Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Raz2k13]

I think the format is great, but it was just a little too vague for me; the why and the who. I suspected the waves or merfolk were 'they' but there wasnt a 'reveal' which tends to go well in the 75 word challenges. I liked the use of 'my' well worn path because if she/he is risking getting cuts using her own path (her own choice), then it hints at some form of self-deception and/or harm, but I don't think you meant that.

As far as first encounters with flash fic goes, I think you did a great job, but the pathos inferred came to comparatively little at the last line.

The thing with the challenges is they're best used as tools for your own writing elsewhere rather than aiming for wins -- although wins and votes are important, too. People are probably fatigued from my constant 'do the challenges!' cry when someone wants to improve their writing, but it's an incredible tool to sharpen your prose.

Upon reading this, I realize what I need to work on the most. I always try to have a big build to something and I think my 'reveal' makes sense but then with these critiques I realize that I am falling short. I definitely use these challenges as a way to push myself in ways I normally wouldn't. My ultimate goal in the end is to be able to come into one of these challenges and make a fully formed bit that reads well and makes sense from start to finish. My goal is to improve with every story I do.

'The shock of their cold and sway of their waves calmed me.'

In my head this line was supposed to really be the 'reveal'. Ultimately 'they' were used to personify the water as a living entity.

Thank you so much for you feedback!

 

[Raz2k13]

@Troyzan787 well in its own way its a good story, but from the story perspective—nothing changed, you use EXACTLY the same words, so it might have been just aN endless time loop where one need to repeat his own agony again and again. If that’s the case I’d Use ending to hint it out. If its not ,you could change just one word or make any note that the guy knows what happened before.
It kinda leaves me with simmilar feeling as if I have eaten popcorn… I digested something… Did I?
In my mind: story starts, stuff happened, story ends looping a start.

@Raz2k13
On one end : I simply have no idea what is it about, and who is who
on the other: the story i read:
“person sneaks out of a village to jump of a cliff to sea/ocean, to meet with some folk”?
It seems like you made 75 worder by cutting 150 words out of original.

You essentially summed it up. A person leaves their village to jump into a body of water that is living. As Pyrebrat said, I didn't have much of a reveal and that hurt the story. I have to work on not being so mysterious with my endings and make a clear cut conclusion, which I struggle with.

Honestly, I think I had like 120something words. Getting it down was a real struggle as I've never done anything so short. It was a learning experience. Thanks for your feedback!

@Troyzan787 .... I also feel that there was a lot of extra words which could have been used to the story more of a story with a beginning, middle, and end. I felt blindsided by the ending. I assumed it was a time loop but there was no hint that this was anything but an adventure story before the ending.

Also (picky I know) I was put off by the line the cold wetness filling his lungs. Cold wetness sounds like getting hit with a cold towel, not a drowning. I would like something more violently visceral in a drowning.

On the positive side I thought this was a clever use of the theme and genre, and it had real possibilities of being great.

--------

@Raz2k13 ..... In large part your story was a mystery to me. I couldn't sort any reason for rushing head long down a painful path. I certainly didn't have a clue as to who "they" were. I was left with too many questions to understand the story.

But, I thought your writing was very evocative. I could feel the pain and the determination. I felt the glow of being joined at the end. So I feel your writing has a lot of potential. For a first effort at a micro fiction I think you did well.

I think that mystery part is very hard for me. I want so hard to be elusive and not just come out right and say things and make someone think and question but I'm starting to realize I'm being so elusive that it just confuses everyone. I love a big build up to an explosive conclusion and I just can't seem to get it to translate just yet. I'm hoping the more I do these challenges and get feedback, the better I can become at building up and hitting a clear and concise end that doesn't leave the reader questioning and confused.

Thank you for your kind words and your feedback! I will be taking them and reflecting on how to do better for the next one!

 

[VRlass]

Honestly, I think I had like 120something words. Getting it down was a real struggle as I've never done anything so short. It was a learning experience. Thanks for your feedback!

<looks left, looks right>
Psst…
Try to start with an outline. 3 sentences could be enough.
than add what’s necessary if you struggle wit reducing try adding. Trust me fatting up, is way more rewarding than butchering and mutilating.
<runs away…>

 

[JS Wiig]

@Raz2k13 the mystery actually worked for me, at the end I realized that the they was water. I think the only thing it needed to really push it to the next level was a more visceral feel to it. There was a bit too much I did this, I did that instead of emotional immersion. Sorry I can’t offer any really better advice here on how to improve it because it’s something I need to work on myself.

Hope this helps and thanks for sharing!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

@Bruce MacLean - I liked your story but I didn't feel it had enough active-ness - the character felt a little bit passive.
@Troyzan787 - I struggled to find the speculative in yours - I think a few words saved might have given you room to have a bigger impact in the last line, maybe more of an ah-ha when we realised what was happening
@Raz2k13 - Pretty much what Phyre said. I liked the writing, just felt I needed a little more context.

When you're doing the 75 word (not that I'm any great shakes at it) it's all about impact. Quick, fast and dirty.

 

[Phyrebrat]

When you're doing the 75 word (not that I'm any great shakes at it) it's all about impact. Quick, fast and dirty

This! I think we’re our own worst enemy when it comes to micro fiction because SFF tend to be about big worlds or big ideas which require, obvs, big word counts.

The 75ers that I like best are more about tone than epic ness or sagas. And I find myself definitely going for tone and atmosphere in my own rather than classic structure.

I think a reveal can also be a pun (ugh), joke (hmmm), a reframing, and so on. When the word count limits us, get experimenting.

 

[Ursa major]

can also be a pun (ugh)

Ugh...?!

Oi!!!!!

(I think that's self-explanatory, which is useful when trying to keep the word count down.)

 

[Phyrebrat]

Ugh...?!

Oi!!!!!

(I think that's self-explanatory, which is useful when trying to keep the word count down.)

No I mean, obviously not a bad thing from the King O’ Puns.

 

[Raz2k13]

@Raz2k13 the mystery actually worked for me, at the end I realized that the they was water. I think the only thing it needed to really push it to the next level was a more visceral feel to it. There was a bit too much I did this, I did that instead of emotional immersion. Sorry I can’t offer any really better advice here on how to improve it because it’s something I need to work on myself.

Hope this helps and thanks for sharing!

Hey, I'll take it! I will have to strive for that in the next story, less action and more emotion. The word caps are what are really challenging me and I enjoy it and am frustrated by it at the same time. I want a big reveal and the reader to be there and feel it and then I run out of words and I'm left trying to make it make sense. That is the point of the whole exercise though and I like it.

Thanks for your feedback!

@Bruce MacLean - I liked your story but I didn't feel it had enough active-ness - the character felt a little bit passive.
@Troyzan787 - I struggled to find the speculative in yours - I think a few words saved might have given you room to have a bigger impact in the last line, maybe more of an ah-ha when we realised what was happening
@Raz2k13 - Pretty much what Phyre said. I liked the writing, just felt I needed a little more context.

When you're doing the 75 word (not that I'm any great shakes at it) it's all about impact. Quick, fast and dirty.

I will definitely be shooting for a more clear and concise story next time!

Thanks!

 

[JS Wiig]

I will have to strive for that in the next story, less action and more emotion.

I don’t think I would necessarily replace the action with emotion, but rather enhance the action with immersive physical and emotional description.

For example, you could write “I fell”, which may or may not be effective in the context. It could, if needed, be spiced up with immersive text such as the crazy feeling in the stomach or wind rushing by. And depending on the character’s state of mind they could be flying free like a bird or plummeting into a pit of despair.

This is definitely much more difficult with a very low word count, but that’s what makes it a challenge!

 

[JS Wiig]

So I was going for a creepy, drowning, Siren/mermaid thing here. It got a few mentions so didn’t fall totally flat, but would appreciate any thoughts on the matter. Thanks!

Into the Deep

Max watched the woman’s head disappear beneath the waves. Someone save her. No one else had seen. He couldn’t swim but dove overboard anyway.

Water engulfed him and he panicked. Something grabbed his leg as he struggled for the surface. Scaly hands gently cupped his face. A blurry figure kissed him—it was the woman.

You’re safe with me he heard, soothing. She held him tight against her body and pulled him under.

 

[THX1138]

@JS Wiig
I got that in the first 2 parts but in the 3ed part, I couldn't tell if he was being drowned or becoming a merman. I read it both ways.

'You’re safe with me he heard, soothing. She held him tight against her body and pulled him under.'

I feel that 'She gripped him tight against her body and drew him under.'
Or even, 'He gasped for breath as she tightly drew him under.'

Drew, pulled or what have you.

I enjoyed your descriptive writing, very visual!

 

[Parson]

I think this story worked. It was clear. It was graphic. It was emotionally gripping. But for me it is just not my kind of story. I loved that someone was willing to risk their life to save another. But when the other kills him for it, that's just a horror. I didn't get any sense of transformation or I might have liked it better.

 

[Elckerlyc]

So I was going for a creepy, drowning, Siren/mermaid thing here. It got a few mentions so didn’t fall totally flat, but would appreciate any thoughts on the matter. Thanks!

Your story didn't really speak to me. Would I be happy if it happened to me? Should I be happy for the person who was lured (did I understand that correctly?) to jump overboard and couldn't swim? Of course, none of these things should matter as long as the story is well-told. Which it was. But as voting goes, it doesn't ended up as a favorite of mine.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think this story worked. It was clear. It was graphic. It was emotionally gripping. But for me it is just not my kind of story. I loved that someone was willing to risk their life to save another. But when the other kills him for it, that's just a horror. I didn't get any sense of transformation or I might have liked it better.

Yes I felt what was missing was a resolution - that there was an outcome to what happened

 

[Phyrebrat]

So I was going for a creepy, drowning, Siren/mermaid thing here. It got a few mentions so didn’t fall totally flat, but would appreciate any thoughts on the matter. Thanks!

See, I quite like the existential feel of this -- bad things happen to good people, the trickster trope, and certainly it's on brand for merfolk to be tricksy -- and I tend to write about the bitternesses of life myself, so it chimed. The use of the word 'safe' is a great choice IMO because it then casts light on the intentions of the mermaid. Was she helping him, or was she killing him? I like open-ended stories like this.

I think for me to have listed your story, I would have needed a slightly bigger sense of betrayal, or stakes. Seems insane saying the stakes should be higher when the MC ends up drowning, I know, but what I mean is I needed more of a kick.

Anyway, it was one of the stronger entries and very cleanly written, and I could have shortlisted it just as likely as not. I wonder if it might have worked for me if it wasn't merfolk only because I'm not too keen on them as a 'subject'. In that regard it has nothing to do with your skills as a writer but my own prejudices (actually, let's call them 'preferences' ).

How did you feel about the story? When you read it, do you think 'Yep, nailed it.' or 'still something not...quite...right.'? I often post stuff because of the deadline not because I'm happy with the thing. Who was it said "stories escape, they're never finished"? I'm probably conflating a few quotes there, but my point is we can all be a bit George Lucas-y with our output.

I'd considered putting my Styx story up here because it did so poorly for mentions and votes, but TBH I was very very happy with what it was. I just had this image of a person standing on a grey-everything bank of a grey river waiting for the Ferryman to take her away but he wouldn't. This is a personal experience for me as me and Charon are great mates But seriously, in my youth, my many brushes with suicide and depression inform so much of my writing. The idea of being desperate to die but not being able to is ... terrifying to me. It's like the end of Stephen King's The Jaunt. That poor 11 year old kid spends eternity in the Jaunt and comes back indescribably changed. In addition to that I was inspired by the best-ever version of Song To The Siren by This Mortal Coil. Anyway, it got no votes but I was pleased with it.

Anyway, no one asked me about mine 75 and here I am waffling on about it.

Hope (some of) this helps

 

[Troyzan787]

@JS Wiig This definitely helps! I will try to push the boundaries more and rely less on tropes.

@Peter V Good point, with only 75 words to work with I will keep my budget in mind.

@VRlass and @Elckerlyc You guys have made me realize that while I, as the writer, have a certain subtext in my mind. My readers won't know that is there unless I put it there. A good lesson that I will learn from. Thanks!

Thank you everyone for the helpful feedback!

 

[JS Wiig]

@Phyrebrat thank you for the kind words I greatly appreciate it.

As to how I felt about the story, I agree 100% they are never finished and I’ll never be 100% satisfied. I’ve found the longer I sit on an entry, the more I tinker with it, trying to find the perfect word or phrasing to convey deeper meaning. The more I tinker the more sterile the piece becomes, losing the rawness of the initial draft that, for me at least, gives it a bit more edge or punch. So I usually revise a few times then say to heck with it and hit submit.

Like you have said before about your entries, I also think mine are pretty good and sit back and wait for the votes!

 

[Phyrebrat]

The more I tinker the more sterile the piece becomes, losing the rawness of the initial draft that, for me at least, gives it a bit more edge or punch

I can totally relate. When I used to write and produce music I always preferred my demos to the production versions.

 

[Bruce MacLean]

@Bruce MacLean - I liked your story but I didn't feel it had enough active-ness - the character felt a little bit passive.
@Troyzan787 - I struggled to find the speculative in yours - I think a few words saved might have given you room to have a bigger impact in the last line, maybe more of an ah-ha when we realised what was happening
@Raz2k13 - Pretty much what Phyre said. I liked the writing, just felt I needed a little more context.

When you're doing the 75 word (not that I'm any great shakes at it) it's all about impact. Quick, fast and dirty.

Thanks for that @Jo Zebedee , I'll explore un-passivicityness next time