Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Abernovo]

I got Das Unheimliche is The Uncanny and at the end, is that: Attack squadron 55 "Griffin Suadron"?

My problem was that I didn't get the significance of the 'exalted angels' or the beetles in relation to a downed bomber at the height of the Battle of Britain. It was beautiful, descriptive writing, though.

 

[stormcrow]

Thanks Abernovo. I'm glad you liked it.

You are spot-on. Glad it made some sense to you.

RAF pilots insignia was their 'wings'; hence 'angels'. The beetles are the local trophy-hunters and salvage crews.

I saw griffin - aircraft - and not necessarily of our reality.

 

[hopewrites]

wow I missed the metaphor completely! i thought it was a beautiful description of a griffin slain by angels and about to be devoured by bugs. and then entered into an encyclopedia. assumed the entry meant it was the last griffin. and wished it had been a story about how it had been killed in an epic last stand with some angels rather than a cold if eloquent entry in an encyclopedia.

 

[Abernovo]

Thanks Abernovo. I'm glad you liked it.

You are spot-on. Glad it made some sense to you.

RAF pilots insignia was their 'wings'; hence 'angels'. The beetles are the local trophy-hunters and salvage crews.

I saw griffin - aircraft - and not necessarily of our reality.

Ah, pilots' insignia and trophy-hunters. Now it's coming together. A slightly surreal entry, which is never a bad thing. Perhaps even a little nod to Kafka with the beetle reference.

I like it even more now.

 

[stormcrow]

Hello!

I’ve had time to digest the feedback provided – thanks once again. To have something I’ve written described as ‘beautiful’ in this context is really heart-warming.

Mosaix, The Judge, Parson, TDZ, Hopewrites : I think HareBrain and Abernovo have teased-out the vitals of my idea, and I can’t really offer too much more, but here goes:

I wanted the story to work in either reality (magical/mythical or real) and in parallel. Hopefully, the story was there to be seen – griffin brought to ground by angels, mortally wounded, and yet to be ‘recycled’ – as is nature’s way.

Yes, I am definitely guilty of extending my metaphors!

The title itself translates as ‘The Uncanny’, but for me this goes further and can be read as “things that are out of place; strange yet familiar”

I had tried to create a Marquez-like atmosphere in the first two paragraphs to adhere to the ‘magical realism’ genre, not realising the need to be more literal in the actual interaction between realities; must try harder!

By way of interest, I’d tried the words ‘stricken griffin’ at various paragraph endings and openings, and probably went for the wrong one, striving to avoid revealing that particular image too early.

On reflection, perhaps the final line continuing as prose would have been more satisfying to read than the make, model and registration number of an individual aircraft (although I’m not sure what I’d have written) – it does seem to have been this that caused most comment.

I’ll take Aber’s observation about my ‘beetles’ and Kafka as a massive compliment – an unintentional nod, but a likely influence! I enjoy the surreal and for me it wasn’t out of place in this piece.

Again, Thank You.

 

[mosaix]

Stormcrow, thanks for the explanation - it makes more sense now.

I didn't understand the title, and please don't take this personally, but I flat refuse to look anything up relating to the stories before voting. To me, the unique aspect of the challenge is the 75 (or 300) word limit. I think the story has to be told within the word limit and be self-contained, if it isn't then the author has, in part, failed the challenge. If there's some reference I don't understand then the rest of the story has to be good enough to make up for that before I would consider voting for it.

I expect others to judge my own entries in the same way.

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

I don't suppose we can just poke our entries in the arses with pitchforks to plod them along?

 

[stormcrow]

Mosaix - fair point, well made!

After you with the pitchfork please, Karn!

 

[Moonbat]

I thought, last month, that I had a really good idea, but that I failed to execute it properly. Perp's review didn't quite get the point of my story and he usually does, I don't usually go too cryptic. Here is an entry I didn't post as I thought it lacked story telling, but I feel it got the idea across better.

A Simple Spell

“You know that elusive spell I've been searching for?”

“The one that will make people do as you ask?”

“I've found it.”

“really? The materials must be rare.”

“Nope.”

“A tricky technical concoction?”

“No recipe, its a verbal spell.”

“An impossible pronunciation.”

“Just one simple word.”

“One word?”

“One magic word.”

“Tell me what it is.”

“Say please.”


Compared to the entry I did post.


A Simple Spell

The hobo wizard, reeking of Leprechaun whiskey, slumped into the chair opposite me, “I've found it!” he proclaimed.

He'd spent his life searching for a spell to ensure people obeyed his wishes.

“Has it rare materials or a trickyconcoction?” I asked, aware of his efforts to focus on the bottle beside me.

“Just one word.”

“One word? Tell me!”

He smiled and produced a hip flask.

“Say please.”


I think by concentrating on the Leprechaun whiskey I made it look like he just wanted a drink and not that 'Please' was the magic word.

 

[choccoweeble]

I think by concentrating on the Leprechaun whiskey I made it look like he just wanted a drink and not that 'Please' was the magic word.

I understood it as you intended - personally I prefer the more subtle version you originally posted, but others may disagree

 

[Warren_Paul]

I also understood it as you intended, Moonbat, so maybe not so bad as you might think?

Personally, I actually like your drunk hobo version better.

 

[Abernovo]

Moonbat, I love the alternative version. I'm sorry to say that one works much better for me. The one you posted in the challenge lost me a little (but that could just be me). I think I was looking for hidden meanings (if that's the phrase I'm looking for) in the prose sentences. I got the 'please' being the magic word, though.

It's just that, written as a conversation, it seems so much more immediate to me. I have to say, I really like the back and forth in it, too, which makes it vibrant. And I disagree that it lacks storytelling. I thought, in the alternative, it was perfect storytelling, with one person recounting a story and getting prompts from the second character to drive it on.

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted.

 

[Aaron Stone]

These are two entries I decided against last month. Any thoughts?




​

Here There Be Pests​

"Damn'd pests. They've eat'n through the wall!" complained Avery.

Mary laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Maybe try sett'n somma the traps?" Avery grudgingly agreed.

§
​

"Dear!" came a gruff shout. "Can ye give me an hand wi' this?"

Together they got it set up round the hole. By stepping on a chair and stretching, Avery was able to reach the top and string the wire.

It wasn't enough. The dragons got them that night.

Rasputin's Revenge
​

The runes covering the page were eerily familiar, but I didn't have time to think about it.

I uttered the spell, making sure to pronounce the ancient words carefully. One mispronounced syllable was all it took to-

Suddenly I realized why the spell had looked so familiar. It was the very same fake incantation that I'd used years before to trick Rasputin.

As blood drained from my quickly rotting body, I cursed his undead soul.

 

[Parson]

Moonbat

There is no accounting for taste, but although I got your post well enough, I thought the first one was much cleaner and carried a more potent punch. The second seemed to center on characters which as the first example showed were not really needed. However, I would judge that they both lacked in the "story" department.

Why were they looking for a magic spell to make people do things? Was there a need for things to change? A need for help? Had there been a catastrophe? It seems simple, but every story needs a beginning, a middle, and an end. With 75 words that's tricky, but doable. We have uncounted examples. I would say both of your examples had no beginning. Which is a shame, because your idea in my opinion was absolutely first rate.

Aaron Stone

I think the second story is much superior to the first. I don't understand the relationship of the two paragraphs in the first example.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Moonbat, I think I like the first one better, but I would still say that it's short (no pun intended) in the story department. I thought the drunk hobo leprechaun was a bit contrived in the posted version. And (like many entries this month) I'm not convinced of the uncanny in either of these. It may be a matter of my definition.

Aaron, I like the second one better of these two, but the one you posted was far better.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Here was my story from last month. Curious to get some opinions on it, what it was missing, was there anything I did right with it, etc.

I think Perpetual Man was pretty spot on with his review of it. It's supposed to show that there are supernatural beings that hide in the shadows, watching children, to make sure that they behave themselves, and when they don't, the children vanish, without a trace.

Made two changes, a grammar fix, and changed one "them" to "friends".

Anyway, thoughts anyone?

EDIT: Made a few other grammar changes, not sure if right though, but felt right to me.

***​

The Observers


In the shadows they are watching, from the corner of your eye.

If you’re good, they will leave you presents - like Santa Claus - or so Mother said.

But nobody speaks of what happens when you’re bad. One day, at school, you find friends gone, their desks empty.

I sit here now, alone at my desk. I wait for them to come, to take me away.

They know I’ve been bad. The Observers always know.

*​

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Well, I found one way to improve the 75 challenge:


Don't confuse its discussion thread with the 300 challenge one.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Well, I found one way to improve the 75 challenge:


Don't confuse its discussion thread with the 300 challenge one.

Yes, that certainly would be confusing.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Warren, you just fixed the thing that was my biggest problem with it, which was the "they" in the wrong place.

Other than that, I think it just came up short (sigh, again no pun intended) in the story department. Though it implies a lot of time and action, it doesn't really give me the feel of having a lot going on. I like the concept, but it's kind of distant.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Thanks TDZ. So it probably needs more words than I'm allowed in-order to work. That's cool, might make a good 300 word one day.

And yeah, that misplaced "them" really annoyed me all last month.