Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[THX1138]

I agree with @mosaix because I tend to do the same in my own stories; I tend to forget to include the 'human factor'.
Perhaps if it was written from the view of a postapocalyptic descendent of a survivor and how this person views this ongoing spectacle and their thought and feelings about it and the piles of acuminating rubble caused by it?

 

[Astro Pen]

TBH @sule it struck me as poetry rather than a story. And nothing wrong with that.
I took the liberty of reshuffling it on the page, otherwise unaltered, as it is the easiest way to describe how it paced as I read it.

Commanding the Air

Sky-bound fortresses, barbed and bristling
with barrels pointed outward,
aiming at everything - and nothing.

They glide through the grey above;
no challenge, no countersign.

Two castles collide passively with a thunderclap.
Metal and rock shear from their shells, raining softly
on a land of steel bones and long shadows.

A flock of birds shimmer
from airborne nests of wire and cloth,
feathers afire in the dying light;
the enduring masters of this striated sky.

 

[Parson]

Agree that the story was more of a scene, but I also have to admit that I wanted to make the fortresses clouds and thought that the rocks and debris were the results of lightening. I'm sorry I didn't catch this story at all.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@sule, this was a very well written passage and it felt like it should be part of a larger story. For me, what was lacking was a sense of connection to the fortresses being destroyed. Something devastating happened, but I did not feel emotionally affected. Perhaps it would have helped to anthropomorphized the fortresses. That is part of the real challenge in extremely short fiction, getting everything into the story. I certainly would like to see some longer form stories of yours as I appreciated the descriptiveness in this piece.

 

[mosaix]

@sule. For me, your entry had the characteristics of a ‘scene’ rather than a ‘story’.

@sule. Apologies. I think I could have been a bit clearer in what I was trying to say.

The rules for the challenges contain the following:

“It is expected that your story will have a plot, and not merely consist of descriptive prose.”

It seemed to me that your 75 entry fell into the category of ‘descriptive prose’.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Sule, I thought your entry was really well written. I agree that it could be seen as a piece of descriptive writing, although in this case I think your entry was something different than many that fall into the trap of description rather than story . For me it was the equivalent of a painting in word form; one which paints a story in one frame, where the reader has to work it out for themselves.

I wouldn't wish to attempt to improve on your entry, but with a few amendments it could have fitted better into the 'story' format of the Challenge. For example if you called your story 'After The War' and

raining softly on a land of steel bones and long shadows

could be

raining softly on a land of bleached bones and scattered settlements

then

the enduring masters of this striated sky

could be

the new masters of this striated sky.

This is just off the top of my head, and I'm sure you could do better, but it perhaps then becomes more of a story.

 

[Provincial]

I thought it was perfect.

 

[OuttaInc]

Alrighty, now that the Jan contest is over (Theme: The Last One), I'd love to get some feedback on mine. What worked, what didn't, and what left you scratching your head?

The Magic is Over

Corey peered into the enchanted mirror.

“It’s true! It shows your deepest desire!”

“Bullsh**. How could some ol’ mirror know you better than you?” Tommy was fourteen and had no patience for his kid brother’s fairytales.

“It’s sayin’ I want a Mississippi Mud Pie with sprinkles!”

Tommy’s eyes widened, then narrowed. “Hell, I coulda told you that.”

Corey frowned. “You’re right. You coulda.” He shelved the relic. “Last time I fall for that magic crap.”

 

[Elckerlyc]

Alrighty, now that the Jan contest is over (Theme: The Last One), I'd love to get some feedback on mine. What worked, what didn't, and what left you scratching your head?

The Magic is Over

Corey peered into the enchanted mirror.

“It’s true! It shows your deepest desire!”

“Bullsh**. How could some ol’ mirror know you better than you?” Tommy was fourteen and had no patience for his kid brother’s fairytales.

“It’s sayin’ I want a Mississippi Mud Pie with sprinkles!”

Tommy’s eyes widened, then narrowed. “Hell, I coulda told you that.”

Corey frowned. “You’re right. You coulda.” He shelved the relic. “Last time I fall for that magic crap.”

Your story got 2 votes, so it didn't do badly at all.
I thought the story was nice, but not remarkable, with a (funny) twist, or moving. Also, someone stating today 'last time' doesn't, in my view, cover the theme 'The Last One.' Perhaps, if it had been the last enchanted mirror that Corey, accidentally or on purpose, broke it would have been a different story.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@OuttaInc This is an interesting twist ending style story that does a good job of reflecting the mindset of a young boy. I feel for this type of story to work best, it needs to first build a false expectation and then end with the reveal. I suggest making the Mississippi Mud Pie line the final one in the story; the following text is really superfluous. I would also omit the line about Tommy. With the now available word count, one can mislead the reader by presenting grandiose expectations for Corey's desire. This would heighten the reveal of Corey's actual result. As it is, I did find it amusing, but I felt it could have leaned more into setting up the final twist.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Outtalnc, as mentioned 2 votes (2 more than I got!) is a good result. Personally I didn't really think that it fit the theme of 'The Last One', but this is subjective as others obviously did. I was a little confused as to how the magic mirror was telling him he wanted mud pie. I would consider perhaps describing an image of him eating mud pie, or showing him an image of one?

 

[OuttaInc]

Thanks, all. I appreciate the comments. Looks like I could've played up the theme a bit more, along with a stronger emotional payoff.

I really struggled this time around (more than previous months) which is why I was curious for some feedback on this one. In my mind, I was trying to capture that last spark of magic before a boy puts away his childish things and becomes a man. The twist being that the mirror was actually magic.

 

[mosaix]

I was quite happy with seven mentions/shortlists and three votes this month but, as always after posting, things occured to me about my entry that could have been improved on.

My entry for February:


Recycling…

Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench. A pile of infuriating junk!

He examined the circuit diagram again. He was sure he’d been close. Perhaps a wiring fault? Flawed logic? Ah yes! It was obvious now.

Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but a pair of broken wires momentarily touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…

Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench.


The intention was that the touching of the broken wires and the discharging of the capacitor corrected the wiring fault that Garrison had detected, causing the Lepotron to spring into life and take it and him back to the moment where he swept it off the bench and so on...

Two days after submission it occurred to me that the story could be read that somehow the discharge of the capacitor wrecked the thing and Garrison just swept it off the bench again. In other words just a simple story about waste rather than a time-travel tale.

I could have made things much clearer as follows:


Recycling…

10:47 am Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench. A pile of infuriating junk!

He examined the circuit diagram again. He was sure he’d been close. Perhaps a wiring fault? Flawed logic? Ah yes! It was obvious now.

Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but broken wires touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…

10:47 am Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench.


Needed? Too obvious? Any other comments?

 

[Hugh]

I was quite happy with seven mentions/shortlists and three votes this month but, as always after posting, things occured to me about my entry that could have been improved on.

My entry for February:


Recycling…

Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench. A pile of infuriating junk!

He examined the circuit diagram again. He was sure he’d been close. Perhaps a wiring fault? Flawed logic? Ah yes! It was obvious now.

Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but a pair of broken wires momentarily touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…

Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench.


The intention was that the touching of the broken wires and the discharging of the capacitor corrected the wiring fault that Garrison had detected, causing the Lepotron to spring into life and take it and him back to the moment where he swept it off the bench and so on...

Two days after submission it occurred to me that the story could be read that somehow the discharge of the capacitor wrecked the thing and Garrison just swept it off the bench again. In other words just a simple story about waste rather than a time-travel tale.

I could have made things much clearer as follows:


Recycling…

10:47 am Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench. A pile of infuriating junk!

He examined the circuit diagram again. He was sure he’d been close. Perhaps a wiring fault? Flawed logic? Ah yes! It was obvious now.

Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but broken wires touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…

10:47 am Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench.


Needed? Too obvious? Any other comments?

I got it the first time, but the new version is more explicit. I'm not sure which version I prefer though. Making it more explicit makes it an easier read, but somehow more obvious.

 

[Yozh]

I was quite happy with seven mentions/shortlists and three votes this month but, as always after posting, things occured to me about my entry that could have been improved on.

My entry for February:


Recycling…

Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench. A pile of infuriating junk!

He examined the circuit diagram again. He was sure he’d been close. Perhaps a wiring fault? Flawed logic? Ah yes! It was obvious now.

Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but a pair of broken wires momentarily touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…

Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench.


The intention was that the touching of the broken wires and the discharging of the capacitor corrected the wiring fault that Garrison had detected, causing the Lepotron to spring into life and take it and him back to the moment where he swept it off the bench and so on...

Two days after submission it occurred to me that the story could be read that somehow the discharge of the capacitor wrecked the thing and Garrison just swept it off the bench again. In other words just a simple story about waste rather than a time-travel tale.

I could have made things much clearer as follows:


Recycling…

10:47 am Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench. A pile of infuriating junk!

He examined the circuit diagram again. He was sure he’d been close. Perhaps a wiring fault? Flawed logic? Ah yes! It was obvious now.

Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but broken wires touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…

10:47 am Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench.


Needed? Too obvious? Any other comments?

I did get the "time loop" on my second read-through, but not on the first. If not the time stamp, then maybe a change in wording to make it clear to the electrically-illiterate that the machine kicked into gear.

 

[therapist]

For me it was already very clear what was happening. Mainly because you mentioned time travel machine, and then ended the story by repeating the first line.
I thought the story worked fine. But found it was a bit too run-of-the-mill to consider it for my short list.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

I was quite happy with seven mentions/shortlists and three votes this month but, as always after posting, things occured to me about my entry that could have been improved on.

My entry for February:


Recycling…

Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench. A pile of infuriating junk!

He examined the circuit diagram again. He was sure he’d been close. Perhaps a wiring fault? Flawed logic? Ah yes! It was obvious now.

Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but a pair of broken wires momentarily touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…

Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench.


The intention was that the touching of the broken wires and the discharging of the capacitor corrected the wiring fault that Garrison had detected, causing the Lepotron to spring into life and take it and him back to the moment where he swept it off the bench and so on...

Two days after submission it occurred to me that the story could be read that somehow the discharge of the capacitor wrecked the thing and Garrison just swept it off the bench again. In other words just a simple story about waste rather than a time-travel tale.

I could have made things much clearer as follows:


Recycling…

10:47 am Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench. A pile of infuriating junk!

He examined the circuit diagram again. He was sure he’d been close. Perhaps a wiring fault? Flawed logic? Ah yes! It was obvious now.

Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but broken wires touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…

10:47 am Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench.


Needed? Too obvious? Any other comments?

Yes, that was a good story and I think I gave it a mention. I found the first version clear enough. Like @therapist I think originality may have been an issue, simply because quirky time travel stories (with their inherent paradoxes) are very common. I think I suffered the same way this month, with talk of tulips and crypto-currencies being old hat.

 

[Shyrka]

I was quite happy with seven mentions/shortlists and three votes this month but, as always after posting, things occured to me about my entry that could have been improved on.

My entry for February:


Recycling…

Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench. A pile of infuriating junk!

He examined the circuit diagram again. He was sure he’d been close. Perhaps a wiring fault? Flawed logic? Ah yes! It was obvious now.

Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but a pair of broken wires momentarily touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…

Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench.


The intention was that the touching of the broken wires and the discharging of the capacitor corrected the wiring fault that Garrison had detected, causing the Lepotron to spring into life and take it and him back to the moment where he swept it off the bench and so on...

Two days after submission it occurred to me that the story could be read that somehow the discharge of the capacitor wrecked the thing and Garrison just swept it off the bench again. In other words just a simple story about waste rather than a time-travel tale.

I could have made things much clearer as follows:


Recycling…

10:47 am Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench. A pile of infuriating junk!

He examined the circuit diagram again. He was sure he’d been close. Perhaps a wiring fault? Flawed logic? Ah yes! It was obvious now.

Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but broken wires touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…

10:47 am Garrison swept the Lepotron, his latest time travel invention, off the bench.


Needed? Too obvious? Any other comments?

I understood what you were aiming for on the first read but it didn't quite flow right for me. I found this line in particular awkward:

"Contrite, he reached to recover and fix the thing but a pair of broken wires momentarily touched allowing a capacitor to discharge…"

Maybe by simply streamlining the line, it would work better? Something like:

"He reached for it, knocking a loose wire in the process. With a sharp crack, something discharged."

It needs work obviously, but it reads more smoothly IMO.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@mosaix, I preferred the first version. I felt it was clear enough as is and felt that the time references were too much. Technically, I don't think there is much to improve. The reason that it did not rank higher with me is that the Groundhog Day, time loop has been over done across the years. I almost expected the conclusion from the first mention of time machine. Well written story, the plot hook was just not there for me.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I think that the first version was understandable, and the inclusion of the time unnecessary.

As others have said, you could see the loop before it appeared. What an alternative could have been would be to shorten your sentences, and for the same event to happen twice (to show the loop) then only on the third occasion he throws it in the bin thinking it doesn't work, when all along it has been.

Hard to do in 75 words though!