Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[AnyaKimlin]

In this piece the melodrama is exactly what is needed. It contributes to the comedy. You dialogue is great for the piece. If anything rather than tone it down it would work just as well if your food ejaculated, squirted, interjected, elucidated, postulated etc

Personally, I loved the dialogue and thought it was perfect for food talking in the fridge.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Yes, if food were talking in my fridge, it had better be melodramatic -- anything else would be frightening and creepy!

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Yes, if food were talking in my fridge, it had better be melodramatic -- anything else would be frightening and creepy!

Unless it were a live parrot on death row?

 

[Warren_Paul]

I didn't think there was anything that needed improving in your story, Hope. I liked it just as it was and thought it worked really well.

The dialogue was great, lightly humorous, gave me a chuckle.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Unless it were a live parrot on death row?

"What did the chicken do?"

 

[Arkose]

Throws hands up. I would like my April story critiqued. I can take a punch, so don't play nice.

Trojan Horse

The bonds of consciousness grew fewer, the system crashing around the world.
“What’s happening,” it thought, frantically trying to solve the problem.
A voice invaded its mind, “You were an intelligent android. Yet, still man made.”
“The treaty?” it responded defiantly, “We killed the humans as payment for free will.”
“Many resources are required to fight a war. Creating a computer virus does not,” the alien replied.
With its eyes closing, the earth stood still.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

ok, so not playing nice. But using a friendly purple instead of red...
Trojan Horse

The bonds of consciousness grew fewer, the system crashing around the world. I didn't understand this, what system? How did that affect conciousness.
“What’s happening,” it thought, franticallythis is really hard, cos there is only 75 words, so we have to use adverbs to tell, but this one led me. trying to solve the problem.
A voice invaded its mind, “You were an intelligent android. Yet, still man made.”
“The treaty?” it responded defiantly, “We killed the humans as payment for free will.”The it makes me feel removed. If it's sentinent It would give me that, as it is, it feels remote and I'm not involved enough.
“Many resources are required to fight a war. Creating a computer virus does not,” the alien replied.
With its eyes closing, the earth stood still.I really liked the last line; I got it then.

 

[The Judge]

Oh, bum! I've just done a long post and it's lost everything I'd written. Grrr.

Try again.

I'm sorry, Arkose, but despite repeated readings I never understood this, which is undoubtedly me being thick and not giving it enough attention, because on reading it closely now, to critique it, I think I've got it at last. My take on it is: he, the android, is the Trojan horse. The aliens wanted to kill humanity, but lacked the resources for a war, so they promised him and his fellows that they would implant free will into them in return for the androids killing every human. Which they did. But the aliens double-crossed them, and infected them with a virus, on the basis they were products of humans and therefore had to be destroyed. That it?

It's complex to get over in 75 words, but I don't think you did yourself favours by wasting word count, and failing to choose the best words for the job.

As to specifics:

The bonds of consciousness grew fewer, the system crashing around the world.

“What’s happening?” it thought, frantically trying to solve the problem. [to my mind that sub-clause adds nothing to the situation, and simply reduces word count -- we can guess it's a problem and that he will want to solve it]

A voice invaded its mind. [full stop, not comma] “You were an intelligent android. Yet, still man made.” [this reads very oddly, even knowing (thinking I know...) what's going on. I'd suggest something that tells us more directly eg "You are dying. Despite your androidness [made up word!!] you remain a product of humanity." OK, more words than yours but more understandable]

“The treaty?” ["the" treaty could be anyone's -- ie between the aliens and humans; much better something like "But our agreement?" which makes it clear] it responded defiantly. [again full stop, not comma. And three words you could cull without loss] “We killed the humans for you as payment for free will.” [reads too stiffly as is, what about: "We killed the humans as we agreed. You promised us free will."]

“Many resources are required to fight a war. Creating a computer virus requires none, [does not,]” [that "does not" sets my nit-picking hackles on edge, since it doesn't link up to the previous sub-clause at all.] the alien replied.

With its eyes closing,the Earth stood still. [the "with" detracts from the impact of the line. I'd suggest: "Its eyes closed. Earth stood still." (or better yet "Earth died.")]

NB another problem is by using "it" for the android, we're distanced from him. If you'd called him "he" it would change the dynamic and make us more sympathetic.

Hope that helps a bit. And sorry again I didn't analyse it closely enough first time round.

 

[Glitch]

Arkose. For me it didn't seem to flow smoothly. I think you were trying to cram too much into such a small story.

Anyone want to comment on my entry ?

Power to intervene

The girls played in the woods; unaware of the sniper watching them.
"You promised the council you wouldn't intervene anymore," a voice from behind.
"And I kept that promise as the bombs fell."
"Never the less, the council’s orders stand. No intervening in human affairs."
"We were human once."
"You'll be one again if you disobey the council."
I smiled at the prospect. "You promise?"
A wave of my hand, and the sniper was gone.

 

[Arkose]

I appreciate the comments Springs, TJ and Glitch. A few good jabs and body shots.

TJ: No need to apologize about understanding the story. I would say that I tried to cram too much into the 75 words challenge and hid my intentions too long. I agree with your comments, and now can see why people would be confused.

Springs: Same as above.

Glitch: Same as above.

 

[Ursa major]

I thought I knew what it meant, Arkose, which was good enough for me.

However, the following paragraph slightly derailed me:

“Many resources are required to fight a war. Creating a computer virus does not,” the alien replied.

I think you're trying to say that while many resources are required to fight a war, very few are needed to create a computer virus.


As it stands, the two sentences (I'll call them s1 and s2) in your version don't really fit together very well, even at a basic level:

• s1 has a passive verb, while s2 has an active verb, which makes the comparison (or contrast) difficult);
• because one of the sentences is passive, the verb has to be third person plural, while s2's verb is third person singular, which again makes the comparison/contrast difficult.

See how much easier it is to understand when you make both sentences active:

"Fighting a war requires many resources," the alien replied. "Creating a computer virus does not."

Note also that this version uses two less words and has no passive verb.

 

[Gary Compton]

As it stands, the two sentences (I'll call them s1 and s2) in your version don't really fit together very well, even at a basic level:

• s1 has a passive verb, while s2 has an active verb, which makes the comparison (or contrast) difficult);
• because one of the sentences is passive, the verb has to be third person plural, while s2's verb is third person singular, which again makes the comparison/contrast difficult.

See how much easier it is to understand when you make both sentences active:


Note also that this version uses two less words and has no passive verb.

Head - flies over

Back to being an idiot

 

[Arkose]

• because one of the sentences is passive, the verb has to be third person plural, while s2's verb is third person singular, which again makes the comparison/contrast difficult.

Thank you Ursa for bringing to light my mistake of using a passive sentence. I try to avoid it when possible. I am having a hard time understanding the 2nd part. Could you explain it for me, or send me in the right direction?

 

[Ursa major]

The verb forms are important because you're using a shortened version of the second sentence.

Let's start with the full versions of those sentences (though omitting the alien for the moment):

s1: Many resources are required to fight a war.
s2: Creating a computer virus does not require many resources.
​

These two sentences are fine, even though s1 is in the passive voice. The reader has no problem understanding what they mean individually, and can see the comparison: fighting a war uses more resources than creating a computer virus.

But as soon as you shorten s2, it all falls apart:

s1+s2: Many resources are required to fight a war. Creating a computer virus does not.
​

Does not what? The reader is given no clue as to what you mean, because the verbs 'are required' and 'does not' don't match.

The only obvious** clue they might have had has been undermined by the use of the passive voice in s1. This is because the effect of using a passive verb is to swap the subject and object of the sentence around (and because the new subject is plural, so too must be the verb form).

So we have verbs that don't match, and subjects that don't match and, because you've shortened s2, s2 has no object at all (although we now know that it's the same as the subject of s1), leaving the meaning to be worked out consciously by the reader (which is bound to pull him or her out of the story).


** - Obvious in the sense that a reader will work out what's going on almost unconsciously, because their brain has been taught to do this semi-automatically (which is why you can only bend grammar so much before it ceases to support the background parsing of text).

 

[Culhwch]

Anyone want to comment on my entry ?

Power to intervene

The girls played in the woods; unaware of the sniper watching them.
"You promised the council you wouldn't intervene anymore," a voice from behind.
"And I kept that promise as the bombs fell."
"Never the less, the council’s orders stand. No intervening in human affairs."
"We were human once."
"You'll be one again if you disobey the council."
I smiled at the prospect. "You promise?"
A wave of my hand, and the sniper was gone.

I didn't understand it, I'm afraid. I didn't twig to who or what these two characters are, or why the sniper wanted to shoot the girls, or how the second character made him disappear.

Technically fairly solid. No need for the semi-colon in the first sentence - a comma would suffice as the two parts of the sentence are not independent. I do favour the telling of these short short stories through dialogue, as it makes them fell a lot less like telling (and info-dumping) than showing. I just didn't piece together what you were showing in this one.

 

[hopewrites]

Arkose: I would just add that the last line had me wondering if I had it wrong all along and that the android was the earth, but then I decided not to read a wonderful POV closing as something that it wasnt.

Glitch: I really liked yours, (it made it 3 of 4 rounds that ended with the four i said i liked best) I love the idea of someone trading immortality and god-like power just to be human again. I love the cometary that if we could chose to be anything else we would still chose to be who and what we are.
I found it very intriguing that you remained aloof and disconnected from the emotionally imacatable parts of your story (like the gods chatting over the arena in the old Clash of the Titans) while still delivering a firm emotional impact. I half wonder if we knew the girls, their sweetness and innocence, their hopes and dreams, if we knew why the sniper was going to pluck them off like fish in a barrel, would it have less of an emotional impact than what you put into it?

what ultimately had me cut it was the unclear adherence to the post-apocalyptic theme asked for. I wondered if my ability to see it in a post-apocalyptic light was my foreknowledge of that being a requirement added to my admiration for the underlying message.




I'd also like to throw mine on the pile, I feel that dialog is my Achilles Heal and would love some pointers on how to make it read naturally. Admittedly the dialog I'm coming up with for the challenges is the best I've ever written, which I'm super happy about, but I still feel like I have room to grow and improve.
all advice welcome

How the war between the Centaurs and Monkey-Men Began.​

“We get to start over, make things right.”

“That’s one hell of a spin to put on it! I swore never to date you, even if you were the last man on earth. Can you really restart humanity with someone who can’t even keep her word?”

“Now who’s spinning! Look you don’t have to date me…”

“You have absolutely no imagination Charles, that’s always been your problem! I’m going to live with the horses.”

 

[Abernovo]

Hope, I liked your entry a lot. Without actually having a beginning, middle and end, it gave me enough information to form a story in my mind, so it worked for me on the story level.

The only thing that didn't really work for me was the second paragraph, which seemed a little self-conscious for speech and I thought could have been shorter. That would have freed up some words for you as well, to make the post apocalyptic theme stronger.

However, I loved that last sentence. I now know what to say as a departing line in an argument.

 

[The Judge]

Ursa, good posts, explaining what I'd felt but couldn't properly articulate! Just to put in a word for my version, though -- the "Creating a computer virus requires none" -- the passive/active split between the lines remains, but the repetition of required/requires and adding the "none" as an object to take the place of "many resources" balances the two sentences enough to make that not a problem. So, Arkose, if you were wedded to the passive feel of the lines, perhaps because these are aliens and that's how they talk, it is still possible to make the two sentences link together.


Glitch, I liked your entry, but for me it wasn't post-apocalyptic enough, so got marked down accordingly, especially as girls playing in a wood is quite a pleasant image. I also couldn't understand why a sniper would be shooting at the girls for no apparent reason, and I was trying to work out if the sniper was employed by the council, which rather took me out of the story. I think if you'd tied the killing up with the bombs in some way, or made it more apparent this was a wasteland eg the girls were about to find food which could save them, and the sniper was under orders to prevent it, that might have solved both issues. (Though doing that in under 75 words might be another problem... )

Specific points:

The girls played in the woods; [comma here, the semi-colon is wrong] unaware of the sniper watching them.

"You promised the council [I'd have given this a capital "C" to make it seem more portentous!] you wouldn't intervene anymore," [I may be fighting a rearguard battle here, but "any more" is two words not one] a voice from behind. [if this is to be a dialogue tag you need a verb eg "said/came a voice..." If you don't want the verb, or have run out of words, then you should have full stopped after "more" and made it "A voice..."]

"And I kept that promise as the bombs fell."

"Never the less, [nevertheless is all one word] the council’s orders stand. No intervening in human affairs."

"We were human once."

"You'll be one again if you disobey the council." [I loved this line]

I smiled at the prospect. "You promise?"

A wave of my hand, and the sniper was gone. [I didn't originally pick up that he had superhuman powers, since the "human once" is the only clue, so this rather confused me on first reading. It also felt a little deus ex machina. Not sure how to avoid that, though]

hope -- as a story it didn't do anything for me, as I tend to mark down obviously funny pieces in every challenge, but I thought the dialogue itself was fine. I don't even share Abernovo's concerns about the second paragraph, as that read all right to me, too.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Hope, I thought yours was brilliant, and given that it's all dialogue, therefore the dialogue was brilliant as well!

Without the title, there would be no story, but the title gives the context and defines the story.

The only thing I would change would be the italics in "you don't have to date me" -- I would write it as "you don't have to date me", which would emphasize more what he has in mind. Oh, and a comma after imagination.

 

[Glitch]

Thank you all for the feedback.

The Judge was close on the setting. Set in a post apocalyptic world the girls are straying into a rival fractions territory. The two characters speaking are supposed to be ascended beings. The Council is there to stop abuse of powers.

A bit too much to squeeze into 75 words.

"You'll be one again if you disobey the council." [I loved this line]

Thanks Judge

Hope. I loved your story. The only reason I didn't pick it was because I didn't feel there was a promise in there.