Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Parson]

Other than that, I think it just came up short (sigh, again no pun intended) in the story department. Though it implies a lot of time and action, it doesn't really give me the feel of having a lot going on. I like the concept, but it's kind of distant.

Ditto!

Warren Paul
I'm not sure that your story couldn't be done in 75 words. If I were to give it a go, I would begin with a little dialogue. Something along the lines of "Mom, how come whenever I'm bad one of my friends disappear?" and then fill in the rest of the story with her answer, concluding with the child's decision.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Oh right, good point. That isn't as creepy as I was going for, but you're correct, it adds a bit more story to it.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

WP:I think for me, in line with an awful lot of the entries, including my own, the magical element wasn't hidden enough to be real, if that makes sense. I think that was the really hard bit, to make the magic mundane enough to be invisible. I had no problem understanding the premise, though.

 

[TacticalLoco]

For me the plot or character development is always the hard part in flash fiction.
Do you guys remember Teresa's story from the weird western month? It should be in a text book. She told a woman's entire life story in those 75 words. Amazing!

 

[The Judge]

Warren, for me the fact it was less a story (ie things happening) than a reflection isn't necessarily fatal to a piece, and I've written some like it myself, though here, as TDZ says, there's a distancing effect which I think isn't appropriate to show the fear in the boy's mind. I think you could do it in 75. Unlike Parson, though, I'd be more direct eg "Paul vanished yesterday."

However, for me the piece failed to make my non-existent short list because it didn't fit with my definitions of magic realism or uncanny -- but then only a few stories hit the spot for me on that score.

 

[Warren_Paul]

For me the plot or character development is always the hard part in flash fiction.
Do you guys remember Teresa's story from the weird western month? It should be in a text book. She told a woman's entire life story in those 75 words. Amazing!

I wasn't a member then, but will have to look it up. What month was it?

Thanks for the comments, everyone, good to know where I went wrong with it.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

That would be January 2012.

 

[Warren_Paul]

That would be January 2012.

Oh right, so I was a member, just hadn't read this forum back then.

And yes, that probably was when it all went wrong. Jan 2012.

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

As far as the uncanny magical realism month went, I was pleasantly surprised at getting any votes at all. I feel like I had the uncanny part down, the mystery of the lake, but the only hint I put in at magical realism were the mention of Nereids, and I wasn't entirely sure that that had been enough, even though the way I set it up was to hint that encounters with such beings were an everyday affair...

 

[Gary Compton]

For me the plot or character development is always the hard part in flash fiction.
Do you guys remember Teresa's story from the weird western month? It should be in a text book. She told a woman's entire life story in those 75 words. Amazing!

Just read Teresa's story again. It was fantastic. I didn't get it first time I read it probably because I'm as thick as a castle wall

 

[Warren_Paul]

Just read Teresa's story again. It was fantastic. I didn't get it first time I read it probably because I'm as thick as a castle wall

Yeah I read it earlier, was really good. I believe I got it.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

As far as the uncanny magical realism month went, I was pleasantly surprised at getting any votes at all. I feel like I had the uncanny part down, the mystery of the lake, but the only hint I put in at magical realism were the mention of Nereids, and I wasn't entirely sure that that had been enough, even though the way I set it up was to hint that encounters with such beings were an everyday affair...

I thought yours was very clever, Karn. The magical creatures were known to be trouble, so people stayed away, but it was really a ruse to keep the great beach hidden from the public. (Assuming that I interpreted it correctly, of course, or I'll have Easter egg on my face for this one.)

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

I thought yours was very clever, Karn. The magical creatures were known to be trouble, so people stayed away, but it was really a ruse to keep the great beach hidden from the public. (Assuming that I interpreted it correctly, of course, or I'll have Easter egg on my face for this one.)

No, it was not a beach. Crier's Lake was supposed to be a woodlands lake in the middle of the Oregon Coastal mountain range.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Hmm ... well, it was clever anyway.

I went back and looked at it again, and I can still see why I thought beach (not ocean beach, since obviously it's a lake, but lakeshore type beach), although I can't for the life of me think why paradise = beach in my mind. I don't even like beaches. Too much water, sand in everything, people everywhere, ugh. Anyway, it would make much more sense in my head as a good fishing hole, which of course would be hidden from the public with scary stories, but for some reason I didn't read it that way.

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Hmm ... well, it was clever anyway.

I went back and looked at it again, and I can still see why I thought beach (not ocean beach, since obviously it's a lake, but lakeshore type beach), although I can't for the life of me think why paradise = beach in my mind. I don't even like beaches. Too much water, sand in everything, people everywhere, ugh. Anyway, it would make much more sense in my head as a good fishing hole, which of course would be hidden from the public with scary stories, but for some reason I didn't read it that way.

See, the thing is, it wasn't set up to be a paradise of what we would think of in a traditional sense. The way I was hoping to read it was, either a paradise like Atlantis, or the road of "blessed eternal darkness", i.e., death. The kelpie pulled the narrator under the lake's surface into its depths, which is what kelpie were wont to do in Scottish/Celtic folklore.

 

[hopewrites]

I'm trying to work on writing speakable dialog. (you know, dialog that might actually come from realish people) And would like to know how that is coming along. All critique welcome of course, but I'm especially keen to know how my dialog is coming along. I have been afraid to use it for so long because what I have written in the past has been such ridiculous drivel even at my most melodramatic I wouldnt have said most of it.

What Food Had to Say​

“I hereby call this meeting to order.” Meatloaf impatiently intoned.
“Not until we address the shameless state of some of the fruits in here!” Pickle Relish interjected.
“NO CANS ALLOWED!” The chant began.
“They make us taste all tinny” someone unseen and mold-covered called from the far back corner.
“The smell!” Onion complained.

*****​

By next morning there was a sign, in ketchup, on the fridge door.

“No Open Containers Admitted”​

 

[TheDustyZebra]

See, the thing is, it wasn't set up to be a paradise of what we would think of in a traditional sense. The way I was hoping to read it was, either a paradise like Atlantis, or the road of "blessed eternal darkness", i.e., death. The kelpie pulled the narrator under the lake's surface into its depths, which is what kelpie were wont to do in Scottish/Celtic folklore.

Ok, never mind. I guess it was too clever for me.

I'm especially keen to know how my dialog is coming along..

Hope, I think the dialog was perfect for what it was. The dialog tags are very melodramatic, but this wasn't intended to be a serious piece. The punctuation is a bit off, but I'm torn as to exactly what I'd do with it. A comma after "order" and a comma after "tinny", and possibly a colon after "fridge door", but I'm not sure if I'd do anything with the sentences that end with exclamation points.

I really liked it, particularly the terrific groan I got from realizing the "uncanny" part.

 

[hopewrites]

thank you, I laughed deprecatingly at myself for about 20min before I could even sit down to write once the pun hit me. I was actually half way through writing a post that said "I cant think of anything uncanny for my food to do or say" and only got as far as uncan before the obvious answer smacked me cross the face. So the original idea of a peach who thought she was the sun never fully ripened.

I hate to leave speach tags off, though I've seen it done often enough, I always feel I loose the thread of who is saying what. its quite possible i'm too controlling over the intonations that i want heard in my dialog.
is there a way to just trust the readers to hear it right? (heck half the time the people i'm talking to dont hear it right and i DO have control over the intonation in my voice) or say what i did less melodramatically?

 

[TheDustyZebra]

“I hereby call this meeting to order.” Meatloaf pounded a spoon.

"We must address the shameless state of some of the fruits in here,” Pickle Relish began.

“NO CANS ALLOWED!” The chant echoed off the walls. "NO CANS ALLOWED!"

“They make us taste all tinny,” complained a moldy voice from the far back corner.

“The smell is awful!" Onion sniffled.

*****​

Next morning there was a sign, in ketchup, on the fridge door:

“No Open Containers”.​

That makes it a little less melodramatic, hopefully retaining some tones of humor at the same time. I think I managed to keep it at 75 words, there.

I try to keep the "said" words to a minimum, instead using descriptions of the action to point out who is talking. I don't object to dialog tags at all, but I prefer to keep tabs on the speakers by way of giving them something to do while they are talking, instead.

Anyway, I wouldn't say mine is better than what you already had -- I liked what you already had, melodrama and all. It was, after all, a melodrama ... wasn't it?

 

[hopewrites]

well yes, but only becuase I excel at that. and i'm trying to less-cel(?) at it... *confused self*