battlements and gaze out over moon-touched moors. Hand holds hand; mine like ancient yew, hers spring soft but cold as autumn’s gloaming.

“This is the last time,” I say, but my words cannot penetrate the veil.

At midnight, we dance the flickering shadows of spider-kissed hallways until sunrise steals her back. When she fades, my heart breaks.

No more dances, for heaven is a prison with stronger walls than hell.

It wasn't quite clear enough for me. Close, but not quite.