Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Jo Zebedee]

I've been waiting to post this here all month. I was worried it didn't have much fantasy element in it, and I question the punctuation. Any and all thoughts would be appreciated.​

Hope, for me the fantasy element was hard to find. It was a nice poem, although I'm no expert, and I had no problems with punctuation etc. I, generally, though prefer the slightly darker entries, so perhaps found it a little -- erm -- hopeful. Sorry.

All the above and more; any comments are welcome as I’m failing very badly to get any votes for my 75 word entries and that’s a pain. I have to win the 75 word competition and then start my “World Domination” action plan – and I’d like to rule the world, so please help.

I will do my best. Puts in false teethies for critting. Firstly, i thought the concept was very original and it made me smile.

Eamonn Andrews

‘NannyBot, please untie me,’ pleaded Peter.

‘I’m sorry, Master – I cannot comply.’

A gag was stuffed into Master’s mouth to muffled shouting.This line confused me. Whose was the muffled shouting, the Master's, or the audience? If it was the Master's shouldn't the gag be stuffed and then the shouting be muffled, whereas this way round it sounded like muffled shouting caused the gag to be put in.

‘I have been very busy planning this surprise for you,’ said NannyBot, speakers buzzing happilyI'm not, generally, keen on said xxx, and then an action. I'd have preferred Nannybot's speakers buzzed happily (and it woudl have saved you a word. ).

NannyBot pointed toward the line of battered bodieswhy? on the bloody sofa.again why? I couldn't understand the reference to battering and bloody. Did she force the guests to attend? ‘I have guests for you as well.’

Optics zoomed and focused on Master’s happy face. ‘I’ve even got the red book.’

‘Master, this is your life!’That Nanny bot says I've even got the red book and then you take a new paragraph to continue her speech threw me. I'd have preferred:

"I've even got the red book." Optics zoomed and focused on Master's happy face. "Master, this is your life."

It would have made it easier to follow imho.

Takes out teethies, puts in glass for later. I loved the last line, though, and liked the idea.

 

[Bowler1]

Thank you, Springs. The important lines setting up the punchline could have been clearer, I'll happily accept that. I did play with the last line and the original version was as you have done, but I decided to move the last line - oh well! Said then action might be harder to fix, I still do that a lot!

 

[Parson]

Hopewrites: Please remember I voted for your poem. So it worked for me on all kinds of levels. The first three stanzas were lights out! I did see some problems with the next 2

Senses abrased.
Cognition started.
Laziness razed.
​

Codependency parted.

I wasn't sure in what sense, the baby's senses were abrased (interesting word that). I liked the idea of codependency parted. A true and insightful thought about the birthing process.
​

​

Errors and trials.
Advice turned aside.
When measured in miles
how long is a stride?

To me this was the weakest stanza in the poem. I supposed that this was the stanza talking about the rest of life between birth and death. But I struggled with "When measured in miles how long is a stride?" This did not make much sense to me. But as its poetry there is always more in it than the simple sense of the words. It seemed to be aiming at a kind of life goal and thinking about whether or not that goal was successful.

----

The last stanza returned to your lights out insight.

Then life is o’er.
The black curtain falls.
Though longing for more,
Eternity calls.

This could be used in thoughtful sympathy cards or a phrase in a funeral sermon. --- Which I just might do some time. (sorry)

As for the punctuation I think that the rules for poetic punctuation are quite fluid. On the whole I think you overworked the periods. I try to use a period only at the end of sentence; just as if I were writing prose. You put periods after some sentence fragments.

Unlike Springs (and it seems to me a lot of the posters here), I like my stories a lot more uplifting and not so dark. Your's fairly vibrated with life and hope, which is a good share of the reason I voted for it.
​

Bowler 1

I cannot see anything in your story that needs fixing from a literary sense. But the whole idea of a robot (nanny bot no less) going a muck left me with a foul taste in my mouth. And the final line made me groan and go "Whose going to remember This Is Your Life in another decade, let alone the decades needed to come up with an independent thinking robot?"

So for me the story didn't fit my taste. But as I have often stated on this forum: "There is no accounting for taste." And I know that there are a lot of things which turn my crank that make others turn and gag.
​

​

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Hope, I had yours on my shortlist, so you know I liked it. I particularly liked the two questions -- "why be me, when I could be you" and "when measured in miles, how long is a stride" -- although as Parson pointed out, the second one is rather ambiguous. I would say the only thing that might have been a problem for me was that the fantasy element was minor and a bit forced. The faeries didn't seem necessary, as if they were added to make the genre. But I really liked it, anyway! Poetry for me has to scan properly, and it was very nice. (I do agree that "abrased" struck me as not-a-word, but it fell within poetic license.)

This got a few mentions, but I’m not getting any votes, ever, so I think I need help!

There is some alliteration in my entry which may be the problem?
I could also be off off-piste and away from the monthly theme, I was trying to be a little different?
Or was the humour a little too dark?

All the above and more; any comments are welcome as I’m failing very badly to get any votes for my 75 word entries and that’s a pain. I have to win the 75 word competition and then start my “World Domination” action plan – and I’d like to rule the world, so please help.

Eamonn Andrews

‘NannyBot, please untie me,’ pleaded Peter.

‘I’m sorry, Master – I cannot comply.’

A gag was stuffed into Master’s mouth to muffled shouting.I believe this is supposed to be "to muffle shouting", but the sentence itself is passive and it's not totally clear that NannyBot is the one stuffing the gag. I think I would add this action to the following sentence instead.

‘I have been very busy planning this surprise for you,’ said NannyBot, speakers buzzing happily.As said earlier, "NannyBot's speakers buzzed happily" would be better, although I also think there are too many "NannyBots" overall. The more you mention names, the fewer words you have for other things.

NannyBot pointed toward the line of battered bodies on the bloody sofa. ‘I have guests for you as well.’You could leave the previous NannyBot and remove this one, as "Battered bodies lined the bloody sofa." The alliteration scans better, and you save six words.

Optics zoomed and focused on Master’s happy face. ‘I’ve even got the red book.’I understand that NannyBot thinks Master should be ecstatic, but I don't think Master's face is happy at this point, particularly with a gag in his mouth. "Surprised" maybe, or "shocked". Perhaps the words saved above would lend you more space to expand the concept. It's also gone back to the passive.

‘Master, this is your life!’ Yes, this would be better linked with the other statement somehow.

So we have something like:

**
"NannyBot, please untie me," pleaded Peter.

"I'm sorry, Master -- I cannot comply. I have been very busy planning this surprise for you." Nannybot's speakers buzzed happily as it stuffed a gag into Peter's (or Master's) mouth to muffle his shouting.

Battered bodies lined the bloody sofa.

Optics at maximum zoom, Nannybot focused joyfully on Master's surprised expression.(That's a lousy sentence but I'm sick today and can't think of a better one. You have words to spare, too.)

"I've even got the red book. Master, this is your life!"
**

This is the type of sick and twisted humor that I write sometimes, myself, so it almost made my shortlist. But it ran to the passive in places, and that combined with the (I assume) typo and odd word choices and bumped you off -- sorry. I think I've had the same problem with other stories of yours -- great concepts, but lacking polish and attention to detail. When we only have 75 words, each one must be exactly right, and there is no room for typos or changing tense. As you can see not much earlier in this thread, some of my own word choices leave people cringing from time to time, so we all suffer from it occasionally.

I didn't have a problem with the very dated reference, as it came across to me as a robot far in the future having discovered something out of the past.

 

[Bowler1]

Don't worry, Parson, I knew I was pushing my luck with a mad robot. See Hopewrites, there are members more cultured than me who like poems.

Thank you, TDZ, it's good to know it almost got there. I appreciate the detailed workings and your points are well made. The information will be well digested.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Don't worry, Parson, I knew I was pushing my luck with a mad robot.

Hey, I've had at least one mad robot, and I would guess, without going back to look, two or three at a minimum. One of my 75s had an automated house killing off an abusive father. I don't think that one did very well in the voting department, either.

 

[hopewrites]

First off, thanks for all the quick responses! I read them at lunch today and was walking on clouds. You guys really know how to put the life back in a Friday.

The sheer beauty of the poem put it on my short list, Hope. In fact, I struggled between choosing yours and Anya's for my vote. I don't tend to go for poems in the challenges, but this one really worked for me.

wow thanks! I feel really complimented that I created something that normally wouldn't be to your taste, and yet held on so long.

The punctuation wasn't a problem for me.

Oh good, I know I it's a weak point in my writing in general and worked really hard on it in this. Honestly punctuating it took longer than writing it.

I wondered about 'abrased', which would normally be 'abraded', but I decided it fell under poetic license (apologies if this is a US usage I'm unaware of) and actually added to the work.

No your right, its not a word. But I liked the way it felt in the stanza, and the connotations it had, better than any word currently in accepted use.

The only issue for me was that it was possibly light on sff elements, as you say. However, it was powerful and I've seen poems with as little or less sff published in genre magazines before. But, when it's such a tight race...

Well thank you.

Hopewrites, for me, and just me I suspect, poetry is not my thing. However, it did bring to mind “Because I could not stop for death” (the structure felt similar) for me. Sadly, despite that wonderful link, I still didn’t vote for you as you picked a poem, I don’t usually get them.

No that's perfectly fine. I'm not trying to make it more vote worthy, I just really love poetry myself and want to wip this one up into the best poem I can possibly make it. Then turn it into wall art or something so I can remember to love life and strive to be the best I can. (I'm reviewing your story further down the post, dont worry)

Hope, for me the fantasy element was hard to find. It was a nice poem, although I'm no expert, and I had no problems with punctuation etc. I, generally, though prefer the slightly darker entries, so perhaps found it a little -- erm -- hopeful. Sorry.

Seriously this right here had me walking on clouds for 3 hours solid. To be accused of living up to my handle has to be the best crit I could get. So dont be sorry.

Hopewrites: Please remember I voted for your poem. So it worked for me on all kinds of levels. The first three stanzas were lights out! I did see some problems with the next 2

Senses abrased.
Cognition started.
Laziness razed.
​

Codependency parted.

I wasn't sure in what sense, the baby's senses were abrased (interesting word that). I liked the idea of codependency parted. A true and insightful thought about the birthing process.​

Actually I was thinking about this as being childhood. The stanza before being infancy where one is generally happy to be defined by the people around one. The senses that were abrased (I love the way that word feels like I've fallen and skinned my knee) were the sense of self. "Oh I'm not my mother/grandmother/sister/brother/whomever" tying right into the previous question. Every time I find that I am not being myself it feels like a small abrasion on my senses, hence the made up past tense of the word.
The next line is early adolescence where one has to start thinking for oneself. Fitting nicely with its predecessor for me because I know I spent (spend) alot of time going back and forth between the two. Falling and scraping my knee then getting back up and trying to do better so I dont fall as often.
Which leads right into "Laziness razed" I love the pun in this line, it has to be one of my favorite lines in the whole poem actually. The only way to brake the cycle of the two lines above it is to put in the hard work that burns laziness like a field after harvest. It is also the only way forward to achieve the end of that stanza "Codependency parted." For me this says "End of childhood" No more relying on others, one is ready to face down the world on one's own two feet.
​

​

Errors and trials.
Advice turned aside.
When measured in miles
how long is a stride?
​

To me this was the weakest stanza in the poem. I supposed that this was the stanza talking about the rest of life between birth and death. But I struggled with "When measured in miles how long is a stride?" This did not make much sense to me. But as its poetry there is always more in it than the simple sense of the words. It seemed to be aiming at a kind of life goal and thinking about whether or not that goal was successful.​

This one was full on adulthood. I get what you mean about the question not making sense, I did question leaving it as is because of its inherently confusing nature. But the more I thought about it the more I feel in love with it. Life is confusing, and I (wont speak for others, but I dont feel alone in this) often get things backward. I also love the cockiness of the question. That feeling that not only is anything possible, but that everything I set out to do will be easily achieved (HA! you would think I would learn better by now.). For me it was the most hope filled part of the whole piece and I couldnt change it to something that made more sense and not cry my eyes out. Which again, is a part of life. How often I've done things that dont make sense to others but I feel that if I dont would be a major betrayal of who I really am. Again, I dont feel alone in that attitude, but I daren't speak for anyone else on it.

The last stanza returned to your lights out insight.

Then life is o’er.
The black curtain falls.
Though longing for more,
Eternity calls.

This could be used in thoughtful sympathy cards or a phrase in a funeral sermon. --- Which I just might do some time. (sorry)​

Dont be sorry! As if I'd be offended to be quoted by someone else, espeically my poetry. You'll have to let me know if you do, just so I can check that off my bucket list

As for the punctuation I think that the rules for poetic punctuation are quite fluid. On the whole I think you overworked the periods. I try to use a period only at the end of sentence; just as if I were writing prose. You put periods after some sentence fragments.

I was worried about using too many commas. When I was first learning to write poetry I was taught to put some kind of punctuation at the end of every line. Sometimes that just doesn't feel right, really breaks up the thought more than the line break itself does. I tend to write my poetry straight and then go back to punctuate. Do you think, perhaps there were some lines where I could have got away with leaving them unpunctuated? I tried to use periods for larger bits of life and commas for the more joined up bits.

I like my stories a lot more uplifting and not so dark. Your's fairly vibrated with life and hope, which is a good share of the reason I voted for it.

Thank you so much! I was really striving for something that vibrated with hope and life (love that line so I'm stealing it right now) I've seen so much darkness in my life that I really feel the need to strive for the light as it were.
​

Hope, I had yours on my shortlist, so you know I liked it. I particularly liked the two questions -- "why be me, when I could be you" and "when measured in miles, how long is a stride" -- although as Parson pointed out, the second one is rather ambiguous. I would say the only thing that might have been a problem for me was that the fantasy element was minor and a bit forced. The faeries didn't seem necessary, as if they were added to make the genre. But I really liked it, anyway! Poetry for me has to scan properly, and it was very nice. (I do agree that "abrased" struck me as not-a-word, but it fell within poetic license.)

I also liked the questions.
I worried that the fairies might seem a bit forced. They were supposed to be a reference to Perter Pan and imply that the child had a happy childhood filled with laughter. But it seemed a bit obscure even when I was writing it.
I'm pleased to have gotten away with my made up word as well as I have.

Again thanks for the reviews.

Eamonn Andrews
​

‘NannyBot, please untie me,’ pleaded Peter.

‘I’m sorry, Master – I cannot comply.’

A gag was stuffed into Master’s mouth to muffled shouting.

‘I have been very busy planning this surprise for you,’ said NannyBot, speakers buzzing happily.

NannyBot pointed toward the line of battered bodies on the bloody sofa. ‘I have guests for you as well.’

Optics zoomed and focused on Master’s happy face. ‘I’ve even got the red book.’

‘Master, this is your life!’

I got the game show reference. But only having seen it referred to and not having seen any actual episodes I didn't understand (and felt that it was a lack on my part not yours) the reference to the red book or how the title tied in.
I didnt get how the nanny bot could get confused about the game though, all the clips I've seen of the show, show people who seem a bit distressed to be the victims of it. And that she saw his face as happy because she wanted to was too much of a stretch for me. Especially after she stuffed a gag in his mouth. Clearly this bot isnt following a single line of thinking.
I tend to like the kind of Dark that sparkles with something, and I felt this was just dark. To each his own, though. Wouldnt the world be boring if we all liked the same things? We wouldnt be having this conversation at all, and I'm glad we are.

 

[Parson]

HopeWrites: Abrased is a word. It is the past tense of abrase to "rub or scrape," therefore it is a wonderful word for your meaning. But that is mitigated by the fact that obviously highly literate people (see above) don't recognize it as such.

Yes, I do think that there were places that you could have gotten away with no punctuation. I have seen published poems with no punctuation at all. Here is how I would have punctuated it, but remember poetry has quite a bit of license as to how it is punctuated.

Flowers uncurl.
Radiant sun:
Voices unfurl.
Life just begun.

Fairies are dancing.
Parents rejoice.
Grandparents prancing.
Now comes a choice.

Who will I be?
What will I do?
Why be me?
When I could be you?

(I was thinking that the 3 line stanza was a typo. Perhaps not.)

Senses abrased.
Cognition started.
Laziness razed.
​

Codependency parted.


​

Errors and trials,
Advice turned aside.
When measured in miles,
how long is a stride?

Then life is o’er.
The black curtain falls.
Though longing for more,
Eternity calls.​

Having read your explanation of your poem, I would now say that the reason the 2 stanzas were fuzzy to me is that you were trying to say too much in too few words. If I were thinking of submitting this for publication and did not have to abide by the strict 75 word limit, I might put headings above each strophe. Childhood, Adolescence, adulthood, etc. or find some other way of communicating that the focus of the strophe is somewhat changed from the previous one. If you are thinking of putting this up in your room (publishing a poster?) then I might think of attaching pictures to show the progression.

 

[Bowler1]

The old "This is your life" is an old game show, I'll remember to stay more current in the future. He says, using Flash Gordon this month!

As to the dark aspect, I used to write a little horror a long time ago so I'm happy going dark and accept I may be going their on my own, or hand in hand with TDZ. When it comes to the 75, I roll with the mood of the moment and stay creative. I think I'll hold back and polish some more, 75 words is not a lot and I wasted 12+ on poor/repeated images. Cheers guys, the help is really appreciated and regardless of the votes or lack of, I enjoy the challanges. I'll get one sometime of that I'm sure.

 

[hopewrites]

I tried to use color to show the progression that I knew was vague due to imagery choice. I had hoped the summer-fall colors would show the progression of life similar to the progression of seasons.
Since my original idea was to show life as fragile and fleeting, but at the end of the first stanza I saw I could say so much more, I kind of just ran with it.

My sister has a cricket, I was thinking of asking her to do me up the phrases in color for me to post on the walls of my room.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

As to the dark aspect, I used to write a little horror a long time ago so I'm happy going dark and accept I may be going their on my own, or hand in hand with TDZ.

We had quite a time, a while back, where everybody was very dark -- it became a joke, really, how even if someone made the theme rainbows and kittens, the stories would all be about killing them off. We seem to have gotten out of that lately, now that I think about it. There are still dark stories, but it's not so all-encompassing.


Parson, I've been playing a couple of word games on my iPad since I got it, and I'm continually amazed how many words there are that I don't know.

 

[Bowler1]

Parson, I've been playing a couple of word games on my iPad since I got it, and I'm continually amazed how many words there are that I don't know.

The Limerick game in the playroom is good for this as well. I've had to go on google to get some of my answers, or even just to figure out what other people have said. It does improve your writing, I'm pulling words out of my head like rabbits out of a hat, go figure!

 

[Starbeast]

I wanted to give a little help to those who might be having a hard time narrowing down a story to 75 words. Because I do understand when people have an idea for an entry and they just write feverishly (especially for the 300 challenge - I've done that too).

Rather than just jotting down a story from start to finish, write your ending first. Then the guts of the tale, but remember to keep it to a few words That way you can either add or trim words for your story.

I hope I helped those who love to write (or type) with fast fingers, because I know how easy it can be to get into a good idea, ya just wanna keep going.

Your friend, the benevolent creature from the space - STARBEAST

 

[HareBrain]

My entry this month was probably my lowest-performing one ever, though I personally liked it better than some of my others. The two people who short-listed it strike me as being more likely to have heard of Colonel Fawcett than average, but did the story hinge too much on recognising who he was? Or is the whole thing too confusing, or boring? What might have made it less so?



In the Lost City of Z


They said, You are the last people living in balance with nature.

They said, You must teach us.

They said, How do you know English?

We showed them Colonel Fawcett, a madman two centuries old.

The civilised forgot they came for teaching.

Our warnings ignored, they tore apart the jungle to find the fountain of not-dying, the curse planted by the god who hated the earth.

In the burnt world, we hear his laughter.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Um, sorry, HB, I didn't understand it. I know who Fawcett is, of course, (70s childhood, Fawlty Towers de rigeur), but I didn't get the context. I also didn't entirely get the ends of the world theme.

 

[HareBrain]

I know who Fawcett is, of course, (70s childhood, Fawlty Towers de rigeur)

Er ... Lt Col Percy Fawcett? Was he really mentioned in Fawlty Towers? (I see he was born in Torquay ...)

 

[Ursa major]

I knew who Fawcett was, HB. (My father had a paperback book about him with, I seem to recall, a picture on its cover of a huge anaconda rearing up out of a river.)

 

[Tywin]

I had no clue who Fawcett was, but I understood the gist of the story in that there was a fountain of youth out there and the "More Civilized Men" dropped everything and went after it.

The part I didn't get was "In the burnt world, we hear his laughter." I don't know if this is a reference to something else, but it seemed a bit dramatic.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Er ... Lt Col Percy Fawcett? Was he really mentioned in Fawlty Towers? (I see he was born in Torquay ...)

I was being tongue in cheek. Sorry, should have used a smiley.

 

[HareBrain]

Perhaps I should explain ...

The narrator is one of a remote tribe (living in the Matto Grosso in Brazil). Having pretty much destroyed the rest of the environment, westerners approach this tribe, realising that they must learn again how to live with nature if civilisation is to survive. Asked how they learnt English, the tribe brings forth an explorer who disappeared searching for the "Lost City of Z", and who still lives thanks to his drinking from a fountain of immortality. The tribe bring him out not just to show how they know English, but in answer to the westerners' demand for teaching, for drinking from the fountain is the antithesis of living with nature (hence their legend that it is a curse by a god). The westerners decide that immortality is better than living with nature and sack the forest looking for it. The last line shows the narrator is speaking after the last of the jungle has been destroyed; he imagines he hears the laugh of the god who cursed it.

The ends of the earth theme is supposed to be reflected both in the remoteness of the location, and the suggestion that mankind's decisions as to what is most important will lead to the end of civilisation as well as nature.

I think that's all in there, but I can see it might rely on a few neurons happening to fire in the right way.